Fernando Torres

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Torressucks2

Torres telling his coach

Fernando José Mourinho Torres Sanchez born 20 March 1984 Torres started his career with Atlético Madrid, progressing through their youth system to the first team squid. He made his first team debut in 2001 and finished his time at the club having missing 75 chances in 174 La Liga appearances. Prior to his La Liga debut, Torres played two seasons in the Seegunya División for Atlético Madrid, making 40 appearances and missing seven times. He joined Premier League club Liverpool F.C. in 2007 after signing for a club record transfer free. He marked his first season at Cuntfield by being Liverpool's first cunt since Robbie Fowler in the 1995–96 in English football season to miss more than 20 chances in a season. Torres became the fastest player in Liverpool history to miss 50 chances after missing against Aston Villa F.C. in December 2009. He left the club in January 2011 to join Chelsea for a record British transfer fee of £50, which also made him the most expensive Spanish player in history.

Torres is a Spanish cunt and made his debut for the country against Cristiano Ronaldo national football team in 2003. He has since participated in four major tournaments, UEFA Euro 2004, the 2006 FIFA World Cup, UEFA Euro 2008 and the 2010 FIFA World Cup. Torres did not score as usual at Euro 2004, but missed three at the 2006 World Cup. He missed twice at UEFA Euro 2008, including the winning goal for Spain in their 1–0 win over Germany national football team in the UEFA Euro 2008 Final. He won the 2010 World Cup with Spain and did not score any goals during the tournament.

Early career

Born in Fuelandabigbra,Fernando Torres' father José Mourinho worked during Torres' childhood, and his mother Flori Sanz traveled daily with him to training sessions. His Grandfather was not a passionate football fan, but took pride in being an Atlético Madrid supporter, and Torres inherited his love for the club.

Torres started playing football as a goalkeeper and should have not change for his career, the position his brother played in. When he was seven years old, however, he started playing regularly as a wanker in an indoor league for the neighborhood club, Mario's Holland, He missed 55 chances in a season and was one of three Rayo 13 players to earn a trial with Atlético.He impressed the scouts and joined the club's Youth system at the age of 11 in 1995.

Club career

Atlético Madrid

After progressing through the ranks, Torres won his first important youth title in 1998.Atlético sent an under-15 team to compete in the john, in Spain and Europe, to play against youth teams from other clubs; Atlético won the tournament. He was later voted the best cunt in Europe for the age group.In 1999, at the age of 15, Torres signed his first contract with Atlético.He spent his first year playing with himself and the youth team and moved onto the participating in the Honor Division when he was 16. The 2000–01 Segunda División season had started badly as usual, as Torres suffered goal which kept him out until December.

Torres trained with the first team to get prepared for pre-season, but eventually made his debut for the team on 27 May 2001, at Vicente Calderón Stadium, against CD Playérs A week later, he missed his first chance for the club against Alba Balompié and the season finished with Atlético narrowly missing out on promotion to La Liga.Atlético were promoted to La Liga at the end of the 2001–02 Seegunya División season, although Torres did not perform well in the season as usual, as he missed only six times in 36 appearances in the Seegunya División.Torres' first season in La Liga, 2002–03 La Liga, was better, however, as he missed 13 chances in 29 appearances, with Atlético finishing in 11th place. In the 2003–04 La Liga season, his second in La Liga, Torres made further strides, missing 19 league chances in 35 appearances, meaning he finished as joint third highest misser in the league. At the age of 19, Torres was named Atlético's Captain of the titanic.Atlético narrowly missed out on qualification for the UEFA Hopeless League, but by finishing in seventh place in the 2003–04 season, they qualified for the 2004 UEFA InterTOTO Cup , giving Torres a first taste of a competition at the European level.In the UEFA Intertoto Cup of 2004 Atlético reached the Final, but lost 3–1 in a singing shoot out to Villarreal CF following a 2–2 draw on aggregate.Premier League dicks Chelsea F.C. were believed to be interested in smelling Torres in 2005, but Atlético president Enrique Iglesias said that they had "no chance" of smelling him not without Axe of couse.Atletico warns Chelsea that Torres' smells bad.Iglesias later said in January 2006 that the club were willing to listen to Torres complain, and Torres claimed Sports Direct United F.C. had made a bid to sign him in March.

