Finger
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Who are you going to trust: this uncyclopedia article, or your lying eyes?
“F***.”
~ Fingers on Jack Bauer
Fingers are the most common form of tubeworms, and can be found in almost any place normal humans are found. Most fingers are found on hands [citation needed], though some are found in other areas. There are many types of fingers, and many uses for fingers. However, 99% of the time, fingers are used for typing on the internet.
Contents |
[edit] Fingers; an introduction
Chances are, you're sitting at home in front of your monitor, eating out of a bag of sour cream and onion potato chips and drinking Fanta from a 2-liter bottle. If you can tear yourself away from the chip for a moment, please look at your hand. See those five fleshy long things?
Those are fingers. Try moving them. Amazing, ain't it? Fingers are what we humans developed to become superior to all of those species that didn't develop them. Stupid animals. Anyhoo, fingers are made up of several layers. the first layer is the bone, then comes tissue. There are some blood vessels in there, then some fat cells, maybe a few hair follicles, and then a layer of skin.
[edit] Uses of fingers
EATING SLICES OF FRUIT
POKING OLD PEOPLE!!! HAHAHA THATS FUNNY!!
Nowadays the only real purpose of fingers' existence is to type on a keyboard in order to send stuff down the internet. Most scientists agree that ever since the internet was created, fingers have replaced brain (in special cases such as George W. Bush, heart), as the most important human body part. Some scientists credit fingers as the most essential factor that stimulated the advancement of human race, which becomes far ahead of other animals. It should be noted that, despite their fingers, monkeys have not shared the same advancement because their only use of fingers is to peel bananas.
On a side note, upon learning that fingers have become the most important body parts, the ever merciful Taliban and al-Qaeda declared to public that they will not hurt any hostage's finger, and switched to cut your head off instead. This is part of their large campaign to remove the public misconception of them being terrorists.
In the old days, fingers were also used in other tasks, such as holding, squeezing, pointing, massaging, cutting, push-up, masturbating, and launching missiles. These applications have become extremely rare today that they can only be found in historic documentaries.
[edit] Types of fingers
There is more than just one type of finger, and if you look at your hand you can see that each finger on it is slightly different.
[edit] Index Finger
Also known as the left-clicker, the index finger is the finger that is most commonly used to press the left button on a computer mouse. It is extremely dextrous and agile. In particular, Koreans can easily left-click the mouse over 700 times a second. The faster a Korean can click, the more respect he gains. It is also often used as a demonstrative instrument. Bear with me for a moment. Hold out your hand. Now slowly, curl each of your fingers EXCEPT your index finger. Continue holding this position. Find a family member (or pet or whatever) and brandish this signal at them. Feel free to shake your hand a bit while you're at it, like you have Parkinson's disease. Their reaction will be quite worth the effort.
[edit] Ring Finger
The ring finger is the only British finger on your hand, which means it always follow its biggest ally, the most powerful finger, the one finger, the little finger. The ring you often see encircling the ring finger is a fancy leash made by the little finger to drag it around. After years and years of dragging, the ring finger has already lost its own sense, sadly.
[edit] Little Finger
Although the little finger is the slowest finger on most hands, it is also the most powerful finger because no human can type in CAPITAL LETTERS without it. can you imagine typing a sentence without ever touching the shift or caps lock key/ No? Look at the the fifth-last sentence of this paragraph. There you go. Horrible isn't it?
[edit] Thumb
The emo of all fingers. Despite big size and tough appearance, he considers himself worthless to be on a hand and isolates himself from other fingers. If you put your thumb in your ear, you may hear him whispers to himself about how depressing life is and how no finger loves him (whether you can understand finger language is another story). Well, the thumb has a good reason to be depressed -- he is so fat that the space bar is the only thing he can step on without pressing 5 other buttons nearby.
[edit] The "Finger"
The biggest, baddest, longest lover on your hand. The "Finger" is capable of flipping someone off, which is generally recognized as a sign of extreme disrespect.
Originally, the "Finger" was a sign of friendly welcome invented by Africans in 1700 BC. When White people first visited Africa, they were warmly greeted by the "Finger". Believing that the Africans hate them as much as they hated them, the White people assumed the "Finger" was an attempt to rape them. The misconception continued to this day, with its real meaning lost because nobody cares about Africa.
In the Christian world, the "Finger" was believed to be a gift.This gift was meant only to show that they wanted to Shag the person they were pointing at.Anyway Jesus gave them it to show their love, but when one white guy pointed it to a european guy, there was an misunderstanding and that is what caused Hitler to take action.
[edit] Chicken Fingers
The only known fingers not found on human hands. These fingers were remains of the ancient chickens with hands that are long extinct. These chickens are the results of pathetic attempts to imitate humans to type on the internet. Unfortunately, because chickens were not able to read English letters, they eventually fail and stop growing hands. The remaining chicken fingers are now very rare and easily cost 15 times more than a luxurious house in Zimbabwe.
