Fire

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:''This article is about '''fire''', the universal problem solver. For "Fire!" the firing squad command, see [[Criminal Justice System]].''
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Fire is undoubtedly the most important invention of our ancestors' time. It was invented in about 6000 B.C. by a genius who went by the simple yet eloquent name of [[caveman|Ugg]]. This early mastermind perfected what is known far and wide as the universal problem solver. Fire holds the official title of ''the greatest thing ''before'' [[sliced bread]].'' Fire is cheap, easily accessible, and one of the best creations of all [[time]].
   
{{Q|Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life|Terry Pratchett|fire}}
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==A Brief History of Fire==
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[[Image:CavemanFIRE.gif|thumb|Ugg the mastermind at his peak of ingenuity.]]
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While Ugg the Mastermind perfected fire, he did not create it. In fact, man had nothing to do with the original molding of the wonder substance at all. Numerous theories abound about how fire came to be in the possession of mere mortals, including the wildest hypotheses, ranging from ''"[[aliens]] did it"'' to ''"[[lightning]] struck a tree"'' to ''"flying unicorns"''--But the truth is far different. [[Prometheus]], possesser of <s>[[stupid|stupidity]]</s> foresight, descended from Mount Olympus to give man [[me|a gift of the Gods]]. Man, being still a total [[n00b]] in this harsh world, promptly killed himself while misusing fire. Zeus's anger at Prometheus was kindled, and he chained him to a mountain where crows would descend upon him and devour his kidneys for eternity. Or something like that. Eventually, Ugg came to learn of this ''fire'' and taught himself how to wield it, becoming a master firewielder. His first use of fire was to set his shrewish, nagging [[wife]] ablaze. For decades afterward, the sole use of fire was to [[kill|whack]] an annoying spouse. However, Ugg realized its true potential--fire was the universal problem solver, and could be used in any situation. From that day forward, fire took a place in the lives of [[humans]], never to be replaced.
   
{{Q|ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT BURNS!!!!!!!!|Captain Obvious|fire}}
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==Fire--The Universal Problem Solver==
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<!--While this is a list, yes, you may only add to this list if it is logically funny or so outrageous that you can't help but laugh. You need an explanation to go with your use of fire. NO STUPID STUFF. This is what destroyed the original fire article in the first place. NO STUPIDITY. PERIOD.-->
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From the early days of fire when [[wife|wife-burning]] was insanely [[popular]], to today where it is still [[everyone|very widely used]], fire has expanded its [[resume|repertoire of uses]]. In fact, fire can be used for any situation, any time. ANY situation. Say you're being chased by rioting French Eco-Nazis ''AND'' radioactive flying weasels?. Fire can ease your plight. Hungry? Try fire, you'll find it rather [[spicy]]. Looking for a good time? ''"Come on baby, light my fire."'' Someone committed heresy? Fire specializes in witch burnings. Got fired? Fire the fuck back. Tsunami? Ha ha, yer screwed. However, these are all secondary uses. The most [[important]] function of fire is
   
[[Image:Img_4943.jpg|thumb|250px|Would you like fries with that?]]
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<center>'''KILL IT WITH FIRE!'''</center>
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[[Image:FIREFIREFIRE.gif|center]]
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<small>obviously...</small>
   
'''Fire''' was invented in 1666 by the renouned [[British]] physicist [[Earnest Fire]]. It took many attempts to get the formula right, and one failure led to the destruction of a large part of London.
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==So...Pretty...==
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[[Image:Purtyflame.jpg|thumb|Dance, little flame, let your warmth flow over me...let me ''touch'' you...]]
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''Beautiful fire ... glow ... so pretty ... such beauty ... orange light dances across my face ... warms my soul to the very core ... dancing ... seduction ... its light ... it draws me in ...''
   
Acronym for '''Fiercely Initiated Rectal Experiment''' which is demonstrated in the expression "FIRE IN THE HOLE!".
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''flickers innocently ... tempting me ... such beauty ... warmth caresses me ... caresses my face ... her beauty ... would that it be mine ... dare I ... dare I caress her sweet''
Your fucking right man!!
 
Usage: Your [[boss]] might say "''I'm going to '''F'''iercely '''I'''nitiate a '''R'''ectal '''E'''xperiment on your ass if I catch you editing the Uncyclopedia again!!!''"
 
