Filipino

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His Excellency Ferdinand Edralin Marcos has issued Proclamation 1081: This article is now under Martial Law. Only registered users of The Kilusang Bagong Lipunan can edit this article because some of you fucktards don't know the difference between SATIRE and SHIT!

Filipinos (or male form Pinoys female form Pinays, as they prefer to call themselves) are Very Very Very emotional creatuers with a pair of eyes; ears & nostrils;and two arms & legs much like humans - okay, that joke is really fucking funny as hell (admit it). They pout and use their lips instead of their fingers to point to things, and they can understand each other using various body languages and gestures without uttering a word. At home, a Filipino family's hospitality is renowned worldwide (wikipedia article wtf). They will more than happily accept over $500 worth of food and groceries, but will be extremely insulted if you offer to make even one grilled cheese sandwich.

To get a Filipino's attention, just say "Hoy!", or "Psstttt!", or "Pssst uyy!!!". If this approach fails, yell "DOG!" and they will turn around, fangs bared and eyes bulging, saying "WHERE?!"

They have an appendage called a celfone which they use to communicate with their herd. This body part, if taken away from a Filipino, will result in paranoia. This makes it easier for biologists to identify the Filipinos in the wild, since they have their individual IMEI numbers which the scientists can track. Filipinos immediately respond to celfone messages rather than any emergency and calls you can imagine.

A group of Filipinos

Whitening cream and transexualism is very popular with Filipinos. Over half of the GDP comes from these two interests.^[1]

The coños flaunt their superficiality through extravagant lifestyles and kissing American capitalism's ass. Examples of such are Tim Yap, Tessa Prieto Valdez, Kris Aquino and all the Cojuancos and Madrigals that walk the face of the earth. Their vocabulary includes using the word "like" and "prrrrang" (two separate words, usually used together... "like... prrrang... um... like... prrrang... uh, like yeah, that one..."). Do not forget the "you know" plus "kase eh", then it becomes "like... prrrang.. um like you know kase eh... uhm you know? like, like that oh?".^[2]

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Filipino.

Then there are the "jologs" or the masses, who want to be like the coños but can't because of the poverty and corruption. Their wardrobe consists of third world coño-wannabe shirts that have (intentionally?) bad spelling, ie. Mike (Nike), Gutshy (Gucci), Praba (Prada), Skaters (Skechers), Havanas (havaianas) etc.^[3]; or has to make do with second-hand designer clothing to fit in the crowd

Peculiarities on the Jologs Sub-culture

Furthermore, a more unique feature of the jologs subculture is that it has its own self-made religion wherein they worship the tenets of ABS-CBN. International singer, philanthropist and horti-culturalist April "Boy" Regino speculates that the continuous admiration of Willie Revillame, the so-called supreme deity of the jologs subculture, is a manifestation of both genuine Filipino religiosity and happy-go-luckiness.^[4] However, due to a stampede tragedy during a religious ceremony (known as Wowowee), a substantial part of the jologs demographic reverted to the now archaic religion of the trinity between Tito, Vic and Joey.

Coño-Jologs Dichotomy

On computer OS: Windows vs Linux.
On Coffee: Starbucks vs. Nescafe 3 in 1
On Slippers: Havaianas & Ipanema vs. Islander, Spartan & Havana (?!)(It's amazing how coños make cheap things look cool)
On Ballpens: Pilot vs. Panda
On Bags: Louis Vuitton vs. Barf bags and grocery bags, aka bayongs.
On Water: Evian vs. Rain water from drums
On Medicine: Tylenol vs. some voodoo ritual dance
On Medicine: The General Practitioner vs. the Albularyo (Medicine Man) whose main medication is a bit of spit
On Sex: One night stands from bars vs. Affairs with the next door neighbor...
On Female Sexuality: Open minded vs. POKPOK...
On Pest Control: Raid vs. The Rubber Sandal

A Typical Filipino Coño Woman

[edit] The Bakla

Main Article: Homosexuality in the Philippines

	I love Willy... Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you meant the gameshow host.
—Sam Milby, Internationally Renowned Contortionist and Protector of the "3rd Kind".