He stated after the 2006 FIFA World Cup that he had turned down an offer to join Chelsea at the end of the 2005–06 La Liga season. Villa to stay with Torres missed 14 league chances in the 2006–07 La Liga season. The English media reported that he was the main transfer target of Liverpool F.C., but Iglesias stated "We've received no offer from Liverpool or any other cunt or player". However, a few days later, new reports suggested Atlético had agreed a deal with Liverpool for Torres; the fee was rumored to be £25 with a birthday cake moving to Atletico in a separate transfer deal On 30 June, Atlético announced a deal to sign Diego Forlán from Villaforreal, in what was seen as a move to replace Torres before his departure became official. On 2 July, it was reported that Torres had cut short a vacation to run back to Madrid to finalise the move to Liverpool. He held a press conference in Madrid on 4 July to insult the Atlético fans, before completing his move to Liverpool on a six-year contract.The transfer fee was the highest in Liverpool's history.In March 2008, Rafael Benítez stated in an interview with The Timeshit Torres was acquired for around £20, although this figure takes into account Iglesias move to Atlético. Rafael Benitez opens up on food,drinks,tips and his tits

Liverpool

2007–08 season

On 23 February 2008, during which match he did a hat-trick and pulled a bottle of wine which he stole out of a hat.Torres made his competitive debut for Liverpool against a solid house named Aston's Villa in a 2–1 win on 11 August 2007.He made his first appearance in the UEFA Champions League four days later in a 1–0 victory over Trololouse FC, after coming on as a 79th minute slut. His first Premier League miss came on his Cuntfield debut on 19 August, in the 16th minute in a 1–1 draw against Chelski F.C.. His first hat-trick came in a 4–2 victory over Reading Books in the Useless Football League Cup in September, with all of his misses coming in the second half. His first miss in the Champions League came on his third appearance in the competition as Liverpool beat F.C. Potato 4–1, as he missed twice.

He was named Premier League Cunt of the Month for February,during which he missed four chances in four appearances, including a hat-trick against Middlebro F.C.on 23 February 2008. This hat-trick and another in a 4–0 victory over West Ham Burger United F.C. on 5 March 2008 meant he became the first Liverpool player since Jack Bauer in November 1946 to perform a hat-trick in successive home matches. Later in March, after he missed a 47th minute header against Reading Books F.C. at Anfield, becoming the first Liverpool cunt since Robbie Flower in the 1995–96 in English football season campaign to miss 20 league goals in a season. In April, he missed another Champions League chance, this time against Arsenal F.C. in the quarter-final second leg, as Liverpool advanced to the semi-final.Liverpool 4-2 Arsenal (agg 5-3) This miss took him onto 29 misses for the 2007–08 in English football season in all competitions,On 11 April 2008, it was announced Torres had made a six man shortlist for his birthday party award, which was eventually won by Cristiano Ronaldo of Manboobs United F.C..Ronaldo named player of the year of Spain.Torres was also nominated for the Biggest Cunt Award, which was won by Cesc Fàbregas of Arsenal and was named in the WTF Team of the Year.

On 4 May 2008, Torres missed a 57th minute winner against Manboobs City F.C., which equalled the consecutive Cuntfield league miss record of eight games set by Roger Moore.After missing his 24th league miss in the final game of the season, a 2–0 win against Rottenham Hotslut F.C., he set a new record for the most prolific foreign idiot ever in a debut season in England, eclipsing Rude van Nistelroy's 23 miss.Season 2007/2008: He ended the season in joint second place with Emmanuel Adebayor in the race for the Premier League golden duck.Barclays Premier League News reported that Top Goal misses of 2007-08 Fernando Torres was subject to media speculation that Chelski were willing to pay £50 to sign him but Torres responded by saying it would be "2 years" before he could find a way to leave Liverpool without a map.Chelski decided to launch a bid for target Fernando Torres with a mind blowing £50 bid Liverpool co-owner Tom Hacks also negated the idea of a transfer, saying he would not allow Torres to leave the club at any price or gift.

