From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
edit So, I had an idea.
I was thinking, what if somehow, like, a monkey overlord from Elliott, Maine ascended from a fountain in Mumbai, and there was, like, an aura around the dude, you know? And then airplanes got loaded up with regular monkeys, and they were flown to the United Nations. Eventually, they would be given premium hotel accommodations.
A sudden international revival in 19th century Russian literature seizes lymphocytes of humanity, propelling a machine evolution as predicted by some futurists.
edit So I Saved Humans from Orcs
After this the humans pledge their loyalty to me, apparently, one of the train drivers had become a prophet during the orc siege of the central station, and had foretold my arrival. I am now the Brisbanite, savior of mankind and slayer of orcs.
so with my new title and band of lackeys, I organize them into a mobile force and head towards Indooroopilly.
the journey along the tracks is a perilous one, I'm pretty sure I saw a dragon, but I'm not a high enough level to kill one yet, so I told them to lay low. we defeated a few bands of roaming orcs and some giant beetles, but that’s about it.
We then arrived at Indooroopilly shopping center, only to find it besieged by orcs, the bastards! they had set up an array of tents in the park just below Indooroopilly center, from my viewpoint atop McDonald's, just behind the park, I could see they were building a catapult.
I gathered my men, who were now all very experienced woodsmen, well maybe I shouldn't call them that, they were Brisbane-men, they all knew the dangers of this new orc-infested world and they knew their way around. So I sent some men off to scout Indooroopilly. When they returned they reported that each entrance had been thoroughly blocked from the inside. I knew though, that the orcs newly built catapult would soon deal with that.
edit We did some Messiah things.
To some, the messiah things are informed by the Abrahamic religions. To fans of Frank Herbert, the word is in a book title. To those of us in the know (and I'm not talking about Rosicrucians, here, either), images of hyena bathing dance in our heads.
According to some religions (OK, maybe one religion), messianic revelations are privy only to those who bathe the hyena and hear the belch thereof.
edit And then...
I decided, being the brave and determined and practically invincible brisbanite, to face the orcs head-on, I ordered my men to charge into the ranks of orcs head first. My men and I fought bravely, my Aragorn sword scything through the orcs like weeds. But the pure numbers overwhelmed my men. Soon it was just me and a few good men fighting for our lives on McDonald’s rooftop, orcs surrounding us. I thought all was lost when an orcs blade flew through the air towards me at a speed I couldn't move fast enough to block, time stood still as I stood powerless watching my doom inch slowly towards me.
My salvation was heralded by the sound of a whistle and thud. The orc lay dead. I heard a battle cry, and I looked over my shoulder. A group of 100 strong humans crashed into the gathered orcs, a wedge formation of men fighting their way towards me. Renewed, I fought towards the unexpected reinforcements. Then I saw her. She was holding a longbow aloft, and arrows flew from her bow in a constant shower into the orcish horde. “who are you?” I asked. That was my first meeting with Sophie Hopkins.
After the battle was over, and the orcish siege was broken. The inhabitants of Indro Castle came out to meet us. After many thanks and greetings, we were all brought inside for a feast and good ol' fashioned party.
edit The battle was over and it was morn.
The next morning, there was a council of elders in the management levels of Indro. It was decided here, that there should be a move to forge together the powerless and scattered remnant of humankind into a force to be reckoned with.
And so, a group of 4 heroes of the light, set out from Indro castle, to spread the word of the last bastion of human resistance, in indro castle.
So, myself and 3 others set out. I was the sword-wielding warrior, protagonist, and leader of the party. Sophie was the semi courageous archer who doesn't like to get near the enemy when she kills them, and there were a wizard and a paladin. This was your average world saving group of heroes.
I was surprised and excited to find that magic had blossomed in the world since the day technology was destroyed. It was explained to me that in the void created by the loss of technology, the forces of the universe bestowed magic onto earth to fill the void. I was more than a little excited, This new power, magic, had to be available to be available to the mystical Brisbanite, savior of mankind and leader of the heroes of the light, all I had to do was learn how to use my dormant powers of mass destruction.
Fueled by my insatiable desire for power, I set a course for the newly founded, tower of magic. A place where those found with magical powers were raised and trained. Along the way, we would spread the word of indro and gather exp for our party. We soon became a very formidable group of heroes.
When we reached the tower of magic, we were all welcomed and given food and rest. During another council of the elders, I requested that the wizards provide assistance in any way they could to the indro movement.
The reply was awesome. I was promised a battalion of 50 extremely dangerous war wizards who would travel with my group back to indro. I was then tested for the gift, and surprise, I was the most magically powerful person they had ever met.
