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The Sauna (pronounced SOW-NAH), or "Really Hot Place Containing Naked People" is a Finnish invention that many nations (i.e. Russia) falsely claim to have invented (See liar). It was first invented in the year 1050 B.C (Before cookies) and continues to be enjoyed today. It is regarded (mostly by Finns) as one of the greatest things on earth (including Chuck Norris). Basically, the sauna is a room, with a stove covered in rocks, onto which you throw water. This creates a mystical gas known as Löyly, or "REALLY-FUCKING-HOT-AIR!!!!!!!!!" in English. To Finns (and anyone who doesn't fall under the label of pussy), the sensation of hot Löyly is very enjoyable. If however, you're a pussy, or an emu, get the F*** outta' my kitchen... errr... Sauna.
How to use a Sauna
- Get nekket!
- Crank that shit up to nearly the temperature of "yo mammas ass".
- Get in and close the door behind you.
- Make sure the stove is hot. I might suggest with your tongue.
- Make some steam happen! (In both ways... wink-wink, nudge-nudge)
- Turn up the heat even MORE.
- Cool off with some good ol' alcohol.
Löyly (steam) can be created using this simple formula: (Bucket is equivalent to B, Ladle or Scoop is equivalent to L, Water is equivalent to W and Stove is equivalent to S)
- 1LW+1S= [result]
"Therefore, Professor, [result] is equivalent to 0.3% of a steam."
Rules of the Sauna
Rules? But of COURSE! To safely (as in not be violently slaughtered by puukko wielding Finns) use a Sauna one must obey these rules to the letter. *These rules have been directly transcribed from an ancient 15th century ice tablet found in Lapland.*
- No klothes in Sauna.
- No farrrr-ting in Sauna
- No Vanking, Yerking off, "konsulting Tocktor. Viggley", "Yerkin' the Gherkin" etc.
- Toor iss not porch-sving; no open and close tuu often.
- Only vater on schtove, I hates kleaning Te rocks.
- Eef yuu trow de schteem, schtay on te top pench; no leaving till' is gone.
- Eef yuu gets hot, ko yump in te layke.
- No pitching apout de heat.
- No secks in Sauna; is hot enough as is.
- Eef yuu kan't schtand de heat, don't seet in de hottest schpot (klosest tuu schtove).
- Aside from back wasching, no totching odders in Sauna.
- No arguing in Sauna, is place for relax; not pitching.
- No klothes.
- Eef yuu have wussy foreigners in Sauna, try noht tuu chase dem out wit tuu much schteem.
- No klothes.
- No trugs in Sauna, ruins de whole point. Sauna is BETTER dan trugs. Tis inkludes kitten-huffing
- No fackeeng klothes in Sauna.
- Trink lotsa' likvids, or yuu kets tuu dehytrated.
- No Sauna unter 80 dekrees Celcius; lower is tuu kold.
- Ven yuu are ton, ko yump in layke.
- No luuking at odder guys' dickses yuu homo, yuu kann luuk at wuumens breasts ant wuumen kann luuk at yuu, BATT NOH TOTCHING!
As long as you adhere to these rules, you'll be ok in the Sauna. But god help you if you mess up.
Reasons to use a Sauna
- It feels good.
- Biting winter in the ass.
- Excuse to be naked.
- Excuse to see OTHERS naked. (Disregard if your current Sauna is a sausage-fest)
- It's fun... dumbass.
- Potential way to assert your manliness in a steam contest.
- Good for getting clean.
- Good for killing a headcold.
- Good for killing a chest-cold.
- Good for killing THE cold.
- Good place to get out of the cold.
- Good for clearing your blocked sinuses.
- Good for getting rid of that damn acne.
- Good for meditation.
- Good for getting spiritual.
- Hot tubs are for wusses.
- You get to huff various substances legally if you mix them in that water...
- Gets everyone used to the nice weather when our sun gets bigger and the wusses can't stand the heat. We will survive.
- Proves that the hottest place in the world is in Finland, not in Africa. 140 degrees is a kold day.
- A way to test your resistance to high heat.
- A way to prove your buddy's a wuss.
- A way to challenge your boss without getting fired.
- Cleans your pores.
- Did I mention everyone is nekket?
- Reason number 12 was used as fire wood.
People who should NOT use the Sauna
- Sexual deviants (You know who you are... Mr. Rogers).
- Sexual perverts. Sauna is the second holiest place after church for Finns.
- Little Jimmy's Mom (For she is fat, ugly, and rapes little children)
- Absurdly ugly people. Ve are nekket in the sauna, yuno.
- Absurdly obese people. (Sorry, but the benches are made of WOOD, not forged steel).
- People with bad reeeally bad asthma (The air can get kinda thin, like your lungs).
- People with bad gas (See rule number 2 in the Sauna rules list).
- Chuck Norris (He doesn't sweat, it'd be pointless, creepy and intimidating).
- Your mom... unless she's single ;)
- Swedish people.
- Sarah Palin. (WTF DUDE! Why not? Retarded or not, Palin is a MILF!)
- Bill Clinton (See number one above)
- Justin Bieber. Or, you know, almost any top 40 musician. Ke$ha, Lady Gaga, B.o.B, that wookie Kroeger from Nickelback...
- Illegal immigrants from Sweden, Russia, Bavaria, Santas workshop or Mexico. You damn Mexicans better get outta' ma Sauna.
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