A brief history
Faux Jousting was established in Britain (or Brighton as it was then known) during the Turbot Wars of 1273 as a way of entertaining civilians whilst the menfolk were away fighting the Jordanese. Before the British Knights went to battle against the Jordan Knights it was felt necessary to put certain limits on the speed and violence of the sport so the following rules were put in place.
- ) No Horses – They were needed in battle. (For a short time donkeys and mules were used - hence the term “getting medieval on your ass”- however being the stubborn bastards that they are it took far too long to get started and women in general lost interest if nothing happened within five minutes. After which other animals were allowed)
- ) No Lances – Weapons were in short supply. (General household objects were used instead. Nothing too sharp either (which was deemed by some to be rather pointless). Forks with corks on the end were often used. Or wooden spoons. Or cheese graters
- ) No Foreigners
Near the end of the Renaissance, Faux Jousting proved immensely unpopular and the season came to an humiliating end with the infamous “World Series”. Only 3 participants bothered to turn up, and the victor of the first round won by default after Marjorie Antrobus’s “steed” Colin (her pet Irish Wolfhound) devoured Old John Hugbuckle’s team of Morrocan fighting kittens. This proved fatal for Colin as this variety of kitten was particularly potent. There was further controversy after it was established the winner, Crown Prince Wilhelm II of Norway was actually foreign. However they let him off for having nice legs.
Modern Faux Jousting
Although attempts to reintroduce faux jousting professionally have failed, most notably in the extreme Olympics where it placed 2nd to last in popularity (ahead of synchronized swimming), a recent urban resurgence has emerged from the Streets of San Francisco. The modern Faux Joust proceeds by a simple protocol.
Urban Street Faux Jousting Protocol
Step One - Identify your opponent and levy the challenge.
Any busy sidewalk in the city is perfect for a match, and there are many willing contenders! Simply lock eyes on your opponent to deliver the challenge. Acceptance is indicated by locking eyes back.
Step Two - Combat!
As you close in, move your head forward rapidly with eyes bugged out as if to shoot a laser from your forehead at your opponent's chest (making laser sounds is optional, but a sure sign of the experienced warrior). The first to successfully complete this step within a 2 meters proximity has won.
Step Three - Victory dance
Upon besting your opponent you must initiate the traditional victory dance by swinging your arms out horizontally, rapidly, and forcefully. Properly performed, the victory dance will cause the back of your hand on the passing side to contact the back of the head of your opponent.
Step Four - the cry of defeat
The bested jouster will accept your victory by crying an "urban joust prop" such as "What the fuck, you asshole," which translates roughly to the Olde English "Startling sir, your speed allowed me only to see your backside." Another common urban joust prop originated in the classic phrase "We shall meet again, on the field of battle, eye to eye," modernly, "I'm gonna mash you face in to the ground" spoken assertively in awe of your skill.
Step Five - Optional "Honoring the Victory" by the local constable
Should the SFPD witness your victory, they will honor you by approaching rapidly in a dual "prestige joust challenge" while ordering "Freeze" to the crowd around you so they will not interfere. A victor thus challenged should aim one eye at each officer and demonstrate superior talent by laser staring both simultaneously, one left, one right, while making laser sounds and running between them. They will radio command of your achievement and you will be hailed as "hero of the day" by the Chronicle.
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