Female
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“No woman, plain or pretty, has any common sense at all, sir. Common sense is the privilege of our sex.”
~ Oscar Wilde on women
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One of the most common of the human genders, the human female is generally much smaller than the human male and can be distinguished by a lack of facial hair and penis. Females may be discerned by the presence of developed breasts and a vagina or the sound of constant complaining.
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[edit] Biology
Historically, the female has been the more subservient gender owing to its lesser physical strength. However, they make up for this due to their superior intelligence and academic ability. They are also, despite what males think are better drivers as they are usually not the ones found dead with brain guts splattered all over the windscreen after a car accident. Due to the female's lack of a penis, they do not undergo puberty like a man and therefore are still disgusted at the thought of having sex and their voices never break, resulting in a whiny, high pitched sqeaky voice.
[edit] Pregnancy
Females are subject to pregnancy, a sexually transmitted disease, which is also a parasitic infection which normally lasts about 40 weeks and is characterized by weight gain, nausea, fatigue, extreme hunger, mood fluctuations, permanent vaginal dilation and stretch marks. On the plus side, the female experiences massive breast growth during the first infection but it's only a temporary enhancement before the disease's pathology leaves behind a pair of saggy, dangling tits. Women experience increased sex drive during the last stages of the disease but they are so fat and disgusting that only perverts and sickos find them attractive. Fortunately, this disease in non-communicable and only occurs in females who experience monthly vaginal bleeding, known as Menstruation.
[edit] Menstruation
Starting at the onset of puberty, females are cursed with a monthly vaginal bleeding that lasts until menopause - when women are far too ugly to consider having sex with them. This may make the vagina, already a breeding ground for millions of bacteria, unappealing to a male suitor; fortunately, by the time the male arrives at the vagina, he is either too drunk and/or horny to concern himself with such trivial matters as unexplained bleeding, mysterious lesions or a white-burning discharge. Menstruation is somehow caused by "eggs" dying in a woman's uterus which doesn't make any sense because women are neither chickens nor platypuses. This wild story is about as believable as the allegations that menstruation is a form of divine punishment because one female, thousands of years ago, corrupted a man in the garden of Eden. Forget about all those fairy tales and focus on how disgusting it would be if a man bled out his penis for a week every time a sperm cell died. Just like pregnancy, menstruation only affects women of breeding (or near breeding) age, making it extremely annoying because that's the only time men are physically attracted to women before they get old and ugly.
[edit] Queefs
The female vagina is known to fart on occasion. As you can imagine, this is quite disgusting unless you're a total deviant. To make matters worse, queefing can be caused by rigorous doggy-style sexual intercourse, which fills up the vagina with air. With every thrust and subsequent queef, a man is apt to lose his erection because only perverts get turned on by screwing a whoopie cushion.
[edit] Need to Sit Down to Pee
Females are totally unable to pee standing up without spraying urine over the place like a lawn sprinkler. This is due to only one of the numerous design flaws in the vagina. Women's bathrooms demand far more resources and space than men because they have to use toilets in order to urinate. Women must also wipe their genitalia with toilet paper after every successful urination attempt which wastes time and resources. It's estimated that 1000 acres of rainforest are destroyed every year to satiate the demand for toilet paper caused by female genitalia flaws. Since a female must always sit down to urinate, she will always insist that a man lift the toilet seat before relieving himself then lower the toilet seat back after he's finished. As a result the female does nothing to the toilet seat, while a man is expected to move it twice during every bathroom trip - all because a female lacks the mechanical skills to lower or raise the toilet seat on her own.
[edit] Fish-Scented Genitalia
Ew...
[edit] Dislike of Anal Penetration
Women are also noted for their utter refusal to allow their male partners to penetrate them anally. If and when a woman decides to have sex, they insist on having vaginal sex or none at all. It's commonly known that women don't like having sex for some reason, probably because their genitalia are so poorly constructed and they get intimidated by the sickening shape and allure of the penis. Females also lack the capacity to have orgasms half of the time. Seriously though, they can't achieve orgasm half of the time yet they insist on having vaginal sex for some reason.
[edit] The Solution
The only way to avoid the inherent evil of females and their genitalia is to have sex with shemales. The Shemale is a man's best option for a reasonable sex partner because:
- They are physically unable to get the pregnancy disease
- They don't menstruate
- They don't queef
- Penises don't smell
- They can stand while urinating
- They are enthusiastic about being anally penetrated.
There is a slight problem because they have a penis but most shemales actually want to keep their penises out of their sexual encounters as much as possible. The shemale penis should not be a threat to a man's sexuality as long as he's not secretly bisexual. As long as you're not tempted to play with a penis, you should have no trouble having sex with a shemale while remaining completely heterosexual.