Evolution is also evident in the Philippines. Charles Darwin would have been elated if he were alive today. A man is commonly called Filipino and a woman is called Filipina. The past few years have seen the emergence of a new race - the half-Filipino, half-Filipina - or in local language, the ''Bakla''. Scientists are baffled about how this new breed propagates, as there is no evidence that they ever get pregnant.^[5]

[edit] White Pilipino/a

[edit] = Creation of the breed

The White Filipino is a very Strange breed of the Filipinos. The White Filipino Breed Came about during WWII when a lonely American soldier named G.I Privet."aka Long snake" Joe payed a sexy young Filipino virgin Girl For sex. The sexy young Filipino virgin Girl (now known in history as just SFG to hide her innocence) Gave birth to two respectable Blue eyed dark-redish-brunette haired very very very very light white looking carmel colored twins (nicknamed by historians and breeders as Adam and Eve) one boy and one girl which she named Joseph and Katerine ( after the saints).

[edit] Matting for the breed

Ever since the first two many breeders have breed for more White Filipino/a's however it must be noted that many do not get the same original results with the exception is the perfect Pure white colored blond haired blue eyed White Filipino/a withe the female having very very large breasts. The breeds are breed usually With the white being male and the Filipina being Female. This is because of the very picky nature of the White Female as it is rare for her to be attracted to the Filipino male.

The results of 50/50 half white half filipino/a breeding are as folows

Skin Tone: Very light Coffee color but it must be noted that any exposer to the sun will result in a very undesirable darkeningp of the perfectd skin tone.
Hair colour:varies but average medium to very dark Brown
ForHead: Witdh-Wide Hight-medium
Eye color- varies but average is brown to dark brown
Eye Shape- walnut and half peanut shell have been recorded
Nose: 'Noted as oddly Beautiful' Nostrils-Slightly Flared Width- Medium Wide Length- Medium Long Tip- Roundish Point- semi up
Lips- what can only be described as medium full (but oh so cute when they point)
Jaw: Angle- 30 to 75 degrees Chne- Points down but rounded
Head shape: Sloped pointyish oblong
Hight (note: American measurement tool used): Female- 5'4"-5'7" Male-5'8"-5'10" however extreme heights have been recorded as such Female- 5'9"-6'2" Male- 6'4"-6'9"
Breasts(women only): 'Note: American breast cup sizes used' Average 32B-40C
Feet: 'Note: American shoe sizes used' Width- Rice Patty(Wide) sizes- female- 8 1/2-10 male 12-15

[edit] Business Sector

Main Article: Serious business

Philippine economy relies heavily on the application of their nationalism and fucking gay humor on the internet. Businesses in this country include editing Uncyclopedia articles such as this one so that it would meet their politically correct gay standards. It also includes complaining like bitches on comments, articles, and everything posted in the internet that hurts their so called "Filipino pride".

Uncyclopedia is Serious Fucking Business

The Filipino business sector have recently invested all of their fucked up lives editing this article so that it would meet their politically correct egotistic standards because they believe that Uncyclopedia is serious fucking business. Apparently, though managing to set up their business, Uncyclopedia never acknowledged their stupid humor. As a result, this article does not exist.

Jacque Bermejo is Serious Fucking Business

Recently, amidst typhoon Ondoy, a group of noobs from the Filipino online community on Facebook launched a series of online businesses spearheaded by a certain Jacque Bermejo hate group to prove once again that Filipinos are serious fucking businessmen and women and that the internets is serious fucking business. This, however, received a lot of negative criticisms. A news anchor named Ted Failon even went as far as commenting that these fucking noobs should get a fucking life instead of fucking moaning like a bitch at almost fucking everything. Ignoring the criticisms, and the fact that they took the fucking bait of some anonymous poser as confirmed by the Dubai police, some Filipino noobs apparently believed that Jacque Bermejo is trolling them and that everyone in the internet is Jacque Bermejo. They also believe that Ted Failon is Jacque Bermejo. Eventually, this failed patriotism led them to conclude that the Dubai Police, which they also believe to be Jacque Bermejo's troll, is just making a pitiful excuse (which is also a fucking pitiful excuse).

