Final Fantasy VII
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SEPHIROTH KILLS AERIS AND THERE IS NO WAY TO BRING HER BACK (WITHOUT A GAMESHARK). SHIT DAMN!!!
may follow. Read on at your own discretion.==Important note==
This game is considered as the Bible for Emos and fanboys alike. They took a good game and made it quite, quite gay.
“That's not true, I swear my cousin has a friend whose older brother played the game for 720 hours and some dude named Gilgalgolfoogish came and gave him a potion called the Ultra-Aerith-Phoenix Down and he totally used it to bring Aerith back to life. The game even has new dialogue for her and everything! I'm not lying!”
~ Your annoying roommate on The death of Aerith
“What's wrong with my hair, may I ask?”
~ Yugi Mutou on Cloud Strife on his hair
“I have a feeling this is about pointless side-quests and random battles.”
~ Cloud Strife on Final Fantasy VII
“I can't help but think that I might not be around for much longer.”
~ Aeris on Final Fantasy VII
“This guy are sick!”
~ Aeris on Engrish
“I'll give you information the Shinra.”
~ Cait Sith on More Engrish
“I wonder if my ass looks big with this gun.”
~ Barret on Sexual Fantasy VII
“Apparently, I'm their bishie.”
~ Sephiroth on fangirls
“I pity the fool who didn't know I was in this game.”
~ Mr. T on Barret
“In Soviet Russia, Aeris kills Sephiroth!”
~ Russian reversal on Final Fantasy VII spoilers
“My boobs are too large and pixelated for me to comment on this matter.”
~ Tifa on Final Fantasy VII
“My breasts were too large for this game so they put you in.”
~ Mai Valentine on Tifa's comment
“Damn it!, do I count as Final Fantasy or Disney?!”
~ Sora on Final Fantasy VII
“I wouldn't like to follow that act!”
~ Final Fantasy VIII on Final Fantasy VII
“Awwww FUCK! Not again!!”
~ Cloud on Sephiroth's Many Forms
“In Soviet Russia, Meteor stops YOU!!”
~ Russian Reversal on Final Fantasy VII
“%@#$, @&*$”
~ Barret on Everything!
Aeris dies in what was slated to be the final game in the Fantasy VII series, however its popularity has since been cashed in on, spawning several sequels. It is notable for being one of the longest games ever made, yes, even Tetris. The object of this game is to power-level Aeris, the Aquatic Goddess of Starcraft, as much as you can before Oedipus Rex kills her. Also, you cannot go to Wutai after disc 2.
Contents |
[edit] Making the Game
The game was made by Roundhard Corporation. The idea was that the game would tackle numerous political and social issues of the day, and to achieve this end, the credits boast a crack team of sociologists and political philosophers that included John Locke (floor programming), Jean-Jacques Rousseau (grass and dandelion design), Thomas Malthus (manager of the letter 'B'), John Stuart Mills (Actor: Delivery Boy #27), and Bono (lead programmer, designer, project manager, dictator-for-life, grand poobah, Sephiroth's mother, and Klinny Danton's representative on Earth.)
However, the team tended to waste time on holding debates, writing essays, and discussing the absurdity of the cosmos, so Roundhard decided to end their nine-to-five working days, and replace them with a 'grand, year-long office tournament.' Locked and sealed inside an open-plan office for an entire year, each given a deadly weapon, such as a metal bottle cap or an Xbox on a rope, the team were ordered to 'fight out' a finished game. Shi Di Pureya, CEO of Roundhard, personally locked the door in a dramatic keycard-swiping ceremony. With a flourish, the card was swiped, the door was locked, and the screams (or, in one case, the chorus of 'It's a Beautiful Day') began.
The door was re-opened one year later in a shabby re-opening ceremony, attended only by Shi Di Pureya and Bugi Nitesu, a paper-shredder repair boy. What would they find inside? The card was swiped, the door was opened, and a resounding cry of 'For the Greater Good!' was heard within. Shi Di and Bugi entered cautiously. Inside, they found that the entire team was still alive, and further more, had created the perfect society. Despite the fact that their only source of nutrition was a coffee machine, which only contained one weeks supply of coffee, and an intern's boxer-shorts, the team had gained sustenance with a revolutionary system of 'imaginary agriculture'. They had also, with only the materials available in a standard open-plan office, created teleportation devices, an unlimited supply of power, great sculptures, paintings, and works of literature, a complete philosophy of everything, and all lived in perfect harmony (except for the intern, who had been beaten daily for forgetting the Scrabble board).
