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“Give man a fish, you feed him for a day; teach him how to use Facebook, he won't bother for weeks!”
~ God on Facebook
“If I get one more friend request from George Lucas, I'm going to KILL MYSELF!”
~ William Shatner on Facebook
“Facebook came from the screaming book in the Restricted Section”
~ Harry Potter on the magical aspect of a book of faces
“well, we all know why ya mum joined facebook, because she wanted me to poke her”
~ me on milfs joining facebook
“I love facebook. I have over 10000 facebook friends. They are like my best friends, except that they are complete strangers that stalk me!”
~ A girl on Facebook
“I use Facebook, but that doesn't make me gay”
~ The Ultimate Warrior on Facebook
“This Facebook thing is a complete hoax! There are no faces and no book at all! All I see is a webpage with irrelevant information that I could've had on MySpace or Windows Live anyway! This is a total waste of time! I quit!.. Right after I finish this quiz.”
~ You on Facebook
“Outrageous.”
~ Kristos on Facebook Inbox
“Facebook: Bringing mindless chatter to The Cloud.”
~ Facebook corporate slogan
“Sniff sniff...Hmm, my farts smell like salisbury steak. Wait... What?”
~ You on when Facebook came out
Facebook (from Sarkozyian French "fesse bouc") is a highly modified MySpace profile and advertising medium used regularly by the government and Universities and colleges to spy on society and prospective students, and a mutation of the LiveJournal virus that infects people who consider themselves "way too cool" to have a Myspace. Its precise origins are unknown, but it has been hypothesized that the Facebook mutation occurred after the LiveJournal virus was exposed to a form of delta-radiation known as Internet pretension. Its initial spreading is attributed to the American Stalker's Union. It is mainly intended for clinically depressed teenage wanabees, dumb fucks who think acting like G's is cool, and co-morbidity with the MySpace virus is fairly consistent. Facebook is also one of the leading causes of many STDs. People who typically use Facebook are insecure Greeks and Norwegians named Eileen or Joseph, and even possibly Geddy Lee. Facebook is generally defended as "Just a way to keep in touch" - undoubtedly a reference to touching oneself while "investigating" pictures from last night's party in which people who were cooler and prettier than you had a good time.
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[edit] Discovery
The Facebook virus was first isolated by researchers at the University of Illinois in February of 2005, headed by Dr. Kevin Finn. At the time, the Winthrop research team was working on a drug that might be able to suppress the LiveJournal gene. Instead, Janelle and her team discovered a foreskin more resilient to his treatment than the LiveJournal one was. When she announced her new discovery, and vowed to "eliminate once and for all this new faceless entity". All data on this new flap was entered into a mainframe that was dubbed "Facebook", and the name stuck.
[edit] What is Facebook?
Facebook is a MMORPG with 'friends' instead of rankings. It is also a form of virus, the name being derived from a reference to the "Book of Life". The index alone features extrapolations on many topics formally considered much, much more evil than mere symbolic mythology. An investigation by the CIA by their special agent Mr. Smith has revealed that Facebook is actually a cult of the Undead, plotting to overthrow the Earth. As more people are born with faces, James Bond steals them and increases its power. The Bible's 67th book of the Old Testament, the book of Luke Skywalker, prophesies that one day, a baby will be born without a face, born to save the human race. However, some skeptics have suggested that the Bible only says this because it rhymes.
Either that, or as [s]your parents[/s] some speculate a Massively Role-playing Online Pokémon The object being, of course to "Catch 'Em All". Then again, that's only a speculation...
[edit] Creeping
Facebook was created for the very purpose of creeping the people close and far from you. Creeping itself has been around since 1604 when it was first discovered by a man with a telescope. Before facebook creeping was only accomplished via hiding in bushes, and was only for people who could hide themselves a good bush. Creeping uses up approximately 99.7% of facebook's capacity. Because of the popularity of creeping, facebook developed features to optimize creeping time. These features are:
- Search - enables quick location of a person to creep, and access to people you are not friends with.
- Highlights - this is on the side of a homepage and shows events, pictures, notes etc. you may wish to creep.
- Next - the next button at the top of a full size picture.
- Unlimited history - the ability to creep someone right back to the first day they got facebook.
- Apps - these are used by big companies to creep many people to acquire valuable statistics.
[edit] Effects of Facebook
There is a growing population of people affected by visiobibliophobia as a direct result of Facebook's existence. Facebook has been scientifically proven to cause severe brain death, reducing a student to an enslaved, shambling monstrosity within mere seconds of joining the website. All their time is then taken up by joining useless clubs that only serve to express how much they love Facebook.