I'm goingh to fire your ass bitch!
 
   
Also, an ancient but very advanced predatory animal (See [[burn]])
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''flame ... dare I caress her back ... yes ... oh, yes ... It feels ... it feels so ... <big>So ... </big>''
   
[[Image:UncyclopediaFireStation.JPG|thumb|right|300px|Uncyclopedia has it's ways...]]
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==AGH! It Burns!==
The opposite of fire is [[reverse fire]]. The only mortal being that is vulnerable to Reverse Fire is Itzhak Perlman.
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[[Image:Guyonfire.jpg|left|thumb|250px|Why, fire, WHY have you turned against me?!?!?!]]
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'''<big>AAUGH!</big> Hot, hot, hot, [[AAAAAA!]] ARRGGH! Oh, Ow, ow, ow, GHAAAAA!!!! Off, off, Get it off, Aaaaaaaarrgggh!!! The pain, oh, AAAAA! It <big>BURNSSS!</big> Get it off! ARRGGHH! GAA! Help, help, the fire! it hurts me! Fire! My skin charring, pain! Oh, pain! Fire! Fire! Oh, pain, hot, HOT, <big>HOT!!!!!</big> AAA!!!!! Please, make it stop! Make the pain stop!!!! AARRGGH! No! No! Stop the burning!!! Stop it! Hurts... please... it BURNS!!! My face, on fire!! Oh, make it STOP!'''
   
In its solid form, fire is quite harmless, and is in fact used to make wood, paper, and other useful objects. When heated to its melting point, however, fire can become very dangerous. In its aggressive liquid state, fire has been known to attack, and even kill.
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'''<big>GHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!! GGRRRRRRRAAAAAA<big>AAA<big>AA</big>AAA</big>EEEEeeeeeeeeRRRGGGGHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</big>''' ''oh. oh... So warm, I see a light ... Orange light ... warm light ... <small>gheh.</small>
If attacked by fire, it is best to remain calm and immediately drop to the ground, because fire, due to its low self-esteem, will always go after the tallest victim it can find.
 
Fire is also terrified of loud noises, and screaming hysterically will often drive it away. It is also possible to extinguish it by feeding it to a tornado, but this can result in severe lacerations. If boiled, it will turn to common fire, which is neither hazardous nor helpful unless you wish to boil something in over 24hours. Gas fire is difficult to eliminate with a fire extinguisher. Since this fire respires anaerobically (without oxygen), the best thing to do is feed it with a plentiful supply of oxygen, ideally from a scuba diving tank. This will reduce it to a mere spark. This worthless spark may come into contact with a flammable solvent, such a a pritt stick, and so will start the fire again. This shows the problems posed by liquid and gaseous fire.
 
   
==Do's of fire==
 
[[Image:Guyonfire.jpg|thumb|250px|A well-known do of fire, to [[die]]]]
 
   
*DO sit with fire for a while, he gets bored and lonely very easily.
 
*DO create more fires if fire is lonely.
 
*DO use fire as a form of teleportation err down there...see Satan.
 
*DO throw useless people in fire such as infidels, [[emos]], [[poor people]], the creator of mosquitoes, the creator of AIDS, the people who made [[sheep]] famous, and [[Austrailians]].
 
*DO exaggerate the power of fire to your friends.
 
*DO make water talk to fire if fire becomes too full of itself.
 
*DO torture fire when it is bad by peeing or spraying it with water.
 
*DO spray any form of bug spray on fire when there are some mosquitoes near it.
 
*DO burn down the houses of everyone you don't like; it's not only is it a really good way to get through to them about how disgusting they are, but also very pretty to watch.
 
*DO use it as a way to say, "Fuck you, Jake".
 
*DO Kill it with fire.
 
*Do send fire in large quantities to [[Jack Thompson]].
 
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[[Image:FIREFIREFIRE.gif|left|thumb|200px|HAHAHA]]
 
   
==Don'ts of fire==
 
   
*Do NOT have sex with fire
 
*Do NOT think it is cool to start a fire in the middle of a field, it's very bad. I know, I tried.
 
*Do NOT attempt to eat fire, it is NOT edible.
 
*Do NOT give fire as a present to your boss.
 
*Do NOT worship fire too much inside your house.
 
*Do NOT attempt to put out fires using petroleum.
 