How had they achieved this? Had Jean-Jacques created a universally acceptable social contract? Had Millsie created an equation to calculate moral happiness? The team explained that, in fact, they had managed all this because Bono had 'treated them mean and kept them keen.'
But what Shi Di wanted to know was 'Have you finished Final Fantasy Seven yet?' The answer, coming from Bono, was 'No.' (Although the actual, original translation of Bono's Irish brogue was 'Fuck no, you fucking fuck motherfucker starving children fuck!') Actually, Bono's answer was not even that simple, since he now considered himself a God, and only communicated through the Bible Code. But we won't go into that now. There are rules about that sort of thing, you know.
Anyway, Shi Di was a tad miffed that his revolutionary approach to employee motivation had completely failed, and so he massacred the team with a chainsaw. Their disembodied ghosts entered Bugi's body, giving the lad amazing sociology powers.
With these, Bugi managed to create the entire game by himself. He didn't even ask for a reward, taking only his paper-shredder repairer's salary, with a bit extra to buy some flowers for his girlfriend. In honour of his integrity and skill, Shi Di unveiled a small blu-tack statue of Bugi that he had made himself.
[edit] Characters
Cloud Strife- This is Cloud. Cloud dresses in purple. He has also, on at least one occasion, worn women's clothing - complete with makeup and sexy underwear. He tends to hide these 'curiosities' with macho behavior such as bragging about the "sheer fucking girth" of his mammoth sword and, more frequently, soliciting sexual favours from a yet unnamed I Don't Give A Shit-year-old girl (A.K.A Sephiroth). He also has favorite pastimes of picking up underage girls and effectively going insane and handicapped.
Tifa Lockheart- Tifa has the biggest breasts of any of the world's women. She also can inexplicably do somersaults with them big ol' knockers whilst wearing a tight skirt. Now, that's power. Effectively fights with her fists which apparently can still knock the shit out of bosses covered in spikes, without needing Po'shuns.
Aeris Gainsborough- Aeris once lived in the slums of Midgar where she was forced to 'sell flowers' just to get by. She sold her 'flowers' to everyone and used her profits to 'fund the local church'. To this day, she maintains the longest thing she's ever had inside her was Sephiroth's sword. Unknown to any of her friends, Aeris suffered a mental problem in which made her act childish throughout the game. She currently resides in Hell, along with her former lover Zack Fair.
Barret Wallace- The first ever playable African-American stereotype in Final Fantasy history. He was forced to flee his hometown of Corel due to fear of execution on the grounds that "he be one o' them there coony-boys an' we don' take kindlay t'them round these parts". He fled to Midgar where he would become the first terrorist in existence.
Cid Highwind- Cid tends to drink excessively before returning home to his partner Shera for a night of physical abuse and 'angry sex'. Cid's pilot license was revoked after drunkenly crashing the Tiny Bronco into a giant, decorative spacecraft. He took his own life prior to the crash.
Cait Sith- A.K.A. a stuffed mog with a stuffed cat on its head, controlled by a secret agent miles away that attacks by hitting people with a megaphone. A registered sex offender, now calling himself Randy. He is disguised as Michael Jackson but we seen through that act quite quickly.
Red XIII- A.K.A. Nanaki. An intelligent, bright red, talking dog/cat/whatever who enjoys reading Shakespeare and crying over his stoned father.
Yuffie- (crackwhore) A fourteen-year-old ninja girl (apparently another Narutard, poor soul). Yuffie often appears to be aroused by stealing and the shiny thing on the end of Vincent's arm. Notably, she also suffers from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and once counted every grain of salt in a restaurant before pouring it all into an open wound. She has materia obsession and constantly flips out upon it. Materia was late determind to be crack and her flip outs to be withdrawal.
Vincent Valentine- A man with a mysterious past. Vincent enjoys writing poetry, wearing mascara and crying himself to sleep. He lived in his parents' basement for twenty years, only emerging from his coffin to post moody pictures of himself on his Myspace page. He claims to be able to transform into a variety of monsters. Many suspect this is merely a poorly-devised means of attracting attention to said Myspace page. He also enjoys suffocating French Canadians with his awkwardly torn cape. Can't he bitch slap- I mean, steal some extra gil from Cloud and buy a new one? Of course not. Because then Hell would have to freeze over.
