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The blowjob was a revolutionary invention and birth control method. It was discovered by Phil Ashio and T. Bagg in 1127.3 A.D. The purpose of the invention was for a male's mate (preferably a woman) to pleasure the male without any reprocussions. Often this "gift of the gods" was not given to the male by his mate, and was most often given from distributors (whores). Such a gift was not free though, so males often paid in stones which was used by the distributors to survive. In the modern days, such transactions are similar. The women who perform these tasks, are no longer called distributors. They are now called 'prostitutes', and are widely renowned around the world. Also, instead of stones, they are paid in legal tender, which can be used to buy almost anything in the country or area the currency is used such as celery, bicycles or even hard drugs.
Although there are not many repercussions for blowjobs, you always must consider the risks you are willing to take. Always remember, you are more likely to receive a disease by being the receiver (receiver as in taking the inserted foreign object in your mouth), and always remember, the inserters are less likely to receive a disease! By following the simple guidelines provided, you are on your way to a successful, and pleasurable blowjob:
- Avoid Bracefaces - If you are on the giving end of the blowjob, please do not have braces. You are making the blowjob more painful than pleasurable.
- Retainers - If you are giving and have a retainer take it out, nobody likes to choke, really.
- No Sharp Teeth - If you have sharp teeth, STOP RIGHT AWAY. If you accidentally close your jaws, you can bite the inserted object clean off. Causing rather painful shits for you over a 36 hour period.
- Condoms - Who the hell needs a condom if they're receiving a blowjob? Christ, use them for vaginas, not blowjobs.
- Anywhere - One of the benefits to blowjobs are they are almost un-noticeable anywhere you give or receive them. Although you can also have sex almost anywhere, blowjobs are the least conspicuous and are regularly enjoyed on public transport, mosques and rude people's bedrooms.
- Foreplay - Blowjobs can also be used for foreplay, which increases the sexual arousal of the receiver.
- Balls - Don't forget them.
Giving a blowjob is one of the best ways to give pleasure, so girls, keep sucking.
Although blowjobs were not popularized until 1929, there have been historical drawings located in caves in San Francisco indicating that blowjobs have been around for several million years. These early drawings show two men exerting themselves and becoming exhausted. To combat the exhaustion, they would provide each other with fresh air using the tube located on the other male. However, because the only thing straight people want from queers or bottom bandits is interior decorating advice, this process failed to catch on in mainstream society.
With the invention of pregnancy in 1945,
women bitches hos quickly realized that there could be other uses for blowjobs. Additionally, following the explosion in upscale clothing that only made women's asses look fatter, they found that simply reinflating the man after an expensive shopping spree was no longer sufficient. Early pioneers in the field of women's Bitches' rights such as Sarah Palin and Monica Lewinsky found that by pre-emptively inflating their man, they could do less blowing after upsetting their master.
War on Blowjobs
With the coronation of the God of Losers, Barack Obama, a War on Blowjobs was declared. Obama stated, "If that idiot Bill Clinton could get head in this office, then why can't I?". White House sources have yet to confirm or deny whether ex-president Geoff Bush was the receiver after several claims to that effect in the Washington Post. Following his declaration of war, elite teams of Power Rangers were dispatched to eliminate the Gore twins and Paris Hilton. To date, over 0.5 women have been infected with a secret anti-blowjob virus. To counter the effects of this, Pfizer created Viagra to help lift the spirits of men everywhere.
Recently focus has switched to the usage and application of the blowjob science to animals in the hope that this could afford cheaper IVF treatment for women using a turkey basting implement for completion. The horses and pigs are said to be particularly happy.
Atheism and Oral Sex
Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchen, Micheal Shermer and especially talk show host Bill Maher, respectively, enjoy giving blowjobs to their guest at shows and annual speaking events. They claim blowjobs are a "gift" from our evolutionary past and that we must therefore continue to follow suit in the evolutionary "tradition" of cock sucking and sperm consumption in order to ensure the advancement of the human genome.
Many individuals in atheism experience an identity crisis while receiving fellatio. This is because most atheist are trans-gendered bisexuals and struggle with two distinct and competing desires: 1) Having the desire to receive cunnilingus 2) Conversely having an inclination to receive a blow job. This awkward show of psychological events is wide spread and has yet to be publicly adressed. They often battle with a painful struggle of two simultaneously competing genders. This is particularly more pronounced in individuals who practice militant atheism.
Trans-sexualism Battle Syndrome (TSBS) is a common phenomenon which has seen exponential increases over the last decade. Though no empirical evidence is available at the moment that would validate the base cause for such instances, the likes of prominent atheist figures Bill Maher and Eugenie Scott may be the root driving force of this seemingly inexplicable phenomena.
Blowjobs and Marriage
In recent studies, it has been found that blowjobs in a failing marriage has reduced the number of divorces in America by 3.5 percent when performed correctly, but has also risen by 75 percent. The reason behind the increase of divorces is due to the fact that many men are being caught by their
wives bitch having this act performed on them by "freshmen" college girls sluts. The repercussion of this is believed to leave men castrated and alone and broke as fuck.
The typical married man tries to reason with his
life-long companion bitch by saying that she/he does not know how to give a good blowjob. But, unknown to the typical married man, their wife unpaid prostitute is more than likely to attend classes to improve their blowjob-giving skills and that the whores never mention the fact that they only ever get their teeth involved when they are married to the guy getting the blowjob. Blowjob instructors tend to be guys younger, hotter, less hairy and better paid than you a typical married man.