*Do NOT create fires inside whales mouths in order to free yourself. (I don't care if it worked for [[Pinocchio]], that type of shit pisses off [[Greenpeace]])
 
*Do NOT attempt to fornicate with fire.
 
*Do NOT read newspapers whilst on fire, it just doesn't work.
 
*Do NOT Believe that the roof is on fire actually it's only you.
 
*Do NOT attempt to make fire smell better by spraying it with Deo, use petrol instead.
 
*Do NOT try to cook computers.
 
*Do NOT try to put out fire with alchohol.
 
*Do NOT lick fire.
 
*Do NOT engage in hand to hand combat with fire. (unless you have a certificate from the international board of Fire Karate Masters, or you are the God of Icecream)
 
*Do NOT leave your fire unattended without parental supervision.
 
*Do NOT start fires whilst Smokey the bear is around, he'll fuck you up otherwise.
 
*Do NOT eat too much popcorn.
 
*Do NOT write your name in lemon juice on a piece of paper then put it on a stove burner unless, you want to set someone or something on fire (like your teacher or your shcool).
 
*Do NOT let Nic near flammable objects.
 
*Do NOT add fire in your bibliographies.
 
*Do NOT let fire grade your homework for you.
 
*Do NOT let fire cook your meals, use radio waves instead.
 
*Do NOT be an idiot and think that flaming things taste better.
 
*Do NOT take fire out for a romantic meal at that nice little Italian restaurant round the corner from your apartment and spill wine on her dress.
 
*Do NOT water your fire. Fire is never thirsty.
 
*Do NOT Invite Arthur brown and his crazy world around again.
 
*Do NOT fall madly in love with fire and try to merge yourself with it.
 
*Do [[The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy|NOT]] [[HowTo:Deal with an emergency|panic]].
 
*Do NOT let two different fires in the same room. They are very intimate creatures, and will soon breed, spread and become a force so powerful they will burn down your house and destroy your [[toaster]] along with the portal inside it, pissing off the realm of badgers that dwell within it. Big time.
 
*Do NOT try flirting with fire. It might look hot, but trust me, it's heart is cold.
 
*Do NOT Burn down your school unless it has a science lab with a running gas line. Then you can burn it all you want so it goes sky high!!!
 
*Do NOT steal fire from The Gods, unless you ''like'' the idea of being chained to a rock while an eagle [[Prometheus|eats your liver]] [[Hannibal Lecter|with fava beans and a nice Amarone]] over and over again.
 
*Do NOT let Jummy get near any fire or fire starting objects.
 
*Do NOT try to put out burning petroleum with water, this will cause the flames to leap into the air and destroy your mom's mini-blinds. Long story...
 
*Do NOT call the firefighters, fire is not in the mood to fight.
 
*Do NOT talk with fire because it dosen't like you and will not talk back
 
*Do NOT play football with fire or any other kind of sport
 
   
== Firing Squads ==
 
[[Image:Bubble on Beach.jpg|thumb|right]]
 
A torture technique used in the [[Dark Ages]] to punish wayward [[Jimbo Wales|encyclopedia salesmen]], the '''firing squad''' is also one of the most fabled rites of passage for growing [[dicks]]s.
 
   
Firing squads consist of eight to thirty-two [[priest]]s armed with matches and the cigarette packs [[James Bond]] used in ''You Only Live Twice''. The priests light 21 cigarettes and are urged to aim them towards the recipient of the punishment, although it is not uncommon for them to turn them on other priests or random citizens walking about the punishing grounds.
 
   
Strangely enough, most victims of fire are named Will, due to madmen shouting randomly "Fire At Will".
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{{User:Necropaxx/firetemplate}}
   
==The History Of Fire==
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==See Also==
 
Long, long ago, in the country Mexico, George W. Bush was born. He was born with two black horns and a Devil's tail. Seeing as having this was 'immoral' people chased him down and cut them off when he was nine. Then, as a balding teenager of 14, as he was being ran down by the 4046th angry mob of his life, he ran to a dark alley where there was a mysterious lamp. Being the stupid ape he was, he took it and smashed it against his head (no wishes for him!!) Suddenly, the magic inside the lamp exploded and he found before him a duck, a rubber chicken, a shoe, a 63-leaf clover, a spoon, and two rocks. First, he took a rock, and started rubbing it against each item. Nothing happened, until he got to the other rock. First sparks appeared, and then he held the sparks by a nearby twig. Then the stick caught fire. Noticing that it was "Pretty, pretty, glowy, glowy" he picked up the stick, obliviously admiring the flames (ignorance is bliss). Once the mob caught up, they noticed the fire and were terrified. Then they ran away. Figuring he was God, he decided to ride on a plank of wood overseas to the U.S to run for president because he had nothing better to do. But anyway, that's how fire came to be.
 
