Fire

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This article is about fire, the universal problem solver. For "Fire!" the firing squad command, see Criminal Justice System.
“Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life”
~ Terry Pratchett on fire
“ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT BURNS!!!!!!!!”
~ Captain Obvious on fire
Img 4943

Would you like fries with that?

Fire was invented in 1666 by the renouned British physicist Earnest Fire. It took many attempts to get the formula right, and one failure led to the destruction of a large part of London.

Acronym for Fiercely Initiated Rectal Experiment which is demonstrated in the expression "FIRE IN THE HOLE!". Your fucking right man!! Usage: Your boss might say "I'm going to Fiercely Initiate a Rectal Experiment on your ass if I catch you editing the Uncyclopedia again!!!" I'm goingh to fire your ass bitch!

Also, an ancient but very advanced predatory animal (See burn)

UncyclopediaFireStation

Uncyclopedia has it's ways...

The opposite of fire is reverse fire. The only mortal being that is vulnerable to Reverse Fire is Itzhak Perlman.

In its solid form, fire is quite harmless, and is in fact used to make wood, paper, and other useful objects. When heated to its melting point, however, fire can become very dangerous. In its aggressive liquid state, fire has been known to attack, and even kill. If attacked by fire, it is best to remain calm and immediately drop to the ground, because fire, due to its low self-esteem, will always go after the tallest victim it can find. Fire is also terrified of loud noises, and screaming hysterically will often drive it away. It is also possible to extinguish it by feeding it to a tornado, but this can result in severe lacerations. If boiled, it will turn to common fire, which is neither hazardous nor helpful unless you wish to boil something in over 24hours. Gas fire is difficult to eliminate with a fire extinguisher. Since this fire respires anaerobically (without oxygen), the best thing to do is feed it with a plentiful supply of oxygen, ideally from a scuba diving tank. This will reduce it to a mere spark. This worthless spark may come into contact with a flammable solvent, such a a pritt stick, and so will start the fire again. This shows the problems posed by liquid and gaseous fire.

Do's of fire

Guyonfire

A well-known do of fire, to die

  • DO sit with fire for a while, he gets bored and lonely very easily.
  • DO create more fires if fire is lonely.
  • DO use fire as a form of teleportation err down there...see Satan.
  • DO throw useless people in fire such as infidels, emos, poor people, the creator of mosquitoes, the creator of AIDS, the people who made sheep famous, and Austrailians.
  • DO exaggerate the power of fire to your friends.
  • DO make water talk to fire if fire becomes too full of itself.
  • DO torture fire when it is bad by peeing or spraying it with water.
  • DO spray any form of bug spray on fire when there are some mosquitoes near it.
  • DO burn down the houses of everyone you don't like; it's not only is it a really good way to get through to them about how disgusting they are, but also very pretty to watch.
  • DO use it as a way to say, "Fuck you, Jake".
  • DO Kill it with fire.
  • Do send fire in large quantities to Jack Thompson.

