Fidget spinner

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Some varieties of fidget spinner are bright red to indicate their status as a dangerous weapon.

A fidget spinner is a nuclear weapon of mass destruction with a bearing in the center. It is generally used to fidget, kill and waste time, kill boredom, kill people, increase anxiety, and drastically increase stress. It has destroyed those with ADHD and autism to the point where they must focus, and helped those without ADHD and autism to gain ADHD and autism and slowly kill themselves. It was invented in 1942 as a weapon for use by Nazi Germany against the Soviet Union, but they (the USSR) stole the technology and hired a chemical engineer by the name of Catherine Hettinger to help turn it into a weapon of mass destruction. The Soviets later discovered that the woman was secretly Satan herself and in 1988 she threatened to use the fidget spinners on Russia's capital unless the Soviet Union disbands. 3 years later, she won.

edit History

Fidget spinners were originally invented in the 1990's as a means to relieve cubicle boredom and prevent cubicle rage. Unfortunately, they failed at their original purpose, since the sound of fidget spinners in adjacent cubicles tended to cause cubicle rage rather than prevent it.

edit Popularity

Pied piper with two fidget spinners copy

The Fidget Fiddler lures once-calm children to their hyperactive doom.

Fidget spinners became popular in 2017 and killed bottle flipping, though being a much worse occupation. In 2017, almost all elementary school, middle school, and high school students have a fidget spinner as it has become very popular, as of the 2016 CIA Database leak, leading hackers to release prototypes of fidget spinners and donating them to children for testing. Some schools responded by banning fidget spinners for students without ADHD, as they see fidget spinners as a distraction in class. However, teachers got addicted to them as well, so they don't enforce the ban.

The rise in the popularity of fidget spinners correlates directly with the recent spike in autism. The higher the rate of autism, the higher the sales of fidget spinners are. After all, most purchases are from the autistic community, and most autistic children are also able to use a fidget spinner with their toes. Fidget spinners with three bearings are the most popular among the autistic demographic.

edit Tricks

Once fidget spinners became popular, people start doing tricks with them. One trick involves taping paper to the... what are the things that spin? Propellers? Anyway, you tape paper to those, and put it above a really good fan. This makes the fidget spinner levitate for a few seconds and then fall onto the ground. People are fascinated by this, and some spend hours trying to perfect it.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Fidget spinner.

One of the more normal tricks involves stacking multiple fidget spinners on top of one another and then spinning them all. It looks cool and is apparently really hard. Other tricks include disappointing your parents and making your peers believe you're a degenerate and you shouldn't be around them. Fidget spinners can, in fact, be spun on the nose, it merely takes a but of balance and practice. The greatest trick the spinners ever pulled was convincing the whole world they were cool.

Another trick involves using the fidget spinner as a ceiling fan in a dollhouse. The trick is to mount it to the ceiling of the dollhouse and have it stay in place while it is spinning.

One of the hardest tricks uses the fidget spinner as a means to occupy one's hands while quitting smoking. If the person resumes smoking, the trick fails.

edit Variations

As previously mentioned, Hettinger invented the fidget spinner in the 1940's for the USSR, because its high velocity spin can cut through skulls and make the victim permanently addicted to spinning one on their allies and drunk. As fidget spinners became popular, many varieties emerged. The most popular design is the triple-bearing spinner, consisting of a three bearings on the sides with one bearing in the centre. This is the preferred design by fidget spinner puritans and autistic people. Another popular design is the ninja star fidget spinner, which is similar to the triple-bearing spinner except that the casing is shaped like a ninja star. The first fidget spinner invention is now known as the bi-spinner, which is similar to the triple-bearing spinner but with only 2 sides.

Some people have cast metal to make their own alloy metal compound, 3D printed, or by melting and molding plastic. A fidget spinner made with uranium may cause cancer, which is useful. Oddly enough, there is an electric fidget spinner with an electrical motor to make it spin itself, running on batteries, which is no good for the environment. Possibly an infinitely spinning fidget spinner will emerge.