 
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== Didn't Start the Fire ==
 
 
[[Image:flame.jpg|thumb|right|150px|"I didn't start that shit!"]]
 
*[[Sephiroth]]
 
*[[Kitten]]s
 
*[[Zork]]
 
*[[Grue]]s
 
*[[Metallica]]
 
*[[Ireland]]
 
*[[Speranah]]
 
*[[Pirate]]s
 
*[[Ninja]]s
 
*[[Pirate Ninja Jesus]]
 
* the [[Star Fox]] team
 
*[[Flying Spaghetti Monster]]
 
*[[Darth Hitler]]
 
*[[Harry S Truman|Harry Truman]]
 
*[[Doris Day]]
 
*[[Red China]]
 
*[[Joe McCarthy]]
 
*[[Richard Nixon]]
 
*[[Television]]
 
*[[North Korea]]
 
*[[South Korea]]
 
*[[Marilyn Monroe]]
 
*[[Catcher in the Rye]]
 
*[[Eisenhower]]
 
*[[Liberace]]
 
*[[Peter Pan]]
 
*[[Elvis Presley]]
 
*[[Disneyland]]
 
*[[Space Monkey Mafia]]
 
*[[heavy metal]]
 
*[[suicide]]
 
*[[AIDS]]
 
*[[Crack]]
 
*[[China]]'s under martial law
 
*Rock and Roller cola wars <sub>[[#Footnotes|1]]</sub>
 
*[[Bunny|Bunnies]]
 
*[[Oprah Harpo]]
 
*[[Manly Lisa]]
 
*[[Homestar Runner]]
 
*[[Strong Bad]]
 
*[[Mr. T]]
 
*[[Devon]]
 
*[[us|We]]
 
*[[us|Wii]]
 
*[[Marilyn Monroe]]
 
 
==Fire for Romance==
 
{{q|That's hot!|Paris Hilton|fire}}
 
 
Gentle firelight can set the mood for a wholesome night of romantic [[Blowjob|kissing]] and mutual declarations of [[love]]. All you need is a wooden chair or other [[shit|flammable substance]] and a safe, hopefully private place to light the [[Atomic_bomb|match]].
 
 
==Fire for heat and food==
 
Fire can be used to cook wood. This is a difficult procedure and may require gallons of gasoline if you are a beginner, lazy, or drunk. If you are [[James Bond]] then all you need is a laser [[wristwatch]]. When the wood is cooked it is turned into heat which is edible and necessary for life, and smoke which smells great.
 
 
some dietitians suggest that fire only diets can severely shorten lifestyle, but when eaten as part of a balanced diet can actually increase chances of catching aids.
 
 
==Fire as a weapon==
 
Fire is only good for killing one thing, and that is a [[speranah]]. If you think you can use fire to kill ''anything'' else, you're a dumbass.
 
 
===Footnotes===
 
# Feet are used for walking
 
# Feet have toes
 
# Feet like shoes
 
# Feet can and can not smell badly
 
 
===Burn Everything===
 
 
==See also==
 
 
* [[HowTo:Start a Fire]]
 
* [[HowTo:Start a Fire]]
 
* [[Cow arson]]
 
* [[Cow arson]]
 
* [[Forest Fire Week]]
 
* [[Forest Fire Week]]
* [[Holy Spirit]]
 
* [[Urination]]
 
 
* [[Fire and Brimstone]]
 
* [[Fire and Brimstone]]
* [[Fire Department]]
 
 
* [[Fire Truck]]
 
* [[Fire Truck]]
* [[Fire fighter]]
 
 
* [[Effect of Dragons on Global Warming]]
 
* [[Effect of Dragons on Global Warming]]
 
* [[Hug People While You're on Fire Day]]
 
