Federation of Nations that hate Britain
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The Federation of Nations that Hate Britain
|Motto: "Go On Home British Soldiers"|
|Anthem: ""Fuck The Queen", by William Wallace |
|Official language(s)||Bad English|
|Leader of the FNTHB||Kim Jong-Ill|
|‑ President||Gerry Adams|
|National Hero(es)||William Wallace, Tom Clarke, The IRA|
|Whenever Britain decided to piss the world off (c 1098)|
|Currency||Euro-dollars, burned sterling and fucking useless Yen|
|Religion||"not fucking protestant anyway!"|
“I'm sure the Federation of Nations that hate Britain, and fish can co-exist quite peacefully.”
The Federation of Nations that Hate Britain is an international
terrorist organisation businessman's club, which operates out of one of four bases: Baghdad, Dublin, Washington DC, and Gotham City. The main aim of the organisation is to defeat the British in every possible way, from war (see: Iraq) to the Bi-Annual National Ping Pong Championships, held in Togo. While the FNTHB war efforts appear to have yielded success, the same cannot be said for the Ping Pong Championships. To date, the FNTHB have never won at ping pong. In a statement released an hour ago, the FNTBH leader, Gerry Adams announced that the organisation intends to "stay the course" and believes their troops will defeat the evil British ping pongers by the end of the year. It also seeks to provide freedom for those countries currently occupied by Britain: Ireland, Mallorca, Iraq, Afghanistan, Isle of Man, Sweden and Gondor, as well as those that used to be occupied by Britain (i.e.: just about every country ever.)
The FNTHB, originally the Federation of Nations that Hate England (FNTHE), originated somewhere in Scotland about the year 0001 when some tranny head of England decided to invade Scotland. This pissed the Scots off no end. Then the English banned alcohol consumption. This really pissed the Scots off. In an act of peaceful protest, the Irish showed their support for Scotland by going on a thirst strike. Roughly one million Irish people died of sobriety. Scotland and Ireland then established the FNTHE, and set about recruiting other countries sympathetic to their plight. Scotland, however, lost the fight and was pawned by the combined might of England, Wales and Cornwall, causing the foundation of Britain, and a new league to be born; the FNTHB. And so, history was born. However, according to some sources (namely the reputable Daily Mirror), the FNTHB tried to secure a weapons deal with the USA in 2004. Naturally, America was happy to hand over its weapons to the FNTHB. Irishmen fighting the British with WMDs is generally considered to be a good idea. Still bitter about the whole experience, Ireland has since joined the Federation of Nations that Hate both Britain and Britain's abnormally bad teeth (FNTHBATABT).
In 2006, Ireland passed the Presidency over to Iran. "We wish them luck in their quest to beat Britain" said the former Irish Presedent of the FNTHB. A source (believed to be a time travelling Marty McFly) came forth, indicating that Iran would indeed win the match, and that we should bet all our money on them. When the match was lost, it emerged that Marty was indeed a spy working for the Anti-FNTHB. He was later captured, and tortured to death.
As a result the FNTHB has become much more secretive in recent times. In a particularly covert operation, the organisation intends on kidnapping Tony Blair, pulling down his briefs, and laughing uproarously at his diminutive penis. While he is in a state of embarrasment, they will demand their aims be met within a week. He may be tortured by tickling and poking if the demands are not met. However, this plan is top secret, so we really shouldn't be telling anyone. In fact, just forget everything you just read.
edit Joining the FNTHB
Membership is free (once you pass the hazing rituals). When you join, you are given an exclusive FNTHB membership card, and a customized "I hate Britain" hat. There are, however, minimum entry requirements. For example, you must be able to swing a sack of doorknobs.
Members must supply their own:
- a) Money.
- b) Smart People.
- c) Legends.
On top of this, a country must participate in the Eurovision song contest and not vote for Britain three times, in order to join. Ireland choose to waive this requirement, and simply bomb London.
edit Known member states
There are a number of active member states, but no-one is quite sure of the number. The number is believed to be 24, but since Leonard Cohen banished the use of that number to Tartarus, everyone is a bit confused, really. Except me. Other member states don't count as proper countries, like the Vatican. Since 2001 a large number of Arab states have joined the FNTHB for reasons only a blind monkey on crack would fail to notice (see Iraq).
- Afganistan (since 1839)
- Aran Islands
- Argentina (since 1980)
- Canada (since 1914, they don't like getting dragged into a war)
- China (since 1842)
- Czech Republic (since 1938)
- Egypt (since 1882)
- France (since 1100)
- Iceland (since 1940)
- Iran (since 1872)
- Iraq (since 1917)
- Ireland (since Always)
- Japan (joined so China wouldn't feel left out)
- Libya (since 1970)
- New Zealand (since 1998, on account of all the British sheep-buggering jokes)
- North Korea
- Saudi Arabia (since 1918)
- Scotland (since 1600)
- Stupid British People who wandered into the wrong building and forgot to leave.
- USA (on and off since 1770)
- Everyone with a brain (Since the founding of Earth)
edit Prospective Member States
- Somalia (unconfirmed member)
- The Vatican (Will join, however, needs permission from the *Jesii Union).
- The Vatican't (Wants to join, but can't, or the Jesii will smite them)
- Jesusland (Can't join because of a Jesii Union dispute)
- Switzerland (Swiss franc stronger than the British pound and not in the E.U.)
edit Non-Member States
- Britain (Odd, being the self-deprecating nation it is)
- Australia (Standing beside their Queen)
- Poland (At least someone cared in 1939,or pretended to care,so they would have an excuse to declare war on Germany)
- Belgium (At least someone cared in 1914,see above)
- Greece (joined to help Britain against Irish actors portraying Greek heroes with Irish accents)
- ↑ The National Anthem of the FNTHB is Fuck the Queen by Cuban revolutionary William Wallace. Like all good anthems, no-body actually knows any of the words. However, the general subject matter is believed to be belong the lines of: “Prince Charles does the Queen up the arse la la la la," etc.