FIREFIREFIRE

HAHAHA

Don'ts of fire

  • Do NOT have sex with fire
  • Do NOT think it is cool to start a fire in the middle of a field, it's very bad. I know, I tried.
  • Do NOT attempt to eat fire, it is NOT edible.
  • Do NOT give fire as a present to your boss.
  • Do NOT worship fire too much inside your house.
  • Do NOT attempt to put out fires using petroleum.
  • Do NOT create fires inside whales mouths in order to free yourself. (I don't care if it worked for Pinocchio, that type of shit pisses off Greenpeace)
  • Do NOT attempt to fornicate with fire.
  • Do NOT read newspapers whilst on fire, it just doesn't work.
  • Do NOT Believe that the roof is on fire actually it's only you.
  • Do NOT attempt to make fire smell better by spraying it with Deo, use petrol instead.
  • Do NOT try to cook computers.
  • Do NOT try to put out fire with alchohol.
  • Do NOT lick fire.
  • Do NOT engage in hand to hand combat with fire. (unless you have a certificate from the international board of Fire Karate Masters, or you are the God of Icecream)
  • Do NOT leave your fire unattended without parental supervision.
  • Do NOT start fires whilst Smokey the bear is around, he'll fuck you up otherwise.
  • Do NOT eat too much popcorn.
  • Do NOT write your name in lemon juice on a piece of paper then put it on a stove burner unless, you want to set someone or something on fire (like your teacher or your shcool).
  • Do NOT let Nic near flammable objects.
  • Do NOT add fire in your bibliographies.
  • Do NOT let fire grade your homework for you.
  • Do NOT let fire cook your meals, use radio waves instead.
  • Do NOT be an idiot and think that flaming things taste better.
  • Do NOT take fire out for a romantic meal at that nice little Italian restaurant round the corner from your apartment and spill wine on her dress.
  • Do NOT water your fire. Fire is never thirsty.
  • Do NOT Invite Arthur brown and his crazy world around again.
  • Do NOT fall madly in love with fire and try to merge yourself with it.
  • Do NOT panic.
  • Do NOT let two different fires in the same room. They are very intimate creatures, and will soon breed, spread and become a force so powerful they will burn down your house and destroy your toaster along with the portal inside it, pissing off the realm of badgers that dwell within it. Big time.
  • Do NOT try flirting with fire. It might look hot, but trust me, it's heart is cold.
  • Do NOT Burn down your school unless it has a science lab with a running gas line. Then you can burn it all you want so it goes sky high!!!
  • Do NOT steal fire from The Gods, unless you like the idea of being chained to a rock while an eagle eats your liver with fava beans and a nice Amarone over and over again.
  • Do NOT let Jummy get near any fire or fire starting objects.
  • Do NOT try to put out burning petroleum with water, this will cause the flames to leap into the air and destroy your mom's mini-blinds. Long story...
  • Do NOT call the firefighters, fire is not in the mood to fight.
  • Do NOT talk with fire because it dosen't like you and will not talk back
  • Do NOT play football with fire or any other kind of sport

Firing Squads

Bubble on Beach

A torture technique used in the Dark Ages to punish wayward encyclopedia salesmen, the firing squad is also one of the most fabled rites of passage for growing dickss.

Firing squads consist of eight to thirty-two priests armed with matches and the cigarette packs James Bond used in You Only Live Twice. The priests light 21 cigarettes and are urged to aim them towards the recipient of the punishment, although it is not uncommon for them to turn them on other priests or random citizens walking about the punishing grounds.

Strangely enough, most victims of fire are named Will, due to madmen shouting randomly "Fire At Will".

The History Of Fire

Long, long ago, in the country Mexico, George W. Bush was born. He was born with two black horns and a Devil's tail. Seeing as having this was 'immoral' people chased him down and cut them off when he was nine. Then, as a balding teenager of 14, as he was being ran down by the 4046th angry mob of his life, he ran to a dark alley where there was a mysterious lamp. Being the stupid ape he was, he took it and smashed it against his head (no wishes for him!!) Suddenly, the magic inside the lamp exploded and he found before him a duck, a rubber chicken, a shoe, a 63-leaf clover, a spoon, and two rocks. First, he took a rock, and started rubbing it against each item. Nothing happened, until he got to the other rock. First sparks appeared, and then he held the sparks by a nearby twig. Then the stick caught fire. Noticing that it was "Pretty, pretty, glowy, glowy" he picked up the stick, obliviously admiring the flames (ignorance is bliss). Once the mob caught up, they noticed the fire and were terrified. Then they ran away. Figuring he was God, he decided to ride on a plank of wood overseas to the U.S to run for president because he had nothing better to do. But anyway, that's how fire came to be.


Didn't Start the Fire

Flame

"I didn't start that shit!"

Fire for Romance

“That's hot!”
~ Paris Hilton on fire

Gentle firelight can set the mood for a wholesome night of romantic kissing and mutual declarations of love. All you need is a wooden chair or other flammable substance and a safe, hopefully private place to light the match.

Fire for heat and food

Fire can be used to cook wood. This is a difficult procedure and may require gallons of gasoline if you are a beginner, lazy, or drunk. If you are James Bond then all you need is a laser wristwatch. When the wood is cooked it is turned into heat which is edible and necessary for life, and smoke which smells great.

some dietitians suggest that fire only diets can severely shorten lifestyle, but when eaten as part of a balanced diet can actually increase chances of catching aids.

Fire as a weapon

Fire is only good for killing one thing, and that is a speranah. If you think you can use fire to kill anything else, you're a dumbass.

Footnotes

  1. I can't take it anymore
  2. Feet are used for walking
  3. Feet have toes
  4. Feet pwn Master Chief
  5. Feet like shoes
  6. Feet can and can not smell badly
  7. Russians don't have actual feet
  8. Yellow people are gay (See Tsue Hawj aka Lord Chueington)

Burn Everything

See also

External Links

Outdoor Fireplace Guide

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