Final Fantasy X
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
SIN IS JECHT, AURON WAS DEAD ALL ALONG, AND TIDUS DOESN'T EXIST
may follow. Read on at your own discretion.
| Final Fantasy X | |
|---|---|
| |
| Developer | Square-Enix |
| Release Date | 2001 |
| Genre | RPG |
| Platforms | Playstation 2 |
| Rating | Low on Porn |
| Would Michael Jordan play it? | |
“This game just makes me want to go AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Final Fantasy X
“He stole my haircut!”
~ Ellen Degeneres on Tidus stealing her haircut
“Tidus is a lie”
~ The portal cake on Tidus not being real
“Wait a minute, I thought I was supposed to kill Sin?”
~ Jesus on the theological implications of video games
“Tidus' voice is as high as our Ashleys, I say, as high as our Ashleys.”
~ Fred Elliott on Tidus' voice
“The wind... it's nice. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
~ Yuna on the subject of wind
“I've had it with these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' Farplane!”
“I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for those meddlin' kids!”
~ Seymour on Yuna + Party
“Seymour, huh? Well, you can see more of these balls! (grabs crotch)”
~ Tidus on mocking Seymour
Final Fantasy X (Japanese: ファイナルファンタジーX; Fainaru Fantajī Ex) is the tenth but ironically least pornographic of the Final Fantasy series of RPG games indigenous to the Untendo. It is produced by SquareEunuchs|, the only Japanese company that does not produce (and has no interest in) schoolgirl-tentacle-date-rape games.
Contents |
[edit] Story
The main protagonist is an unnamed Blitzball star who fans sometimes refer to as "Tidus", "that guy", or "Tight-Ass" from a magical futuristic city called Zanarkand. He is transported to a new world by a creature named Sin, who is actually his dad in the form of a giant fuckin' whale (Spoiler Warning). Also, nobody says his name because it reminds Tidus of his sexually abusive father. If he hears anyone saying "Tidus" he will kill them on the spot. Soon he meets a lady Summoner, named Yuna, and goes on a journey to protect her along with a number of other guardians despite the fact he spends most of the time ogling her. Along the way they always seem to get betrayed and/or raped by monsters and somehow a person retarded as Tidus is left to defend her?
[edit] Setting
Tidus and his companions wander around a world called Spira which gives no indications of the passage of time and is mainly inhabited by townspeople who stand in the same spot and endlessly repeat the same two inane pieces of expository dialogue. Spira is also full of monsters, which come in many different varieties:
- Wasps
- Yellow wasps that make you cum yourself wen u get stung
- Faster red wasps which make you go berserk when they sting you
- Even faster blue wasps which cause two status problems when they sting you, making you waste all your time healing your party while the wasp keeps stinging you and causing more status problems
- Genetical manipulated super-ultra-mega-tera-giga-wasps, which give you superpowers but make the entire universe implode when they sting you
- Flans of various types, including the fire flan, asparagus flan and sweet potato flan
- Other dangerous desserts, including the chocolate Behemoth, Tonberry pie, bananas foster and Malboro a la mode
- Yevonites
- William "Seymour" Shatner, Family man and winner of the Spiran Award for Not Dying Despite Being Killed Numerous Times
- Dogs with astonishingly large two headed penis'
- That other evil guy with the silver hair. You know that one? It may very well have been Kuja
- Angry Elementals
- The people that were hoping there would be AT LEAST 1 porn scene in it
- Afro Samueli with his 1 hit KO dick
- Pissed off sex raters
- Penance, the commonly believed toughest boss of all time, taking hours to defeat normally, or 2.5 seconds with Yojimbo's Zanmato attack
[edit] Companions and Gameplay
The protagonist is aided, albeit grudgingly, on his adventure by a number of companions. This help comes in many forms which include falling unconscious after being stung by a wasp, jumping up really high and falling on monsters with a spear for 18-36 hit-points of damage, summoning monsters in a flashy laser-show which took cadres of Japanese animators 6 months to animate, takes 15 minutes to watch, and makes your console crash at the end of it.
The protagonist has a mildly grating catchphrase and little short term memory, causing plot points and foreshadowing to be repeated several times. His main weapon for much of the game is a bubbling fish hook which can be used for skewering enemies in and out of water. He has the power to hold his breath for a long time, even while unconscious, and can defy physics. Like Rikku, his physical features take on a distinctly more Asian look when subject to an FMV.
Some of his companions include:
- Auron -- A guy with an enormous collapsible sword. Although Auron is by far the oldest of your party, he is extremely pretty, and dreams of being a pimp. He can actually fight very well for a dead man (Spoiler Warning). Auron is possibly blind in one eye, and only uses his left arm for fighting. At other times his arm is safely tucked away in his sleeve where none can see it, leading to speculation as to just what he is doing while leaning silently against walls.
- Rikku -- An overly cheerful Al Bhed girl. She is popular in numerous doujinshi and slash fiction. Rikku's secret to success lies in a super-powered machina that was created by the Al Bhed. It allows her to mix any two items in a short space of time. It simultaneously gives her knowledge as to whether she should use it on her enemies or allies. She well fancies Auron.
- Wakka -- Named after the sound effect of Pac-Man. A guy who wears dungarees and offers comic relief. His main weapons are his accent and his Jimmy Neutron-esque haircut, which combine together to annoy most minor enemies to the point where they'd rather just leave your party alone. Famed for being the only white Jamaican in existance.
Wakka, the most intelligent party member, even whilst sporting a There's Something About Mary haircut.
