Final Fantasy VI

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Final Fantasy VI (Japanese: ファイナルファンタジーVI; Fainaru Fantajī Vee-Aye)

[edit] Introduction

The final installment in the Fantasy VI series of video games, Final Fantasy VI was known as the Absolute worst piece of shit ever made. even Final Fantasy Mystic Quest was better than this! It was released in 1972 three years after it was demilitarized, by the Hardball Corporation for the SNES (Surprisingly, No Entertainment System) console. Hardball was just then trying to recover from the losses suffered from their previous flop: Final Fantasy Mystic Quest. They approached a team of Japanese sex slaves and fictional futuristic outlaw bounty hunters to provide them with a storyline more appealing than their previous games. From Mystic Quest, they learned that people simply did not wish to play games with so many talking crystals and characters named after hot corned-beef sandwiches. Hardball was a very competitive corporation, and like all Japanese corporations, they ruled with an iron fist by an evil samurai mobster. Because he had, "dedicated his life to the great western Satan" Hardball CEO Grumpei Gojinshokoso insisted his assembled team of storywriters be secluded in a haunted house on a hill for three days while all the planets were all aligned or something.

[edit] The Story of the Story

When the house was unsealed after three days, the writers had gone completely insane and were all institutionalized, but Hardball, already in severe debt, had to make do with what the writer's had accomplished. Explaining the shitty storyline, level up system, heroess, villan, world, weapons, sommoning system, bosses, and graphics. What was gleaned from the rough drafts was a meandering and senseless story, 7645 pages long and reflecting nearly 10,000 hours of gameplay (unless you find the secret character, Gogo, who is some kind of transgendered pile of rags, in which case the game can be finished in a mere 9,650 hours)

[edit] Characters

The main character in FF6 (also called "Magacitement" by geeks and) is an idiot in a bright yellow rain coat named Terra and some guy named Cid. Cid is a recurring character in every Final Fantasy, and he almost always plays a totally useless retard who tells you a bunch of stuff you already knew. The exception is Final Fantasy VII wherein, Cid is a Foul mouthed badass

• Terra Branflakes: A Whore who recently gave up heroin and got out of rehab, and thus doesn't remember that she's not even human, however, when she thinks for one second she might be human, she takes off all her clothes and turns bright pink in one of those great anime style transformations. Voiced by Steve Ballmer.
• Locke Cole: A "treasure hunter," who "treasure hunts" on the Internet looking at porn. Voiced by John Stamos. He is currently on an island, but is no longer paralyzed.
• Edgar Rice-a-Roni Figaroni: The pimp, the mackdaddy. Like all pimps, he was voiced by Oscar Wilde.
• Sabin Renée Zellweger "Mash" Figaroni: Edgar's brother, a karate fighter, and a closet homosexual (why else would he have flowers and tea in his house?). Helps his brother a lot, since every pimp needs a bigass bodyguard. Voiced by Adam West.
• Shadow: a Ninja who was trained as a Sith lord. Totes the mean dog Interceptor for many months, nearly abandons Interceptor after the end of the world when she didn't come out biting monsters balls as much as she did before. Resembles his half brother Snake Eyes from GI Joe with Interceptor as Timber. Note: Secretly, he is also a maniacal hedgehog who has a thing for dead chicks.
• Cyan Garabaldi: A Wapanese man who is actually French. He was named because he had the lightest skin color of any member of the Blue Man Group. Voiced by John Wayne, or so it is speculated.
• Gau: A wild child who would eventually become Rikku's stunt double in later titles. Lucky bastard. Anyway, he was voiced by Geddy Lee. Of Rush. Of Salesmen.
• Celes Chere: A magical girl who was infused with the power to not be able to sing. Voiced by Britney Spears, which pissed off Terra a lot. Also she recently realised she has a spiritual bond with Satan, simply because of the similarity in birthdays.
• Mog: Half man, half bear, and half pig! I'm super serial! Voiced by Al Gore.
• Brian Setzer Gabbiani: The Artist Formerly Known as Han Solo, who had to have a monopoly on all the airships in the world, so he had to destroy all but his own (as well as his dead friend's airship, but nobody used it until Setzer, Celes, Edgar, and possibly Sabin stole borrowed it). Voiced by Bill Gates.
• Strago Magus: Just some old dude. Apparently, he thinks he doesn't have to retire yet. But he really should. He is secretly the son of Tellah but tells no one because of his father's "suicidal impulses" and gay clothes. He is played by Ric Flair.
• Relm Arrowny: Another ditzy magical girl in the anime sense in that her spells make her friends explode and she may have small boobs. She likes dogs. Really likes dogs, if you know what we mean. Ew! Relm is currently in a committed relationship with Interceptor. When asked about their intimacy, she eagerly replied, speaking so fast that the press exploded. Voiced by Excel Excel.
• Random Returner Dude #4: The most popular character in the game. He pwns Generic Narshe Guard #2 in just about every way imaginable. Played by Ronald McDonald.
• Gogo: Most often remembered as a Governor of Illinois and as a presidential candidate for the Democrats. Successful in mimicing everything he sees which would lead people to believe that he is popular. Voiced by Dane Cook which will make people think twice.
• Umaro: A very deep and enigmatic character. Also Mog's slave. Known for having lots of commands to control him with, which can cause troubles to inexperienced players. Voiced by Frank Welker, with the Optimous Prime kinda voice.
• Samuel L. Jackson: Exists somewhere in every Final Fantasy game, here he plays a chocobo.
• Vicks and Wedge: Grand-Grand-Grand-Grandsons of Beavis and Butthead. They use awesome Magitek Armors at the beginning of the game, but have their ass kicked by a fuckin frozen BIRD! Not only that, but it's a fuckin frozen bird that even Rydia could kick the crap out of. fucking RYDIA!!. Later, they get a very fulfilling job at a Stuckey's in Steubenville, Ohio. These guys have absolutely nothing to do with Star Wars, so quit bitching about it.
• Cid: Exists in one way or another in a Final Fantasy game as a cute nod to synchronicity which only fanboys can appreciate. Played by John C Reilly.

