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Homer

This is how you do it.

Masturbation is, by far, the most idiotic solo activity among people who attempt to deny doing it, though it does feel good. Depending on who your partner is, masturbation is the cheapest, simplest form of entertainment, and has recently crippled the board games market. Masturbation usually sounds like this: "Now, which nude chick should I jerk off to?"then you hear "FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP". An additional "FAP" means that he/she is in fact kitten huffing. Aside from occasional references on most CBS programs, masturbation is quite hidden in terms of popular culture. The Rolling Stones' Wankwankwankwank (sung to the tune of Paint it Black), for example, is one of the few songs which references masturbation, as, quite simply, no one wants to admit it.

While we're sure you ended up here entirely by accident, or maybe you are just a fucking loser, you might enjoy:

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