Fanfiction.net
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“A fascinating pairing. You are an excellent writer.”
Fanfiction.net began in 1939, invented by Josef Mengele as a means to test the limits of human endurance on Jews. Formed with the sole purpose of Harry Potter slash in mind, the basic premise allowed German teenagers to write their own stories, usually involving already-established pop culture icons such as Adolph Hitler, Kylie Minogue or Peter Pan, having graphic sex with each other. No shame, no taboos, no talent, no holds barred.
After World War II was won by Big Bird and the concentration camps were investigated, the Fanfiction.net project was reported missing. It later resurfaced in Argentina in the 1960s and was immediately extradited to America, where it stood trial for crimes against humanity, crimes against literature, and failure to make a decent bowl of chili. The jury took only two hours, however, to stun the world and announce that during its exile in Argentina, Fanfiction.net somehow learned to cook, and it made the best chili in the world. It was acquitted on all charges, though shame would forever be linked to its dubious name, dubious, bittersweet, hot-and-spicy name.
Following its newly-won independence, Fanfiction.net faded into obscurity for several jiffies. Many unsubstantiated rumours linked it romantically to Your Mom, however. Then, in 1999, Fanfiction.net reappeared online, reverting back to, and expanding upon, its intended purpose. Thousands of children the world over, lured to the dark side by its promises of reviews stating "wow holy shiet d00d ur such a godo writer u shud get pubelished!!!!12" began writing about their own favourite pop culture characters having sex, turning into Furries, or a combination of the two. Interpol investigations have begun, but Fanfiction.net remains elusive, covering its tracks better than a South American coke lord, who incidentally is not affiliated with Coca-Cola. Or is he?
Fanfiction.net also has a warrant out for its arrest for 156,000 charges of child pornography, and intention to make the Baby Jesus weep.
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Population
Fanfiction.net currently holds roughly 171,000 children, teenagers and sad, lonely middle aged men, though numbers grow by the minute. These children are kept in a large tank of salty brine to keep them shiny. All estimates suggest that the population is broken down as follows:
- 1,200 children under the age of twelve
- 300 evil persons who get kicks out of flaming bad writers
- 5,000 teenagers named "Sephiroth"
- 10,000 sad, dimwitted, lonely middle aged men
- 104,800 vacated accounts of people who realized that they have something better to do with their lives
- The occasional pregnant male, usually Professor Lupin with Sirius' (Serious'?) child.
- 50,000 tourists, at any given moment, masturbating to stories about Hermione turning into a cat and being savagely raped by Lord Voldemort with a plastic dildo shaped like a broomstick.
Side Effects
Prolonged exposure to Fanfiction.net has been linked to many debilitating diseases and symptoms, including but not limited to:
- Tears of blood
- Limp Wrist(s)
- Male Pregnancy
- Eating Babies
- Shaking
- Seizures
- Death
- The common cold
- Cancer
- AIDS
- Amnesia
- Amnesia
- Craving for brains
- A sadistic enjoyment for cruelty
- Insanity
- SEHS
- STDS
- Being a pitied fool
- The existence of Canada
- 'The Fungus'
- Anti-Semitism
- Amnesia
- Excess Santorum
- Violent and Disturbed Monkeys Coming To Kill You In The Night
- ???
- Profit!
Did You Know?
Did you know. . .
- Fanfiction.net can speak 32 languages fluently? (Those languages Include Asian English, British English, American English.......well basically a bunch of words that once strung into a sentence make no sense what so ever.)
- Fanfiction.net was a contender to be the next Batman?
- There is a popular sandwich in Britain named the Fictioner, made of ham and hard-core sex scenes?
- Fanfiction.net is also a town in Wyoming that was burned down in the 900's?
- On any given day, there will be three times as many people offended by the deviant actions described on Fanfiction.net as there are people in Japan?
- God once had a Fanfiction.net account, with only one posted story (Adam & Eve Meet Pokémon)?
- This fact has absolutely nothing to do with Fanfiction.net, but much to do with Jesus, who can be used to eat pickles in the event of fire?
- Fanfiction.net once had moderators, but they were eaten by a wave of horny thirteen-year-olds who demanded more homosexual sex scenes between minors and anthropomorphic animals?
- Fanfiction.net used to play back up for N*SYNC?
See Also
- Fanfiction.net
- Fictionpress.com
- Fan fiction
- Schoolgirls
- Hentai
- The Brothers Karamazov
- Slash
- Peter Chimaera
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