Faux jousting

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Faux Jousting is a traditional sport of Mediocre Britain during the Middle Ages.

A brief history

Faux Jousting was established in Britain (or Brighton as it was then known) during the Turbot Wars of 1273 as a way of entertaining civilians whilst the menfolk were away fighting the Jordanese. Before the British Knights went to battle against the Jordan Knights it was felt necessary to put certain limits on the speed and violence of the sport so the following rules were put in place.

Rules

  1. ) No Horses – They were needed in battle. (For a short time donkeys and mules were used - hence the term “getting medieval on your ass”- however being the stubborn bastards that they are it took far too long to get started and women in general lost interest if nothing happened within five minutes. After which other animals were allowed)
  2. ) No Lances – Weapons were in short supply. (General household objects were used instead. Nothing too sharp either (which was deemed by some to be rather pointless). Forks with corks on the end were often used. Or wooden spoons. Or cheese graters
  3. ) No Foreigners

Decline

Near the end of the Renaissance, Faux Jousting proved immensely unpopular and the season came to an humiliating end with the infamous “World Series”. Only 3 participants bothered to turn up, and the victor of the first round won by default after Marjorie Antrobus’s “steed” Colin (her pet Irish Wolfhound) devoured Old John Hugbuckle’s team of Morrocan fighting kittens. This proved fatal for Colin as this variety of kitten was particularly potent. There was further controversy after it was established the winner, Crown Prince Wilhelm II of Norway was actually foreign. However they let him off for having nice legs.

Modern Faux Jousting

There have been attempts to reintroduce faux jousting or at least some form of it, most notably in the extreme Olympics. However, recent viewing figures place Faux Jousting 2nd from bottom in the sports and pastimes popularity stakes. Synchronised swimming always finishes last.

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