Fire

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:''This article is about '''fire''', the universal problem solver. For "Fire!" the firing squad command, see [[Criminal Justice System]].''
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|<span style="position:absolute;top:0px;left:-155px; z-index: 12">[[Image:Wiki.png|link=Main Page]]</span>[[Main Page|<span style="position:absolute;top:0px;left:-155px; z-index: 1; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20; color: transparent">~^¨¨<br>+-*`´<br>´#^*<br>;¤"<br>%*^¨<br>*´<br clear="left"><span style="font-size: 18px">UNCYCLOPEDIA</span></span>]]
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<span style="position:absolute;top:-50px;left:-175px;z-index:-1">[[Image:Flam0987e.gif|175px]]</span>
   
{{Q|Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life|Terry Pratchett|fire}}
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<div cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" id="title-meta" style="color: transparent; display: none"><br></div><div id="title-center" style="color: transparent; display: none"></div>
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<div style="padding-left: 3px; padding-right: 3px; border: 1px solid orange; color: #ffe1e1; font-family: verdana; background: black; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20; -moz-border-radius: 50px; border-radius: 50px; position: relative; top: -40px"><div id="firstHeading" class="firstHeading" style="z-index: 5; font-size: 48px; font-family: Times New Roman; letter-spacing: 0.5em; font-family: Times New Roman; text-align: center; color: yellow; padding-top: 25px; padding-bottom: 25px; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20">'''Fire'''<br><hr style="background-color: orange" /></div>
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{| align="center" style="max-width: 60%; -moz-border-radius: 25px; border-radius: 25px; margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 50px; width: auto; background: #6A1F00; color: yellow; -moz-box-shadow: inset -10px -10px 5px #4A1A00; -webkit-box-shadow: inset -10px -10px 5px #4A1A00; box-shadow: inset -10px -10px 5px #4A1A00; border-top: 3px inset orange; border-left: 3px inset orange"
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| colspan="5" align="center" valign="middle" style="font-size: 24px" | [[Image:FlammableDog.png|30px|link=]]<span style="vertical-align: middle; padding-left: 25px; padding-right: 25px">'''FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!'''</span>[[Image:FlammableDog.png|30px|link=]]
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| align="left" style="padding-left: 8px; padding-right: 8px; padding-bottom: 8px; vertical-align: top" | [[File:Warning.gif|border|80px|link=]]
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| align="center" style="text-align: left; vertical-align: middle; font-size: 16px; padding-left: 8px" | '''<u>It appears that some blundering <choose><option>clot</option><option>lummox</option><option>fool</option><option>vandal</option><option>pyromaniac</option><option>bungler</option><option>schlemiel</option><option>arsonist</option><option>blockhead</option></choose> has set this article on fire. You can help your local fire department by </u><u style="color: yellow"><span class="nounderlinelink">[{{SERVER}}{{localurl:{{NAMESPACE}}:{{PAGENAME}}|action=edit}} <span style="color: white">manning the hose</span>]</span></u>.'''
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| align="right" style="padding-left: 8px; padding-right: 16px; vertical-align: top" | [[File:Warning.gif|border|80px|link=]]
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{| align="right" class="wikitable" style="color: orange; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20; border: 2px solid #4F1F00; margin-left: 10px"
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|- style="background-color: #3F1A00" align="center"
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|<span style="vertical-align: middle">[[Image:Noflames.gif|200px]]</span>
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|- style="background-color: #3F1A00"
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|But did they listen?
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<blockquote style="margin: 0.4em 1em .8em 0; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20" class="quote"><span class="quoteline" style="background-color: transparent; font-size:1.1em;font-style:italic">“Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day - set a man on fire and he won't feel cold for the rest of his life.”</span><div style="margin-left:2em;"><span class="quoteauthor" style="font-weight:bold;background-color: transparent;">~ [[Oscar Wilde|<span style="color: orange">Oscar Wilde</span>]] on fire</span></div></blockquote>
   
{{Q|ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT BURNS!!!!!!!!|Captain Obvious|fire}}
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<blockquote style="margin: 0.4em 1em .8em 0; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20" class="quote"><span class="quoteline" style="background-color: transparent; font-size:1.1em;font-style:italic">“Fire is hot.”</span><div style="margin-left:2em;"><span class="quoteauthor" style="font-weight:bold;background-color: transparent;">~ [[Captain Obvious|<span style="color: orange">Captain Obvious</span>]] on fire</span></div></blockquote>
   
[[Image:Img_4943.jpg|thumb|250px|Would you like fries with that?]]
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<blockquote style="margin: 0.4em 1em .8em 0; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20" class="quote"><span class="quoteline" style="background-color: transparent; font-size:1.1em;font-style:italic">“Fire washes the skin off the bone and the sin off the soul. It cleans away the dirt. And my momma didn't raise herself no dirty boy.”</span><div style="margin-left:2em;"><span class="quoteauthor" style="font-weight:bold;background-color: transparent;">~ <span style="color: orange">Franko Tildon</span> on fire</span></div></blockquote>
   
'''Fire''' was invented in 1666 by the renouned [[British]] physicist [[Earnest Fire]]. It took many attempts to get the formula right, and one failure led to the destruction of a large part of London.
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'''Fire''' is arguably the most important discovery of the 18th millenia [[∞ BC to 1 BC|<span style="color: orange">BC</span>]]. Shortly after being invented in [[Wikipedia:Doggerland|<span style="color: orange">Doggerland</span>]] by [[caveman|<span style="color: orange">Ugg Gumb</span>]] in around 17500 BC, fire was officially banned under the ''Paleolithic Copyrights, Designs and Patents Act'' for being too similar to an idea in a atlatl/[[Drum|<span style="color: orange">tensed animal hide</span>]] song by one-hit-wonders, ''The Troglodytes''. After an appeal in 16891 BC, the Troglodytes heirs received a cash (well, at least food)settlement, the ban was lifted. Fire was then ordered confined to a small cottage in what is today southeast Europe for study where, after much experimentation, it attained fame as a universal problem solver. It was then released to the general public.
   
Acronym for '''Fiercely Initiated Rectal Experiment''' which is demonstrated in the expression "FIRE IN THE HOLE!".
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It then spread like wildfire, literally. Fire currently holds the official title of ''“[[The Official List of the Best Things in Existence|<span style="border-bottom: 0px; color: orange">the greatest thing</span>]] before [[Sliced bread|<span style="color: orange">sliced bread</span>]]”'', and is most famous for its popular application in making [[Hamburger|<span style="color: orange">burgers</span>]], which are widely held as one of the greatest foods.
Your fucking right man!!
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__NOTOC__
Usage: Your [[boss]] might say "''I'm going to '''F'''iercely '''I'''nitiate a '''R'''ectal '''E'''xperiment on your ass if I catch you editing the Uncyclopedia again!!!''"
 
I'm goingh to fire your ass bitch!
 