Business Transactions

It is fairly easy to make a business transaction with the Filipinos. Blogging a real nasty racist comment would automatically set you an appointment to the Filipino businessmen and women.

[edit] Bat Fuck Insane Behavior

Main Article: Bat Fuck Insane

Most Filipinos are bilingual and well educated. In fact, the Philippines has a high literacy rate and sometimes at par with first world countries, like Mordor. But the majority of Filipino college graduates have a tendency to go overseas, sell themselves short and get a crappy job somewhere else - somehow just for the sake of it. Some experts speculate that Filipinos love to shit in their own underwear and say that their country is going down in flames even if there is a seemingly good chance of getting a high paying job locally. Other experts agree that most Filipinos are just bat fuck insane and get shit-ass jobs abroad so that others will think that they are "playa N gots da bling". This kind of behavior reached its peak during the '90s when a would be doctor went to some foreign white-ass continent to become a nurse - now really, that's bat fuck insane!!! And when they have escaped their imaginary "Mogadishu-like" image of the Philippines they have embedded in their pathetic minds, they somehow adopt their current location as their hometown. This kind of bat fuck insane behavior was first seen in Friendster and MySpace, and TV shows such as Eat Bulaga and Wowowee (yay representing California!!! Califor-N-I-A!!!!). Leading Filipino scholar and national hero Raganciano Kapitapitagan Junior says that only Filipinos who love to eat dogs and put highlights in their hair exhibit this kind of bat fuck insane behavior.^{[Citation needed]}

Filipinos also have a propensity to diss their homeland. They love taking snapshots of squatters and crappy places in the country and send them to contests and exhibits and stuff, and foreigners will think that the Philippines is indeed going down the shithole. Imagine a photo contest where other countries have breathtaking sceneries and beautiful images as their entries . . . get it??? Now imagine diarrhea-afflicted squatter kids somewhere in a dumpsite taking a dump and crying . . . yeah that would be the Philippines's best photo ever!!! A country gifted with a natural God-given beauty, and all you get is a bat fuck insane photo in the eyes of a bat fuck insane "artist". Now seriously, that's bat fuck insane!!!^{[Citation needed, though not really]}

	What the fuck!!!! We have hobos and shit in our country and I'm sure there are skanky-ass-dirt-poor people in other parts of the world maybe worse than the Philippines!!! I've been in the Philippines and its a mothafuckin fly-ass country!!! But why do these punk-ass bitches love to take broke-ass photos like that? That is just muthafuckin bat fuck insane bitch!!! ^[6]
—Award winning photographer and nobel prize winner Rick James

Most Filipinas love to be 'hos for the White Man and marry them. These innocent and sweet Filipinas are quickly transformed to the blonde-haired greasy-ass looking bitches we see in Friendster and MySpace as soon as they set foot on the White Man's soil. Statistics show that only the females exhibit this kind of bat fuck insane behavior. Experts say it is not clear why most male Filipinos never get the urge to bang a white foreigner and take them as their wives. Its either they're not bat fuck insane or they're just plain butt ugly in the eyes of a white bitch. "This is bat fuck insane, I gotsta get myself a hot-ass Filipina bitch!!!", says one White Guy who think he's from da 'hood. Hence the birth of the mail-order bride business.^{[Citation from a 'mail order bride client' needed]}

They just love 'em White People.

Experts also noticed that other Asians stick to their own kind and marry someone within their race. "Knee-how, they like they baby to look like Balbie becos they bat fuck insane !!!", says one Chinese who wish to remain anonymous on bat fuck insane Filipinas.

