Female Video Gamers
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|The humor in this article is male-centric. Females may find something else less chauvinistic to be a better choice.|
“OMG! Girls who play video games don't exist!”
“AWESOME, but yet, it is unheard of!!”
Though it was once thought that Female Video Gamers were just urban myths, it has recently been proven that they exist! This amazing discovery has led to the creation of a new scientific research projects such as "OMG, Hawt Gamr Chyx!", seeking to study these tempting creatures. Scientists have given the female video gamer species the scientific gamer name: grls. From here on, they will be referred to as grls.
edit Before grls
Before grls came along, most males just played games, and avoided any social interactions. The only ones who wanted to socialize were the gay males ("The Common Fag"). Manly game types such as FPS, and RTS were popular, but as soon as grls came along, girly game types like MMO and MMORPG became popular. These game types provided a home for all the newbie females entering gaming for the first time. They were quickly accepted into the gaming society, because nerds everywhere realized that they now had a one billionth of a percent chance of being laid.
Most sightings of the rare grls are in the World of Warcraft, and The Sims. While gaming online, it is a common mistake to confuse the sweet voice of a grl with the voice of a hormone-lacking, Mountain Dew drinking eleven year-old boy ("The Common N00b"). A "<3" symbol at the end of all a players messages is often a sign that the players is a grl. Well actually, it can be a sign of something else. To confirm if another player is really a grl, ask him or her to: "Turn on ur cam', so I can c if ur a Hawty." (Literally translated, this phrase means something along the lines of "I have no life, or access to pornography; please keep me going throughout the winter months.").
Confidence is key when approaching a "grl"; remember: You are intelligent and good-looking, and no grl in her right mind can turn you down.
- Example - How to be confident:
If you see someone whom you think is a grl, make sure you confidently tell everyone in your party, "Look there's a grl! Let's cyber with her!" The grl will really enjoy your company of you and the rest of your virgin nerd party. She'll probably even give you all e-sex. Then just for you (Yes, just for confident you!) she'll put on a Slave Leia Bikini and offer to be your sex slave for the rest of your life. Then you'll wake up and realize you fell asleep at your computer again. In addition to that, you accidentally raped your keyboard.
Most inexperienced male gamers who see a grl will immediately try to get e-sex from the grl. THIS IS A BAD IDEA! Your best hope to get e-laid is to go slowly and not offend the grl.
What you should not say to a grl:
- "hay a grl, lets cyber!!1"
- "Shouldn’t you be playing Barbie Horse Adventures?"
- "Go make me a sandwich."
- "U R HAWT, give me ur MYSPACE name. I want b ur bf."
- "Sho me ur b00bs on the cam!1!1!"
- "bitch, get back in the kitchen and make me a club sandwitch!!!"
Failure to follow these guidelines can make the grl:
- Run and hide
- Block you
- Report you
- Tell her boyfriend to PWN you!
If you can successfully make a comment to a grl, she will often reply with some comment on some way you can make the game easier for her. Though these seemingly innocent requests appear easy to answer, you should respond carefully. Listed below are sample responses from grls and explanations on how to react to them properly.
edit A MMORPG grl:
"Give me all your gold or I'll cry!"
You should immediately give her all your gold! Then tell her to follow you to a bank so you give her all the gold in you bank account. But don't stop there! Give her all your items: your sword, armor, shield, naked elf posters, and every item you can find. Then offer to be her slave and guide for the rest of eternity. If you're really smooth, you'll also offer to pay her monthly account fee. In the end, she might use the /flirt/ or /kiss/ command, and that will make it all worth the effort.
Beware! There are many items you should not give to a grl in an MMORPG:
- Anti-Chastity Belt (-100 Protection, +100 Charisma)
- Leaf Bikini of Immodesty (+100 Charisma, 100+ nerds wanting to be your boyfriend)
- STD *Staff of the Damned* (-100 Charisma)
- Invisible Bra (+2 Boobies)
Also, don't let the grl know you own any of these:
- Greasy Gloves of Master-Baiting (+100 Fishing)
- Lonely Farmer's Wand of Polymorph (+100 Happiness, -100 Social)
- PlayElf Magazine (+100 Happiness, -100 Social)
edit A FPS grl:
"Stand still so I can shoot you!"
Chances are grls won't be able to shoot you even at point blank range. This is because grls have horrible hand-eye coordination. One way to make her happy is to give her a melee weapon, and stand still as she hacks you to pieces. If she insists on shooting you then, stand still so she can try to shoot you. After she misses a few times, secretly drop a grenade next your feet so you blow yourself up. When she asks what happened, tell her that she got an "Uber Perfect Shot" (grls love the word "Uber") that killed you in one hit. If she is turned on by you, she'll probably make some comment on how "your gun's barrel is soooo big".
edit A Fighting grl:
"Stop touching my ass/breasts!"
First off, you should avoid using a female character, or she'll think you're a pervert. Next, if a grl sees you using any moves which hit her on her boobs, her ass or any other naughty place on her body, she will assume you are sexually assaulting her. This will greatly anger her, and from here on, she will assume that any attack or block you use is obscene in some way. Your only hope to please her is to just move back and forth, as she attacks you. One sure sign that she crushing on you is if she uses a "combo swift-handed grab-and-pull attack to the groin".
edit A RTS grl
"Look at my cute teddy bear guy. WTF! Why did you kill him? *cries*"
The most grl friendly RTS games are cute fantasy RTS (Like Warcraft III). The cute graphical designs of all the characters will make her want to play the game. Upon playing the game online, she will realize that she has no "micro" skill, and will lose horribly. PWNing her like a n00b will make her angry. But telling her that the game is about war strategy, and not about how cool or cute each character is will make her super angry. Your best hope is to... umm... just don't go after a RTS grl. Besides, they're all probably Korean anyways.
Congratulations if you have completed all the above steps. Your friendship with the grl will become the greatest gamer friendship of all time. Soon you'll you become best friends forever, and you'll want to meet said mystical female gamer. You'll go to a park, meet her, and instantly fall deeply in love... NOT! You'll get the park, find out it really was a 40-year-old male, and then he'll do things to you that are best not described.
“WTF! I told there was no such thing as female video gamers!”