FUCKIN' 'ARD

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FUCKIN’ ‘ARD!
Fuckinard
Album by Andre The Giant
Release Date January 1st, 0000
Recorded August – December 1BC
Genre Sausageman
Length Unlimited
Record label King Arthur’s Glorious Beard Records
Producers Jesus (when he was cool)
Professional reviews
*Arnold Schwarzenegger review 5/5 - "Ahh, when I was back in ma home country, I work out to this album”
Nelson Mandela review 5/5 - "Oh shit! I’m so old!"
The Dictionary review 6/5 - "I believe this is the wrong review."
Andre The Giant Albums
Grenoble Demos (Feat. Moses)
(2BC)
FUCKIN’ ‘ARD!
(0000)
Andre the giant's mother's 48-hour labour
(1889)
“OH SHIT! BIT DEAD AREN’T WE?”
~ Andre The Giant on FUCKIN’ ‘ARD
“Andre told me he was going to record an album. I told him to inhale wood, seemed to work somewhat.”
~ Grenoble Resident on FUCKIN’ ‘ARD
“Oh shit, so ‘ard.”
~ FUCKIN’ ‘ARD on FUCKIN’ ‘ARD

FUCKIN’ ‘ARD is a 0000AD album by Andre The Giant. The album is shunned as being promotion for Andre’s ‘ardness’ as the album mainly consists of tests of his ‘ardness’, often to the disgust of others. The official genre of the album, oddly, is ‘Sausageman’, credited to Andre. The album contains occasional music but mainly is recordings of the exploits outlined by the song titles.

The album begins with a brief introduction by Andre (much in the fashion of “J’adore LSD”) which sets the tone for the rest of the album. It is notable that the album contains an early writing credit for a then –1940 John Lennon, who would later re-use and re-name the song in The Beatles. Once on his quest to prove his ‘ardness’, Andre stumbles upon Tutankhamen’s tomb. With his super, Frenchman strength, Andre lifts up the tomb, covers it in some several million Rizzlas, says “SMOKE THAT SHIT” before, indeed, smoking Tutankhamen’s tomb.

Feeling confident, Andre sustains an erection, only to cut it off with a butcher’s knife. Andre can be heard screaming: “oh shit, oh shit, the blood is coming out like Niagara Falls”, but ultimately, to prove his ‘ardness’, Andre re-attaches his penis and says “did ya see that shit?”. As the next test, Andre inserts an umbrella into his anus and precedes to open it. Upon opening it, Andre’s anus collapses and his organs are heard falling out and piling up on the floor, Andre lost consciousness and collapsed minutes later. The tape still runs as the ambulance arrives and Andre is crane-lifted onto a stretcher. He regains consciousness for a brief moment here to exclaim, “FUCKIN’ ‘ARD”.

After recovering from the incident, Andre decides to prove his ‘ardness’ by dropping his baby son on his head at his christening. Andre drops him in excess of 50 times, each time followed by exclamations such as “OH, DONE YA” and “OH, HE’S ‘ARD”. Following a couple of more exploits, Andre decides on his next test, to cut off his ‘bird’s boobs. The next morning, when she brings Andre breakfast, he cuts off her breasts, exclaiming “OH, CUT OFF YER BOOBS, OOOOH!”

The album then continues with actual music, featuring a co-writing credit for a then –1966 Dimebag Darrell and Luigi. The highlight of the album is seen as the last track “The Never-ending Track”. To this day, Andre is still recording this track and it magically appears on the album as he records it.


edit Track Listing

  1. May I begin by saying, OH SHIT FUCKIN’ ‘ARD DID YA NAN OH YES, URRRGH SON! (Prologue) (Andre The Giant) 0:34
  2. Inserting the little red button from the copier into my arse. (Andre The Giant) 1:53
  3. Inhaling Wood (This bird has smoked) (Andre The Giant, John Lennon) 3:18
  4. Smoking Tutankhamen’s tomb (Andre The Giant) 6:53
  5. Severed erection (OH SHIT) (Andre The Giant) 2:09
  6. Opening an umbrella in my arse (Andre The Giant) 10:13
  7. Dropping my son on his head at his christening (ON PURPOSE!) (Andre The Giant) 7:09
  8. Chowin’ down (ON YA MOMMA’S POOSE!) (Andre The Giant, Nelson Mandela’s Momma) 41:40
  9. … (Andre The Giant) 0:14
  10. Cuttin’ off yer bird’s BOOBS (Andre The Giant) 4:52
  11. Frenchmen from Hell (Andre The Giant, Dimebag Darrell) 6:02
  12. She’s a bitch (Andre The Giant) 0:03
  13. Eat-a ma nail clippings (Andre The Giant, Luigi) 2:32
  14. The Never-ending Track (Andre The Giant) 435637846234908689453:9043563489756 (approx. as of Aug. 9000 ad)

edit Personnel

  • Andre The Giant- Tombstone, Gong, Mandolin, Ukulele, Fish Fingers, Double Bass, Prophecies, Profuse bleeding (on “Severed Erection (OH SHIT)” )
  • John Lennon- Co-writer of “Inhaling Wood (This bird has smoked)”
  • Nelson Mandela’s Momma- Eww….
  • Dimebag Darrell- Co-writer of “Frenchmen from Hell”, keeping it real with his kickass beard.
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