From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“This tastes like... I won't even go there!”
“This tastes like horse shit mixed with cow skeet! Grow a pair and say it Wilde!”
“Do you know what dog food tastes like? Do ya? It tastes just like it smells...delicious!”
“Would you like to try our EXTRA BIG ASS FRIES!?”
Fast food is a marketing term for imitation foodstuffs made from entirely synthetic ingredients. Since they contain no food, fast foods can be eaten by those who are fasting, that is, abstaining from food for religious reasons. Another name for fast food is America, or the United States.
Religious leaders agree widely that fast food is a boon to the faithful. The Pope adores the spongy, slippery texture of petroleum-based hamburgers, and has proclaimed fast-food maker Ronald McDonald a candidate for sainthood. Osama bin Laden has released videotapes in which he devours whole cans of Spam, proclaiming it to be second only to George W. Bush's manly member as an imitation meat product of the United States of America.
Ingredients and outgredients
Fast food can be made in imitation of any number of outgredients -- food products which are not included in the preparation. Meat, bread, garden hoses, spent fuel rods, baby brains, gasoline, good old american faeces, fruit, vegetables, and the sexual organs of various animals (such as the minx, cobra, or Tom Cruise) are among the outgredients of fast food. While it may seem to contain these substances, that is only a clever religious trickery -- similar to the liquefaction of the blood of San Gennaro, or the fact that no matter how many times you meet the Buddha on the road and kill him, he still has another wisecrack for you.
In contrast, the things that actually go into fast food are called ingrodients, because they are grody. Common ingrodients include mucus, petrol, cockfosters, sawdust, sod, nose grod, sputum, upminster, rocket fuel, condoms, crack, mudchute, fag-ends, sex pistols, scrap metal, pig iron, old hippie backpack buttons, nads, frags, frobs, bobs, boxes, foxes, furries, fabulous furries, freak brothers, mothers, Oedipus, passenger pigeons, fir trees, sebum, effluent, confluent, consilience, sesquipedalianism, Oscar Wilde, Japanese schoolgirls' used make-up, frogs, dogs, sprogs, Soylent Green, more sputum, more petrol, spam, spam, spam, spam, stale American beer, fresh Australian kangaroo fur, nuclear waste, fireballs, toenails, boomer bile, AIDS and cake.
And typically, the "special ingredient" in the "special sauce" is smegma.
Most employees are from another planet or are kids. Cheap labor is good. That's why kids are good. Employees spend their whole lives learning English and learning other American customs, like wiping with paper. Fast food industries offer many educational perks to their employees. For example, if you work there for 2 years, you'll be speaking as great of English as many of your co-workers. Burrito? Huh? This is what fast food companies like to call Huh immersion.
To be a qualified employee you need to know how long to set tomatoes out in the sun for to create "the secret sauce." Not everyone can do that so there are reality TV shows that help us out like "Tin Chef" where the winner gets to deep fry French fries the rest of their lives and learn how to say burrito properly. This show also appeared in other countries where the prize was to fry French fries the rest of you life but you get to learn to say burger properly.