Sephiroth- A Pick-up Artist, that eventually gamed Aeris which in turn killed her with that huge Neg he was carrying. On several occasions, Sephiroth was sighted carrying around what he claimed to be his mother's severed head. He was institutionalized soon afterwards before being transferred to Coral Prison when authorities found traces of his semen in the mouth of the aforementioned severed head. He is also Cloud's bitch in the missing discs. Upon his release from said institution/prison/asylum he has gained the title of "that guy who killed all those people and laughed about it, just because he was completely bored" he denied this, of course, but no one believed him because he also said that silver was his natural hair color (which it isn't, duh). Lying tool.
Solid Snake- Was cut from the original game, as he had commitments with another game which never got a very good score. What was it called? Plastic Cog Gas? He was meant to play as a summon, where he would sneak up behind a monster in a cardboard box then snap their neck. Some say the real reason he was cut was because of a three-day sex, alcohol and drugs binge with Cid, Yuffie and Red XIII. As a result, Yuffie cried in the corner with a clotheshanger in her hand and a bottle of Jack Daniels in the other. Cid had released a press meeting that he was never in the orgy and blamed it on James Bond's latest actor Daniel Craig. Red XIII, on the other hand, is in rehab for constant drug abuse.
[edit] The Story
[edit] Disc 1
The story opens on the mighty Midgar, it's shape inspired by Pizza Hut. The city is split into three levels. On the top level, a topping of pepperoni and peppers, but no mushrooms. The second level, known as the slums, contains legendary 7th Heaven cheeses. And the bottom level, the best part, the crust.
Truth, beauty, freedom, love, pot noodles, the music of the Beatles and sex is banned, and mass brainwashing campaigns exist to ensure that all shall serve Shinra and their shiny lightbulbs. Evil robots have taken over, raping, killing, and enslaving at will. Their entire lives are overseen by a mutatedly fat, bloated, 20-foot giant known as Big Mother-fucker (Not to be confused with Bad Motherfucker). No-one does anything without Big Mother-fucker watching them. People are executed when they reach 40, torture and death are considered TV entertainment, and worst of all, downloading copyrighted files is illegal. On the whole, it is slightly nicer than New Jersey.
You play Cloud Strife, a young hair gel sales manager/delivery boy, who one day reads one of the documents he should really be delivering. It is a large book, "A Dummie's Guide to Terrorism.", and it makes Cloud Strife realise what a good book this could be. He seeks out the owner of the book, Mr T, and after a long discussion where the word 'fool' was bandied back and forth repeatedly, decide to settle their disputes through a boxing match. Cloud tries to explain that they don't have any disputes, but Mr T's brain has been addled by too much drug-drink. Fortunately, Cloud was a champion boxer, and wowed T with some of the best right hooks he'd ever seen.
Settling down, Mr T explains to Cloud that he has been repeatedly knocked back in his attempts to conquer the bottom Crust newspaper market. The main problem is that in a city where someone is considered an 'intellectual' if their mouth moves in sync to what they are saying, very few people can read. Cloud decides to help Mr T with his paper. Fortunately, Cloud is an expert in such matters. He points out to T that to appeal to a wider audience, they need more nipples, more scandalous celebrity gossip, and more perverted agony aunt columns. With Cloud's help, the Dummie's Guide to Terrorism becomes a hit, and soon a small crowd gathers around their office, ready to help fight back against their cruel opressors.
Cloud gathers this small band of men into a terrorist cell known as AVALANCHE, or The A Team for short. Often, mere mention of the name is enough to ensure their enemies bow into their demands and rush to KFC for the same-named McFlurry wannabe. However, in a dramatic climax scene at the end of Disc 1, Barret asks Cloud if he would suit corn rows, starting the next 2-disc row on whether Barret is actually Mr T.
[edit] Disc 2
At the end of Disk 1, Mr "T", Cloud, and some other members of The A Team drove their van through the wall of Auralcex. But how can a van break through a massive, fortified wall of steel? This is explained at the start of Disk 2; it is a magic van.
T, Cloud and the A Team drive around the planet fighting crime, putting a stop to such misdemeanours as draining the planet's energy, abusing the crystals, selling drugs to minors, watching Quentin Tarantino films etc. However, Cloud muses 'There must be more to life than doing good for all mankind and saving the world', (a statement which once again prompts Mr T's tirade about Cloud being not only a fool, but a pitiable one) and decides to settle down with a nice girl. He knows just the lass; Aerisithlord, daughter of the King of Auralcex. He gets T to drive the van off to the city.