* [[Hug People While You're on Fire Day]]
* [[UnNews:Pakistani_protesters_burn_effigy_of_themselves.]]
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* [[Why?:I'm Hot]] <small><small>(I'll give you a hint... I'm a bit charred)</small></small>
 
==External Links==
 
[http://www.outdoorfireplace.org/ Outdoor Fireplace Guide]
 
 
[[Category:British Inventions]][[Category:Elements]][[Category:Acronyms]][[Category:Inflammatory articles]]
 
 
[[da:Ild]]
 
[[de:Feuer]]
 
[[es:Fuego]]
 
[[fr:Feu]]
 
[[pl:Ogień]]
 
[[pt:Fogo]]
 
[[zh-tw:火]]
 

Revision as of 19:27, October 10, 2007

Fire is undoubtedly the most important invention of our ancestors' time. It was invented in about 6000 B.C. by a genius who went by the simple yet eloquent name of Ugg. This early mastermind perfected what is known far and wide as the universal problem solver. Fire holds the official title of the greatest thing before sliced bread. Fire is cheap, easily accessible, and one of the best creations of all time.

A Brief History of Fire

CavemanFIRE

Ugg the mastermind at his peak of ingenuity.

While Ugg the Mastermind perfected fire, he did not create it. In fact, man had nothing to do with the original molding of the wonder substance at all. Numerous theories abound about how fire came to be in the possession of mere mortals, including the wildest hypotheses, ranging from "aliens did it" to "lightning struck a tree" to "flying unicorns"--But the truth is far different. Prometheus, possesser of stupidity foresight, descended from Mount Olympus to give man a gift of the Gods. Man, being still a total n00b in this harsh world, promptly killed himself while misusing fire. Zeus's anger at Prometheus was kindled, and he chained him to a mountain where crows would descend upon him and devour his kidneys for eternity. Or something like that. Eventually, Ugg came to learn of this fire and taught himself how to wield it, becoming a master firewielder. His first use of fire was to set his shrewish, nagging wife ablaze. For decades afterward, the sole use of fire was to whack an annoying spouse. However, Ugg realized its true potential--fire was the universal problem solver, and could be used in any situation. From that day forward, fire took a place in the lives of humans, never to be replaced.

Fire--The Universal Problem Solver

From the early days of fire when wife-burning was insanely popular, to today where it is still very widely used, fire has expanded its repertoire of uses. In fact, fire can be used for any situation, any time. ANY situation. Say you're being chased by rioting French Eco-Nazis AND radioactive flying weasels?. Fire can ease your plight. Hungry? Try fire, you'll find it rather spicy. Looking for a good time? "Come on baby, light my fire." Someone committed heresy? Fire specializes in witch burnings. Got fired? Fire the fuck back. Tsunami? Ha ha, yer screwed. However, these are all secondary uses. The most important function of fire is

KILL IT WITH FIRE!
FIREFIREFIRE

obviously...

So...Pretty...

Purtyflame

Dance, little flame, let your warmth flow over me...let me touch you...

Beautiful fire ... glow ... so pretty ... such beauty ... orange light dances across my face ... warms my soul to the very core ... dancing ... seduction ... its light ... it draws me in ...

flickers innocently ... tempting me ... such beauty ... warmth caresses me ... caresses my face ... her beauty ... would that it be mine ... dare I ... dare I caress her sweet

flame ... dare I caress her back ... yes ... oh, yes ... It feels ... it feels so ... So ...

AGH! It Burns!

Guyonfire

Why, fire, WHY have you turned against me?!?!?!

AAUGH! Hot, hot, hot, AAAAAA! ARRGGH! Oh, Ow, ow, ow, GHAAAAA!!!! Off, off, Get it off, Aaaaaaaarrgggh!!! The pain, oh, AAAAA! It BURNSSS! Get it off! ARRGGHH! GAA! Help, help, the fire! it hurts me! Fire! My skin charring, pain! Oh, pain! Fire! Fire! Oh, pain, hot, HOT, HOT!!!!! AAA!!!!! Please, make it stop! Make the pain stop!!!! AARRGGH! No! No! Stop the burning!!! Stop it! Hurts... please... it BURNS!!! My face, on fire!! Oh, make it STOP!

GHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!! GGRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEeeeeeeeeRRRGGGGHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh. oh... So warm, I see a light ... Orange light ... warm light ... gheh.





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