   
Also, an ancient but very advanced predatory animal (See [[burn]])
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<table id="toc" class="toc nounderlinelink" summary="Contents" style="border: transparent; -moz-border-radius: 15px; border-radius: 15px; background-color: #AF5000; color: yellow; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20; -moz-box-shadow: inset -5px -5px 5px 5px #8A3A00; -webkit-box-shadow: inset -5px -5px 5px 5px #8A3A00; box-shadow: inset -5px -5px 5px 5px #8A3A00"><tr><td><div id="toctitle"><h2>Contents</h2> <span style="cursor: pointer; color: yellow">[hide]</span></div>
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<ul>
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<li class="toclevel-1">[[#A_Brief_History_of_Fire|<span class="tocnumber" style="color: yellow">1</span> <span class="toctext" style="color: yellow">A Brief History of Fire</span>]]</li>
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<li class="toclevel-1">[[#Initial_Reaction_to_Fire|<span class="tocnumber" style="color: yellow">2</span> <span class="toctext" style="color: yellow">Initial Reaction to Fire</span>]]</li>
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<ul><li class="toclevel-2">[[#Views_on_Fire_in_The_Modern_Age|<span class="tocnumber" style="color: yellow">2.1</span> <span class="toctext" style="color: yellow">Views on Fire in The Modern Age</span>]]</li></ul>
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<li class="toclevel-1">[[#Fire--The_Universal_Problem_Solver|<span class="tocnumber" style="color: yellow">3</span> <span class="toctext" style="color: yellow">Fire--The Universal Problem Solver</span>]]</li>
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<li class="toclevel-1">[[#So...Pretty...|<span class="tocnumber" style="color: yellow">4</span> <span class="toctext" style="color: yellow">So...Pretty...</span>]]</li>
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<li class="toclevel-1">[[#ARGH!!!!|<span class="tocnumber" style="color: yellow">5</span> <span class="toctext" style="color: yellow">ARGH!!!!</span>]]</li>
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<li class="toclevel-1">[[#Satan_and_Fire|<span class="tocnumber" style="color: yellow">6</span> <span class="toctext" style="color: yellow">Satan and Fire</span>]]</li>
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<li class="toclevel-1">[[#See_also|<span class="tocnumber" style="color: yellow">7</span> <span class="toctext" style="color: yellow">See also</span>]]</li>
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</ul>
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</td></tr></table>
   
[[Image:UncyclopediaFireStation.JPG|thumb|right|300px|Uncyclopedia has it's ways...]]
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==<span style="color: orange; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20;">A Brief History of Fire</span>==
The opposite of fire is [[reverse fire]]. The only mortal being that is vulnerable to Reverse Fire is Itzhak Perlman.
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|- align="center"
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|<span style="vertical-align: middle">[[Image:CavemanFIRE.gif|180px]]</span>
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|-
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|Ugg the mastermind at his peak of ingenuity.
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|}
   
In its solid form, fire is quite harmless, and is in fact used to make wood, paper, and other useful objects. When heated to its melting point, however, fire can become very dangerous. In its aggressive liquid state, fire has been known to attack, and even kill.
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While Ugg the Mastermind perfected fire, he did not create it. In fact, man had nothing to do with the original taming of the wonder substance at all. Numerous theories abound about how fire came to be in the possession of mere mortals, including the wildest hypotheses, ranging from ''"[[Aliens|<span style="color: orange">aliens</span>]] [[A wizard did it|<span style="color: orange">did it</span>]]"'' to ''"[[Lightning|<span style="color: orange">lightning</span>]] struck a tree"'' to ''"flying narwhals"''--But the truth is far different. [[Prometheus|<span style="color: orange">Prometheus</span>]], possessor of <s>[[stupid|<span style="color: orange">stupidity</span>]]</s> foresight, descended from Mount Olympus to give man [[music|<span style="color: orange">a gift of the Gods</span>]]. He stole this Fire from Hades, who is the God of Hell Fire. Man, being still a total [[N00b|<span style="color: orange">n00b</span>]] in this harsh world, promptly killed himself while misusing fire. Zeus's anger at Prometheus was kindled, and he chained him to a mountain where crows would descend upon him and devour his kidneys for eternity. Or something like that. Eventually, Ugg came to learn of this ''fire'' and taught himself how to wield it, becoming a master fire wielder. (He did so because he misplaced his club in his pile of mammoth hides.) His first use of fire was to set his shrewish, nagging [[Wife|<span style="color: orange">wife</span>]] ablaze. For decades after, the sole use of fire was to [[kill|<span style="color: orange">whack</span>]] an annoying spouse. However, Ugg realized its true potential--fire was the universal problem solver, and could be used in any situation. From that day forward, fire took a place in the lives of [[Human|<span style="color: orange">humans</span>]], never to be replaced. Ever.
If attacked by fire, it is best to remain calm and immediately drop to the ground, because fire, due to its low self-esteem, will always go after the tallest victim it can find.
 
Fire is also terrified of loud noises, and screaming hysterically will often drive it away. It is also possible to extinguish it by feeding it to a tornado, but this can result in severe lacerations. If boiled, it will turn to common fire, which is neither hazardous nor helpful unless you wish to boil something in over 24hours. Gas fire is difficult to eliminate with a fire extinguisher. Since this fire respires anaerobically (without oxygen), the best thing to do is feed it with a plentiful supply of oxygen, ideally from a scuba diving tank. This will reduce it to a mere spark. This worthless spark may come into contact with a flammable solvent, such a a pritt stick, and so will start the fire again. This shows the problems posed by liquid and gaseous fire.
 
   
==Do's of fire==
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==<span style="color: orange; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20;">Initial Reaction to Fire</span>==
[[Image:Guyonfire.jpg|thumb|250px|A well-known do of fire, to [[die]]]]
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<div align="right"><br clear="right">
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{| align="right" class="wikitable" style="width: 125px; background-color: #3F1A00; color: orange; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20; border: 2px solid #4F1F00; margin-left: 10px; float: right; border-top: 2px inset brown; border-left: 2px inset brown; border-bottom: 2px outset #3F1A00; border-right: 2px outset #3F1A00"
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|- align="center"
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|<span style="vertical-align: middle">[[Image:fireorgy.jpeg|114px]]</span>
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|-
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|The Scientifically Correct Fire Formula.
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|}
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</div>
   
*DO sit with fire for a while, he gets bored and lonely very easily.
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The daily popular science and history magazine ''Doggerland Chronicles'' wisely had this to say about this ingenious new invention in their special 17473 B.C. issue, written directly on cave walls all across todays Europe, northwest Asia and northern Africa:
*DO create more fires if fire is lonely.
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{| style="margin:auto; margin-bottom: 30px; border-collapse:collapse; background-color: transparent; width: 60%; border: none; -moz-border-radius: 25px; border-radius: 25px; background: #6A1F00; -moz-box-shadow: inset -10px -10px 5px #4A1A00; -webkit-box-shadow: inset -10px -10px 5px #4A1A00; box-shadow: inset -10px -10px 5px #4A1A00"
*DO use fire as a form of teleportation err down there...see Satan.
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| width="20" valign="top" style="color: orange; font-size: 35px; font-family:'Times New Roman',serif;font-weight:bold;text-align:left;padding:10px 10px;" | “
*DO throw useless people in fire such as infidels, [[emos]], [[poor people]], the creator of mosquitoes, the creator of AIDS, the people who made [[sheep]] famous, and [[Austrailians]].
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| valign="top" style="padding:4px 10px; font-size: 12px; font-family: verdana; color: yellow" | Mages and visionary philosophers marvels at this new invention which popular culture have dubbed "fire" and which was discovered last month after a severe thunderstorm. The revolutionary new invention is truly miracleous and its applications seemingly endless. <br/><br/>No longer will we have to freeze and shiver during the winters, but we can also use it to cook our food and make it both tastier and healthier, as it allows for the destruction of parasites which has ever plagued us since time immemorial. Shamans and wise men marvels over its possible use as a signal by controlling the release of smoke and to dance around at night in order to bring us closer to the spirit world. <br/><br/>Toolsmen and hunters have considered its use as a way of frightening of predators and to ensnare and encircle beasts to be hunted for consumption. Toolsmen and mysticists are still working on new ways to artificially produce a flame which can then allow for serial manufacturing of the new invention to bring it to global use for troglodytes worldwide.
*DO exaggerate the power of fire to your friends.
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| width="20" valign="bottom" style="color: orange;font-size: 35px;font-family:'Times New Roman',serif;font-weight:bold;text-align:right;padding:10px 10px;" | ”
*DO make water talk to fire if fire becomes too full of itself.
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|-
*DO torture fire when it is bad by peeing or spraying it with water.
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|}
*DO spray any form of bug spray on fire when there are some mosquitoes near it.
 
