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|Platform(s)||Xbox 360, Microsoft Windows, iTunes|
|Would Conan play it?||WHO WOULDN'T|
“what the fuck why is just travelling more dangerous than going on a mission!?”
This game was made the year between 2003 and 2005. It originally started in its design as a test by nVidia to see if they could get any graphics out of a Microsoft computer. Much to their surprise, it looked decent and they leased the graphics engine to Ubisoft so that they could make Barbie Island Home Simulator. Unfortunately, several of the programmers became too addicted to the game before it was done, so it was thrown out the window and turned into a shooter. When the developers started getting into a real state about the lack of motion blur they decided to make Crysis.The developers named this game after they heard a loud cry from a lavatory adjacent to their studio.Reportedly,it was Chewbacca's last cry after his last attempt to toss out a behemoth sized turd turned out to be futile.He died in the process.As a remembrance,the developers built a behemoth sized, turd shaped memorial which could be seen on a distant mountain in final boss stage of Far Cry. The sequel, far cry 2, was created when one of the developers of the first far cry got really high one night, and phoned all his friends saying "we should totally make a F**king sequel" he then decided to taunt his neighborhood grue, and was promptly eaten. His last words were reportedly "Oh Crap".
You play the game as Jack Carver, John Wayne's rebellious younger brother. To help with his antisocial behavior, John set up a blind date for Jack, to go with some girl named Valery he saw stepping on his grave. They had a romantic dinner on a boat near Micronesia. Unfortunately, a man on a nearby island mistook the boat to be a whale, so he shot a mortar at it. The boat was destroyed, but Jack and Val floated away to the island. Jack goes insane and starts killing everyone on the island. After the first 5 minutes of drooling over graphics, and the next 5 minutes of gameplay, Jack finds himself fighting off numerous crazed toad licking mercenaries, and soon after the toads themselves.
It soon becomes apparent that the evil Dr. Krieger has been experimenting on toads and finding new ways to increase their 'trippy' powers. Obviously the toads didn't like this (because it involved nasty big needles), and got together to do something about it. The toads formed a union under the name of Tri-gens against lickers, and appealed for their rights as a species to be able to go about their daily business and not have people jumping on them and licking them constantly.
Unfortunately, for the toads, this did not go so well as the mercenary leader Crowe just started licking them more and more. This was, for the toads, the final straw. They traded in their brains at the nearest wal-mart for some uber strength and super reflexes, and decided to go and 'whup some ass'.
The mercenaries still had plenty of normal toads in captivity and were addicted to them utterly. This is their reason for running around shouting "There he is!", "I'm gonna open a can of whup-ass on you!", and "AAAAAAAAAAARGGGHHH!" whilst standing completely still and shooting at bushes. All in all, this made the game rather easy from Jack's point of view, because he could let the tri-gens kill all the mercs, and if there were any trigens left, they would probably just initiate a staring contest with the end of his sniper rifle, always coming off the worse (although this never puts them off). As for any mercs he came across, well, they were all just high and would sooner throw a grenade at their own boat before doing any real damage.
edit Game Engine
The game uses a 460 cubic inch V8 engine from a 1974 Lincoln Continental to make a lot of noise and use up the worlds oil supplies while at the same time destroying the environment and eating puppies for a laugh. You probably don't care anyway, you just want to play it. This, however was not the original engine. Originally, the game was to run on a much more expensive engine that would have allowed for even more spectacular lighting effects, called Explosivo 12. This Engine was designed by Al Gore, and ran primarily off of vegetable oil and boiled eggs. The smell, however was too unforgiving, and the use of this engine was discontinued.
Everyone killed themselves while playing it, so I guess it killed babies.