In a mad, adrenaline-fuelled whirlwind of van-barging, fool-saying, mystery-solving and goat-spanking, Cloud eventually comes face to face with King President, leader of Auralcex and of Shinra. After listening to Cloud's request for his daughter's hand in marriage, he tells Strife that any man who wishes to marry Aerisithlord must first complete a challenge. Firstly, Cloud must fetch the Ruby Ring from the red dragon.
After an epic quest, involving a war between atomic super-men and their monkey offspring, a global Communist plot, a mad drug-running criminal enterprise, madly copulating chocobos, and the shocking twist that Mr T was christened 'Mr Q', Cloud eventually seizes the Ruby Ring.
There is also an optional sidequest, involving Cloud destroying the One Ring in a volcano, thereby saving the earth from ultimate evil. On completion of this quest, Cloud receives a potion and a pat on the back.
In the closing scene of Disk 2, Cloud reflects on his many adventures, thinking that now he will have a well-deserved rest. Mr T calls him a fool.
[edit] Disc 3
Returning to Auralcex, Cloud gives the Ruby Ring to King President. The King then reveals there is a second part to the challenge; Cloud must fetch the Emerald Ring from the green dragon.
After an epic quest, involving the dolphins taking over, the robots taking over, the trade unionists taking over, John Edwards crossing over, Red and Purple Chocobos having sex and producing teal offspring, and the shocking twist that tomatoes are really a fruit, Cloud eventually seizes the Emerald Ring.
There is also an optional sidequest, involving Cloud sacrificing himself to save all mankind and redeem them from their sins. On completion of this quest, Cloud receives an ether and a pot plant. Cloud fashions a weapon out of the pot plant and calls it 'The Buster Sword'. Mr. T pities the sword and calls it a fool.
In the closing scene of Disk 3, Cloud remembers his punk-ass twin brother Zack, and how 'It might be nice if we could save him now, maybe'. He then breaks down into tears. In a touching moment, Mr T refrains from calling Cloud a fool, although he whispers 'pity' to Cloud before fighting the end-disc boss, Sylvester Stallone.
[edit] Disc 4 - 492
Returning to Auralcex, Cloud gives the Emerald Ring to King President. The King then reveals there is a third part to the challenge; Cloud must fetch the Sapphire Ring from the blue dragon.
After an epic quest, involving the rise and fall of protest rock music, the re-release of the Old Trilogy of Star Wars, the tragic death of Captain America, and the shocking twist that Soylent Green is people, Cloud eventually seizes the Sapphire Ring.
There is also an optional sidequest, involving Cloud saving the galaxy from the dark side of the force and restoring the power of the light side. On completion of this quest, Cloud receives a Phoenix Down and a page from Penthouse, which he's not allowed to sell, and can't use for any other purpose.
The most powerful ability is now available, if Cloud takes the time to force at least fifty chocobos to participate in what is now affectionately known as the "rainbow orgy". Though technically optional, five out of four seven-year-olds agree it is impossible to win the game without it.
As an optional side quest, Cloud can eat the page from Penthouse, and get drunk, before collapsing in a heap. This side quest is rumored to crash the game, but noone's bothered to finish it yet, because it is so mind numbingly dull.
Returning to Auralcex, the King agrees that Cloud has completed his challenge and grants him an audience with his daughter, the fair princess Aerisithlord.
'It's just up these stairs,' says King President.
However, 'these stairs' turn out to be BRUTAL KILLING STAIRS OF DOOM. Once these stairs are defeated through Cloud's funky dance moves, Cloud enters a deadly fight with the game's final bosses, Jehovah, Jamocha, Jamiroquai, Chewbacca and Sabembermoff. Cloud is eventually victorious and enters the princess' private chamber.
Princess Aerisithlord is indeed beautiful. Cloud introduces himself.
'Do you have the Ruby Ring?' asks she.
Cloud replies that he does.
'And do you have Emerald Ring?
Cloud answers to the affirmative.
'Ah, but do you have the Sapphire Ring?'
'Yes! So, fair princess, will you marry me?'
'No.'
Then the princess calls him a fool, at which point Cloud Strife realizes that she is actually Mr. T.
Then, Cloud tells Mr.T,
"Yo mamma so ugly, her birth certificate was an apology letter!"
He then runs off giggling like Peter Griffin: "to the Hinden-Peter!"
The End
[edit] Missing Discs
Reportedly, five more discs for the game were made. One was a wide-expanding look into the soul of each and every character of the game, and another has naked Tifa pictures. Neither were released with the game, for reasons mysteriously unknown.