*DO burn down the houses of everyone you don't like; it's not only is it a really good way to get through to them about how disgusting they are, but also very pretty to watch.
 
*DO use it as a way to say, "Fuck you, Jake".
 
*DO Kill it with fire.
 
*Do send fire in large quantities to [[Jack Thompson]].
 
----
 
   
[[Image:FIREFIREFIRE.gif|left|thumb|200px|HAHAHA]]
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In the issue, ''Doggerland Chronicles'' also interviewed two oddly dressed youngsters bearing the seemingly anachronistic names [[Bill & Ted|<span style="color: orange">Bill and Ted</span>]] on what they thought about the new invention:<br/>
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<br/>
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::<span style="color: white">'''''“Duuuuuuuuuuuuuude, this new invention they call fire is the coolest thing since the quantum computer was invented! It's really going to change everything now! Whoever invented it is going to get himself lots of ''dineros'', fast cars and babes. By the way dude, you don't happen to know which year it is now? It surely doesn't look like the year 2135 AD to me...”'''''</span>
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<br/>
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It would not take long before fire could be serially manufactured, and by the early Mesolithic the prizes for flint and amadou had dropped by 80 percent and could now be bought cheaply in your local trading hut for as little as five apples or one mere salmon. When fire was made popular in the 16th millenia B.C., little was known about it except that, it kept you warm, scared away animals, made food taste less of stomach ache but more of burning and that if it got too big and attacked you, you could extinguish it with pee or spit. It was not long before the apparent problems caused by the new invention began to surface, as described by the great shaman, toolsman and philosopher '''''Trogloditus''''' 2000 years later:<br/>
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<br/>
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::<span style="color: white">'''''“What is happening to our young people? They set fire to their elders, they burn the houses of the parents. They lit the forests and drives the beasts we hunt away with their torches. They ignore the gods. They riot in the caves inflamed with wild notions, setting everything in sight ablaze. Their morals are decaying because of this devilish contrivance they call fire.”'''''</span>
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<br/>
   
==Don'ts of fire==
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In one caveman community, the two dwellers Jakkú and Bãshka had this to say to ''Doggerland Chronicles'' about fire:<br/><br/>
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{| style="margin:auto; margin-bottom: 30px; border-collapse:collapse; width: 60%; border: none; background: black; -moz-box-shadow: inset -10px -10px 5px #4A1A00; -webkit-box-shadow: inset -10px -10px 5px #4A1A00; box-shadow: inset -10px -10px 5px #4A1A00; -moz-border-radius: 25px; border-radius: 25px"
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|- style="-moz-border-radius-bottomleft: 25px; border-bottom-left-radius: 25px; -moz-border-radius-topright: 25px; border-top-right-radius: 25px"
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| width="40" valign="middle" style="-moz-border-radius-topleft: 25px; border-top-left-radius: 25px; background: #6A1F00; color: yellow; yellow; padding:4px 10px; font-size: 12px; font-family: verdana" | Jakkú:
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| width="20" valign="top" style="color: orange; font-size: 35px; font-family:'Times New Roman',serif;font-weight:bold;text-align:left;padding:10px 10px; background: #8F3000" | “
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| valign="middle" style="color: yellow; padding:4px 10px; font-size: 12px; font-family: verdana; background: #8F3000" | '''''“No, me don't like it, oh no, no, none of that thank you, not round 'ere, no thank you very much sir.”'''''
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| width="20" valign="bottom" style="-moz-border-radius-topright: 25px; border-top-right-radius: 25px; color: orange;font-size: 35px;font-family:'Times New Roman',serif;font-weight:bold;text-align:right;padding:10px 10px; background: #8F3000" | ”
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|- style="height: 100px; background: #6A1F00"
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| width="40" valign="middle" style="color: white; padding:4px 10px; font-size: 12px; font-family: verdana; background: #8F3000" | Bãshka:
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| width="20" valign="top" style="color: orange; font-size: 35px; font-family:'Times New Roman',serif;font-weight:bold;text-align:left;padding:10px 10px;" | “
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| valign="middle" style="color: white; padding:4px 10px; font-size: 12px; font-family: verdana" | '''''"To be honest it goes above my head, my grandson's very good at it though, such a nice boy. I use it for burning black people you see.”'''''
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| width="20" valign="bottom" style="color: orange;font-size: 35px;font-family:'Times New Roman',serif;font-weight:bold;text-align:right;padding:10px 10px;" | ”
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|- style="height: 100px; background: #8F3000"
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| width="40" valign="middle" style="background: #6A1F00; color: yellow; padding:4px 10px; font-size: 12px; font-family: verdana" | Jakkú:
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| width="20" valign="top" style="color: orange;font-size: 35px;font-family:'Times New Roman',serif;font-weight:bold;text-align:right;padding:10px 10px;" | “
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| valign="middle" style="color: yellow; padding:4px 10px; font-size: 12px; font-family: verdana" | '''''“Ug”'''''
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| width="20" valign="bottom" style="color: orange;font-size: 35px;font-family:'Times New Roman',serif;font-weight:bold;text-align:right;padding:10px 10px;" | ”
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|- style="height: 100px; background: #6A1F00"
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| width="40" valign="middle" style="color: white; padding:4px 10px; font-size: 12px; font-family: verdana; background: #8F3000" | Bãshka:
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| width="20" valign="top" style="color: orange;font-size: 35px;font-family:'Times New Roman',serif;font-weight:bold;text-align:right;padding:10px 10px;" | “
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| valign="middle" style="color: white; padding:4px 10px; font-size: 12px; font-family: verdana" | '''''"Oh yeah, fire, cool man, yeah, I dig it. It's hip, it's happening, it's what all the kids are doing, I was out on this bender right with all my friends, right, who I like hang out with cos' they let me cos' they like me, and yeah so, anyway, I used the fire, to, you know, help dry my tears as I contemplated my crippling loneliness.”'''''
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| width="20" valign="bottom" style="color: orange;font-size: 35px;font-family:'Times New Roman',serif;font-weight:bold;text-align:right;padding:10px 10px;" | ”
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|- style="height: 100px; background: #8F3000"
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| width="40" valign="middle" style="background: #6A1F00; color: yellow; padding:4px 10px; font-size: 12px; font-family: verdana" | Jakkú:
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| width="20" valign="top" style="color: orange;font-size: 35px;font-family:'Times New Roman',serif;font-weight:bold;text-align:right;padding:10px 10px;" | “
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| valign="middle" style="color: yellow; padding:4px 10px; font-size: 12px; font-family: verdana" | '''''“Ug”'''''
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| width="20" valign="bottom" style="color: orange;font-size: 35px;font-family:'Times New Roman',serif;font-weight:bold;text-align:right;padding:10px 10px;" | ”
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|- style="height: 100px; background: #6A1F00"
  +
| width="40" valign="middle" style="color: white; padding:4px 10px; font-size: 12px; font-family: verdana; background: #8F3000" | Bãshka:
  +
| width="20" valign="top" style="color: orange;font-size: 35px;font-family:'Times New Roman',serif;font-weight:bold;text-align:right;padding:10px 10px;" | “
  +
| valign="middle" style="color: white; padding:4px 10px; font-size: 12px; font-family: verdana" | '''''“It's the kids I'm worried about, what if this new fangled fire influences them, you know, stops them doing nice wholehearted things, like having sex with things and then killing them.”'''''
  +
| width="20" valign="bottom" style="color: orange;font-size: 35px;font-family:'Times New Roman',serif;font-weight:bold;text-align:right;padding:10px 10px;" | ”
  +
|- style="height: 100px; background: #8F3000"
  +
| width="40" valign="middle" style="background: #6A1F00; color: yellow; padding:4px 10px; font-size: 12px; font-family: verdana" | Jakkú:
  +
| width="20" valign="top" style="color: orange;font-size: 35px;font-family:'Times New Roman',serif;font-weight:bold;text-align:right;padding:10px 10px;" | “
  +
| valign="middle" style="color: yellow; padding:4px 10px; font-size: 12px; font-family: verdana" | '''''“It's useful for keeping away that annoying guy who keeps saying ug”'''''
  +
| width="20" valign="bottom" style="color: orange;font-size: 35px;font-family:'Times New Roman',serif;font-weight:bold;text-align:right;padding:10px 10px;" | ”
  +
|- style="height: 100px; background: #6A1F00"
  +
| width="40" valign="middle" style="color: white; padding:4px 10px; font-size: 12px; font-family: verdana; background: #8F3000" | Bãshka:
  +
| width="20" valign="top" style="color: orange;font-size: 35px;font-family:'Times New Roman',serif;font-weight:bold;text-align:right;padding:10px 10px;" | “
  +
| valign="middle" style="color: white; padding:4px 10px; font-size: 12px; font-family: verdana" | '''''"Fire, Fire, FIRE, you come talking to me about fire, what you tryin' to say mutha 'ucka, huh. what you tryin' to say foo', what just cos' fire turns things black, I should be interested, racist.”'''''
  +
| width="20" valign="bottom" style="color: orange;font-size: 35px;font-family:'Times New Roman',serif;font-weight:bold;text-align:right;padding:10px 10px;" | ”
  +
|- style="height: 100px; background: #8F3000"
  +
| width="40" valign="middle" style="background: #6A1F00; color: yellow; padding:4px 10px; font-size: 12px; font-family: verdana" | Jakkú:
  +
| width="20" valign="top" style="color: orange;font-size: 35px;font-family:'Times New Roman',serif;font-weight:bold;text-align:right;padding:10px 10px;" | “
  +
| valign="middle" style="color: yellow; padding:4px 10px; font-size: 12px; font-family: verdana" |'''''“Ug”
  +
| width="20" valign="bottom" style="color: orange;font-size: 35px;font-family:'Times New Roman',serif;font-weight:bold;text-align:right;padding:10px 10px;" | ”
  +
|- style="height: 100px"
  +
| width="40" valign="middle" style="-moz-border-radius-bottomleft: 25px; border-bottom-left-radius: 25px; color: white; padding:4px 10px; font-size: 12px; font-family: verdana; background: #8F3000" | Bãshka:
  +
| width="20" valign="top" style="color: orange;font-size: 35px;font-family:'Times New Roman',serif;font-weight:bold;text-align:right;padding:10px 10px; background: #6A1F00" | “
  +
| valign="middle" style="color: white; padding:4px 10px; font-size: 12px; font-family: verdana; background: #6A1F00" | '''''“Die, you monosyllabic tosser!”'''''
  +
| width="20" valign="bottom" style="-moz-border-radius-bottomright: 25px; border-bottom-right-radius: 25px; color: orange;font-size: 35px;font-family:'Times New Roman',serif;font-weight:bold;text-align:right;padding:10px 10px; background: #6A1F00" | ”
  +
|-
  +
|}
  +
<div align="left">
  +
{| align="left" class="wikitable" style="width: 220px; background-color: #3F1A00; color: orange; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20; border: 2px solid #4F1F00; margin-right: 10px; float: right"
  +
|- align="center"
  +
|<span style="vertical-align: middle">[[Image:Song-chart-memes-fire-fun.jpg|201px]]</span>
  +
|-
  +
|The Fire Formula
  +
|}
  +
</div>
   
