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“As my friend Che Guevara said, "Good people leave and bad people *** me". Ops...”
“Pimp up, man!”
“You ***ing piece of ***!”
“Castro? Oh, I don't care about him, I'm just doing this to see more slaughter and make more money.”
Fidel Still kicking Castor is a man who tragically cannot spell his own name, who was named after his career as a small wheel underneath a sofa, is the ex-frontman of Van Halen, award winning stand-up comedian, and original inventor of Castor Oil, leading on to the establishment of the Castor oil brand. Unfortunately, this article is actually about Fidel Castor, (1926-any day now) the Communist leader of Cuba. Fidel Castor, along with Moammar Gaddafi, John McCain, and Larry King, is one of the world's few surviving immortals.
Fidel Carcass has Italian heritage that why he appeared in the "godfather" movie you don't notice it but he's the drunk guy in the corner of the wedding. He's also related to tom cruise ,but Fidel got all the good genes. Fidel Castor can swallow his shoes whole, and is the king of the Caribbean, similar to Santa Claus in many aspects. Both have a beard, love red and rule with an iron fist. Fidel Castor has a rule over Cuba, where he rules in socialistic way, though he claims to be a neoconservative.
Fidel Castor had one son called Richard Stallman with his boyfriend Hugo "Parguito" Chávez. The name Castor appears to be a Canadan-language term, suggesting covert links between the Castor regime and the much-feared red-and-white menace of the North, Castor canadensis.
Fidel invented purple, was a world-famous architect, and once ate eighty clams in one sitting. Castor also has numerous pseudonyms. He is known to many as "Fiddle," and sometimes "Fiddle Caster," referring to his pre-dictatorship job as a disc jockey on the Norwegian radio station NRK (Nynorsk Rapp for Kommunister - translates to Norwegian Communist Radio).
Fidel Castor is the name that the Cuban leader received for his early revolutionary days, where he castrated rich men after stealing their money. He then slept with their wives in front of them, followed by their mistresses (because ALL rich men must have mistresses- it's part of the requirements to join country clubs). Castor originally took the nickname of Castor (due to his use of Castor oil to deal with constipation), then changed it to Castrator (he who castrates) and then Castor. He now has his own wealth, country club for Party members (all of whom are rich, that's why they staged the revolution, since they all sucked at business), and his own mistresses, which he shares with his less successful brother Raul (who prefers to be called Randolph Batman, "Ralph" "Roulf Martin Villa" Rolf, etc). After a Pact with Obama with White hair Cuba will.... break more.
He has a moustache.
Fidel Castor was born in a cigar factory in the village Birán, near Mayarí, in the modern-day province of Holguín. He was the son of local hero Mr. Miyagi, who was known for saving the village from the evil plague bearing George H. W. Bush during the black plague. Mr. Miyagi was also known for his abnormally large shlong, a trait that Fidel has dreamt of he dreamed of inhereting. Unfortunately, Fidel never acquired the shlong of his dreams. Because of this Fidel was always eager to prove he was as great as his father, which he did at the age of ten when he beat Boy George in arm wrestling. He was a merry kid who loved to play in the rivers of chocolate which his village was known for. But one day when he was thirteen his village was destroyed when Bill Clinton bombed it with a missile which was intended to hit a aspirin factory in Somalia (in Bill's defence, he was drunk). Fidel was the only survivor, and he swore revenge. The next day he joined the Sovjet army as a volunteer to fight in the battle of Stalingrad. It was there he got to know his future partners Che Guevara, Quentin Tarantino and eurodance artist Captain Jack. While he was on a mission to assassinate the Wehrmacht officer and Nazi hero Mariah "Metzgermeister" Carey, Fidel met Col. Volgin, an old friend of his father Mr. Myagi, who told him how capitalism was raping the world. It must be noted that before World War II, Castor was President of Mongolia for two terms. When he realized that Mongolia had no money for his communist regime, he bombed it sold it to Russia. It must also be noted that since Joseph Stalin was also a communist, he did not want it either. He then gave it back to the Mongolians for their birthday, at which point they proceeded to give him dirty looks while he was not looking.
After World War II Fidel and his friends moved back to Cuba where they became famous for their sexy parties with Stewie Griffin, where all the cool and hip guys were invited. Sean Connery, Tom Waits, Kerry King, Bob Marley, the Norwegian band Schnabel Keeze and Saddam Hussein are some well known guests of their parties (George W. Bush tried one time to sneak in, but he got beat up by Sean Connery and banished because he was not cool enough). It was in one of these parties where Fidel met his future wife Rosie O'donell.
