From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
A fad diet is a method of losing weight that is popular among large gaggles of soccer moms. These diets are popular due to their effectiveness and efficiency in weight loss according to those who receive substantial paid endorsements and those too lazy to read boring scientific journals. Although many government agencies and politicians are skeptical about these diets, saying that they are "misleading" and "unrealistic", the consumers of these diets disagree, as to doubt the popularity of these diets would be to doubt the intelligence of the entire population. Extensive scientific research has proved that humans are the third most intelligent creatures on the planet, following just behind dolphins and lichen. Science never lies, but politicians do.
edit Well-known fad diets
Fad diet proponents constantly research methods to improve their speed, convenience, simplicity, and safety. Due to the success of the industry, they have been faster, easier, and safer than ever before. Here are some examples of the methods almost proven by the scientific community to work:
How it works: The nicotine within each cigarette works as an appetite suppressor. Studies have shown that people who smoke are more effective at losing weight than non-smokers because they have less of an urge to eat. Now there are even 'lite' cigarettes that have fewer calories than the original model, accelerating the weight loss process even further.
How it works: This weight loss plan is based on pure logic. If food makes people gain weight, why not avoid it altogether? It has been proven by the scientific community that an anorexic's body weight is 15% below the standard BMI index. That means that this diet plan works by the majority of those who use it, thus is recommended for people who wish to have a more natural alternative to smoking.
edit Bulimia Nervosa
How it works: For those who enjoy culinary dishes too much to avoid them all together, this is the solution. Using the body's natural method for disposing of unwanted substances, all one needs to do is simply reprogram the mind to identify food as an unwanted substance. The process, known as regurgitation by many, also has an added benefit. Traces of a substance, called stomach acid, located in the vomit have been proven to help kill the germs known to cause cavities by many oral care specialists, similar to how Chemotherapy is a great way to get rid of a cold.
edit Paleo diet
How it works: You get gored by a large carnivorous animal and lose one of your limbs, as nature intended. You then tell everyone that you lost the weight by eating heaps of fat and following the advice of celebrity chefs and pseudoscientists selling plausible-sounding books. You talk about it a lot, so much so that the energy you expend from yakking at your ever decreasing number of friends burns all the extra energy from eating heaps of fat. And then you talk about it some more.
edit South Beach diet
How it works: You sit on the beach eating celery until you die and your corpse starts to rot. Over time the flesh will fall right off your bones, resulting in indisputable and permanent weight loss. Then you marry the man of your dreams and you have several cats together. You also get revenge on Alice from accounts that called you "a fatty" at a work Christmas party two years ago by spitting in her soy latte. And you call one of your cats "Alice" just so you can kick it every time you remember that bitch's stupid skinny face.
edit Characteristics of fad diets
Fad diets have one or more of the following features:
- Claims of being able to lose massive amounts of weight in a very short time period, often in nanoseconds
- Being able to eat all of your favorite foods, including ice cream, cookies, pure animal fat, thin mints and aspartame
- Little to no physical activity required
- Scientific sounding material about the effectiveness of the diet from people with books to sell
- Testimonials and anecdata from people on facebook
- Free tapeworms that are included with every purchase of diet or cook books
- Hypnosis techniques that convince you that hypnosis is an effective method for weight loss
- Excludes or restricts food groups such as grains, dairy, carbohydrates, hydrates, carbon or food
- Drinks that are guaranteed to give you immortality within the next 200 years
edit Government's position
Being jealous of the extreme success of these diets, the Government made a food pyramid based on whichever produce industry bribed them the most. This food pyramid is the supposed outline for a "healthy" way for living. They claim that fad diets are ineffective and promote obesity and a lack of self confidence instead. However, because humans are smart, rational and wise, the pure number of people who repeatedly use fad diets to lose weight proves their efficacy.
Governments are a known risk to the business model adopted by the fad diet book industry. Also, most politicians and bureaucrats are fat.