*Do NOT have sex with fire
+
"Ug, ow, crap, I'm on fire, I'm bloody on fire! Somebody help! I'm completely on f....."
*Do NOT think it is cool to start a fire in the middle of a field, it's very bad. I know, I tried.
 
*Do NOT attempt to eat fire, it is NOT edible.
 
*Do NOT give fire as a present to your boss.
 
*Do NOT worship fire too much inside your house.
 
*Do NOT attempt to put out fires using petroleum.
 
*Do NOT create fires inside whales mouths in order to free yourself. (I don't care if it worked for [[Pinocchio]], that type of shit pisses off [[Greenpeace]])
 
*Do NOT attempt to fornicate with fire.
 
*Do NOT read newspapers whilst on fire, it just doesn't work.
 
*Do NOT Believe that the roof is on fire actually it's only you.
 
*Do NOT attempt to make fire smell better by spraying it with Deo, use petrol instead.
 
*Do NOT try to cook computers.
 
*Do NOT try to put out fire with alchohol.
 
*Do NOT lick fire.
 
*Do NOT engage in hand to hand combat with fire. (unless you have a certificate from the international board of Fire Karate Masters, or you are the God of Icecream)
 
*Do NOT leave your fire unattended without parental supervision.
 
*Do NOT start fires whilst Smokey the bear is around, he'll fuck you up otherwise.
 
*Do NOT eat too much popcorn.
 
*Do NOT write your name in lemon juice on a piece of paper then put it on a stove burner unless, you want to set someone or something on fire (like your teacher or your shcool).
 
*Do NOT let Nic near flammable objects.
 
*Do NOT add fire in your bibliographies.
 
*Do NOT let fire grade your homework for you.
 
*Do NOT let fire cook your meals, use radio waves instead.
 
*Do NOT be an idiot and think that flaming things taste better.
 
*Do NOT take fire out for a romantic meal at that nice little Italian restaurant round the corner from your apartment and spill wine on her dress.
 
*Do NOT water your fire. Fire is never thirsty.
 
*Do NOT Invite Arthur brown and his crazy world around again.
 
*Do NOT fall madly in love with fire and try to merge yourself with it.
 
*Do [[The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy|NOT]] [[HowTo:Deal with an emergency|panic]].
 
*Do NOT let two different fires in the same room. They are very intimate creatures, and will soon breed, spread and become a force so powerful they will burn down your house and destroy your [[toaster]] along with the portal inside it, pissing off the realm of badgers that dwell within it. Big time.
 
*Do NOT try flirting with fire. It might look hot, but trust me, it's heart is cold.
 
*Do NOT Burn down your school unless it has a science lab with a running gas line. Then you can burn it all you want so it goes sky high!!!
 
*Do NOT steal fire from The Gods, unless you ''like'' the idea of being chained to a rock while an eagle [[Prometheus|eats your liver]] [[Hannibal Lecter|with fava beans and a nice Amarone]] over and over again.
 
*Do NOT let Jummy get near any fire or fire starting objects.
 
*Do NOT try to put out burning petroleum with water, this will cause the flames to leap into the air and destroy your mom's mini-blinds. Long story...
 
*Do NOT call the firefighters, fire is not in the mood to fight.
 
*Do NOT talk with fire because it dosen't like you and will not talk back
 
*Do NOT play football with fire or any other kind of sport
 
   
== Firing Squads ==
+
The interviewer, stopped here as he realised the ridiculousness of this whole situation. He might have survived, had it only been discovered that fire can be extinguished by [[Water|<span style="color: orange">water</span>]] a few centuries earlier than it later happened.
[[Image:Bubble on Beach.jpg|thumb|right]]
 
A torture technique used in the [[Dark Ages]] to punish wayward [[Jimbo Wales|encyclopedia salesmen]], the '''firing squad''' is also one of the most fabled rites of passage for growing [[dicks]]s.
 
