From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“And lo; there she was, her hair glistening like mayonnaise in the pale moonlight, her very posture reminding him of elder days, of old Sæhrímnir on a plate with apple in mouth. He felt like he could eat her with roasted potato and barbecue sauce and finish with a chilled soave.”
“Holy ranch dressing, Fatman!”
Fatman is a superhero in MC Comics. He is a parody of the more well known superhero Batman, and created as part of an insidious scheme by Ronald McDonald and The Burger King as a way of "counteracting those slim ideals constantly seen in the Batman comics and others". He lives in Glutton City, a fictional locality in USA, where he is the city's foremost crimefighter.
edit History of the comics
The Fatman comics was created when McDonald's, Burger King, Pepsi, Coca-Cola and many other ultra-capitalistic international junk food companies joined forces and decided that the heroes and villains in modern comics were way too slim and might deter people from buying their disgusting junk food. Therefore they created a propaganda strip called "Fatman", about a morbidly obese superhero based in Glutton City and whose arch-enemy is the Jogger, a notorious health care promoter and dietitian gone mad who constantly tries to puts into motion new diabolic schemes to put the entire population of the city on a diet. The comic also deals with the supposed futility and emptiness of trying to live a healthy life, and that the only good way to get rid of a temptation is to succumb to it.
Whether there is any truth to this or not is not so important as the fact that this what the fast food giants obviously wants people to believe with their propaganda. Gotham City was replaced with "Glutton City", the Batmobile became the Fatmobile, the "Batarang" became the "Fatarang", used by Fatman not as a weapon, but simply as a tool to snatch hamburgers out of the hands of unsuspecting overeaters (often children) so that he may eat the hamburger himself, feeding his virtually bottomless abdomen with more nigh-inedible rotting organic matter. Some argue that the Fatman comic books is to blame for the near pandemic obesity that is spreading across the world, depicting massive overeating as the greatest thing since sliced bread. The poor Alfred Pennyworth became, instead of butler, Fatman's private cook, having to work day and night to supply Fatman with more and more fast food, and Vicki Vale became Vicki Whale.
Fatman was born Grease E. Swine on 29th February 1962, to a wealthy family, though his parents, named Thomas and Martha, died when he was young due to having been poisoned with radioactive tofu by an unknown assailant, later revealed to be the Jogger. His father had been the CEO of Swine Industries, the company that largely began the transformation of Glutton City into the Mecca of Morbidity and which Grease then inherited. He may have lost his parents, but he sure as hell did not lose his appetite. For Grease would now often take solace in comfort food, though he prefers to not use the term solace himself due to its articulated similarity with "salad". Fatman thus became fat (or to be honest, fatter) as a result of his never-ending appetite, and because his parents had had the money to buy mountains of irresistibly tasty food. By the age of 21 Fatman weighed in at a sweating 58 stone. One day his inherited family mansion was hit by a mysterious purple meteorite, which he only survived as a result of his great bulk. Scientists describe his survival being because, "for Grease it was more like being hit with a small pea rather than a meteorite. The fat bastard." It was the impact, and the alien substances from the meteor, that gave Fatman his special powers. The accident gave him strength, speed and agility that is vastly unproportional to what could be expected from your average 700+ pound overeater, alongside with several other abilities, all of which are described in the article.
Fatman has a side-kick, Blobbin, a juvenile hall snitch whom he took under his wing in his civilian identity of Grease Swine, revealing his alter ego to him and letting him become his tattle-taling side-kick, Blobbin the Boy Plunder, and Grease' adoptive daughter, Candy Cane, has also helped in fighting crime under the alias Fatgirl. His family's insurance company aided him in rebuilding the family mansion, bigger, fatter and better than ever. Due to his massive obesity, Fatman is legendary for his ability to snore at a decibel rate equaling a firing cannon, a whooping 140db or so! He sleeps in his Fatcave under the mansion complex, or else his snoring would be heard all the way to Glutton City. Luckily for his domestic workers however, Swine Industries are among the planet's top manufacturers of industrial sound isolation and noise reduction.