Facebook also has a high addiction rate. It is widely believed that when accessing Facebook, invisible cigarette fumes leak out of computer speakers and monitors. Thousands of users log on to Facebook without logging off for days, and others are unable to not check it everyday. It is currently being researched, while Mark Zuckerbitch is being put on trial.
Facebook has also been linked to the higher likelihood of the carrier developing patterned behavior of substance abuse, mostly related to alcohol and depression. Carriers of the Facebook gene spread their mutation by posting drunken pictures of themselves and others on the Internet in a process known as "tagging." Facebook has also been linked with several psycho-social conditions, including paranoia, schizophrenia, and listening to Sufjan Stevens.
The University of Mongolia released a 2079 report into the effects of Facebook's decision to display its users DNA strands. The report alleged clones were being made on the basis of information on the website, but that due to Facebook's famous inability to display the number "2", they were being made with no limbs or noses. The report has yet to be verified, but a workforce of limbless, noseless morons are piecing through the findings and will come to a conclusion within the next millennium.
There is a growing population of people affected by visiobibliophobia as a direct result of Facebook's existence.
[edit] Big Brother
At the start of September 2006, Big Brother took over Facebook, and as part of the world's backlash against Steve Irwin's death, decided to inform everyone on Facebook of their friends' every move.
For example, the average user can now know with a simple view of their Facebook homepage that:
- Their best friend opted to join the "I hate Oscar Wilde" group and declined their invitation to their newly created "Grue Lovers" group at 8:15 pm (when they said they wouldn't be home)
- Megan T. removed "fuzzy socks" from her interests at 10:37 pm.
- James B. replied to a post in the "I'm a closet terrorist" group at 6:28 pm.
- Lisa H. complained about her history professor in a note posted at 3:35 pm (ironically during her history class).
- At least 5 of their friends are in constant relationship flux (signifying extreme Borderline Personality Disorder) going from "Single" to "It's Complicated" to "In A Relationship" to "Single" again within 15 minutes.
- Little Kate P. from that high school down the street from them will be attending an event nearby at 11 p.m. tomorrow night (hint: now would be a good time to "borrow" some stuff from her place).
- Laura F. and Maria S. stalked new interns for employment at for Furher's Hitler Youth Nazi program.
The aim of this exercise is uncertain, but it seems to be a ploy mainly to make everyone extremely paranoid and piss them off in equal measures along with giving the ones who created this practice a laugh.
[edit] Facebook Applications
Facebook makes their cash by making every aspect of the site secretly advertising. These advertisements are usually called 'applications' and consist of asking you to send all your friends advertisements for the advertisements, then spamming your notifications box and theirs with pointless crap that nobody will ever read. This has been called the most genius marketing move ever by Luciferian Businessman magazine. As of 2009 the only webpages that still exist on the internet all have applications available on Facebook.
[edit] Determining one's worth as a human being based on Facebook
Facebook can serve as a gauge for evaluating worth as a human being. This can have dramatic and lasting consequences, as many who have failed to consider themselves worthwhile human beings by this definition have often sunk into traumatic and suicidal depressive cycles, eventually resulting in a lightly-publicized Internet suicide and the source of a temporal fad for about three months.
Similar to the MySpace Algorithm, this is a point-based system that is based on a combination of factors, including the number of groups one belongs to, the number of people to whom one has never spoken to before listed as "friends", the number of photo albums that involve heavy use of drugs or alcohol, and the number of wall posts one possesses.
[edit] Pariah
A user may be known as a Facebook Pariah if he or she has performed one of the following actions:
- Rejected another user who genuinely has had little or no contact with the Pariah.
- Removed another user from the friend list who confirmed friend details more than 3 months ago.
- Does not have drunk pictures of himself or herself posted for all to ridicule.
- Is listed as "single" but is not listed as "looking for a relationship".
- Is listed as "married" and really is married.
- Belongs to fewer than 12 Facebook groups.
- Has a profile purposely made to be boring.
- Has a "favorite book" listed that is actually his/her favorite book, and not something pretentious designed to impress everyone else (e.g. anything by Sartre).
- Has not changed his or her Facebook picture for more than 7 days.
- Does not have at least three friends who they claim to have "hooked up" with but really mean it as a joke.
- Has fewer than 12 Facebook applications.
- Has limited his or her search privacy.
[edit] Whore
Similarly, a user may be known as a Facebook Whore if he or she has performed one of the following actions:
- Has a wall with more than 1,000 posts on it.
- Has stolen more than five people's Facebook Wall Virginity.
- Has more than a tenth of the student population listed as his/her friends.
- Has a profile that is longer than most professional resumes.
- Regularly posts more than 5 sentences on a single post on a wall or discussion board.
- Has more than 3 discussion topics in the same group in relation to sex, drugs, alcohol, wrestling, fat people or old men.