After a few months intense training, I was the most dangerous wizard in the tower. Friggin sweet. A few months were only enough time to barely tap my magical potential, but I was still awesomely powerful.
So, on the way back to indro castle, I didn't bother with stealth, even when I encountered large groups of about 500, me and my wizards just reaped through them with our magical awesomeness. XD
edit Anyway, there was a bitch.
anyway, once we arrived back at indro we found that there had been a coo, some bitch named Jenna had taken power and was taxing everyone really hard so she could have banquets and stuff every night. Not cool. I mean, when I and my group arrived at the newly built gates, we weren't allowed in until we had an audience with “the empress”.
So, I got the heroes of the light together, and a few wizards for good measure, and headed up to the gate and went to meet the biatch.
After a tense and irritating conversation, empress Jenna had the few wizards killed and the heroes of the light knocked unconscious and imprisoned. Fuck. Luckily for me though, she didn't know about my newly acquired magic awesomeness and didn't restrain me against it, she only took away my Aragorn edition sword and put me in chains, whereas she put the wizard and paladin in magic restricting cages. So, with a wipe of my hand and a release of deadly power, I broke my chains, freed the others, and stormed from the dungeon towards the throne room. I stood in front of the tightly barred throne rooms doors, having been forced to kill some 20 “imperial guards” as they were now called, In my righteous rage, I blasted open the throne rooms doors like they were weeds, and unleashed hell upon the waiting guards.
I walked through the bloody mist that had once been guards, and saw the queen trembling behind her recently furnished throne, tossing it aside with my mind, it crashed into millions of pieces against the walls, then it burst into flames, then some cats came and ate the ash, then some dogs killed the cats and ate them, then the dogs burst into flames.
I pointed my finger harshly at the queen, then raising my hand, she followed into the air. “you're no longer queen, do you understand?” I said. She nodded rapidly, her eyes flickering from side to side.
The next day, a relieved indro population named me their king, I humbly accepted the position, and as my first act welcomed the wizards into the castle.
Jenna, the “retired” empress, is now a pig herder.
A few weeks after the resignation of Jenna, queen of the pigs, as she was now known as, I was overlooking the building of a super awesome wall, being built with the assistance of the wizards, to withstand pretty much anything, things were going well. Then one day, in your gut twisting turn of fate, we received word from our scouts that there was a massive army of 40000 orcs accompanied by a contingent of newly discovered orc shaman, the orc version of a wizard, and heading towards indro castle. They were reported to be about 3 days away. The wall was about a month away from being completed.
So, I did the best I could under the circumstances and organized the defenses of indro, I marshaled about 2000 militia from the countryside, and organized the army of about 3000.
So, the odds did not look good, 40000 orcs accompanied by magic and other tricks, vs. my 5000, that’s about 8 to 1, dayam! This was gonna be tough.
edit I stood overlooking the battle.
I stood overlooking the massive battle, as it raged back and forth across the highway outside the David Jones entrance of indro, the orc army had come around the built part of the walls, straight at our weakness.
Archers, led by the hero of the light, Sophie, were positioned in the car park levels and were raining arrows at the seemingly endless orcish flood. Infantry was raging against the orcish machine led by the hero of the light paladin.
I had learned from the war wizards the art of magical warfare, it wasn’t just throwing lightning and fire back and forth if both sides did their job right, the magical battle should be unseen and unfelt. Instead of throwing lightning, which was power draining, the wizards would use small sparks of power to trigger natural reactions upon the enemy army. One of the favorites was heating up tree sap inside logs, or tree stumps so that the wood exploded among the enemy, sometimes killing up to 20 nasty orcs. : D
So anyway, the battle raged on, and my men were steadily growing tired as the endless flood of orc drove ever onward. It was then that my general and I decided to retreat into the castle, full scale pitched battle was not getting us anywhere. The only problem was, that for my men to escape without being massacred from behind, they needed a decoy, something to hold back the orcs while they escaped. It was I, the Brisbanite, famed war wizard, king of the last bastion of human resistance, that decided to make a stand against the orcs, it was time to step into the shadow of prophecy, and fulfill my destiny. I dodged the retreating army as they ran towards the open gates of indro castle, orcs were right behind them. It was time to finish with the invisible war, time to show the orcs true power. I felt the rage build inside me, and the need to destroy these creatures fill my entire being, I brought one arm up, a final warning to the orcish horde of the death that awaited them. The battlefield was abruptly lit with a sudden thunderous explosion of light, violent ropes of black lightning twinned with its white counterpart, in an instant, it seemed as if the heat produced from hours of battle, was gathered into a single point and unleashed, the orcs shielded their eyes, and were obliterated. Thousands of orcs were instantly wiped from existence. When the blinding light faded, where there was once a ravaging horde or orcs, there was now a red cloud. Although I had killed thousands of orcs, there were still over 20000 orcs, stunned with fear, only waiting for some encouragement before continuing their rampage.