One day, while walking outside the mansion in the garden, Fatman's weight and density caused the ground outside the mansion to collapse, and he fell through a deep fissure in the earth. Due to his mass, he continued to fall through the entire crust of the earth, and even through the very core of the planet, eventually resurfacing from the uncontrollable reverse freefall on the opposite side of the planet, which turned out to be western Bhutan. There he began to study many different Asian martial arts until he was considered the best ultra-obese martial artist on the planet. After a few years of self-chosen exile, he returned to his mansion outside Glutton City and began to use his vast inherited fortune to model a new superhero identity. He named himself Fatman because of his identifying trait of being fat and used his resources to buy some funny gadgets and other stuff that he could use to fight criminals with. He's also been named "The Pork Blight" and "The Caped Confectioner" at times.
He made a vow to never kill, but on the other hand, he never made a vow to not eat the criminals, which he regularly does, often with butterscotch sauce. A popular plot device for the writers to retcon the villains back to life while avoiding breaking Fatman's vow of non-killing have followingly been to simply give Fatman diarrhea, even if half of the comic must unsurprisingly be censored when it happens. Fatman's first action as a superhero was to save a baby from a burning bush, though Fatman proceeded by eating the baby, and was given an ASBO as a result. Most notoriously, he is credited as having eaten Alexandra DeWitt, Kyle Rayner's late girlfriend, with zabaione and red wine as soon as he heard rumours that she had been found in a refrigerator (anything found in a refrigerator is fair game for Fatman), saying as an excuse "Mmmmmmm... women in refrigerators served cold with zabaione - my favourite meal ever!".
In an intercompany crossover, the comic book Batman #113 from February 1958 depicts Fatman teaming up with his slimmer counterpart Batman to take on the bad guys. He have also teamed up with Captain Selfish at one occasion, in which the Captain invited Fatman to a payed buffet at a restaurant whose owner had had the nerve to stretch his tongue out at Captain Selfish a few years ago (or so he claimed), which resulted in the bankruptcy of said restaurant after Fatman had eaten everything they had and more, just as Captain Selfish had hoped. However, Captain Selfish would not stop bullying Fatman over his weight and called him a fat pig, which Fatman responded to by trying to eat the captain, after which he departed in rage.
edit Glutton City
“A blue whale a day keeps the hunger away”
- ~ Classic Gluttonian proverb (original author unknown)
Fatman lives just outside the flourishing metropolis Glutton City, informally nicknamed as the Mecca of Morbidity, a happy city where there are at an average five dozen fast food restaurants per block, restaurants to which parents can take their beloved wee ones (who are anything but "wee" in Glutton City, if you know what we mean) to the closest restaurant to eat XXXXXXXXXL-sized pizzas and quintuple-layered hamburgers with extra cheese, containing immeasurable amounts of calories and trans-fats while still, despite the staggering amount of calories, having the nutritional value of Styrofoam. Those meals normally include breakfast, brunch, elevenses, lunch, banquet, buffet, supper and some other city-specific meals, all with that obligatory sugar-rich desert that just melts in your mouth. The average Gluttonian eats about 14 000 calories per day and is always hungry despite spending nearly the whole day eating and drinking (always some sort of Cola). People in Glutton City never works, but instead sit and eat junk food all day long.
The city is notorious for its alarming crime rate, as its citizens are constantly robbed while moving from one fast food restaurant to another. The citizens are generally too fat to run away from the criminals, and they always have lots of cash on them just to make sure that they can always afford that extra chocolate bar that can be so essential in ensuring that they can endure the long walk to the nearest fast food restaurant (which is often a whooping 50 meter away). The citizens of Glutton City make sure to always get some exercise every day; thus they walk back and forth to the refrigerator at least 20 times per day. The average Gluttonian has five teeth left due to the massive amounts of cola they drink every day. Every dentist in town has long since fled the city in panic, as has the dietitians, with the exception of the insane Jogger. The plentiful amount of pizza restaurants across the city are all owned by Jabba the Hutt, while Ronald McDonald and The Burger King each own one half of the hamburger chains. Glutton City is famous for containing Porkham Asylum, a mental institution where the authorities lock away anyone who believes that 1 + 1 does not equal "Fish" (a theorem proved by the Jogger at a time when he was still sane). This is in turn based upon the eldritch Arkham Asylum, the stygian facility where people who have foolishly read the Necronomicon to the end are being held.
edit Rogues gallery
Like Batman and his Gotham City, Fatman has made an enemy out of his own share of colorful evil-doers as well, many of whom have since been eaten.
- (click "hide" if you wish to collapse this section)
Fatman has numerous powers including:
- Bear hug - Fatman embraces any opponent with a tight squeeze and can easily suffocate them.
