Final Fantasy X-2
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|Final Fantasy X-2|
"The ambiguously marketing wHORE!" Final Fantasy X-2 theme song
|Platform(s)||Sony GayStation 2|
|Rating||T But really M because of Over Boobienss and sudden Cutscenes have complete nudity...|
|Would Malcolm X play it?|
“I played this game sober, and I didn't understand or like it at all. Then I got drunk, and played it again. It all made perfect sense then.”
“Finally, the game for me.”
“IT'S CHARLIE'S FUCKING ANGELS ON SMACK!!!”
“God Yuna has a nice bottom.”
“I literally, physically headdesked when I realized several dress-spheres in FFX-2 involve wearing thongs outside of your pants.”
Final Fantasy X-2 (Charlie's Tomb Raiders in Europe) is the long-awaited
money-grab sequel to Square- Penisenix's ever-popular video game, Kingdom Hearts. The name comes from the Japanese title Fainaru Fantajii X-2 or, roughly translated, "That which requires smoking crack to enjoy."
The opening theme goes like this: 'Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo dah doo doo.' You also are treated to many cutscenes where, instead of Yuna's usual 'Uh...uh...eh?', she decides to sing the theme song in a 'La la la la la la, I need the loo la la la fashion'.
edit Battle System
The game is most noted for its Ultra-Active Reality Battle system (UARBS), which exhibits stunning realism. For example, you have the ability to attack an enemy who is in the process of attacking you, and will then die by slumping over and disappearing into thin air. The battle system also includes "Dresspheres" which seems like a pretty cool concept at first, until you realize you were completely stoned when you said that. Dressspheres allow you to change your weapon, and even costume in the middle of battle. This proves effective against such enemies as the Snorlax, where you can use your Ronald Reagan dresssphere and have a sleeping contest with it. However, the Ronald Reagan dresssphere is ineffective against such enemies as John Hincockley.
Many have spent their lives seeking the nudey dresssphere, but to no avail. It is believed that the weapon you receive in this set of duds deals out 999 999 999 orgasms a miss and is shapped like a big long hard...sword.
edit Fashion Show
Dude, the main part of this game is the fashion show. It's incredibly AWESOME (read: lame) and makes this game the absolute worst 50 bucks I've ever spent. How can you say that was the worst 50 bucks you'd ever spent. I became emotionaly attached to this game. When it cried I cried. Playing this game taught me how fashionable a person can make themself. I would probably look pretty sexy in a moogle suit.(I have one in my closet!) But in all seriousness what ever happened to the time when someone could play a video game, and not have to worry about women's rights activists. When the lead characters of the game are women in skimpy outfits, you start to have fantasies (hence the title). The pervertedness is the best part of the game. Aside from perverted men, this also enticed lesbians to play this game all their lives, also hence the title. Fashions shows rule!
A very clever way of Final Fantasy X-2 enticing more players, (specifically middle-aged men and teenage boys) was to introduce Dresspheres. Dresspheres a clever way to pick your favourite costume (most of a slutty variety) and place it on the female sluts *cough* characters, sorry. These dresspheres usually have magical abilities, such as infecting the enemy with AIDS from dirty needles, or turning the game from a 12+ to an 18+. A particular favourite of the people is to have Yuna and Rikku (censored) while Paine films it. The tape (or DVD in the American version of the game) is sent to the enemy. A side effect is that you earn no reward from defeating the enemy, as Yuna and Rikku take 50% each.
- Revealing: Also known as the 'Copycat' dress sphere, basically, everyone takes a leaf out of Rikku's book.
- Warrior: The least slutty of the dresspheres, but somehow still slutty, it's a wonder how those guys at Square Enix were able to take an ass-kicking Samurai or Paladin and turn it into one of their lewd fantasy fetish-puppets. Skills include kicking the crap out of any bastard who looks up their chain mail with a five-foot sword.
- Black Mage: Sticking to the general rule that Halloween is a chance to let girls dress like whores (what with their "I'm a witch!" "But you look like a stripper", "No, but I'm a witch!") the Black Mage dressphere utilizes the magic of extremely short skirts to lure male foes to a dirty STD-enraged hole of fire and brimstone.
- Gunner: By far the most dangerous dressphere, I mean who would give a gun to some random whore? You wouldn't want Paris Hilton walking around with an AK-47 strapped to her back (or would you?). Skills, or lack of, include: "Misfire", "Backfire", "Perspire", "Sorry-Didn't-Know-It-was-Loaded" "Like Where's The Other Half of My Skirt?" and "How Do You Aim This Thing?"