- Accepts all friend requests from whomever they find 'sexy'.
- Has a 'Facebook STI'.
- Updates Top Friends every day, and switches all friends in the list.
- No more than three days passes without an update on the user's profile.
- Updates status on every mood change and/or "what I had for lunch."
- Comments on someone's photo.
- Has more than 2 sentences in the section "about me."
- Has more than 2 emails posted on their profile.
- Puts many photos of himself or herself to be a showoff.
- In the section "interests" includes 'sex', 'stripping', 'adding people that I don't know'.
- Joins every network or adds all applications of their friends.
- Writes an inappropriate word anywhere on the profile.
- Has more than 20 pictures taken on the same day posted on their profile.
- Loves to tag people in photos even though it's not even them
- All people categorized as such are most certainly gay or female.
[edit] Failure
A user may be known as a Facebook Failure (and possibly an Internet Failure)(or Facebook Nazi) if he or she has performed one of the following actions:
- Is shown to be "online" at 3:00 in the morning.
- Spams on other people's walls.
- Hides his or her 'the Wall' box in a trash load of other applications.
- Does not have 'the Wall' on their profile.
- Has a profile that takes more than 20 seconds to load (on 54.0 Mbps speed)[which is 1.08GB].
- Is a daily user of any application by Chainn Inc. (e.g. Compare People, Testimonials, Social Profile, No Mercy, Sparkey, Circle of Trust, Friend Adviser).
- In the profile, writes "I'm a hottie," "I'm very sexy," "I'm attracted to myself," or of any variation.
- Has www.facebook.com on his or her favorites in more than one folder.
- Is too busy to get on with life because of Facebook.
- Writes on random walls just to seek some attention.
- Uses more than 7 different applications on the same day.
- Lists fifteen or more bands under his or her "Favorite Music".
- Lists every movie watched in the last 4 months under his or her "favorite movies".
- Has a profile typed in aLt CaPs.
- Has a number of Friends greater than or equal to 25% of the university's total student population.
- Has more than 100 friends that they do not know in person.
- Has more than one Facebook account in regular use.
- Is in the top 1000 rank on a popular Facebook application.
- Forwards more than five FunWall or SuperWall posts to all his or her friends per week.
- Lists anything to do with Bart Simpson under his or her profile.
- Has parts of other people's profiles in their own.
- Logs on more than once in a day, for over 5 minutes at a time.
- Has entire photo albums full of their moronic drunken friends fake pouting.
- Goes to Facebook for the intent of finding a husband/wife.
- Say that they are in a relationship with another man, even when they're not gay (debatable).
- Is a man that uses :) or :( of any variation in a post.
[edit] Controversy
Facebook Versus Efficiency Many scholars have studied historical accounts of student life during the "Pre-Facebook" Era and have come to the conclusion that these students used their time much more efficiently. Some documentation seems to show that in this mysterious era students did not spent a large proportion of their study time telling others needlessly through the medium of social networking sites of their dislike of studying and other academic endeavours. Studies have shown that this action takes up to 70 percent of the average student's study time. Further studies have shown that if students chose not to update their statuses several times a day, with statements to the effect of "Studying is gay", that they would in fact complete their work much quicker and that other Facebook users would not hate them as much.
[edit] Allegations of use as a tool for stalkers
In recent years, Facebook has been accused by critics as a tool for stalkers. This claim was further exacerbated in June 2006 when the American Stalker's Union selected Facebook as their favourite website, defeating big contenders like Wikipedia, Google Pages, and Cameras In Your Shower!!!!!! in a site-wide popularity contest. Delighted Facebook executives believe this is because of their new Facebook: Stalker Edition™. Indeed, one in four college murders has been linked with Facebook; a highly publicized case at Wheeling Jesuit University brought this contention further into the limelight when a victim's face was mutilated and a dark blue question mark drawn on instead.
Facebook has consistently refuted these charges, claiming that ritually tracking a person's every movement is too narrow a definition to be classified as "stalking." "So a couple of thousand of college and high school kids are masturbating to pictures of their roommate's girlfriends; what's the big deal?" said Facebook spokesperson "Peeping" Tom Bundy.
"The privacy settings allow users to go offline, so many people may assume that a member is offline, while in reality, they are online masturbating all day without the person in the picture's consent"... In response to Tom Bundy's statement, the tabloid "Enquirer" reported that a lawsuit was filed to the order of Richardo Simmons when he was caught looking at his producer's Facebook pictures while masturbating. He was actually coincidentally caught by his producer Jim. Richardo Simmons is his alias of course and we all know his real name is Richardo-o. This just shows that creeps are all over Facebook with fake names and aliases with sex in mind.
It must be noted that in some circles, Facebook is regarded as a "Tool for Vengeance".