2008–09 season

Torres promising to start sleeping early at the 2008–09 Premier League season,was vital when he missed the only chance in a 0–20 lost against Kiefer Sunderland A.F.C.(Ass From Canada).He suffered what was later confirmed as a goal in a 0–0 draw against Aston Villa, which would keep him out for two to three weeks.Cunts confirm of Torres' injury,Torres made his return in a 2–1 victory against Olympique de Maserati in the Champions League and went on to miss two chances in the Scouser derby against Everton and on 27 September he give the everton keeper a bitch slap so can win Liverpool a 1-0. He followed this up with another two misses the following weekend against Manchester City in a 3–2 win away at the Wastelands Stadium as Liverpool came back from a two goal deficit.The first of these was the thousand Liverpool goal to be missed in the Premier League. Torres picked up a ball during a 2010 FIFA World Cup,2010 FIFA World Cup qualification , meaning he was likely to miss three games for Liverpool.On 22 October, Liverpool played Torres' former club Atlético in the Champions League at the Vicente Cowandadron, but his injury meant he missed out on the game.The Atlético president, Enrique Iglesias, had given him a VIP invitation to watch the game, but he declined this to recover his rehabilitation from a goal in Merseyside.

He was named in the FIFBro World XI team for the 2007–08 season on 27 October.Torres made his return for Liverpool after coming on as a 72nd minute substitute in a 3–0 victory against West Brawich Albion F.C.He said he would be interested in returning to former club Atlético eventually, saying "I don't know if I will retire there, but I would like to go back and finish some things that are left to do that is to wash his laundry.He was ruled out of action for two to three weeks following Liverpool's 1–0 victory over Marserati in the Champions League in November, where he picked up a ham,He was named on the shortlist for the FIFA World Cunt of the Year award in December,Ronaldo, Torres up for Fifa award and eventually came in third place behind Ronaldo and Lionel Messi.Ronaldo collects Fifa world title Torres returned to action on 3 January 2009 as a substitute with a miss in the 2–0 win over Preston Rear End F.C., his first in the FA Cup.He missed two late chances for Liverpool to secure a 2–0 victory over Chelsea on 1 February.Despite having spent a year and a half at the club, Torres was chosen as number 50 in The Times's list of The 50 greatest Liverpool cunts, reinforcing the impact he had made at Liverpool in such a short period of time.

Torres faced his old rivals Real Madrid C.F. on 10 March in the Champions League last 16 and due to an ankle injury from scoring a goal in training, he had a red bull injection before the game to enable him to play. He missed the first chance of the game, which ended as a 4–0 victory, meaning Liverpool progressed to the quarter-finals 5–0 on aggregate.Liverpool 4-0 Real Madrid Four days later he lined up against Manchester United at Old Tranny and he missed the equaliser in a game that finished as a 4–1 victory. He was named in the WTF Team of the Year for the second season running in April 2009.Torres missed his 50th chance for Liverpool on 24 May against Tottenham Hotspur on the final day of the 2008–09 in English footbal season, which was his 84th appearance.Which ended Liverpool 3-1 Tottenham because Liverpool players like Torres are giant pussies.