- Flab slap - Fatman can stretch out his arms and his flab will slap any villain or opponent to death.
- Great regurgitation - Fatman showers any opponent with semi-digested food through regurgitation, prohibiting them from any action for a short-period of time.
- Super bounce - Fatman's many protective layers of fat and nearly symmetrically ballshaped body gives him a superhuman ability to bounce of the ground dozens of times before landing when jumping from a high place rather than land directly, like a bouncy ball.
- Super bump - A variant of the super bounce, except that he uses his own body to cause opponents to bounce off him violently, either by running into them or waiting for them to charge towards him. The running into a person is highly remeniscient of a Sumo wrestling charge, which Fatman excels at.
- Super drink - Fatman can drink nearby lakes or water streams empty to quench the all-consuming thirst caused by the copious amounts of salt he consumes with his pommes frites and salted snacks every day, stopping any thug who tries to escape by sea. However, he can only perform this stunt after carbonating it and pouring in cola powder.
- Super fallover - Fatman can simply fall over, that is to say, throw himself to the ground in front of a target. Any villain, or anyone else for that matter, will be instantly crushed by his massive weight. However, it takes several hours and massive industrial cranes for Fatman to get back on his feet again, so he rarely pulls this one.
- Super burp - Fatman can, after swallowing a large amount of cola drinks, burp at a deafening level of 160 decibels, instantly breaking the eardrums of any criminal. However, this also break his own eardrums as well as those of other people around him, not to mention every piece of glass across the city due to the cataclysmic shockwave of his superburps.
- Super weight - Fatman can sit on, and suffocate any villain. A more preferable variant of the super fallover.
- Donut gun - Fatman can knock any villain unconscious by firing smoking hot donuts at them, giving them third degree burns.
- Super absorbation - Fatman can absorb any villain into his countless layers of fat, where they will suffocate and/or be crushed. Often this happens by accident, even to non-villains, after someone simply runs into him...
- Super diarrhea - He can flush away villains many miles by crapping on them after drinking laxatives. They will generally spend a whole year off panel in the comics trying to get themselves cleaned up, both physically and mentally, afterwards.
- Lightning fart - Fatman's farts have a super electrical charge which can strike down his opponents with one well aimed fart.
edit Fatman Interview
Fatman gave a rare interview to The Sun newspaper on 3rd April 2007. Fatman was quizzed on many personal matters, and in response to a question, claimed his greatest achievement was pitching his tent by himself on his Duke of Edinburgh's Award Bronze practice expedition, though he then had to sleep outside, as he could not fit in the tent, but used it instead to store his vast food supplies.
Within the interview Fatman admitted to having Jewish roots, and admitted he came out of retirement in 2001, for a brief period, to head al-Qaeda's Jewish wing and collaborated with Osama bin Laden himself. Fatman also claimed to have no knowledge at the time of al-Qaeda's terrorist activities, claiming, "I thought I was running the kosher department of Mr bin Laden's i take away service."
Fatman also claimed to have had a passionate affair with Jennifer Aniston, whilst she was still married to Brad Pitt, although Jennifer herself dismissed this as a faux pas where she had "simply mistaken [Fatman] for a bouncy castle".
edit Famous quotes from the comics
“To the Fatmobile, Blobbin!”
- ~ Fatman
“One day, Jogger, I am going to eat you... with whipped cream!”
- ~ Fatman
“So Blobbin, what shall we have for brunch today?”
- ~ Fatman
“A spaceship launching? No, that's just my stomach telling me it's time for lunch soon...”
- ~ Fatman
“Aaaaaahhhh... I haven't tasted a meal this delicious since so many minutes ago that I can't even count them on my two hands anymore!”
- ~ Fatman
“Uhhhh... sorry Vicki dear, but I don't have time for cinema tonight, as I'm going to... uhhhhh... work on my list of people I'm planning to eat in the nearest future, you see... ”
- ~ Fatman
“Blobbin, how many times must I tell you - nothing is an obstacle as long as you can eat your way through it!”
- ~ Fatman
edit See Also
- ↑ Roughly equaling 368 kilograms or 812 pounds.
- ↑ Although Gluttonians themselves like to use the humoristic term "Fatropolis".
- ↑ It's so rare in fact that only one case has ever been recorded in the history of the universe, although the exact opposite thing has happened quite a few times in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.