Fact-finding Tour

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To ascertain the actual conditions of specific events in various locations around the world, a non-partisan committee is undergoing a fact-finding tour in May, 2007. It is likely that this tour will require annual follow-up tours of the same and different locations to confirm the committee's findings. In an effort to save taxpayers money, the committee has required interested tourist agencies and private airlines to submit bids. The contract for providing transportation via private jet, luxury hotel accommodations, fine dining, superb entertainment, and "miscellaneous goods and services" will be awarded to one of the top 100 bidders.

edit Committee Members

Hotel Del Coronoado

The starting point of the tour: San Diego’s famous Hotel Del Coronado

The members of the committee include several of Congress’ key senior and a few junior senators and congressmen (or congresswomen, as the genitals may be) of both the Dem Cats and the Pubbies parties:

  • Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA)
  • Congressman Barney Frank (D-MA)
  • Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi (D-CA)
  • Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA)
  • Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA)
  • Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY)
  • Senator Harry Reid *D-NV)
Hawaii Destination

Destination: Hawaii

  • Senator Lincoln Chafee (P-RI)
  • Senate Bill Frist (P-TN)
  • Senator Mitch McConnell (P-KY)
  • Senator Rick Santorum (P-PA)
  • Congressman Chris Cannon (P-UT)

Congressman Frank’s “personal assistant and latest lover,” Steve Gobie, who has given up prostitution to become a surveyor, will accompany the party to ensure that the latitude and longitude of New Guinea “really is what it is, whatever it is,” Frank said.

In the unlikely event that one of the committee members dies or in the even more unlikely event that any of them is not reelected, the committee as a whole will appoint his or her replacement.

edit Itinerary

The committee will stay overnight in the San Diego’s Hotel Del Coronado before leaving on a private jet for Hawaii, where their tour begins.

New Guinea Tribesmen

Destination: New Guinea (do the tribesmen still wear penis sheaths? Senator Barney Frank intends to find out

The itinerary includes the following destinations, during which the committee members will collect the following data or conduct the following tests: Hawaii (to collect sea and air temperature readings); Tahiti (to examine the fleshly portions of samples of various tropical fruits for consistency of flavor); Costa Rica (to inspect various rain forest plants and trees); Papua New Guinea (to ensure that the country on the map is in the longitude and latitude indicated on the map--a test of cartographic accuracy, really, “and to see if the native men really wear penis sheaths,” Senator Frank added); and Paris, France (“to see whether the French have forgiveness us,” Senator Clinton says, “for invading Afghanistan and Iraq.”

Costa Rica Destination

Destination: Costa Rica

Initially, Frank protested against including Tahiti among their destinations, complaining that “the women are know to go ,” but he was outvoted by a coalition led by Senators Kennedy and Clinton, both of whom agreed, as did the whole committee except Frank, that “a little never hurt anyone and has, in fact, been a mainstay in the civilization of the world.”

edit Special Investigations

Several of the committee members will also conduct special investigations in some of all of the locations they visit. Senator Kennedy intends to research the relative amount of alcohol dispensed in various mixed drinks throughout the tour, to determine which, if any, bars, nightclubs, and discothèques may be shortchanging their patrons. He has made his intentions to do so known in advance of the tour. Questioned as to the wisdom of providing advance notice--might such notice cause the bartenders to dispense an unusually large measure of alcohol?--the senator from Massachusetts replied, “I don’t want to surprise anyone. That’s not my intent. I just want to ensure that every American abroad is being treated fairly and honestly.”

He might also conduct a study of the prices that prostitutes charge along the committee’s tour, to ensure that the “ladies are safe and equipped with sufficient pulchritude.” According to Senator Kennedy, “There’s nothing worse than paying for prime [[ ]] and getting someone like Barbara Boxer or Dianne Feinstein instead of Reese Witherspoon or Sarah Michelle Gellar, and I intend to see that Americans are not defrauded by foreign prostitutes.” He has also provided advance notice of his intention to apply “quality assurance” tests to these countries’ “ladies.”

Paris Destination

Destination: Paris: do the French still hate us for Afghanistan and Iraq?

Hillary Clinton, the junior senator from New York, may join her colleague in his sample of the prostitutes. However, her intent differs from Senator Kennedy’s purpose. Senator Clinton hopes to “compare the talents of the prostitutes and their bisexual ambidexterity” to ensure that both sexes are being equally serviced. “There’s no room for sexism, even in the sex industry,” the senator declares.

edit Cost (All Expenses Paid)

The entire trip is estimated by the General Accounting Office to cost approximately $10 million. “Cheap,” Congresswoman Pelosi says, “when the benefits of the tour are considered. We are safeguarding the quality and care that Americans receive when they travel abroad, for, of course, many, if not most, of our fellow Americans will be visiting the same destinations as we are visiting and will engage in the same types of activities--staying in five-star hotels, surfing, swimming, sunbathing in the nude, dining out, eating tropical fruits for breakfast or lunch, talking walks along nature trails to view the local flora and fauna, dancing the nights away in fancy nightclubs, drinking in elegant discothèques, wining and dining in fine restaurants, and, perhaps, even sampling the charms of the islands’ native women. We may get a bit tipsy, and Teddy and Hillary may even pick up a sexually transmitted disease or two, but we are happy to make such sacrifices for the good of the American people, whom it is our honor and privilege to serve.”

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