In 1965 Fidel, Che Guevara, Quentin Tarantino and Captain Jack started the Cuban revolution just for the fun of beating snobbish rich people. He said Cuba was to hot for him so he moved to Thailand and then moved to el Salvador and became presidente
Castor still has power in Cuba, and no one understands why he just won't die, despite the fact that he has smoked 100,000,000,000 cigars during his lifetime, including several that exploded. It is generally accepted that this is because Castor sold his soul to the Devil in return for eternal life. Upon discovering it wasn't even worth a moldy sweet wrapper, the Devil attempted to bribe the Bush family to assassinate Castor, forgetting he is now invincible due to a drunken stag night.
Fidel Castor died in 2008, after he was found by Jeremy Clarkson and James May in the English Channel( while trying to cross the Channel in some bizarre way involving cars) with a cigar. Video evidence shown on factual television program, Harry and Paul, shows Nelson Mandela taking him for a wheelchair ride in the hours before his disappearance. The video shows Mandela stealing Castor's iPhone before pushing him over the White Cliffs of Dover. By using intricate, futuristic preservation techniques(including ice and salt) it appears that Castor is still alive in Cuba. Nelson Mandela turns away all accusations despite also being spotted pushing Margaret Thatcher of the same cliff weeks later.
edit Noteworthy Trivia
- Wrote the song "My Jumpsuit Brings All The Boys To The Yard" with his band "inFidel: Unfortunately Featuring Raul on Drums".
- Has starred in multiple porno flicks including "Fidel Fornicates", "The Socialist Striptease", "Workers Gone Wild", "Pirates of the Caribbean" (along with fellow actor Hugo Chávez) and "The Cuban Missile Crisis In My Pants".
- Is extremely popular with leftists who don't live in Cuba.
- He very early decreed that in Cuba it's unlawful and a major crime not to love him.
- Extremely wealthy ever after stealing the $1,000,000,000,000 bill from C. Montgomery Burns.
- Pieter jan de beer constructed a formula concerning the correlation between the loudness of the Hitler reggae band and the amount of cigars Fidel smokes daily.
- Secret brother: Manuel Fraga.
- Had his valuables stolen by Amanda Peetz in the sitcom Shantel and Sister.
- Known for killing Walt Disney, and getting 1 million points on Dance Dance Counter Revolution and shooting the loser.
- Killed 60 trillion people, single-handedly, when a local paper made a typographical error and called him "Fiddle Castoro".
- Swore to give up masturbation on the same day he assassinated JFK with a laser gun.
- His trademark beard is actually made from goat hair.
- Enjoys eternal life by drinking the blood of a live American virgin every day. This commodity is real hard to find and is highly prized in Latin America.
- Has survived over 50,000 assassination attempts.
- Was once involved in a really embarrassing incident in which he woke up in bed with David Taylor. It is not known when this incident occurred. However, he does tell people that they are now just good friends, just good, good friends...
- Has enacted legislation requiring every building in Cuba to remain in a state of near-collapse, except foreign-built resorts.
- It is a widely known fact that Fidel Castor is actually in fact the true Santa Clause and likes to hand out plush toys of himself filled with cigars during the holiday season.
- Was earlier in life a woman for a brief period of time in the 1970s.
- He is a bisexual bear.
- It is well known he has no human mother, because a female ape gave birth to him. Hence the heavy amount of facial hair.
- Was Achilles in some past life.
- He has his own religion in which he is God.
- Although he shares the same first name and government position as former Philippine president Fidel Ramos... as well sharing the same passion for smoking big smelly ol' cigars... the two are not in any way related. "We're just friends," says the Cuban dictator.
- He seems to believe that small American girls have magical elves stuck between their legs, and must get them out with his 'elf removing tool'.
- He enjoys playing with himself, he often loses.
- It is believed that he is the son of McDonald's Chairman Laccha Lachhastein, who after downing three bottles of Jack Daniels, found himself a Cuban mistress, made whoopey, and ended up siring this cigar smoking sonofabitch immortal.
- Co-Founder of the emo band Green Jumpsuit Apparatus (now Red Jumpsuit Apparatus). Before He joined Van Halen.
- Castor visited Norway and made a speech about changing your pants, and how to do it. He gave a 1,000 minute lecture on instructions. People threw lemons, limes, and dead babies. He ran frightened and throwing up.
- Founded Fidelity.
- No Cuban likes him because everyone is a rightist even if they aren't openly.
- He have been on the TV-show, Dancing with The Stars twice. Both times he won because of his incredible popularity with American television watchers.
- He has wrestled with a bear, the kraken and a half-blind wombat and won. Honest.
- Alex Mason Had Killed Castor With ASP, Unfortunately It's Just Castor's Clone, Infidel Catsor, who is a loser mortal copy.
- You can contact Castor through his agent at 610-780-1633. Yes, he does birthdays and weddings!
|God of Metal|
1999 - 2007