   
Firing squads consist of eight to thirty-two [[priest]]s armed with matches and the cigarette packs [[James Bond]] used in ''You Only Live Twice''. The priests light 21 cigarettes and are urged to aim them towards the recipient of the punishment, although it is not uncommon for them to turn them on other priests or random citizens walking about the punishing grounds.
+
=== <span style="color: orange; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20;">Views on Fire in The Modern Age</span> ===
  +
<div align="right"><br clear="right">
  +
{| align="right" class="wikitable" style="width: 220px; background-color: #3F1A00; color: orange; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20; border: 2px solid #4F1F00; margin-left: 10px"
  +
|- align="center"
  +
|<span style="vertical-align: middle">[[Image:Holy Shit, that was awesome.png|200px]]</span>
  +
|-
  +
|If you see this sign, then grab a can of gasoline, pour the gas, light it on fire, then run like hell.
  +
|}
  +
</div>
  +
Fire fell briefly out of favour in the Victorian age when steam was discovered to be more useful, became briefly more popular from 1914 to 1945 when it was discovered to be good at killing German people, before being forgotten again in the 60's and 70's whe it was discovered that smoke from some plants could make you feel happy, say "wow' a lot and actually think that Jethro Tull is good.
  +
However, thanks to immensely popular people like Mary Whitehouse and Margaret Thatcher, drugs become hated and have now fallen completely out of use. this paved the path for fire's triumphant return to the mainstream. Fire was brought back in 1982 by a frenzied advertising blitz in Europe and the USA with slogans such as "fire, the burning stuff" and "give a damn, light a fire". it was also endorsed by a number of celebrities, and was referred to everywhere in the showbiz scene of that time. This was one of the most popular jokes at the time. Some modern experts also consider fire the most delicious thing ever created. Unfortunately, all these experts have quickly died out of what was obviously a case of excessive enjoyment.
   
Strangely enough, most victims of fire are named Will, due to madmen shouting randomly "Fire At Will".
+
==<span style="color: orange; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20;">Fire--The Universal Problem Solver</span>==
  +
<!--While this is a list, yes, you may only add to this list if it is logically funny or so outrageous that you can't help but laugh. You need an explanation to go with your use of fire. NO STUPID STUFF. This is what destroyed the original fire article in the first place. NO STUPIDITY. PERIOD.-->
  +
{| align="left" class="wikitable" style="width: 200px; background-color: #3F1A00; color: orange; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20; border: 2px solid #4F1F00; margin-right: 10px"
  +
|- align="center"
  +
|<span style="vertical-align: middle">[[Image:Oh noes fire.jpg|180px]]</span>
  +
|-
  +
|
  +
|}
   
==The History Of Fire==
+
From the early days of fire when [[wife|<span style="color: orange">wife-burning</span>]] was insanely [[Popular|<span style="color: orange">popular</span>]], to today where it is still [[everyone|<span style="color: orange">very widely used</span>]], fire has expanded its [[resume|<span style="color: orange">repertoire of uses</span>]]. In fact, fire can be used for any situation, any time. ANY situation. Say you're being chased by rioting French Eco-Nazis ''AND'' radioactive flying weasels AND zombie bananas from the Hindenburg full of [[Idiotic Table of the Elements|<span style="color: orange">Assium</span>]] AND gay faggot cows from planet OinkLlamaSprinkleWinkleWhee AND giant bouncy fossilized titanium balls AND protesting army solidiers in Iraq threatening to cause Armageddon by the use of stainless steel mine grenades placed in the Great Pyramid and Niagra Falls and the 7 wonders AND fat midget ass-shaped aliens from Uranus. Fire can ease your plight. Hungry? Try fire, you'll find it rather [[Spice|<span style="color: orange">spicy</span>]]. Looking for a good time? ''"[[Hippies|<span style="color: orange">Come on baby, light my fire.</span>]]"'' Someone committed heresy? Fire specializes in witch burnings (and teacher burnings).If you want to make anything extreme, add fire. Extreme football? Light the football on fire. Extreme jump-roping? Light the jumprope on fire. Extreme studying? Light the nerds on fire. Got fired? Fire the fuckin bitch back (with all your power, get a big bad-ass superpower flamethrower and TORCH the fuckin bitch!!!). Tsunami? Ha ha, yer screwed. However, these are all secondary uses. The most [[Important|<span style="color: orange">important</span>]] function of fire is to kill yourself with.
   
Long, long ago, in the country Mexico, George W. Bush was born. He was born with two black horns and a Devil's tail. Seeing as having this was 'immoral' people chased him down and cut them off when he was nine. Then, as a balding teenager of 14, as he was being ran down by the 4046th angry mob of his life, he ran to a dark alley where there was a mysterious lamp. Being the stupid ape he was, he took it and smashed it against his head (no wishes for him!!) Suddenly, the magic inside the lamp exploded and he found before him a duck, a rubber chicken, a shoe, a 63-leaf clover, a spoon, and two rocks. First, he took a rock, and started rubbing it against each item. Nothing happened, until he got to the other rock. First sparks appeared, and then he held the sparks by a nearby twig. Then the stick caught fire. Noticing that it was "Pretty, pretty, glowy, glowy" he picked up the stick, obliviously admiring the flames (ignorance is bliss). Once the mob caught up, they noticed the fire and were terrified. Then they ran away. Figuring he was God, he decided to ride on a plank of wood overseas to the U.S to run for president because he had nothing better to do. But anyway, that's how fire came to be.
+
<small>obviously...</small>
   
----
+
==<span style="color: orange; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20;">So...Pretty...</span>==
  +
{| align="right" class="wikitable" style="width: 200px; background-color: #3F1A00; color: orange; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20; border: 2px solid #4F1F00; margin-left: 10px"
  +
|- align="center"
  +
|<span style="vertical-align: middle">[[Image:Purtyflame.jpg|180px]]</span>
  +
|-
  +
|Dance, little flame, let your warmth flow over me... let me ''touch'' you...
  +
|}
   
== Didn't Start the Fire ==
+
''Beautiful fire ... glow ... so pretty ... such beauty ... orange light dances across my face ... warms my soul to the very core ... dancing ... seduction ... her light ... it draws me in ... she flickers innocently ... tempting me ... such beauty ... warmth caresses me ... caresses my face ... her beauty ... would that it be mine ... dare I ... dare I caress her sweet flame ... dare I caress her back ... I want you ... so much ... let me ... let me take you ... oh ... yes ... oh, yes ... you feel ... you feel so ... <big>So ... </big>cooold....?''
   