- Yuna -- A girl who suffered trauma to her vocal chords at an early age due to a mistimed Jecht Shot, rendering her unable to smile properly or speak above a whisper. Yuna is unique in being the only Final Fantasy character to wear a bra other than Kefka from FFVI. She is the first girl to do so however. She has a tendency to laugh for ten minutes whenever somebody mentions the wind. Yuna has also been tripping on acid since she left the womb.
- Lulu -- A woman with gravity defying clothes. Unable to express emotion through vocal intonation and facial expressions, Lulu instead expresses herself through moogle doll-based ventriloquism and by making her supple breasts jiggle at various frequencies. She wears a skirt made out of a lot of belts, presumably to make the young Japanese user think of bondage and therefore not mind too much that it takes half an hour for most of the cinematics to get out of the way. She uses her magical power to annihilate enemies by exploiting elemental weaknesses and to keep her top from falling down. Lulu has been on various antidepressants for the last decade since her blitzball boyfriend (Wakka's brother) died.
- Kimahri -- A large cuddly Ronso with a broken horn. He is the all-rounder character and is thus terrible in any character class. Kimahri is at first unable to speak at all, but eventually he overcomes this debilitating disease and learns to speak caveman. Don't be fooled by his primitive manner of speech, though, Kimahri is actually almost as intelligent as Tidus, Rikku, Wakka, and even certain species of trees.
- Seymour -- He is playable in one battle, after which he becomes the most annoying enemy ever. In addition, he is the president of the Yuna fan club. After learning of Yuna's sudden indescribable love for the protagonist, he vows to destroy him using the power of Anima, the dark aeon. Besides Yuna, his only love is his hair, on which he spends four hours and several thousand gil's worth of hair gel each morning. So much that he never clips his nails.
- Henry -- Merges with Tidus' DNA and overwrites him, in the finale it is revealed that Henry is actually a virus started by Pyramid Head and he is planning world domination.
- Shuyin -- The real Tidus. Kind of an asshole.
- Sephiroth -- FFVII's villain who is now became a good guy and allied with Tidus and the gang. Like the other people who are following Yuna, he is responsible for protecting her as well.
[edit] Minigames
Even magical imaginary heroes need a break from killing wasps and flans every now and then. Luckily, Final Fantasy X's minigames pack almost as much depth as the main quest. Some of the exciting minigames you may encounter include:
- Blitzball: This game combines the action-packed action of an underwater version of netball with the intense cerebral tour de force of a pre-algebra mathematics exam.. In the world of Spira, sports aren't about reflexes, athletic ability, or hand-eye coordination. Rather, sports are about figuring out whose numbers are higher, and then hiring those players. Pope Benedict XVI is an exceptional Blitzball player. Steven Hawking is also well known for his blitzball prowess. Requires the rare, yet apparently common, ability to not drown despite being underwater for 30 minutes. Get out your TI-83 and prepare for some awesome sports action!
- Dodging Lightning Bolts: Pressing the X button over and over in Final Fantasy X's battles can get tiring after a while. Luckily, Squaresoft provided players with a minigame where you get to push the square button over and over at exactly the right time. One miss and you suffer a humiliating 0.3 volt zap. Luckily, lightning doesn't kill you, but it does make you sit through an annoying pause to allow you to reflect upon your failure. Lulu's ultimate weapon can only be obtained by dodging 200 lightning bolts in a row, so get ready for hours of excitement in this minigame. Can you become the ultimate lightning dodger?
- Chocobo Racing: FFVII featured a cute but humorously outdated chocobo racing minigame, where you could capture and breed your own chocobos and then race your way to the top. FFX takes chocobo racing to the next level. Squaresoft finally did away with unnecessary and detracting elements like chocobo breeding, capturing chocobos in the wild, raising and feeding, race tracks, turning, and actual human opponents. What's left is nothing but pure, extreme chocobo racing action. Your only opponents are the seagulls and blitzballs that constantly attack you from every angle. But wait we're not done yet! You can then race another chocobo rider who is the supmeme commander of seagulls who she use to make your chocobo shit itself with joy for about 3 seconds. Can you beat Spira's all-time speed record to earn Tidus' best weapon? (By the way it's a mile in 0,000001 seconds.)
- Capturing Butterflies: These ain't your daddy's butterflies! In the world of Spira, butterflies hover in one place for 14 seconds before vanishing into thin air. What's more, merely touching one of the evil red butterflies will make them all disappear! Get set for hours upon hours of trying over and over to find the one correct path through the forest!
[edit] Memorable Quotes
“Tidus. I am your father.... Search your feelings, you know it to be true.”
~ Sin
“I don'sh have lishp. Mishishippy. Damn”
~ Hypello
“Huh?”
~ Tidus
“Strike me down now and I'll come back more powerful than you could possibly imagine. Twice.”
~ Auron
“I started feeling dizzy, then light-headed...”
~ Tidus on the pot
“...”
~ Kimahri on the political program of the Liberals regarding health, world hunger, Metal Gear and foreign policies
“Huh?”
~ Tidus
“Uh... uh... eh?”
~ Yuna, said often during cut scenes
“Huh?”
~ Tidus
“Huh, yah?”
~ Wakka
“Reggae Reggae Sauce, ya?”
~ Wakka
“I got more screen time on Cloverfield.”
~ Sin
[edit] See also
- Magical Girl
- Final Fantasy VII
- Final Fantasy VIII
- Final Fantasy IX
- Final Fantasy X-2
- Final Fantasy XII
- Ashe
- Schoolgirls
- Bruce Willis
| ファイナルファンタジー |
|---|
 ZEMUS CONTROLLED GOLBEZ ALL ALONG ファイナルファンタジー -
ファイナルファンタジーⅡ -
ファイナルファンタジーⅢ |
| 関連の廃物 |