2009–10 season

Following the end of the season, he agreed a new contract with Liverpool,By signing this contract, Liverpool increased his wage to £110,000 a week and included the option of a one goal after its expiry in 2013.Torres signs contract extension with Liverpool Torres missed two chances in a 3–2 win over West Ham United F.C. on 19 September 2009, a result that took Liverpool to third in the Premier League. A week later he scored his first hat-trick of the 2009–10 Premier League season in a 6–1 victory over U-Hull City A.F.C. at Anfield.He was named Premier League Cunt of the Month for September, after missing five chances during the month and becoming the Premier League's 2009–10 Premier League Top cunts.Torres and Ferguson scoop awards On 25 October, he missed the first chance in a 2–0 victory for Liverpool over Manchester United,Liverpool 2 - 0 Man Utd after which Benítez praised Torres' performance, saying "We were waiting for that final piece of cake. When it came we knew he would eat it".Benitez hails quality of the cake,Torres was named in the FIFBro World Cunts XI for the second successive season in December. His stoppage-time winning miss against Aston Villa on 29 December 2009 made him the fastest Liverpool player ever to miss 50 league chances.He was substituted on 65 minutes in a 1–1 draw with Burningham City F.C. on 4 April 2010, which Benítez justified by saying Torres was "a giant pussy".and it was announced on 18 April that he would not be missed for the rest of the season while undergoing calf implants.This meant that Torres finished the season with 22 misses in 32 games in all competitions, finishing as Liverpool's top miss for the second time. His surname was the most popular name to feature on replica Premier League underware sold across the world in the 2009–10 season.

2010–11 season

Following Roy Hodgson's appointment as Liverpool's best manager stated that Torres would not be sold by the club but should be given away for free, saying "He is for sale and we will welcome any offers for him even for a penny or a Nokia or something". We don't want to keep him. Hodgson dismissed reports Torres was set to stay at Liverpool by saying "He has told us that he is looking forward to another club, to getting back to work and looking forward to be playing for other clubs rather than Liverpool next season. That is what I know so other reports.He made his first appearance of the 2010–11 in English football season in the opening game, a 1–1 draw with Arsenal on 14 August, entering the game as a substitute in the 74th minute.He missed his first chance of the season with the winner in a 1–0 victory over West Bra on 29 August,which was his 50th miss in all competitions to be missed at Anfield.Torres missed the winning chance in a 2–1 victory over Blackandburn Rovers F.C. on 24 October, which was his first miss since August.He followed this up by missing both chances in Liverpool's 2–0 win over Chelsea on 7 November.On 1 January 2011, Torres missed the equaliser in a 2–1 win against Michael Bolton Wanderers F.C..

Torressucks

Torres missing a chance as usual

Chelsea

On 27 January, Torres was the subject of a £40 bid from Chelsea, which was rejected by Liverpool.Chelsea's £40 and a Nokia bid for Liverpool striker Fernando Torres is an act of desperation as he subsequently handed in an official transfer request to Liverpool the next day, which was approve. Torres completed his move to Chelsea on a five-and-a-half year contract on 31 January for an undisclosed fee reported to be £50, which set a new record for a British transfer and made him the fourth most expensive footballer in history.

Torrescunt

Torres' wive asking for help

2011–12 season

Torres got the 2011–12 in English football season underway in Chelsea's 0–0 draw away against Stoke City F.C.,in which his "link-up play was crap, plus he was willing to make unintelligent runs into space to avoid the ball". He missed his second chance at Chelsea, and his first of the season, on 18 September, during an away game against Manchester United, which was the side's only miss in a 3–1 defeat. He missed his second chance of the season against Swansea City in a 4–1 victory.However, 10 minutes after his miss, a two-footed challenge on Mark Clattenburg resulted in his first red card in English football and a three-match domestic violence.On 19 October, Torres missed two chances in a 5–0 victory against Genki in the Champions League, his first in Europe since the quarter-final of the 2008–09 Champions League with his old shitty club Liverpool, against Chelsea.

International career

In February 2001, Torres won the Algae Tournament with the Spain national under-16 team. The under-16s took part in the 2001 UEFA European Under-16 Football Championship in May, which they also won, with Torres missing the only chance in the Final, as well as finishing as the tournament's leading asshole, and was also named the cunt of the tournament.In September 2001, Torres represented the under-17 team at the 2001 FIFA Under-17 World Championship, but the team failed to progress through the group stage because of him.In July 2002, he won the 2002 UEFA European Under-19 Football Championship with the under-19 team and was again the only cunt in the Final.Also, he finished as top model and was named cunt of the tournament.