- White Mage: Completely white costume designed to show through when wet, the White Mage Dressphere is a popular choice when fighting at sea. Seeing as the White Mage has incredibly low defense and is constantly needing healing, it is quite a paradox, as you only need healing magic on White Mages themselves.
- Thief: The most useful dressphere in the whole game since it is designed for running away, throwing hard-earned money at enemies, and stealing countless items in bulk so as to horde them to be of no further use.
- Songstress: What the hell is a "Songstress"? Those Japanese are out of their minds; it's called a "Bard". Anyways, this dressphere specializes in over 43 different dance styles, all of them unique except that they all look the same, play to the same music, and have the same effect, which is distracting the enemy with saucy, enticing moves and trying to blind them with a 4000-watt light bulb or trying to burst the enemy's eardrums (not to mention the party's) with her voice until the Warrior can kick some ass.
- Samurai: A dressphere that does absolutely nothing. Nothing... It tries to cause damage with an over-sized sword but is nowhere near the skill of the Warrior or Black Knight. Then when it tries to do magic, all it can congure is a couple of measely fireworks, which again, serve only to distract the enemy until the Warrior can kick some ass. Other skills include: "Passiveness", "Nothing", "Dead Weight", "Super-Kawaii-Engrish-All-Your-Bases-Belong-To-Us-A-Go-Go-Samarai", and "Nothing."
- Black Knight: Like a Warrior on steroids converted to Satanism, the Black Knight fights by summoning the forces of Darkness (with a capital "D") to rain bloody hell on them bitches! Sometimes the Black Knight will even cut herself to cause 50 points of damage, or kill her teammates to inflict Poison on an enemy, making her the most versatile and self-threatening Dressphere in the game.
- Trainer: A secret dressphere specialized in having sex with wild animals. Skills include: "Spank the Monkey", "Feline-Fellatio", and "Grizzlies Gone Wilder".
- Lady Fuck: Infinitely the most slutty dressphere of any game, this Las Vegas black jack dealer costume covers less than 8 square inches of the wearer's body(See above picture.) and causes instant explosion of all male genitalia within a three-mile radius. Also has the ability to play a crappy wannabe slot-game that damages all party members half to death when misused, and to 25% alive when used.
- Gun Mage: Like a Gunner high on Mana or Magick, or whatever you Runescaping Final Fantasy junkies say. The Gun Mage is supposed to be able to specialized in killing different enemies like a trained assassin, but instead is only able to use Scan, revealing the most intimate secrets of foes. Did you know that Lord Ochu has a crush on Queen Coeurl, but he and Jumbo Flan broke up?
- Alchemist: A dressphere that forces the wearer to watch way too much Food Network, therefore making them want to mix and combine items in an attempt to produce something useful. Never works out though, as the end result is always some grouchy-ass homunculus that won't shut up about how you need to get off the couch and stop watching the Food Network. If not that, then it's a useless pile of Philosopher's Stones or some of that Panacea shit.
- Berserker: Somehow still a slutty costume despite the fact that it's supposed to portray a wild animal, but I guess some people like that sort of thing. Anyways, the Berserker's main skill is casting Berserk on itself, which is stupid because you usually try to avoid Berserk, but I guess some people like that, too. Other skills include: "Cat-scratch Fever", "Wear-Slut attack!", "Disco Fever", and "Jungle Fever."
- Mascot: A super-duper-impossibly-secret Dressphere only obtainable by beating the game with out any crack, a task that has only been accomplished by three people in the history of gaming, Ultra Jesus, AAA and a guy named Greg. Can do everything the other Dresspheres can, and better, at that. The only drawback is that it is by far the stupidest-looking costume EVER. And it gets really hot in there.
- Transvestite: Goth moth - ugly man with big, fat, tits, I thought it was a dude.
- Sephiroth: Turns the wearer into an ambiguosly crazy, silver-haired antagonist. Special attacks include: "Go Berserk", "Kill Aerith", "Attack A Random Person", "Kill Aerith", "Play One-Winged Angel Theme", "Kill Aerith", "Go On A Rampage", "Kill Aerith". Final attacks include: "Assassinate Aerith", "Destroy Aerith", "Kill Aerith" and "Annihilate Aerith". Did I mention he can kill Aerith?
- Kuja: Turns the wearer into an outrageously camp, transvestite, silver-haired antagonist. Exactly the same as Sephiroth, except without the kick-ass sword and forces your character to wear a bikini. It should be noted that the Aerith-maiming ability is fully retained in this form.
