Failure University

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Failure University
Failure U Logo
"Last Chance U"
Motto Semper Fefello (Always Failing)
Established 2006
School type Private University
Head Thurston Howell III
Location None, Internet, Worldwide
Campus Holiday Inn and Motel 8
Enrollment 512342
Endowment Average to thick
Faculty 1
Mascot Mollusk

Failure University (officially abbreviated FU) is a fully self-accredited coeducational Internet-based university. Founded in 2006, it endeavors to provide advanced degrees to the mentally and financially underprivileged — namely those persons who were too dim to be accepted or matriculated by a standard college or university, and whose parents were too poor to build a new engineering building or add a wing to the campus library.

The university's professional graduate schools offer degrees in the fields of information science, law, medicine, business, engineering, public policy, and education. These, the school is proud to report, are consistently not ranked by US News & World Report in the Top 10 programs in the United States, nor in the Top 100 worldwide. However, the degrees themselves are regarded as some of the most authentic and attractive looking of those seen anywhere.

Entrance Requirements

Prospective students must establish that they meet the criteria for intellectual and economic poverty. Acceptable documentation is usually comprised of failing transcripts, involuntary withdrawal notifications, or expulsion letters.

Those persons not having ever attended a college or university can provide proof of equivalent stupidity, naiveté or poor judgment by submitting a work portfolio detailing a minimum of 5 years of experience in the fast food industry. Based on previous intake data, the most successful candidates should provide pictures establishing that they (a.) know the correct grip to use around a spatula, (b.) can properly tether a protective apron, and (c.) can wear a paper hat convincingly.

Credits of advanced standing, bursaries and other financial aid are usually given to those who submit electronic or videotaped demonstrations of themselves deftly avoiding the exploding pop of searing hamburger grease, and the fetid spittle of an angry customers. Naturally, letters of recommendation, in the form of customer comment cards about the quality of food, service, or restroom cleanliness can only improve the odds of being selected.


FU operates on the principles of "Each one teach one", "help thy neighbour", and other well-established bits of popular folk wisdom that promote cohesiveness and community, while reducing the need for costly instructional staff.

These principles of learning are based on the axiom that the human race contains the sum of human knowledge and skill, therefore any subset of that whole must contain a significant proportion of that knowledge and skill. Even within a group of idiots there exists vast knowledge, and even among failures there exists great strength. Not everyone can achieve everything. If they could, then the value of "everything" would be essentially nothing. Now an individual failure may not be capable of achieving a great many things, or even a scant few things, but everyone can achieve something. Put all those someones in touch with each other and you've got "something". Probably. Studies have proven it.


FU prides itself on using its research endowments to validate the studies which underly its own instructional model. Additionally, additional studies are being studied in-house that validate the validity of doing studies about the validity of in-house studies. These are repeated annually, on a yearly basis, to establish replicability. Identical findings have been produced each year that establish both the validity of FU's instructional model, and the replicability of the study findings, which are identical. These comprise individual steps of what will eventually become a longitudial study of the university, its teachings, and its research, but early projections are that no new findings will be found.


FU highly encourages its students to avail themselves of library facilities in their local area. These provide the internet access, clean washrooms, and comfortable chairs which our students have come to expect of an institution of our magnitude.


The university's only sport is the crushing of student's hopes... which can be quite fun...

Student life

Residential life

Students can choose to live either in molten rocks, lakes of fire, or Satan's beaver

Groups and activities

File:Pi Dance.gif
The "Tuned Impalers" which make use of the student audience and the tool at right together to make... music.

Student government

The student government is known to "crack down" (again, literally) on students who fail to go to class, though failure is the basis for the school. Notably, the president of the Sophomore class government robbed a Wachovia Bank because he was short on dough and it was lunch-time, so he made a pizza.

See also

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