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The Fax machine, also called telefax by loosers and wannabies, (coming from the Latin Facsmilie), is a machine designed to transmit rapidly messages in the most annoying ways mankind could ever imagine. Considered by companies as a cheap and rapid way of sending unimportant and useless messages and the occasional worthless document, it was in reality a little machine from hell, with incredible sound capacities that could drive anyone mad. It was also know for sending unreadable messages many times, and it's ability to get paper stuck.
What is is, and how it looks like
Firstly, a fax is a plastic box containing wires and circuits assembled in a chaotic way, which enables it to malfunction in the most creative ways. It has a place where you put the paper, which engineers call paper input, and a place where the paper goes out, an unnamed place. On the right side, or sometimes left, depending on the person who build it, is a phone, that is used to speak to people. The origins of this feature are unknown, as every person (or faxma) having a fax has also a normal phone, rendering the feature useless. On the center of the machine is a set of buttons, some having numbers on them, other having words on them, and most having annoying drawings that are only understood by 12 year-olds and computer geeks (yes, like YOU!!). Finally, on the back of the machine there is a wire going from the machine to the wall, over which many unhappy users have tripped, thus enhancing the annoying effect of the machine.
The history of the fax machine is obscure, as many valuable documents were lost when a historian let his kids draw Pokemon's on them. But most people agree on the fact that it was invented by a moron that was smart enough to make companies believe it was useful, when in fact he created the fax in order to annoy every single person that would stand within 5 feet of the machine while it was receiving a message.
Shortly after the telephone was invented and sold to the common public, Franz A C Smile was looking for new ways of sending pranks to strangers and annoying them. The result of his work was beyond any of his expectations, as people would buy the machine.
Companies such as Brother or IBM saw the angering potential of the machine and so shortly they began to make worse and cheaper versions that the public seemed to like more.
The period of Fax Romanis. For a long period of time, made people angry all overt the word, often causing the user to curse in different languages, depending on the location. But the golden years of the fax were ended with the invention of a new, soundless communicating way, the email.
Decline of the Fax
The Email made a lot of people realize that the fax was in fact a joke, and that they had been victims for many many years. This lead to a revolution which historians with too much free time on their hands named the internet revolution. People began to send emails for no apparent reason, using the worse grammar possible in order to prove that is was readable, while the fax transformed any document is a series of confusing symbols, regardless of grammar or style.
But, a bunch of stubborn persons refused to use this new way, claiming it was too easy, and had very little chaotic potential. This group consisted of people who had never used a fax, or seen it at work, or rather heard it work.
Nowadays, the fax is seldom used as the scanner was invented, and since it was not funny anymore since the internet revolutions, many angering features have been removed, but the bloody cable going from the machine to the wall is still there. This period was also known as "One Last Fax"
How it works, and how it has achieved to make people go bonkers
Using a fax machine is, in theory, a simple affair. One puts the document in the paper input, let the machine scan the document, type the recipient's number and wait for the bleeping to stop.
Receiving a fax is easier, as it simply consist of just standing there and waiting for the plastic box to vomit the document.
The particularity of the fax is not its ability to send messages quickly, as any idiot could have invented a similar machine, but instead it is its annoying potential, as it was meant originally to be a joke. We will now see the many angering features of this evil box.
The first annoying feature of the fax comes with the box, or rather doesn't. Indeed, most of the time the fax has no manual telling you how to use it, or when it is present, the only languages available are Chinese and Malay, forcing the user to waste hours trying to figure out the machine. This was not on the originals plans, but companies such as IBM thought it would be funnier to add it.
Sending a fax
Sending a fax is a simple process that requires perseverance, patience and a bit of masochism. This is primarily caused by the fact that faxes likes to get paper jammed, and the more inaccessible the place, the better. This can lead to the loss of the document, being either damaged, or lost in the machine's internal organs.
Receiving a fax
Most of this machine's genius lies in the process of receiving the fax. This is caused by a loudspeaker, situated somewhere inside of it. When a fax is sent, the fax machine automatically turns on, and retransmits a series of bleeps to the people surrounding it, to tell them what the fax is about even before it is printed. Yet, nobody in this world is able to understand fax. The interesting feature of those beeps is their remarkable ability to cause the most painful migraines, adding physical pain to the process.
Once the bleeping has ceased, the printing process begins. It is widely believed that actual drums were mounted inside of some fax machines, but this could not be proved, as the devices suspected to contain this feature were destroyed by unhappy users. Also, another musical feature was a screeching device that would work while the document is being spited out in the most violent ways. This screeching has an outstanding capacity to irritate, and make people want to grab the damn machine and destroy it in the most horrible ways, but since they need the message that is being printed, the user is left frustrated.
Finally, once this process was finished, the user's anger would be duplicated by size when he would notice that the machine had rendered the message unreadable, because of the machine's poor scanning abilities, forcing the message to be sent once again, and repeating the painful process.
Since the machine was bought, there is no way to sue the company, and most stores would not take the fax machine back.
Where Fax machines can be found
- In an office
- At home
- In a box
- In your nightmares
- In a printer
- On a desk
- FedEx Kinko's
- In The Wildei
- In hell