Meth

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Meth

Yep, right there in the little tube... but don't look too closely.

“Whenever I don't clean my house, it becomes such a meth.”
~ Richard Simmons on Meth
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Meth.

Meth or methamphetamine is a diet powder and all-around self-improving be-all-and-end-all wonder drug created by... who else? Hitler? No, seriously, he did. Why did he do it? What better way to single-handedly dis-and-re-assemble a Panzer Tank and fuel an army without rations at the same time, right!?! Meth was originally thought to have been grown from Tree lint, but is now known to be currently made from a combination of Battery acid, Pseudo ephedrine, Clorox and Smurf tears. It can be snorted, smoked, huffed, eaten, absorbed through tear ducts, anally deposited or injected. Now known most commonly for its kitten-like qualities as the only drug available to small town hicks living in Redneck County.

In the early 90's it was discovered that Meth was an instant cure for teen boredom, a major affliction of our time. Meth is the official drug of Oklahoma and Montana.

edit New Meth

Scarface

You really think he was gonna let that one slip on by.

At about the same time the 'New Coke' came out, so did 'New Meth'. New Meth was created by frequent users of the drug such as Reno and Santa, along with Russizzle and the Easter Bunny who couldn't find the key to the safe. Its contents include Vynardadine, Ephedrine, Butane and French Noblemen. Sure, its ingredients were poisonous when separate, but together they were even more poisonous. New Meth quickly became the most popular drug among Disney Channel stars, such as Hannah Montana, and common members of the public such as bald homosexual men & bisexuals between the age of 14 and 47, as well as unemployed Olympiads. Surprisingly the success rate was higher than the sharp contrast to New Coke, which due to a lawsuit brought by Al Pacino and Robert De Niro, failed miserably.

edit History of Meth Classic

Following the demise of New Meth, the love of Meth Classic increased 50-fold. The stuff couldn't stay on the shelves. 42 states in the U.S. reported riots of Meth fans, protesting that it was "Close to impossible to find Meth." To make up for the demand, the CEO of Meth Classic decided to open new factories. These satellite factories would be smaller and in more rural areas to take advantage of local county ordinances. "Trailers", as the CEO of Meth Classic called them, would soon be a household name and provide the oh so loved Meth Classic. But even with the failure of New Meth, the bastards and bitches of all over the country wanted some variation of this worldly creation. So, while smoking the original shebang, they thought of something so crazy, it might just be stupid. METH CLEAR! This Meth came out in the mid '90s to help supplement the "clear drug craze". Meth Clear was quickly discontinued, due to the fact that it didn't actually exist and that the drunkards, trying to spruce up what people already found perfect, didn't know how to make something transparent.

edit Explosive Tendencies

Although not as dangerous as the old, due to dangerous ingredients such as: anything flammable, and lots of sparks, New Meth could still be harmful to human beings. Most cases brought against New Meth manufacturers were dropped, due to an extreme lack of intelligence on the behalf of the user. However, some were allowed to proceed to trial. This caused million dollar losses within Big Companies, and in 1987, all flammable components of were removed. The change caused riots in the cornfields, and tractor burnings nation-wide. The sober farm boys and farm girls could not get the desired high from what was left of, and they couldn't explode the containers when they were done.

With New Meth failing up until the point of demise, the love of the original Meth rocketed upward, with praise spilling out the windows. The stuff couldn't stay on the shelves! 42 states in the U.S. reported riots of Meth fans, protesting that it was "Close to impossible to find Meth." To make up for the demand, the CEO of Classic Meth decided to open up more factories. These factories would be smaller and in more rural areas. "Trailers", as the CEO of Meth called them, would soon be a household name and provide the oh-so loved Classic Meth. But even with the failure of New Meth, the bastards and bitches of all over the country wanted SOME variation of this worldly creation. So, while smoking the original shebang, they thought of something so crazy, it might just be stupid. METH CLEAR!!! This Meth came out in the mid 90's to help supplement the "clear drug craze". Meth Clear was quickly discontinued, due to the fact that it didn't actually exist and the fact that the drunkards, trying to spruce up. what people already find perfect, didn't know how to make something transparent.

edit Effects

These are not the happytimes you are looking for

Everyone knows Meth helps you lose weight by giving you a stuffed feeling soon after you begin eating.

