Falklands War
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| Falklands War | |||||||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
 An Argentinian bomber attacks the Royal Navy flagship. | |||||||||
| |||||||||
| Combatants | |||||||||
 United Kingdom |  Argentina | ||||||||
| Commanders | |||||||||
| Queen Margaret of the United Kingdom & etc | A posturing fascist in a silly hat and dark sunglasses | ||||||||
| Strength | |||||||||
| 64,000 of "our boys", 3 Billion pound budget. arms: nuclear missiles, fighters, helicopters, destroyers, doomsday devices | A number of 12 year olds with luminescent uniform
Budget:Roughly 5,000 pesos and whatever they could find in the pockets of dead socialists | ||||||||
| Casualties | |||||||||
| 10 fell into water HMS Unsinkable & HMS Unsinkable II sunk | 178,631 killed (Thatcher doesn't take prisoners, she devours them). | ||||||||
“Fucklands?! Sounds like a wicked place! Cancel my trip to Thailand!”
“Oh, I appear to have been re-elected.”
The Falklands War, or the War of craziness, refers to the war between Argentina and the United Kingdom over some rocks with some sheep and people on them. These islands are called "The Falklands" but Argentina refers to them as the "Islas Malvinas" which means "not the Falklands" in Argentinianese.
The war began when the Argentinian general, Generallissimo Galtieri noticed that the Falklands were actually rather close to his country and figured that no one would mind if they kinda took them back and stuff.
The Falklands war was recently voted the greatest war of all time. This is because, at the time, the Argentine shells had a range of 9km, whereas the English shell had a range of 21km. Knowing this the English moored their boats up 10km off shore and promptly shelled the shit out of the Argentines. This is the war equivellant of holding a midget at arms length whilst steadily kicking him in the bollocks.
Contents |
[edit] Lead-up to the conflict
The origins of the Falklands War began when Argentina's nasty fascist dictator, Leopold Galtieri, decided that the best way to divert Argentine attention to all the people he was murdering was to invade the Falkland Islands, long claimed by Argentina for, erm, some reason or other. He ordered a bunch of bum-fluff conscripts to South Georgia, a frozen and uninhabited island no one cares about south of the Falklands where the Argentine flag was raised in the most feeble act of imperialism since Napoleon III put one of his shiny boots over the Belgian border for a few minutes. Since nobody cared about a few conscripts dicking-around on a frozen bit of rock several divisions of the Argentine army were sent to the Falklands proper where they made a nuisance of themselves to the fury of Queen Margaret who ordered the Royal Navy to intervene.
As ever, Britain received sterling support from her staunch allies. The United States "ermed" and "ummed" and only condemned the invasion after everyone else did whilst the French helped out where they could by selling missiles and high-tech warplanes which somehow ended-up in the hands of the Argentines.
On the way to Argentina, the Captain of the Royal Navy's flagship, the HMS Bouncy Castle was distracted by the sight of mermaids lying naked on the shores of a Chinese territory, later identified as the Falkland Islands, he ordered the fleet to a stop. It was a fatal error.
The British were bombarded from the air with tinned SPAM by a superior Argentinian airforce and suffered immense losses, it is thought that they might never recover. In Britain, the general public demanded immediate government action.
[edit] Blighty Responds
The then much loved Queen of Britain, Margaret Thatcher, decided to raise a huge task force and send it South. This task force consisted of many many ships carrying the cream of the British armed forces. The Parachute Regiment famed for their brave exploits at Arnhem, the Royal Marines, fresh from their recent something or other, and the Gurkhas, complete with cookery books. All were placed on ships and sent to the Falklands. To complete the line up were several units of Guards, fresh from marching up and down outside of Buckingham Palace, and all 65 members of the SAS Regiment complete in black.
Luckily the tropical islands proved to be a grand moral boost, and Captain Birdseye loaded his hull with the finest hookers, and a collection of his most sought-after fish fingers. All this at a cost of £1,000,000 per each person how lived on the Island. Who can say that Maggie did not care eh?
[edit] Johnny-Fascist Tucks His Tail Between His Legs
In a stroke of genius and seeing what he was up against, the leader of Argentina, "General" Galtiari withdrew his crack troops from the islands and replaced them with 15,000 teenage paper boys in glow in the dark shirts. Surprisingly, this failed to deter the Elite British Gurkha troops who were able to recover the islands in double quick time, enduring a mere loss of 10 men and 17 sheep.
The Falklands islands did actually have their own part-time militia set-up before the invasion. Unfortunately, members of this organisation were all alcoholic in-breds bumpkins who didn't even wake-up in time. The role of the clandestine resistance in The Falklands War is often overlooked, and the 2000-odd members did hampere the movements of supplies to the Argentinian Special Forces. An impressive feat considering that that all of the members of the resistance were sheep.
[edit] A Triumph Of British Spunk
The result was that "Mr" Galtieri lost the next election and Mrs Thatcher was crowned Queen of the Falkland Islands and ruled Britain forever more. The thousands of unexploded landmines left over since the conflict thus led to the islands becoming the South Atlantic's premier penguin sanctuary as tiny penguins are all experts in defusing anti-personnel mines.
[edit] Conspiracies
Some believe the war for the islands was encouraged by the powerful British Sheep Farming Lobby, wanting to affect the international price of British mutton. Some people claim the Royal Navy and British Army wanted to save cash and the war was a cheap way of decommissioning HMS Sheffield and cutting back on 300 soldiers. Others believe that Britain was bored of punch-ups outside the chippy on a Friday night and needed something new to kick.