The last three, however, were accidentally leaked to the public. The story inside goes like this:
Cloud joins AVALANCHE, Cloud meets Aeris AVALANCHE is trapped by President Shinra, Cloud falls, lands on a flower bed and meets Aeris again, Cloud agrees be her bodyguard, the Turks try to capture Aeris, she reveals her first boyfriend was a 1st Class SOLDIER, Tifa enters Wall Market they follow her they infiltrate the Don Corneo’s house, Shinra has discovered AVALANCHE's hideout, Shinra successfully destroys Sector, 7 the Turks finally capture Aeris, she is the last Cetra who are closely attuned with the planet, President Shinra believes Aeris can lead him to the Promised Land which has Mako, Tifa, Barret and Cloud go rescue Aeris and Red XIII they escape President Shinra is stabbed by a sword, Cloud thinks Sephiroth is back Jenova’s body without a head disappears Rufus controls Shinra AVALANCHE chases Sephiroth Yuffie, Cait, Vincent and Cid join Sephiroth's plan is revealed: if the planet is damaged, the Lifestream will come Sephiroth will use "Meteor" to merge with all the Mako to be a god AVALANCHE takes the Black Materia Sephiroth forces Cloud to give him it Aeris goes to a Cetra city Sephiroth tries to make Cloud kill her Sephiroth kills Aeris Sephiroth tells Cloud he’s created from Jenova's genetic material by Hojo Jenova was an interstellar creature came on a meteor Jenova tried to give everyone a virus it killed most Cetra the planet created WEAPONs some Cetra defeated Jenova and put it in its fissure the WEAPONs went to sleep until later Jenova was found by Gast he combined cells from Jenova with a fetus Sephiroth found out he was the fetus but he thought he was a Cetra so he burned down Nibelheim Cloud met him there Cloud breaks down and lets Sephiroth cast Meteor the WEAPONs wake up there’s an earthquake Cloud falls into the Lifestream, Shinra protect people from WEAPONs, AVALANCHE looks for Cloud he’s on an island he’s catatonic the WEAPONs make him and Tifa fall into the Lifestream Tifa brings back Cloud's memories he’s human he was in Nibelheim when Sephiroth burnt it he wasn’t in SOLDIER Aeris’s boyfriend was "Zack Fair" When Sephiroth burnt Nibelheim, Zack, Tifa and Cloud fought Sephiroth in Nibelheim's mako reactor Tifa and Zack were defeated Cloud and Sephiroth wounded each other Sephiroth decapitated Jenova which was in the mako reactor Sephiroth fell into the Lifestream, with Jenova’s head he was preserved Tifa went to Midgar she joined AVALANCHE, Cloud and Zack were arrested by Shinra as a cover-up Hojo gave them enhancements SOLDIER members got with mako and cells from Jenova everyone but Zack was comatose five years later, Zack broke out and took Cloud with him Jenova’s cells in Cloud's body made him copy Zack he thought he was at Nibelheim Zack was shot outside Midgar by Shinra soldiers earlier Tifa found Cloud and he joined AVALANCHE Cloud wakes up when she was dying Aeris was casting Holyto oppose Meteor she succeeds but Sephiroth's stops it from working Shinra and AVALANCHE kill all the WEAPONs most Shinra executives die except Reeve Tuesti who controls Cait Sith and Hojo who is Sephiroth's father because they were Gast’s assistants and they offered Sephiroth for Jenova research Hojo tries to help Sephiroth AVALANCHE kills him they go to the centre of the planet and kill Sephiroth Holy is free but Meteor's too close to the planet so Holy can’t do it alone Midgar is almost destroyed by Meteor but Aeris's spirit makes the Lifestream push Meteor away and Holy destroys it.
It is, of course, extremely rare, seeing as how the story was too pointless and random, and had too many plotholes to be an actual videogame. Square apologized to all people who bought the game, and ordered a recall. It is said that only 13 copies are left in the world.
It was also reported that in one of the unknown disks (thought to be the 6th disk) it allows you to find the secret of Cloud's hair. He denies this and said that if you had 4 elbows and 1 arm you would be a t-rex.
[edit] Unlinks
| ファイナルファンタジー |
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 CHAOS IS REALLY JUST GARLAND ファイナルファンタジー -
ファイナルファンタジーⅡ -
ファイナルファンタジーⅢ |
| 関連の廃物 |