[[Image:flame.jpg|thumb|right|150px|"I didn't start that shit!"]]
+
==<span style="color: orange; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20;">ARGH!!!!</span>==
*[[Sephiroth]]
+
{| align="left" class="wikitable" style="width: 200px; background-color: #3F1A00; color: orange; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20; border: 2px solid #4F1F00; margin-right: 10px"
*[[Kitten]]s
+
|- align="center"
*[[Zork]]
+
|<span style="vertical-align: middle">[[Image:Guyonfire.jpg|180px]]</span>
*[[Grue]]s
+
|-
*[[Metallica]]
+
|Why, fire, WHY have you [[HowTo:Deal with Being on Fire|<span style="color: orange">turned against me</span>]]?!?!?!
*[[Ireland]]
+
|}
*[[Speranah]]
 
*[[Pirate]]s
 
*[[Ninja]]s
 
*[[Pirate Ninja Jesus]]
 
* the [[Star Fox]] team
 
*[[Flying Spaghetti Monster]]
 
*[[Darth Hitler]]
 
*[[Harry S Truman|Harry Truman]]
 
*[[Doris Day]]
 
*[[Red China]]
 
*[[Joe McCarthy]]
 
*[[Richard Nixon]]
 
*[[Television]]
 
*[[North Korea]]
 
*[[South Korea]]
 
*[[Marilyn Monroe]]
 
*[[Catcher in the Rye]]
 
*[[Eisenhower]]
 
*[[Liberace]]
 
*[[Peter Pan]]
 
*[[Elvis Presley]]
 
*[[Disneyland]]
 
*[[Space Monkey Mafia]]
 
*[[heavy metal]]
 
*[[suicide]]
 
*[[AIDS]]
 
*[[Crack]]
 
*[[China]]'s under martial law
 
*Rock and Roller cola wars <sub>[[#Footnotes|1]]</sub>
 
*[[Bunny|Bunnies]]
 
*[[Oprah Harpo]]
 
*[[Manly Lisa]]
 
*[[Homestar Runner]]
 
*[[Strong Bad]]
 
*[[Mr. T]]
 
*[[Devon]]
 
*[[us|We]]
 
*[[us|Wii]]
 
*[[Marilyn Monroe]]
 
   
==Fire for Romance==
+
<blockquote style="margin: 0.4em 1em .8em 0; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20" class="quote"><span class="quoteline" style="background-color: transparent; font-size:1.1em;font-style:italic">“THAT'S HOT!!!”</span><div style="margin-left:2em;"><span class="quoteauthor" style="font-weight:bold;background-color: transparent;">~ [[Paris Hilton (Person)|<span style="color: orange">Paris Hilton</span>]] on fire</span></div></blockquote>
{{q|That's hot!|Paris Hilton|fire}}
+
<blockquote style="margin: 0.4em 1em .8em 0; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20" class="quote"><span class="quoteline" style="background-color: transparent; font-size:1.1em;font-style:italic">“The way I feel, I don't expect to go to sleep for a year. I'm on fucking fire!”</span><div style="margin-left:2em;"><span class="quoteauthor" style="font-weight:bold;background-color: transparent;">~ [[Terence McKenna|<span style="color: orange">Terence McKenna</span>]] on fire</span></div></blockquote>
  +
'''<big>AAUGH!</big> Hot, hot, hot, [[AAAAAAAAA!|<span style="color: orange">AAAAAAAAA!</span>]] ARRGGH! How can something so right feel so wrong!? Oh, ow, ow, ow, GHAAAAA!!!! Off, off, Get it off, Aaaaaaaarrgggh!!! The pain, oh, AAAAA! It <big>BURNSSS!</big> Get it off! ARRGGHH! GAA! Help, help, the fire! it hurts me! Fire! My skin charring, pain! Oh, pain! Fire! Fire! Oh, pain, hot, HOT, <big>HOT!!!!!</big> AAA!!!!! Please, make it stop! Make the pain stop!!!! AARRGGH! No! No! Stop the burning!!! Stop it! Hurts... please... it BURNS!!! My face, on fire!! Oh, make it STOP!''' ''Dying, can't... go... on...'' <small>''gheh.''</small>
   
Gentle firelight can set the mood for a wholesome night of romantic [[Blowjob|kissing]] and mutual declarations of [[love]]. All you need is a wooden chair or other [[shit|flammable substance]] and a safe, hopefully private place to light the [[Atomic_bomb|match]].
+
== <span class="references-small" style="color: orange; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20;">Satan and Fire</span> ==
  +
Satan and fire used to be very close with each other. Fire and Satan would do everything together, give people AIDS, cause global warming, [[HowTo:Shoop Da Woop|<span style="color: orange">fire their lasers</span>]] in enemy territories shouting, "I'm in your base killin' your dudes!," etc. While they had their time together they would usually do the most evil thing ever imaginable... listen to Sting. The relationship lasted long to the eventual point of Satan intending to marry his precious fire. However their relationship had ended when Satan found fire in bed with [[Steven Colbert|<span style="color: orange">Steven Colbert</span>]].
  +
<br clear="left">
  +
==<span style="color: orange; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20;">Fire Safety Is Not A Joke Son</span>==
  +
<div style="font-size: 90%; -moz-column-width: 2; -webkit-column-width: 2; column-width: 2; -moz-column-count: 2; -webkit-column-count: 2; column-count: 2">
  +
Fire is very dangerous, you shouldn't run with matches, you could poke someone's eye out for a start. Fire usually comes in flat pack boxes and has to be assembled. Obviously there is a great amount of risk to doing this and the results of poor fire assembly could be devestating, so it has to be done in a safe environment. Therefore it is a legal requirement for all public buildings and places of work to have safe places to assemble fire. Commonly this will be in the form of a designated 'Fire Assembly Point', somewhere at a safe distance from a building.
   
==Fire for heat and food==
+
==<span style="color: orange; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20;">See Also</span>==
Fire can be used to cook wood. This is a difficult procedure and may require gallons of gasoline if you are a beginner, lazy, or drunk. If you are [[James Bond]] then all you need is a laser [[wristwatch]]. When the wood is cooked it is turned into heat which is edible and necessary for life, and smoke which smells great.
+
<div style="font-size: 90%; -moz-column-width: 2; -webkit-column-width: 2; column-width: 2; -moz-column-count: 2; -webkit-column-count: 2; column-count: 2">
  +
*[[Hell|<span style="color: orange">Hell</span>]]
  +
* [[HowTo:Start a Fire|<span style="color: orange">HowTo:Start a Fire</span>]]
  +
* [[Flame War|<span style="color: orange">Flame War</span>]]
  +
* [[Cow arson|<span style="color: orange">Cow arson</span>]]
  +
* [[Forest Fire Week|<span style="color: orange">Forest Fire Week</span>]]
  +
* [[Fire and Brimstone|<span style="color: orange">Fire and Brimstone</span>]]
  +
* [[Fire Truck|<span style="color: orange">Fire Truck</span>]]
  +
* [[Spontaneous human combustion|<span style="color: orange">Spontaneous human combustion</span>]]
  +
* [[This Page Is On Fire|<span style="color: orange">This Page Is On Fire</span>]]
  +
* [[Purgatory|<span style="color: orange">Purgatory</span>]]
  +
* [[I burning your dog|<span style="color: orange">I burning your dog</span>]]
  +
* [[Effect of Dragons on Global Warming|<span style="color: orange">Effect of Dragons on Global Warming</span>]]
  +
* [[Hug People While You're on Fire Day|<span style="color: orange">Hug People While You're on Fire Day</span>]]
  +
* [[UnNews:In response to widespread devastation in California, Bush declares war on fire|<span style="color: orange">George W. Bush responds to crisis in California by declaring war on fire</span>]]
  +
* [[HowTo:Deal with Being on Fire|<span style="color: orange">HowTo:Deal with Being on Fire</span>]]
  +
* [[Why?I'm Hot|<span style="color: orange">Why?:I'm Hot</span>]]
  +
* [[Pyromaniac|<span style="color: orange">Pyromaniac</span>]]
  +
* [[Arson|<span style="color: orange">Arson</span>]]
  +
* [[Firefighter|<span style="color: orange">Firefighter</span>]]
  +
* [[Wikipedia:Girl on Fire (song)|<span style="color:orange">Girl on Fire</span>]]
  +
</div>
  +
<div class="nounderlinelink" id="catlinks" style="width: 100%; position: relative; top: 114px; left: -5px; z-index: 5; background-color: #6A1F00; color: yellow; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20; -moz-box-shadow: inset -5px -5px 5px 5px #4F1800; -webkit-box-shadow: inset -5px -5px 5px 5px #4F1800; box-shadow: inset -5px -5px 5px 5px #4F1800; -moz-border-radius: 10px; border-radius: 10px"><p class="catlinks">[[Special:Categories|<span style="color: Orange">Categories</span>]]: | [[:Category:Fire|<span style="color: orange">Fire</span>]] | [[:Category:Articles that make me thirsty|<span style="color: orange">Articles that make me thirsty</span>]] | [[:Category:Disasters|<span style="color: orange">Disasters</span>]] | [[:Category:Elements|<span style="color: orange">Elements</span>]] | [[:Category:Hot|<span style="color: orange">Hot</span>]] | [[:Category:Natural hazards|<span style="color: orange">Natural hazards</span>]] | [[:Category:Not safe for work|<span style="color: orange">Not safe for work</span>]] | [[:Category:Pages that look like the things they're about|<span style="color: orange">Pages that look like the things they're about</span>]] | [[:Category:Thermodynamics|<span style="color: orange">Thermodynamics</span>]] | [[:Category:Things that want to destroy all people|<span style="color: orange">Things that want to destroy all people</span>]] | [[:Category:Things Al Gore invented|<span style="color: orange">Things Al Gore invented</span>]] | [[:Category:Things That Will Kill You|<span style="color: orange">Things That Will Kill You</span>]] | [[:Category:USA's Next Target|<span style="color: orange">USA's Next Target</span>]] | [[:Category:War on Terra|<span style="color: orange">War on Terra</span>]]</p></div></div>
   
