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Fire is undoubtedly the most important invention of our ancestors' time. It was invented in about 6000 B.C. by a genius who went by the simple yet eloquent name of Ugg. This early mastermind perfected what is known far and wide as the universal problem solver. Fire holds the official title of the greatest thing before sliced bread. Fire is cheap, easily accessible, and one of the best creations of all time.

A Brief History of Fire


Ugg the mastermind at his peak of ingenuity.

While Ugg the Mastermind perfected fire, he did not create it. In fact, man had nothing to do with the original molding of the wonder substance at all. Numerous theories abound about how fire came to be in the possession of mere mortals, including the wildest hypotheses, ranging from "aliens did it" to "lightning struck a tree" to "flying unicorns"--But the truth is far different. Prometheus, possesser of stupidity foresight, descended from Mount Olympus to give man a gift of the Gods. Man, being still a total n00b in this harsh world, promptly killed himself while misusing fire. Zeus's anger at Prometheus was kindled, and he chained him to a mountain where crows would descend upon him and devour his kidneys for eternity. Or something like that. Eventually, Ugg came to learn of this fire and taught himself how to wield it, becoming a master firewielder. His first use of fire was to set his shrewish, nagging wife ablaze. For decades afterward, the sole use of fire was to whack an annoying spouse. However, Ugg realized its true potential--fire was the universal problem solver, and could be used in any situation. From that day forward, fire took a place in the lives of humans, never to be replaced.

Fire--The Universal Problem Solver

From the early days of fire when wife-burning was insanely popular, to today where it is still very widely used, fire has expanded its repertoire of uses. In fact, fire can be used for any situation, any time. ANY situation. Say you're being chased by rioting French Eco-Nazis AND radioactive flying weasels?. Fire can ease your plight. Hungry? Try fire, you'll find it rather spicy. Looking for a good time? "Come on baby, light my fire." Someone committed heresy? Fire specializes in witch burnings. Got fired? Fire the fuck back. Tsunami? Ha ha, yer screwed. However, these are all secondary uses. The most important function of fire is





Dance, little flame, let your warmth flow over me...let me touch you...

Beautiful fire ... glow ... so pretty ... such beauty ... orange light dances across my face ... warms my soul to the very core ... dancing ... seduction ... its light ... it draws me in ...

flickers innocently ... tempting me ... such beauty ... warmth caresses me ... caresses my face ... her beauty ... would that it be mine ... dare I ... dare I caress her sweet

flame ... dare I caress her back ... yes ... oh, yes ... It feels ... it feels so ... So ...

AGH! It Burns!


Why, fire, WHY have you turned against me?!?!?!

AAUGH! Hot, hot, hot, AAAAAA! ARRGGH! Oh, Ow, ow, ow, GHAAAAA!!!! Off, off, Get it off, Aaaaaaaarrgggh!!! The pain, oh, AAAAA! It BURNSSS! Get it off! ARRGGHH! GAA! Help, help, the fire! it hurts me! Fire! My skin charring, pain! Oh, pain! Fire! Fire! Oh, pain, hot, HOT, HOT!!!!! AAA!!!!! Please, make it stop! Make the pain stop!!!! AARRGGH! No! No! Stop the burning!!! Stop it! Hurts... please... it BURNS!!! My face, on fire!! Oh, make it STOP!

GHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!! GGRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEeeeeeeeeRRRGGGGHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh. oh... So warm, I see a light ... Orange light ... warm light ... gheh.

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