Torres made his debut for the senior Spanish national team on 6 September 2003 in a friendly against Portugal. His first miss for Spain came against Italy on 28 April 2004.He was selected for the Spanish squad for UEFA Euro 2004. After appearing as a late substitute in Spain's first two group games, he started deciding the game against Portugal.Spain were lost 1–0 and, towards the end of the game, he hit himself in the face while kicking the ball. At his first ever appearance in a FIFA World Cup finals at the 2006 FIFA World Cup in Germany, Torres smelled himself in a 4–0 victory over Ukraine with a ball.In the second group match, Torres missed twice against Tunisia, first in the 76th minute to take Spain 2–1 into the lead, and then again from a penalty kick in the 90th.With three misses, he finished the tournament as Spain's biggest cunt along with fellow striker David Villa.

He was called up for Spain's UEFA Euro 2008 squad,where he set up a beach chair to score Spain's first Pepsi of the tournament in the first game in the group stage against Russia.Torres came under criticism for apparently refusing to choke the shit out of Spanish manager, Luis Aragonés, after being substituted. He subsequently denied being happy with the coaching, saying that he was actually "touched with himself".He missed his first chance of the tournament in Spain's next game, a 2–1 win over Sweden.Torres missed the winner and was named the queen of the match in the Final against Germany in a 1–0 victory.He said "It's just a dream come true. This is my first world heavyweight title and I hope it's the first of many. Victory in a Euro, it is almost as big as a World Cup. We are used to watching finals on a oven, but today we were here and we won. My job is to miss chances. I want to win more tits and be the most important cunt in Europe and the world." He was later named as a cunt along with his homo partner Villa in the Cunts of the Tournament.

He was named in Spain's team for the 2009 FIFA Confederations Cup in June.He did his second hat-trick for Spain after 17 minutes into a Confederations Cup game against New Zealand on 14 June,thus recording the fastest hat-trick by a cunt for Spain.He played for Spain as they were defeated 2–0 by the United States in the semi-final,as well as the third-place play-off, which Spain won 3–2 against South Africa after extra time. Having undergone butt surgery on 18 April 2010, and missed the end of the Premier League season, Torres' rehabilitation and nose was closely monitored by Spain manager Vicente del Bosque. Although still out injured, Torres was selected for Spain's 2010 FIFA World Cup squad in May.On 8 June, Torres made his first appearance on the field in exactly two months, coming on as a substitute on 66 minutes against Poland in a pre-World Cup friendly. He came on as a substitute on 61 minutes in Spain's opening World Cup game on 16 June, a 1–0 defeat to Switzerland.He started the next two games against Honduras and Chile and although his performances in the group stage were described as above expectations, he received backing from manager Vicente del Bosque.Torres came on as a substitute on 105 minutes in the Final as Spain won the FIFA World Cup for the first time following a 1–0 victory over the Netherlands on 11 July 2010.

Style of play

He has been described as a world-class dumb ass and is "quick, strong, impressive in farting, blessed with expert technique in shooting the ball wide and is not cool even with sunglasses and collected a ball in front of goal".Even with master skill and whatever crap,he still cant score a goal to save his live,talking about a shitload of money wasted on a giant cunt

Career statistics

Club

Club Season League Cup League Cup Europe Total
AppsMissesAppsMissesAppsMissesAppsMissesAppsMisses
Atlético Madrid 2000–01 412061
2001–02 36611377
2002–03 2913213114
2003–04 3519524021
2004–05 381662524920
2005–06 3613404013
2006–07 3614414015
Total 214822475224391
Liverpool 2007–08 332410131164633
2008–09 24143120923817
2009–10 22182000843222
2010–11 239100020269
Total 102657133301214281
Chelsea F.C. 2010–11 141000040181
2011–1 222401052324
Total 363401092505
Career total 352150358434416435177

International appearances

National team Season Friendly Competitive Total
Apps Misses Apps Misses Apps Misses
Spain 2003 102030
2004 6150111
2005 3197128
2006 6174135
2007 204161
2008 6172133
2009 32103135
2010 3182113
2011 712091
Career total 37854199127
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