- Skank Sphere: Turns the major characters into strippers, and unlocks FFX-2 Hentai. The ultimate dressphere.
- Prostitute: This secret dressphere can only be obtained when you get the secret item "True Calling". Every time you battle enemies slutty music happens. After the music stops many hours later you get $60-70 depending on how long the music played.
- Yaoi: This dressphere was created the GAYmers that bought it because they thought the women were Fab-You-LUSS. The women actually switch out of battle with there male counterparts (Handicapped Nooj, Retarded Name Gippal, and Baralai). The abilities are "Coming Out Of The Closet", "Oops, Never Meant To Touch You There", "Surprise Buttsecks", "Damn, I'm Gay And Going To Hell". They actually kill there opponents by blinding them with a bright rainbow flag drowning them in spooge that they made while in a gay threeway.
Each character also has a Special dressphere designed only for them. But just like Aeons in the first game, the player usually forgets about them until the last battle.
edit Special Dresspheres
There is only one good thing about these, that they are extremely über. Against any normal monster these extremely big things works like crack, great. Too great to be honest, the poor things don't stand a chance. Every single battle you will get the urge to use the sphere again and again and again until all battles in the games are spoiled.
- Machina Maw - Rikku's large dildo. With legs. This machine has the ability to vibrate so intensely that the fiends die because of the erotic thought of having that thing up their asses. Other abilities like Scud-missile And Vibrator Playmate also come in handy. The rumor that she stole Terra's retarded Magitek Armor from FFVI and pimped it out has been proven true, but nobody cares because Rikku is sexy, and Terra is a fat cunt.
- Flower Power - A Special Dress sphere, which Yuna becomes a Flower. In this Dress Sphere, Yuna have special ability to find food, like Tough Nuts, and White Honey.
- Stab-o-tron - Paine's dressphere in which she puts on a giant mecha suit made entirely out of swords with MANY semen stains, which has swords floating around it and sword wings, with sword legs. This proves that Paine is the only emo chick that wants to cut yourself.
Another returning feature to this game is Blitzball, except now you have the unique pleasure of training your players. Prepare for waves of tedium, as you press X and O thousands of times to raise your character's ATK one point. You'll notice a significant improvement of your player's physical state, while you will eventually suffer from crippling arthritis.
edit Voices Actors
Yuna: Britney Spears
Rikku: Avril Lavigne
Barkeep: Sean Connery
LeBlanc/Naruto: Micheal Jackson
Bebop: spike speigal
Sephiroth/Kuja: Adam West
Guest Starring as the Esquilax: John Kerry
Shinra/Buddy/Cid/Brother/Wakka/Squall/Seifer/Sora/Stewie/Brian/Officer 2/Man In Train 5/Benjamin Button/The Muffin Man/Imaginary Pink Elephants: Oscar Wilde
Benzo: James Earl Jones
Slutty Whore:: Gene Simmons
Tidus/Shuyin: Al Pacino
- Paine is actually Squall Leonhart but with a new hairdo and a sex change.
- The game was made to make up for X's lack of porn.
- Yuna is a closet Tomb Raider fan. Granted, it's pretty obvious, but back when the game was released, this twist was huge.
- Gippal is Liquid Snake with an eye patch. He tried to imitate his daddy by trying to take over Squeenix (rather than the world) but everyone recognized him due to his annoying British accent and bleached blond hair. Old Snake pulled that off in a much better way, and Old Snake is old. He ran away soon after Rikku discovered he was gay. After that Rikku and Crimson X meet and find true love in lots and lots(x23) of sex. YES!
- Rikku and Riku are not related. I know, amazing isn't it?
- After giving birth to her child, Lulu tried to rekindle her acting career by taking the role of Konan in the revolutionary TV series wonder that is known as Naruto. Mysteriously, even after the anticipation of the fans to see one of their most favorite actresses back on the set, Lulu had far less screen time and role importance than the entire female Naruto cast combined. She barley had any lines. She just... stood there
and took care of the villian's (Spolier: General Grevious) diapers. It just proves that the show was ahead of its time. This still pushed Lulu to early retirement, since she believed that if a highly regarded show didn't give her the proper respect, then humanity has truly sunk low.
- To this day, Lulu is still amazed at how even Yuffie had more screen time than her.
- This video game needed more belts. That's why it sucks.
edit See also
- Magical Girl
- Final Fantasy VII
- Final Fantasy VIII
- Final Fantasy IX
- Final Fantasy X
- Final Fantasy XII
SQUALL IS LAGUNA'S SON