some dietitians suggest that fire only diets can severely shorten lifestyle, but when eaten as part of a balanced diet can actually increase chances of catching aids.
 
   
==Fire as a weapon==
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[[Category:Fire]]
Fire is only good for killing one thing, and that is a [[speranah]]. If you think you can use fire to kill ''anything'' else, you're a dumbass.
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[[Category:Articles that make me thirsty]]
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[[Category:Disasters]]
===Footnotes===
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[[Category:Elements]]
# Feet are used for walking
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[[Category:Hot]]
# Feet have toes
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[[Category:Natural hazards]]
# Feet like shoes
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[[Category:Not safe for work]]
# Feet can and can not smell badly
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[[Category:Pages that look like the things they're about]]
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[[Category:Thermodynamics]]
===Burn Everything===
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[[Category:Things that want to destroy all people]]
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[[Category:Things Al Gore invented]]
==See also==
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[[Category:Things That Will Kill You]]
* [[HowTo:Start a Fire]]
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[[Category:USA's Next Target]]
* [[Cow arson]]
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[[Category:War on Terra]]
* [[Forest Fire Week]]
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[[Category:Vital articles|2]]
* [[Holy Spirit]]
 
* [[Urination]]
 
* [[Fire and Brimstone]]
 
* [[Fire Department]]
 
* [[Fire Truck]]
 
* [[Fire fighter]]
 
* [[Effect of Dragons on Global Warming]]
 
* [[Hug People While You're on Fire Day]]
 
* [[UnNews:Pakistani_protesters_burn_effigy_of_themselves.]]
 
 
==External Links==
 
[http://www.outdoorfireplace.org/ Outdoor Fireplace Guide]
 
 
[[Category:British Inventions]][[Category:Elements]][[Category:Acronyms]][[Category:Inflammatory articles]]
 
   
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[[cs:Oheň]]
 
[[da:Ild]]
 
[[da:Ild]]
 
[[de:Feuer]]
 
[[de:Feuer]]
 
[[es:Fuego]]
 
[[es:Fuego]]
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[[fi:Tuli]]
 
[[fr:Feu]]
 
[[fr:Feu]]
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[[ja:火]]
 
[[pl:Ogień]]
 
[[pl:Ogień]]
 
[[pt:Fogo]]
 
[[pt:Fogo]]
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[[ru:Огонь]]
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[[sk:Ohňo]]
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[[zh:火]]
 
[[zh-tw:火]]
 
[[zh-tw:火]]

Latest revision as of 03:00, May 23, 2013

Flam0987e

Fire

FlammableDogFIRE IN THE HOLE!!!FlammableDog
Warning It appears that some blundering vandal has set this article on fire. You can help your local fire department by manning the hose. Warning
Noflames
But did they listen?
“Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day - set a man on fire and he won't feel cold for the rest of his life.”
~ Oscar Wilde on fire
“Fire is hot.”
~ Captain Obvious on fire
“Fire washes the skin off the bone and the sin off the soul. It cleans away the dirt. And my momma didn't raise herself no dirty boy.”
~ Franko Tildon on fire

Fire is arguably the most important discovery of the 18th millenia BC. Shortly after being invented in Doggerland by Ugg Gumb in around 17500 BC, fire was officially banned under the Paleolithic Copyrights, Designs and Patents Act for being too similar to an idea in a atlatl/tensed animal hide song by one-hit-wonders, The Troglodytes. After an appeal in 16891 BC, the Troglodytes heirs received a cash (well, at least food)settlement, the ban was lifted. Fire was then ordered confined to a small cottage in what is today southeast Europe for study where, after much experimentation, it attained fame as a universal problem solver. It was then released to the general public.

It then spread like wildfire, literally. Fire currently holds the official title of the greatest thing before sliced bread, and is most famous for its popular application in making burgers, which are widely held as one of the greatest foods.


edit A Brief History of Fire

CavemanFIRE
Ugg the mastermind at his peak of ingenuity.

While Ugg the Mastermind perfected fire, he did not create it. In fact, man had nothing to do with the original taming of the wonder substance at all. Numerous theories abound about how fire came to be in the possession of mere mortals, including the wildest hypotheses, ranging from "aliens did it" to "lightning struck a tree" to "flying narwhals"--But the truth is far different. Prometheus, possessor of stupidity foresight, descended from Mount Olympus to give man a gift of the Gods. He stole this Fire from Hades, who is the God of Hell Fire. Man, being still a total n00b in this harsh world, promptly killed himself while misusing fire. Zeus's anger at Prometheus was kindled, and he chained him to a mountain where crows would descend upon him and devour his kidneys for eternity. Or something like that. Eventually, Ugg came to learn of this fire and taught himself how to wield it, becoming a master fire wielder. (He did so because he misplaced his club in his pile of mammoth hides.) His first use of fire was to set his shrewish, nagging wife ablaze. For decades after, the sole use of fire was to whack an annoying spouse. However, Ugg realized its true potential--fire was the universal problem solver, and could be used in any situation. From that day forward, fire took a place in the lives of humans, never to be replaced. Ever.

edit Initial Reaction to Fire


Fireorgy
The Scientifically Correct Fire Formula.

The daily popular science and history magazine Doggerland Chronicles wisely had this to say about this ingenious new invention in their special 17473 B.C. issue, written directly on cave walls all across todays Europe, northwest Asia and northern Africa:

Mages and visionary philosophers marvels at this new invention which popular culture have dubbed "fire" and which was discovered last month after a severe thunderstorm. The revolutionary new invention is truly miracleous and its applications seemingly endless.

No longer will we have to freeze and shiver during the winters, but we can also use it to cook our food and make it both tastier and healthier, as it allows for the destruction of parasites which has ever plagued us since time immemorial. Shamans and wise men marvels over its possible use as a signal by controlling the release of smoke and to dance around at night in order to bring us closer to the spirit world.

Toolsmen and hunters have considered its use as a way of frightening of predators and to ensnare and encircle beasts to be hunted for consumption. Toolsmen and mysticists are still working on new ways to artificially produce a flame which can then allow for serial manufacturing of the new invention to bring it to global use for troglodytes worldwide.

