Fake Historical Events
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
God created the dinosaurs in 10,000 BC to kill off squirrels, which he thought were too cute and furry for their own good, as well as having the uncanny habit of digging holes in his freshly landscaped gardens.
edit God Kills The Dinosaurs...
...with lightning in 8,000 BC. This was God's first use of lightning ever. The dino's did not like this because they are allergic to lightning and it usually causes brain and phallus shrinkage, after the first waves of of lightning strikes, the remaining ones build a space ship and fled to space where god could not find them.
In the reality series "StarTrek: Voyager", the crew find the space dino's. they have seemed to have gone completely mad, and are most if the rambling on and on how they are the best thing the galaxy has ever seen. When finally escaping from the Dino's grip, the humans contact God. inc, and tell them to sent the Borg.
After this things really started to suck, and major space warfare broke out.
A bunch of bilingual people decided to make a really big tower, to see whether or not the world is flat in 6,666 BC. Because God wanted to fuck with people, he knocked the tower down. The people again started building it, so God made it so that everyone was a different race, which created ethnic conflict around the world. The incomplete tower stayed standing until 6,543 BC, but then God knocked it down again.
Since them people have build towers all over the world, but God fucked those up too: -tower of Pisa -WTC's -
Using magic powers, Moses parted the Dead Sea in 666 BC. He walked across to the other side and urged the Jewish people to follow him. He then closed the Black Sea and wound up killing all of the Jews. In history books, Moses is compared to Hitler as an evil Jew-killing bastard.
edit The Virgin Mary Conceives Jesus...
Jesus was actually conceived by a cat, which of course explains to us fully why he walked around barefoot (cats don't wear shoes) liked to like himself from time to time ( grooming purposes) and had a full head (and by head i mean beard and all) of flowing hair that is uncannily similar to that of his Persian feline ancestors.
edit Lesbianism Is Created
In 69 AD, men created the idea of lesbianism. This was so that there were lesbians which were like normal women, except they would make out with each other and be sexy. Unfortunately, the plan back-fired. Men also decided to take up homosexuality, and some women decided that they wanted to look like men (dykes). In the end, Christianity had to come along to get men to stop being gay and women to not be dykes.
edit God Drops People Into The Western Hemisphere
In 222 AD, God finally finished making the Western Hemisphere. However, there were no people there. He then kidnapped most of China and literally dropped them into the Western Hemisphere. He wasn't aware that humans were so fragile, so He kidnapped more of China, this time gently setting them into the Western Hemisphere and abandoning them. Many of these people were eaten by coyotes, but the ones that survived became atheists.
In 417 AD, Jesus was scheduled for his long-awaited resurrection. However, a damned squirrel possessed the body that Jesus was supposed to be reincarnated in. Jesus got pissed off and cursed all of humanity by making it so that men's penises shrunk over the years. Jesus's curse can only be broken if humanity makes squirrels extinct. However, this is very unlikely to happen since squirrels are so damn cute.
edit God Tries (Again) To The Kill Squirrels
This time (555 AD), He made killer bunnies and sent them after the squirrels to avenge Jesus. Unfortunately, it didn't work out how he planned...
In 600 AD, France invents the catapult. They then go on a world-wide rampage in an attempt to destroy the Roman Empire. France nearly took over the world, but God intervened by sending flying, human-eating, barking, fire-breathing spiders after the French. Since the French are cowardly pussies, they fled in terror and never again would challenge the peace of the world.
In 1846 AD, France explores space, and in a wild turn of events, rapes the emperor of a vastly superior alien race, which starts a war with the rest of the world, and eventually almost destroys everyone. France would never come back to its space programs in fear of destroying the world. (Edit: Later, it was scientifically proven that most of what occurred during the alien wars was a direct result of marijuana)
In one of God's silliest blunders (in 666 AD),for which the human race continues to pay the price, God told some terrorist guy that he was a prophet and should find a new religion that allows polygamy and terrorism. Its followers soon expanded to anywhere with sand. Their favourite exercise is to find reasons to kill Goats for e.g ID. The prophet propogated Islam/Terrorism as one of it's core value.The principle behind it was no Un-Islamic/terrorsit People no problems.Ramming planes into buildings ensures the Islamic/Terrorist followers 27 virgins in Paradise. It also started a holy war (also known as a "jihad") against Christianity. The two dominant religions would fight for centuries to determine which one God cared about more. These became known as the "Holy Wars".
Because of it's significance as the first case of complete genocide, many historians documented what they saw during the Squirrel-Penguin Conflict.
edit The Vikings
In 794 AD, the vikings thought they could create a religion to ease the tension of the Holy Wars which were still being fought out by the Christians and Muslims. They first tried to resurrect the long-lost religion of Judaism, but circumcision didn't catch on in Viking Land. They then created Buddhism, a religion that worships pandas. When the Vikings tried to spread peace in the world with their panda-loving religion, God went on a murderous killing spree and murdered all of the vikings and pandas in the world (as well as sinking Viking Land into the ocean). The Age of The Vikings lasted eight years, which is notable since the cruder, uglier, and meaner cousin of the vikings, the pirates, were able to preach their religion of Scientology for over 200 years in peace.
edit God Kills Another Species (Sort Of)
Because God was getting very angry about what was going on in the world, he decided to try to destroy it in 878 AD. To make the destruction of the world funny, he gave black people guns to see how much they could kill with an unlimited supply of ammo. The entire incident was documented in the film, "King Kong", which has one of the most interesting story-lines ever. I won't spoil the details, but I can tell you that the emus didn't get off easy (in fact, they were made extinct).
edit God Fucks With Humans (Again)
To celebrate the year 1000 AD, God released swarms of the "Y1K Bug". The Y1K Bugs, which happened to be giant, horny wasps, that flew around the world killing people and raping their children. The people of the world for once united to kill off these giant wasps (the invention of bug spray in 1003 AD was a very important development), and by 1005 AD, the Y1K Bugs were extinct. Immediately following the deaths of all giant wasps, Christians and Muslims reignited the Holy Wars (believing that the other side's evilness brought the plague).