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What goes on in Faversham stays in Faversham. Because nobody leaves Faversham

Faversham is a beautiful market town and civil parish in the Swale borough of Kent, England. The parish of Faversham grew up around a village of druids who were so unbelievably stoned all the time they were unable to comprehend the mediocrity of the place they lived in.

edit History

It has been rumoured that the town also evolved as a consequence of the overspill of the prison on Sheppey, however this is false; the prison was built specifically to accommodate the dense criminal population of Faversham, and was an alternative to the prison ships or 'Hulks', deemed unsuitable for the Faversham creek which is too saturated with shopping trolleys for any vessel to navigate.

During the war, Faversham was the only town in Britain not to come under blackout legislation. The local council thought this was for the best, thinking the German bombers might actually be doing them a favour. Not surprisingly, however, the Luftwaffe intended to preserve Faversham, seeing its high alcohol consumption as a drain on Britain's war effort.

In the olden days Faversham's Gunpowder Mills produced gunpowder but this stopped when a local baker ordered supplies from the wrong mill and baked buns with an explosive bite.

edit Cuban Annexation

In the late 2000s, the Faversham council airlifted a church from Havana, Cuba, and brought it back to be placed in their market center. To Faversham's surprise, the president of Cuba and renowned revolutionary, Fidel Castro, was found inside the church they had just taken. He was very scared. The residents of Faversham immediately welcomed him to their town, and he soon began to take interest in the area's affairs and politics. In early 2010 he started a revoltuion and annexed Faversham from the United Kingdom and made it the latest state of Cuba. Although Castro prefers to stay in his native home of Cuba, he can often be seen making quaint visits to the town, dressed in his iconic green army fatigues. His last appearance was in April 2015, as he visited the local Tesco to try some of the famous Faversham cigars.

edit Demography


Due to the many TV appearances of residents, the town has earned the nickname of 'Jeremy Kyle's Waiting Room' also in honour of the mayor and representative of the town. Faversham is also in the Guiness book of world records as the town with the least accumulative number of teeth, something the locals proudly smile about.

Faversham has a high Catholic population, which has nothing to do with its families of drunk Irishmen, but more to do with the experience of living there being similar to purgatory. In fact, lost souls often mistakenly find themselves in the Catholic Church of Wetherspoons, so as to receive free wine and bread along with all the other 14 year olds.

The town has the lowest emigration rate nationally. This is because residents are too high to leave their sofas, let alone their houses, let alone their hometown. The furthest any migrant has travelled from Faversham is Whitstable, an event that received such jubilation in 1992 that a whole road was named after the event.

edit Faversham Complex

After visiting the town, many people suffer from 'Faversham complex', which is similar to Israel's 'messiah complex', only instead of a belief that they are the next great prophet, they hold the equally ridiculous belief that folk music is actually good.

edit Geography

Interestingly, no accurate maps of Faversham exist. Google maps use an aerial image of Faversham from 1975, due to the geostationary cloud of cigarette/spliff smoke that has remained over the town ever since, preventing any satellite imagery. Google streetview also does not work for Faversham, because the streetview team refused to risk driving through the area.

edit Traditions

Faversham is basically the definition of tradition; tradition being something that should have been wiped out long ago however remains in the present because a few people choose to hold on to it. Who these people are in Faversham's case is a mystery, however it is rumored that Dr.Dre, along with other ex members of N.W.A have founded PIFF (the Preservation Initiative & Fellowship of Faversham). This is due to the importance of the local cannabis horticulture, but also because of the groups nostalgic feelings for Faversham, reminding them of their first, less well known release 'Straight Outta Faversham'.

The traditions of Faversham have multiple cultural influences, and are more or less a pastiche of other traditions throughout the world. These include:

Faversham Cheese Rolling: Similar to the tradition of Gloucestershire. The townsfolk roll a huge cheese down a hill, and nobody chases after it because they are so baked. Instead the participants try to make clever, deep remarks about the cheese whilst gazing at it rolling away from them. The winner is the person who makes the deepest remark.

The Faversham Pamplona Encierro : Also nicknamed the 'chavalanche', this involves the careful breeding and nurturing of obese female teenagers throughout the year. On the 7th July, celebrating Mayor Jeremy Kyles birthday, the streets are cleared from the town centre to Faversham rec. Young male ASBO holders are given a head start before the thoroughbred chavettes are released. They rarely make it to the park, because they are so baked.

edit Education

Most attempts to bring education into Faversham have failed. However there are two main rival schools in the area these being Da Abbeeey skul and Queen Elizabeth's Grammer school for Shoplifters or just QEGS. The main battleground for the two 'school's' is currently Tesco formerly Iceland until all Da Abbeeey skul kids were permanently banned by the company's CEO. In battle QE gain the advantage when it comes to intelligence being able to set up traps and use the security staff to their advantage. Since the Da Abbeeey skul's kid warrior's can't speak English they lack coordination and any sort of strategy. However even their standard class warriors have issues such as ADHD and retardedness which enable them to carry on fighting when having their hollow heads bashed in. After leaving secondary school at 11 most of these children will find themselves living on the streets drinking monster energy drinks for the rest of their pointless lives.

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