Before they could recover, I walked towards their ranks, my arm raised, a smirk crawling across my face I raised my arm once again, the orcish ranks quivered, terror written on their entire army. I unleashed my power.
Nothing happened, the power would not come, I could feel it, it wasn't diminished at all, it still awaited it’s time to be used, but I couldn't use it. I felt a little silly, standing there with my arm raised as a horde of orcs stood staring at me.
When one of the more intelligent orcs noticed that no magical devastation was forthcoming from me, he raised his curved sword and screamed a battle cry. I only just made it back to the castle without being cut into rather small pieces.
As the orc army set up camp for a long siege, I stood in the level 2 car park with Sophie. She held a specially made bow that required so much strength to use, only she could use it. She casually nocked an arrow, and loosed it into the fog, shadowing the orc camp, followed by a short yell off a surprise, then silence.
edit I am IRRESISTIBLE, but she was icy-hearted and damn attractive.
I decided that since I had pretty much saved the last hope of mankind I deserved a little relaxation. I found myself in the car park with the stunningly attractive Sophie Hopkins, smiling my best smile, and laying on the charm for this foxy albeit less than courageous archer chick.
2 hours later, this stone cold woman with ice for a heart still hadn’t fallen for my irresistible charm, I decided to pull out all the stops, “look what I can do!” I exclaimed. She looked bemusedly as I juggled 20 sparkly balls of magic over my head and all over the place. About 10 seconds into my performance she looked away and loaded another arrow. I dropped my jaw and my balls :P
What was with this woman?! We’d spent some months on the road in a fantasy adventure trying to save the world, me being the prophesied antagonist, and her the attractive only female destined to be my lover. Yet here she was, shooting arrows into the mist while my balls were all over the ground. I started to wonder, was she retarded? “hey Sophie, can you count to 10?” I asked. She looked at me like I was retarded. “yes, of course, I can, can’t you?”.Ouch, so it turns out she’s not retarded….fooled me, since it’s impossible to resist my awesomely powerful charm, something must be wrong, OH MY GOD, what if Sophie had been bewitched by some evil sorcerer who after the whole human survival affair, was just waiting to reel her in with his demon powers to have his way with her in his underground lair. Dear lord, that’s what it is, she's been bewitched to not fall for other men, this sorcerer must indeed be powerful for his magic to stand up to my natural charm.
“Are you feeling alright Sophie? Not feeling….bewitched…..” I trailed off, she was looking at me with cold icy eyes. “look, Jed, will you just FUCK OFF, I don’t like you, even if you think you have some sort of magical charm, and anyway…I like girls.” She miffed, my mouth hung open as unintelligible sounds fell from my mouth. I recovered, of course, it was so simple. Sophie Hopkins has been bewitched by a sorceress.
edit Time to kill the lesbian sorcerous that bewitched that girl.
Well, it was time to man up and save the woman who was destined to be my steamy less than courageous archer chick lover. I sidled out from her view, until I was directly behind her, and started to work some magic. It was time for this lesbian sorceress to get her filthy magically cosmic hands off of my future girlfriend. I worked some complex magic, and released it into Sophie’s subconscious, searching for the source of her delusion. There it was, the lesbian sorceress infestation. It was sitting in Sophie’s upper brain, surrounded by microscopic lesbian guards. I proceeded to fight these in a microscopic laser fight. As our fight elevated, Sophie sat hunched over her bow, her eyes twitching, and drool dripping from her slack jaw. After I defeated to guards, I proceeded to destroy the lesbian sorceress’s power over Sophie, freeing her from the sorceress’s lesbian tyranny. When I retreated from Sophie’s mind, I found her slack-jawed and drooling, hardly the correct posture for a soldier in my army. I snapped my magically powered fingers and she awakened. She looked into my eyes, and at last, I saw the blatant lust shine in her eyes.
Too bad this was only some stupid thing I typed up on this website. Really if it happened I would not have gotten myself grounded from watching p0rn. Back to my basement and sex fantasies for me. Yeah, that all I have. I wish I had Sophie. Anyway, this article is done here.