Everybody knows Meth makes you stronger, faster, smarter, all in all, a much better specimen in every way, especially mentally. There is no limit to what the human brain and body can accomplish on Meth. For example, one could easily learn to disassemble a VCR or better yet, combine two nice BMX bikes into one shitty half-working model, and these activities are profoundly more interesting than usual. Scientific study shows that risk of psychosis while using Meth is several hundred times lower than in non-users, and therefore, the governments of France, Thailand, and Paraguay all give Meth to babies as standard procedure after birth. Though condemned by (among others) Ron Jeremy, Sean Penn, The Philly fanatic, Wrestling's Goldust, Enrique Iglesias and Sarah McLaughlin, WHO experts say the practice of infantile Meth ingestion will effectively wipe out hunger in those countries, as well as the aforementioned psychologically positive effects being enjoyed by the rest of the populous. The only known negative side effect is that one's teeth itch profusely. Meth can bring tendencies to attempt a roundhouse kick, or some sort of elbow drop into the cribs or high chairs of young African infants. Another side effect noted was the urge to take q-tips and individually insert them up the users anus. This is known as ass-queuing. Ass-queuing is one of many fatal side effects that exist amongst methamphetamine abusers, and leads to the tragic deaths of 46% of the residents of Antarctica. Unfortunately, the drug is also spreading through the innocent habitats of the penguins and polar bears, causing them to rob gas stations for Q-Tips to perform ass-queuing. Polar bears remain on the endangered species list due to this.

edit Cold Medicine

All that was left of Meth when the flammable ingredients were removed was the semi-flammable pseudo ephedrine. At first, as stated above, users were outraged. But they soon discovered that when used in complete excess, you could achieve certain side-effects including: nervousness, dizziness, sore throat, diarrhea, and AIDS. And get this, if you took it with alcohol (which was custom back then) you could even die! Such side-effects provoked a new found faith in Meth, and encouraged yet another generation to become users. The renewed popularity of Meth caused other drugs to be discovered. A particular one, favorite of Kurt Cobain, was called Cough Syrup. It came with a better taste and more side-effects, ranging from fever to "obscure rashes found on the body." In fact, New New Meth, as it came to be known, was so popular that when the New Meth was re-introduced as Original New Meth in 1994, no one cared. If looking for a fantastic high, it is strongly suggested that you take the chosen cold medicine and directly inject it into your arteries. This may cause either a strong euphoria or projectile vomiting, our studies haven't portrayed a strong answer to this great mystery.

edit Currently

Waldo2

Aw, shit. Where'd he go?

Currently Meth is used as an over the counter medicine to treat the Common cold. The original New Meth is circulated throughout the Midwest, but will never be as popular as 'New New Meth'. In fact, it is now thought the 'Original New Meth' will eventually become extinct due to its corrosive components. But don't worry, because 'New New Meth' isn't going anywhere, And neither is Waldo. It is also said that Meth-heads don't get sick. Seeing as Meth is made out of Cold medicine.

Scientists are working on a formula to combine Meth and marijuana thus making Methijuana. This new drug is expected to be on the market tomorrow. Visit your local drug dealer to purchase this product.

edit Crank

A bathtub brew preferred by outlaw bikers. Bikers discovered placing some Meth in the Crank Cases of the Harley Davidson motorcycle could rid of the clunking and grinding that came with their motorcycles and add more speed to the bike. However, Harley Davidson does not recommend the use of Crank in their motorcycles, as it may void the warranty and cause teeth loss, open sores, staying up for days at a time, and lawsuits. (As lawsuits are very expensive, Harley Davidson knows you will be too broke to make the payments on your bike.)

edit See also

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