Fidget spinners have been continuously remodeled to make people look progressively stupider and stupider as time progresses. The innovations in spinner technology are incredibly valued in many areas of research, such as quantum mechanics and engineering in general. Engineers believe that it may be possible to improve windmills by using similar technology.

Several progressively more deadly variations have been manufactured by arms companies such as Smyths Toy Superstores and Toys "R" Us. Some new variatons have come about with six or eight sides, such as the chinese 'Shanghai six-sides', but thankfully the Geneva Convention banned the manufacture of the sixteen-sided fidget spinner, as these would likely provoke Mutually Assured Autism, or MAA. The 32-sided spinner was only spun once, in a underground testing lab in New Mexico. All 1000 occupants are missing, presumed autistic.

edit As a weapon

Cartoon murder by fidget spinner

Local man brutally murdered by fidget-spinner-wielding criminal.

A fidget spinner is originally a weapon used by pirate ninjas in the War of 1812 to gain loot during wartime. The fidget spinner was originally shaped like a shuriken, they first spin it, and throw it. That unleashed havoc and caused the Canadians to win the war, as they never could when they were using hockey sticks. A few issues pirate ninjas experienced with the fidget spinners as weapons was that they didn't return to the thrower the way the boomerang does.

The CIA also used the fidget spinner as a mental weapon, targeting degenerate high school kids by making them addicted to them, resulting in suicide and, worse, making them look like absolute morons. The first batch of these weapons was tested but failed miserably as the teachers banned them in class. The fidget spinner project was shut down and never went public again, until very recently.

But in 2010, the Russians hacked the CIA database, rediscovered the project, and stole it in order to make every single American addicted to destroy America. They also found out the previous failure of the fidget spinner, and improved it by changing the design and spin time. They also attempted to make a fidget spinner out of cars to drop on Washington, but this audacious plan failed. Instead they now use chinese-manufacture six-side spinners in air strikes against the Syrians.

As of June 8, 2017, over 21 people have been murdered by persons wielding fidget spinners. In places like New Jersey, Florida, and high school, fidget spinner murders are quite common. Because of this, the CIA has considered banning fidget spinners across the United States of America.

Lately, police have reported a growing number of paedophiles using fidget spinners to lure in children. Reports from Maryland indicate that 33 children were abducted by being promised a free fidget spinner.

The fidget spinner has also been useful in committing suicide. As it is able to cut through human skin with relative ease, you can spin a fidget spinner at your throat or wrists, and you will be killed. There have been 13 fidget-spinner related suicide cases. Since it is also the perfect size to fit in one's throat, it has seen a recent rise in swallowings.

edit Fidget spinners and astrophysics

The fidget spinner was largely unknown to science until a second year student at the University of Eastern Baluchistan became permanently hypnotized when he unwittingly achieved the speed of 2442 RPM. At this speed, the cortical beta waves become locked to the rotation and provide a motor output that keeps the spinner in the correct range. Upon noticing that the student's behavior appeared normal except for a complete lack of response to any stimulus except the fidget spinner, Professor Onytikyaprotnumis realized that there something cosmic going on. He quickly filled three blackboards with undecipherable equations and declared that fidget spinners were the perfect model for black holes.

"You are seeing that here the spinner by its moving in the rotational mode has captured the attention of the student to the extent that even thought cannot escape the irresistible attraction. So it is that the spinner will draw other spinner zombies into its rotational field, collapsing the minds of its power sources until they are infinitely dense. Eventually I am certain that the accumulation of infinitely dense people will lead to a singularity that will destroy the people. This will cause the spinners to release all of their energy in a Big Bang."

Professor Onytikyaprotnumis is currently being cared for in the Eastern Baluchistan Center for the Treatment of Fidgets, where Systematic Deceleration has been successfully applied as a treatment for sufferers of this and similar conditions.

edit See also

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