"And I lab fly lice too!!!", the Chink added.^{[Citation from a Chinese needed]}

Filipinos who exhibit the bat-fuckingest insane behaviour are in the United States of America. Immigrants from all over the world normally speak their own language in their homes, and never forget how to speak in their native tongue. Filipinos will automatically get a sort of "language amnesia" as soon as they become American Citizens or Green Card holders.^{[Citation needed? Nope this one is right on the money]}

Thi...this is not true. Ac....actually this is ju...just plain offensive t...to the Filipino people, says Gary Valenciano, a green card holder who never speaks Tagalog. He later found out that he is also bat fuck insane. Gary Valenciano is also a world class epileptic, and the best friend of Martin Nievera - who is also bat fuck insane and never speaks Tagalog.^[7]

Lately, clueless Filipino readers of this page exhibit the same bat fuck insane behavior and leave stupid comments in the discussion tab. They bat fucking insanely lecture the contributors saying that this article needs more work and make it look more like Wikipedia, like making it look positive and not offensive and shit. And then they whine to the point of making themselves bat fuckingly uberinsaningly annoying. Then they add long stupid lists to this page and declare to the whole of Uncyclopedia that they are the funniest bad assed motherfucker that ever walked on the face of this miserable planet, as if that will scare the living crap out of the Filipino contributors and revise this whole damn article for them.^{[Citation not needed, thank you very much]}

[edit] Rules on Being a Filipino

First part of bilow: You must never ever Cry except when at funerals or when you are seriously injured.
Second part of avobe: Yet always always show emotion.
Alway say no (No=yes in Filipino language)after every sentence I.E Are you going to the store no?
Always eat Spam with rice. Unless eaten right out of the can.
When speaking English Pronounce V as B; B as V; and Ph as P
You will always cheer on the weaknesses of your teammates.
You must know when to start and never know when to stop.
You must start a "peaceful" riot and then throw any crap you find when the police comes.
You must not follow any stoplight when there are no policemen around.
Fight even without ammo in a gunfight. Better off sell the ammo and use the gun it last long and works better.
You must like anything the americans throw at you and immediately hate it for not being Filipino enough.
You must Pwn the german/Filipino with the initials C.A.D.C. and wear his skin as a coat and wear it with PRIDE
You must pwn the person who gained lvl 16 on DOTA to truly prove your worthiness.
Prove your worthiness by gaining lvl 16 on DOTA.
Gain unmatched telekinetic powers .
Ask your daughter's suitor for his definition of love.
Nokia is better than samsung. (better meaning cheaper)
Be able to drive Caucasians to tears with just marbles, and a stick.
When interrogating someone, beat them up. When they give in, throw them to the cats
Talk in "taglish" to sound rich.
If your A Foreign Filipino(Filipino but not born or living in the Philippines)speak Englong to sound reech(rich).
Beware of dwarves.
Always <str>feed<str/> Share with the Duwende. If you don't they will steal. (Filipinos Know what I mean)
Act like the American black rap singer.
