Fedor Emelianenko
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“In Soviet Russia This Guy Armbars YOU!”
~ Russian Reversal on Fedor
For those that know who Fedor is, he needs no introduction. For those who do not, please read on. Actually, even if you know who Fedor is, read on. Just keep reading either way, okay? This is the story of Fedor. The greatest man to ever live, except for that guy this website always mentions.
Contents |
[edit] Birth
Production of Fedor was started during World War II by the Crazy Russians in a remote, underground laboratory just outside of Moscow. Their plan was to create an army of "Fedors" in anticipation of the upcoming Cold War with the United States. Using DNA extracted from Fedor's predecessor, Ivan, the Crazy Russians worked endlessly to create the ultimate, emotionless, killing machine that would make the A-Bomb seem like a piñata filled with teddy bears. Scientists worked on the formula for over 30 years before finally performing a test run. On Christmas Day of 1975, the Crazy Russian Mafia quietly kidnapped and impregnated Jane Fonda with the Fedor test sperm. Nine months later on September 28, 1976, Fedor Drago was born in a small Ethiopian village. Jane Fonda was immediately executed and Fedor was taken back to Moscow to study the most ancient and deadliest forms of combat. However, things would not go as the Crazy Russians had planned.
[edit] Childhood
Fedor was a quick learner of both Sambo and Boxing, having mastered both by the age of four. This pleased the Crazy Russians but by the time Fedor was old enough to read, it became apparent that he was not the cold, calculating, killing machine that they had envisioned. Fedor refused to do the usual kitten killing exercises that were forced upon him, and would instead spend his free time drawing cute little animals in traditional Crazy Russian style. Later, it would be discovered that during insemination, a careless scientist forgot to remove his peanut butter and fluff sandwich from the testing area. The marshmallow-like substance had contaminated the Fedor formula, which explains Fedor's mushy personality and also his doughy appearance. The Crazy Russians, mortified at the young boy's lack of killer instinct, beheaded all living scientists who had worked on the project and sent the six year old Fedor out on the streets to fend for himself.
Fedor spent the better part of a year surviving by traveling from town to town, stealing food, and sneaking into barns or underneath porches for shelter. However, with the mid-winter snow beginning to sneak up on him, he could no longer take care of himself as the malnutrition and bitter cold had made him weak. Fedor collapsed from exhaustion outside a small Ukrainian village in the middle of a blizzard. When the blizzard subsided, a young Ukrainian couple walked by on their way to the market and found Fedor half-dead in the snow. Although they were realistically too poor to afford another child, they took pity on the young boy and decided to raise him as their own, giving him their last name of Emelianenko. Fedor would remain forever grateful to his adopted family.
His school years were mostly uneventful in comparison to the rest of the story, so we'll jump ahead to the year 1992, when Fedor's life would change once again.
[edit] Young Adulthood
The Crazy Russians had not completely forgotten about Fedor, but had convinced themselves that no six year old boy would survive the harsh streets by himself. That was until 1992, when the Crazy Russian Mafia kitten huffing ring was single-handedly brought down by a nameless young man described only as "The Iron Marshmallow." Knowing exactly who he was, the Crazy Russian government set up a plan to get rid of Fedor once and for all. Using secret globalist entities, the Crazy Russian government created an elaborate plot that would frame Fedor for the 1993 World Trade Center bombings in New York City. The plan worked. Soon, the CIA was banging on the door of the Emelianenko home. Fedor was not there, however, as he was out reading to the elderly. The CIA took Fedor's younger adopted brother, Aleksander, in Fedor's place. When Fedor came back and learned what had happened, he was devastated. Fedor left the Emelianenko home at the age of seventeen and did not return for years. Aleks was sent to Guantanamo Bay.
Fedor made his way out of Russia and into Croatia, performing in underground combat fighting tournaments and selling his artwork to make a small, but comfortable, living. Soon, he was given the opportunity to become the underground World Champion. His opponent was a devastating striker by the name of Mirko "CroCop" Filipovic. They fought for twenty-seven straight hours before Fedor was finally too much for Mirko. Mirko tapped out due to a mixture of internal bleeding, six broken ribs, four broken bones in his face, a punctured lung, and exhaustion. Fedor was the new underground champion. What Fedor did not know was that if the champion was defeated, he was imprisoned for life. After the fight, Mirko was taken to his prison cell and beaten by the spectators, as was the custom. Fedor took exception to this as he respected Mirko as a fellow fighter and helped Mirko escape the prison.
They soon learned that they were kindred spirits, as Mirko had also been an abandoned government experiment. Rather than making an army of CroCops, the Croatian government had planned to train and use Mirko as an assassin, figuring that nobody would suspect little ol’ Croatia of making a run to become a global superpower by secretly assassinating various international leaders. But like Fedor, Mirko was not emotionally equipped for the task, as he had a light sense of humor and preferred to protect the innocent. Fedor and Mirko soon realized they would need to get as far away from both governments as possible if they were to live. Together, they left the continent and traveled to Brazil.
In Brazil, Fedor and Mirko again made their living by fighting. During a promotional event put on by the Brazilian Top Team, they met up with two twins who excelled in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (aka BJJ) by the names of Antonio Rodrigo and Antonio Rogerio Nogueira. From the twins, Fedor and Mirko learned that they were "n00bs" because they did not refer to fighting as its proper term "Mixed Martial Arts" or "MMA" and were also mercilessly teased as "UFC Nuthuggers" when they confused the identical twins. They also learned how to defend against BJJ, which was greatly appreciated as both of them had lost every fight since entering Brazil due to triangle choke. Fedor, Mirko, and the Nogueiras spent the next several months the only way four single men in their early twenties know how - Brazilian whores, liquor, enough weed to choke a horse, and fighting. But Fedor and Mirko soon began to feel homesick. The four parted ways in 1997. Mirko went back to Croatia; Fedor back to Russia. The Nogueira twins naturally stayed with the Brazilian whores.
[edit] Epilogue
Rodrigo Nogueira was the first to debut in PRIDE, defeating everyone in a free-for-all via seven consecutive arm-bars, eight triangles, a knockout, a tap-out, one no show, and then three more arm-bars to become the Heavyweight Champion. Mirko soon followed after fighting a couple kick-boxing matches and going back to Croatia to get his own revenge on the Croatian government. Rogerio Nogueira made his debut on the same night as Mirko. Fedor soon followed the year after, eventually defeating his old friend Nogueira to take the Heavyweight Belt. He hasn’t let go of it since.
Don't bother asking any of these men to talk about what happened between them. Don't bother asking their true origins. Born in the Ukraine, my ass. But they'll never say a word. Not even to each other.
And in case anyone was wondering, the reason Fedor doesn’t smile a lot is because his smile causes all women who look at directly at it to have intense orgasms on sight. It gets very messy.
