Faster-than-light

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Faster-than-light.

Faster than light (FTL) travel is a colloquialism for the mixture of ecstasy, LSD, cocaine and ether, popularized by the rock band Blind Melon in their song No Rain through the use of heavy lyrical metaphor.

Preparation

The most common way to FTL is to prepare it in a blender, adding a soft, porous base such as cotton candy or chewing gum to create a slop, or sauce.

  • The base is added to the blender, along with tequila (to taste), then the ecstasy tablets and the cocaine are added.
  • Blend for several hours, continuing to add tequila. Drink the tequila as the blending process takes place for better feng shui.
  • Float the LSD and ether on top.
  • Serve in a highball glass for dipping.
  • Consume with a cheeseburger, dipping the burger in the FTL au jus. (See also fondue)
  • Drink the remainder of the solution.
  • Curl up in fetal position and await the end of the universe.

In Pop Culture

  • The consumption process is often referred to as F-ing the L as part of a complete breakfast or on a cheeseburger, or a complete breakfast cheeseburger.
  • Contrary to popular belief, FTL does not mean Females Turning Lesbian.
  • William Hung's musical performances are all heavily under the influence of FTL.
  • Prince is writing a seven-act musical epic based on the life of William Hung, re-imagined in a Cockney dialect, from the point of view of late pedophile Michael Jackson.

The Taco Bell Cheeseburger Connection

Due to the raging popularity amongst Blind Melon fans, McDonalds began an ill-fated advertisement campaign using famous chihuahua Gidget Chipperton, best known for her work as the Taco Bell dog. The commercials were mistakenly thought to be Taco Bell ads. The campaign benefitted Taco Bell greatly, who for a time began selling cheeseburgers as well as Mexican-Inspired Cuisine. In response, McDonalds purchased Taco Bell. Under Ronald McDonald's direction, Gidget (a legendary method actor) F-ed the L the day of a shoot for a commercial. In a tragic turn of events, Gidget overdosed and was rushed to a veterinary clinic. Gidget's life would have been saved had there been an expert waiting...but the veterinarian was ironically out to lunch at Taco Bell at the time. She died several years later of natural causes. Natural causes are currently on trial for murder.

FTL Au Jus

A restaurant bearing this name in Portland recently opened in competition with the marijuana café. FTL Au Jus seems to be meeting with quietly constipated success, although record-keeping efforts are difficult under the influence of the drugs.

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