Elect actors and actresses into public office because they're better than actual politicians.
Believe in superstitious bullshit even though 99.9% of Filipinos are Catholic
If you're a balikbayan from the states, never ever speak Tagalog.
Always climb a volcano.
When a typhoon hits, STAY OUTSIDE AND PLAY!!! Meaning Go Surf the waves!!!!
Complain to foreigners that the Philippines is the poorest country in the world and then spend all day shopping at fancy malls, drinking Starbucks coffee, and riding taxis.
Ditch utensils! Eat with your hands, dammit!
Buy a painting of The Last Supper and hang it on your dining room wall, even if you're not Christian.
Hang a "Weapons of Moroland" shield on your living room, even if you don't know where the fuck Moroland is.
Speak in Tagalog in any mall or any fully airconed building, no matter how small it is, to sound cool.
Think that basketball is the most popular and only sport in the world.
Assume that any Filipino who can't speak english is BOBO while praising Japanese(who speak less english)intelligent.
Put "Hair Policies" on schools.
Always refer to a food/drink/any product by its brand name. For example, never say "Wanna get soda?", and instead say "Wanna get a Coke?".
Go to a private school to learn English as it is the best language in the world and have you fined if you speak in Tagalog
Join Definitely Filipino in Facebook and NEVER EVER post in tagalog.
use programs that are already FREE like garena and still have the shitty guts to just complain and complain and complain then he/she still uses the said program
the skwating factor
If you have families and friends in abroad you should ask them money all the time.
Crab mentality is a must! You should pull your friends',classmates', neighbors' and co-workers' feet to get promoted or be on top of everyone.
Brag Brag Brag all the time, show off all your expensive gadgets and appliances on Plurk, Twitter, Tumblr, Multiply, Facebook, Myspace and Friendster even if it is just a loan (UTANG) from 5/6 Bumbay.
Make a huge and expensive birthday party that you can't afford even you have to sell or pawn your TV, Sofa set,Cellphone or ask for loan from your friends (and you'll break your friendship because you'll never pay them) and 5/6 or Bumbay.
Mock half-breeds (mestizo/mestiza and tsinoy/tsinay) because you're jealous of their growing number and of course, SKIN COLOR.
For boys: In an Internet cafe, pwn complete strangers in DotA while swearing loudly until the employees kick you out.
For girls: In a mall, while laugh loudly to make everyone look at you
Call all Americans "AmBoy(s)" or "AmGirl(s)" in a pathetic attempt to conceal your desire to become an American clone or even to have been born an American
Always remember the time Nathan Petrelli mentioned him winning drinking contests in the Philippines despite him being somewhat antagonistic in that volume.
Hate Americans for saying "Asians" because Arabians, Filipinos, and Israelis are not identifiable with Koreans, Japanese and Chinese, yet continue saying "Americans" despite that people from New York, Los Angeles, Texas, Tennessee are also not physically or accentuationally identifiable with each other.
If your child or student tells you "Yes" or "Ok," forcefully respond by saying, "Yes/Ok who?! Yes/Ok Carabao?!"
Watch anime and learn to speak Japanese while complaining that the Filipino subject in school is difficult.