Kefka's transformation to God Like creature.

[edit] Villains

• Kefka Palazzo: A homosexual author who was subjected Proffesor Cid's horrid experiments to see how long a grown man can listen to Hanna Montana (Poor kefka). Once a distinguished officer of Ghestalian Empire who suddenly snapped at his protege, Celes Chere's academy graduation after he saw sand on his shoe. Enraged Kefka threw a Bicth fit and did about 11 dollars worth of damage and vowed to "Get you fuckers where it hurts!" After years of ass raping and doping, Kefka became a god so powerful that he ordered Zues to make him a sammich. Zeus replied by Screwing Kefka. Known to throw bitch fits and destroy civilizations at the very wag of his microscopic pussy. Sephiroth is better. Currently running for mayor of hell with his personal ass, Sephiroth. Voiced by Michael Jackson.

This is believed by many to be Ultros's finest hour, and the start point for his later career

• Emperor Palpatine: Kefka's Sith mentor. He ensured all Sith prophecies would come true.
• Vargas' Bears: The most evil, deep, and famous villains in any game ever to exist. Vargas' bears (Named "iPooh" and "iPooh") hold 5,000,000 songs and can fit in your pocket protector. They bear (Get it? Get it?!) a striking resemblance to Sabin.
• Ultros: A purple squid who constantly stalks the player party. On one particular occasion, he posed for a nude portrait by Relm. After being screwed over by the party for the fourth time, he becomes a receptionist at a strip club Collosseum. He would many years later go on to a career which inspired a substantial portion of the Japanese video industry. His friend Mr. Chupon likes to huff the party members during battle, especially if Relm is equipped with either the Cat-Ear Hood or Tabby Suit.
  • Ultros's catchphrase is "Don't tease the octopus, kids!"

[edit] Summary

The end of the game involves killing God or something, but the point of the game is a more subtle product of the entire gameplay experience. Namely, "I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, it when you do that."

Sadly, after the master copy of FFVI was destroyed by the "Beam of Judgement," (yet another Japanese slang term for a disturbing sexual perversion) the very last known copy of FFVI was lost at some point between 7th and 11th grade. Several people still mourn the loss of such a great game, but mostly those people are the parents who actually had to pay the goddamned $80 for it.

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関連の廃物 ファイナルファンタジーⅩ-2 - ファイナルファンタジーא-n - ファイナルファンタジー:フォルモヲアー