In the issue, Doggerland Chronicles also interviewed two oddly dressed youngsters bearing the seemingly anachronistic names Bill and Ted on what they thought about the new invention:

“Duuuuuuuuuuuuuude, this new invention they call fire is the coolest thing since the quantum computer was invented! It's really going to change everything now! Whoever invented it is going to get himself lots of dineros, fast cars and babes. By the way dude, you don't happen to know which year it is now? It surely doesn't look like the year 2135 AD to me...”


It would not take long before fire could be serially manufactured, and by the early Mesolithic the prizes for flint and amadou had dropped by 80 percent and could now be bought cheaply in your local trading hut for as little as five apples or one mere salmon. When fire was made popular in the 16th millenia B.C., little was known about it except that, it kept you warm, scared away animals, made food taste less of stomach ache but more of burning and that if it got too big and attacked you, you could extinguish it with pee or spit. It was not long before the apparent problems caused by the new invention began to surface, as described by the great shaman, toolsman and philosopher Trogloditus 2000 years later:

“What is happening to our young people? They set fire to their elders, they burn the houses of the parents. They lit the forests and drives the beasts we hunt away with their torches. They ignore the gods. They riot in the caves inflamed with wild notions, setting everything in sight ablaze. Their morals are decaying because of this devilish contrivance they call fire.”


In one caveman community, the two dwellers Jakkú and Bãshka had this to say to Doggerland Chronicles about fire:

Jakkú: “No, me don't like it, oh no, no, none of that thank you, not round 'ere, no thank you very much sir.”
Bãshka: "To be honest it goes above my head, my grandson's very good at it though, such a nice boy. I use it for burning black people you see.”
Jakkú: “Ug”
Bãshka: "Oh yeah, fire, cool man, yeah, I dig it. It's hip, it's happening, it's what all the kids are doing, I was out on this bender right with all my friends, right, who I like hang out with cos' they let me cos' they like me, and yeah so, anyway, I used the fire, to, you know, help dry my tears as I contemplated my crippling loneliness.”
Jakkú: “Ug”
Bãshka: “It's the kids I'm worried about, what if this new fangled fire influences them, you know, stops them doing nice wholehearted things, like having sex with things and then killing them.”
Jakkú: “It's useful for keeping away that annoying guy who keeps saying ug”
Bãshka: "Fire, Fire, FIRE, you come talking to me about fire, what you tryin' to say mutha 'ucka, huh. what you tryin' to say foo', what just cos' fire turns things black, I should be interested, racist.”
Jakkú: “Ug”
Bãshka: “Die, you monosyllabic tosser!”
Song-chart-memes-fire-fun
The Fire Formula

"Ug, ow, crap, I'm on fire, I'm bloody on fire! Somebody help! I'm completely on f....."

The interviewer, stopped here as he realised the ridiculousness of this whole situation. He might have survived, had it only been discovered that fire can be extinguished by water a few centuries earlier than it later happened.

edit Views on Fire in The Modern Age


Holy Shit, that was awesome
If you see this sign, then grab a can of gasoline, pour the gas, light it on fire, then run like hell.

Fire fell briefly out of favour in the Victorian age when steam was discovered to be more useful, became briefly more popular from 1914 to 1945 when it was discovered to be good at killing German people, before being forgotten again in the 60's and 70's whe it was discovered that smoke from some plants could make you feel happy, say "wow' a lot and actually think that Jethro Tull is good. However, thanks to immensely popular people like Mary Whitehouse and Margaret Thatcher, drugs become hated and have now fallen completely out of use. this paved the path for fire's triumphant return to the mainstream. Fire was brought back in 1982 by a frenzied advertising blitz in Europe and the USA with slogans such as "fire, the burning stuff" and "give a damn, light a fire". it was also endorsed by a number of celebrities, and was referred to everywhere in the showbiz scene of that time. This was one of the most popular jokes at the time. Some modern experts also consider fire the most delicious thing ever created. Unfortunately, all these experts have quickly died out of what was obviously a case of excessive enjoyment.

edit Fire--The Universal Problem Solver

Oh noes fire

From the early days of fire when wife-burning was insanely popular, to today where it is still very widely used, fire has expanded its repertoire of uses. In fact, fire can be used for any situation, any time. ANY situation. Say you're being chased by rioting French Eco-Nazis AND radioactive flying weasels AND zombie bananas from the Hindenburg full of Assium AND gay faggot cows from planet OinkLlamaSprinkleWinkleWhee AND giant bouncy fossilized titanium balls AND protesting army solidiers in Iraq threatening to cause Armageddon by the use of stainless steel mine grenades placed in the Great Pyramid and Niagra Falls and the 7 wonders AND fat midget ass-shaped aliens from Uranus. Fire can ease your plight. Hungry? Try fire, you'll find it rather spicy. Looking for a good time? "Come on baby, light my fire." Someone committed heresy? Fire specializes in witch burnings (and teacher burnings).If you want to make anything extreme, add fire. Extreme football? Light the football on fire. Extreme jump-roping? Light the jumprope on fire. Extreme studying? Light the nerds on fire. Got fired? Fire the fuckin bitch back (with all your power, get a big bad-ass superpower flamethrower and TORCH the fuckin bitch!!!). Tsunami? Ha ha, yer screwed. However, these are all secondary uses. The most important function of fire is to kill yourself with.

obviously...

edit So...Pretty...

Purtyflame
Dance, little flame, let your warmth flow over me... let me touch you...

Beautiful fire ... glow ... so pretty ... such beauty ... orange light dances across my face ... warms my soul to the very core ... dancing ... seduction ... her light ... it draws me in ... she flickers innocently ... tempting me ... such beauty ... warmth caresses me ... caresses my face ... her beauty ... would that it be mine ... dare I ... dare I caress her sweet flame ... dare I caress her back ... I want you ... so much ... let me ... let me take you ... oh ... yes ... oh, yes ... you feel ... you feel so ... So ... cooold....?

edit ARGH!!!!

Guyonfire
Why, fire, WHY have you turned against me?!?!?!
“THAT'S HOT!!!”
~ Paris Hilton on fire
“The way I feel, I don't expect to go to sleep for a year. I'm on fucking fire!”
~ Terence McKenna on fire

AAUGH! Hot, hot, hot, AAAAAAAAA! ARRGGH! How can something so right feel so wrong!? Oh, ow, ow, ow, GHAAAAA!!!! Off, off, Get it off, Aaaaaaaarrgggh!!! The pain, oh, AAAAA! It BURNSSS! Get it off! ARRGGHH! GAA! Help, help, the fire! it hurts me! Fire! My skin charring, pain! Oh, pain! Fire! Fire! Oh, pain, hot, HOT, HOT!!!!! AAA!!!!! Please, make it stop! Make the pain stop!!!! AARRGGH! No! No! Stop the burning!!! Stop it! Hurts... please... it BURNS!!! My face, on fire!! Oh, make it STOP! Dying, can't... go... on... gheh.

edit Satan and Fire

Satan and fire used to be very close with each other. Fire and Satan would do everything together, give people AIDS, cause global warming, fire their lasers in enemy territories shouting, "I'm in your base killin' your dudes!," etc. While they had their time together they would usually do the most evil thing ever imaginable... listen to Sting. The relationship lasted long to the eventual point of Satan intending to marry his precious fire. However their relationship had ended when Satan found fire in bed with Steven Colbert.

edit Fire Safety Is Not A Joke Son

Fire is very dangerous, you shouldn't run with matches, you could poke someone's eye out for a start. Fire usually comes in flat pack boxes and has to be assembled. Obviously there is a great amount of risk to doing this and the results of poor fire assembly could be devestating, so it has to be done in a safe environment. Therefore it is a legal requirement for all public buildings and places of work to have safe places to assemble fire. Commonly this will be in the form of a designated 'Fire Assembly Point', somewhere at a safe distance from a building.

edit See Also

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