[edit] Where to find Filipinos

Overseas Filipinos are often seen infesting Little Manilas like the one seen above.

For mestizos/tsinoys: in a Black girls ass
For males: in a white girls ass
For females: the hospital
For mestizas/tsinays: the deluxe hospital suite
Love hotels
In a computer shop (not actually shopping, just for the DotA)
Under mountain hats
In volcanoes
In villages with small houses
For boys: In an Internet cafe
For girls: In a mall
In the ghetto fo sho
Under rocks, trees, volcanoes, mountains, of about
In church (though not actually praying)
In a grave (though All Saints Day is identifiable with a Chinese tradition of worshiping the dead)
Under a Jesus statue
Anything to do with water buffalos (a.k.a. carabao)
Basketball games (you know the ones that aren't black)
Black neighborhoods
Lucky Plaza Singapore
Daly City & South San Francisco, California
In the States, pretty much where the black Thugg people are in order to niggerize themselves and become gangstas and get some Cheap Turtle-Waxed shiny-ass plastic blingz. They later begin calling themselves "pi-ggers" for pilipino-niggersand the white filipinos calling them selves Wiger pigers.

[edit] Filipino Talk

1. “Well well well. Look do we have here!”
2. “Let’s give them a big hand of applause.”
3. “The more the manyer.”
4. “It’s a no-win-win situation.”
5. “Burn the bridge when you get there.”
6. “Anulled and void.”
7. “Mute and academic.”
8. “C’mon let’s join us!”
9. “If worse comes to shove.”
10. “Are you joking my leg?”
11. “It’s not my problem anymore, it’s your problem anymore.”
12. “What are friends are for?”
13. “You can never can tell.”
14. “Been there, been that.”
15. “Forget it about it.”
16. “Give him the benefit of the daw.”
17. “It’s a blessing in the sky.”
18. “Right there and right then.”
19. “Where’d you came from?”
20. “Take things first at a time.”
21. “You’re barking at the wrong dog.”
22. “You want to have your cake and bake it too.”
23. “First and for all.”
24. “Now and there.”
25. “I’m only human nature.”
26. “The sky’s the langit.” (The sky's the sky.)
27. “That’s what I’m talking about it.”
28. “One of these days is not like the other.”
29. “So far, so good, so far.”
30. “Time is of the elements.”
31. “In the wink of an eye.”
32. “The feeling is actual.”
33. “For all intense and purposes.”
34. “I ran into some errands.”
35. “Hi. I’m Jograd, what’s yours?”
36. “What is the world is coming to?”
37. “What is the next that is?”
38. “Get the most of both worlds.”
39. “Whatever you say so.”
40. “Base-to-base casis.”
41. “My answers have been prayered.”
42. “Please me alone!”
43. ‘It’s as brand as new.”
44. “So… what’s a beautiful girl like you?….”
45. “I can’t take it anymore of this!”
46. “Are you sure ka na ba?”
47. “Can’t you just cut me some slacks?”
48. “I couldn’t care a damn!”
49. “What’s your next class before this?”
50. “Nothing in this world is perfect except the word ‘change’”
51. “Standard and Chartered Bank”
52. “I’m very iterated!!!”
53. “Hello, my boss is out of town. Would you like to wait?”
54. “Don’t touch me not!”
55. “Hello?…For a while, please hang yourself…”
56. “Its spilled milk under the bridge.”
57. “Don’t change anything! Keep it at ease.”
58. “Hello McDo? Mag-i-inquire lang ako kung magkano ang kidney meal?” (Hello McDo? I would just like to inquire how much is a kidney meal?)
59. “You!!! You’re not a boy anymore! You’re a man anymore!”
60. “Out of fit ako these days eh…”
61. “Bring down the house down!”
62. “I’m the world champion of the World!!!”
63. “Beneath the belt naman yan!” (That's beneath the belt!)
64. “Oh shocks!”
65. “Nakakagulat ka, you started me!” (You are intrepid, you started me!)^[8]

[edit] References

↑ Gay
↑ http://www.dlsu.edu.ph/ - The official Coño Myspace Page
↑ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wowowee - The Official Jologs Homepage
↑ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wowowee - The Official Jologs Homepage
↑ Gay
↑ I'm Rick James Bitch!!!
↑ Gay
↑ [1]

[edit] See Also

Overtly Filipino Stuff
The Country	Filipino - Philippines - The Filipino Empire - Manila - History - List of Monarchs
People	Corazon Aquino - Cueshe - Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo - Imelda Marcos - Michelle Malkin - Raganciano Kapitapitagan Junior - Renaldo Lapuz
Culture	ABS-CBN - GMA - Homosexuality in the Philippines - Jeepney - Mail-to-Order Brides - Miss Earth Pageant - Philippine Cuisine - The Philippine Network War
Locations	Ateneo de Manila University - De La Salle University - Philippine Tourism - University of the Philippines

v • d • e

Fundamental Stereotypes

[0] Gay

[1] ttp://www.dlsu.edu.ph/ - The official Coño Myspace Page

[2] ttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wowowee - The Official Jologs Homepage

[3] ttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wowowee - The Official Jologs Homepage

[4] Gay

[5] I'm Rick James Bitch!!!

[6] Gay

[7] [1]

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[2]

[3]

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Filipino

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Contents

[edit] Coños & Jologs

[edit] The Bakla

[edit] White Pilipino/a

[edit] = Creation of the breed

[edit] Matting for the breed

[edit] Business Sector

[edit] Bat Fuck Insane Behavior

[edit] Rules on Being a Filipino

[edit] Where to find Filipinos

[edit] Filipino Talk

[edit] References

[edit] See Also

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