FIFA Middle Earth Cup
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“One does not simply score into a Mordor goal”
The FIFA Middle Earth Cup is a soccer/football (whatever you want to call it) championship tournament that originated in Middle Earth. There are so far eight teams and these have been battling it out since the beginning of time. There have been thirty FIFA Middle Earth Cups so far, and the current champions are the Dragons, who simply burn all their opponents.
The FIFA Middle Earth Cup originated when Sauron decided that they weren't having enough wars so he devised a soccer team and challenged the kingdoms of Gondor, Rohan and The Shire to a match. Rohan won and four years later they decided to do it again, but this time the Elves competed and so did the Dragons, who narrowly defeated Mordor in the final. The People With Elephants and Stuff noticed the uproar, and along with the Dwarves of the Misty mountains they joined the Cup.
The FIFA Middle Earth Cup is now hugely popular throughout Middle Earth and the Grand Final of each tournament is watched by an average of a million people.
It is set out as a round robin, with each team facing the other once, before they are put onto a ladder and then the final matches are played to decide the winners.
- First Ever Tournament (Mordor)- won by Rohan, defeated Mordor 2-1
- Second Tournament (Gondor)– First appearance of Dragons and Lothlorien, won by Dragons, 3-2 against Mordor.
- Third Tournament (Moria)– First appearance of Misty Mountains and Elephants, won by Dragons 3-1 against Rohan.
- Fifth Tournament (Moria)- First win of Mordor, defeated Misty Mountains Dwarves 5-4 in penalty shootouts
- Sixth Tournament (Dragonland) – Most noticeable win of Dragons, defeated all opponents 3-0.
- Tenth Tournament (Gondor) – Best effort by Gondor, came fourth (Dragons narrowly beat Lothlorien in final)
- Eleventh, Twelfth and Thirteenth Tournaments (All Rohan) – First wins for Lothlorien
- Eighteenth Tournament (Mordor) – First and only win of The Shire
- Twenty-second Tournament (Elephant People’s Land) – First and only win of Elephants, defeated Hobbits 1-0 in extra time
- Twenty-ninth Tournament (Dragonland) – Won by Rohan who came back from three goals down to beat Mordor 4-3.
- Thirtieth Tournament (Mordor) – Won by Lothlorien decisively after 3-0 win over Dragons.
The original team, the Mordor team is a whole lot of Orcs, and have won the cup four times. Their defenders are Uru-khai, while their attackers are fast Orcs, their goalie is a Troll, and they play an attacking 2-2-6 formation with an attacking emphasis on secretly stabbing their opponents in the back. Sauron is their coach, and so far they have achieved 103 red cards and 267 yellow cards. They sponsored by Mordor Weapons Co. and Wikipedia.
A pretty sucky team, Gondor are hoping for a win in the upcoming 2010 FIFA Middle Earth Cup but have never won one so it is very unlikely. They mostly consist of soldiers and a horse for a goalkeeper, although he is constantly distracted by the lovely grass and tends to have a mid-game snack. They play a very weird 1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1 formation. They are sponsored by the military forces of the Free Peoples.
Winners of the previous FIFA Middle Earth Cup, and winners of seven Cups, Rohan is a strong team due to the fact they all ride horses and their defence have lots of battle horns, which are in fact louder than vuvuzelas, causing the other team's ear drums explode. They don't actually touch the opposition so no cards are shown on these occasions. They play a 4-2-4 formation, and are one of the favourite teams of the cup, being very consistent.
The Shire is relatively weak team consisting of short, slow hobbits. They have only won one Cup but this was because all the other teams were off at war so they just declared themselves winners and spent the rest of the year smoking Weed. They play a defensive 9-1-0 position but this doesn't really matter because the other players just jump over them. They are sponsored by McDonalds, which is a favourite fast food franchise in Hobbiton (which is probably why all the Hobbits are so fat).
The current Middle Earth champions, the Dragons have won twelve Cups because they burn all their enemies to crisp as you already know. They don't actually play any formation, simply flying down and killing people from above. It also impossible to score against them because the largest member of their team acts as a goalkeeper and just falls to sleep infront of the goals. Their only weakness is that they often destroy the ball and hardly ever score.
People with Elephants from South
These guys DO have elephants, but have only won one tournament as they can never score with elephants. They have no set position, because their elephants just run around randomly. They strong against Rohan though, because, as you know, gigantic elephants own horses an day. They are sponsored by the Morian Walmart.
MIsty Mountains Dwarves
These dwarves have won two Cups and are a very attacking team, using a 1-1-8 positioning. So far they have only played in six of the tournaments though, because they live in tunnels and don't like the sun, and these tournaments were the ones that were held in Moria. Most of them are pretty slow but a few are anorexic and therefore are at least a little fast. They are deadly enemies of Mordor (isn’t everybody?).
A strong team, Lothlorien play a standard 4-3-3 position and have won four Cups. Their current team is pretty crap (consisting of lots of elves) though and have not won a tournament since the time of Morgoroth. They are highly racist and consider themselves the best team. They are sponsored by Nike and Uncyclopedia.
The 2010 tournament will be held in The Shire for the first time. The Dragons, Rohan and Mordor are considered the strongest sides, but the Hobbits are fuelled by their homeland and the Misty Mountains team has some strong recruits so it should be an exciting tournament. The first game will be held soon and will be aired by ABC4, with daily highlights.
Gambling in the FIFA Middle Earth Cup
Citizens of Middle Earth (unless they are getting slaughtered by orcs) bet on the games as a form of gambling. So far many people have gone broke and others have been made filthy rich, including Saruman, who is a major gambler.
The betting odds are as follows:
- Dragons: 1.50
- Rohan: 3.00
- Mordor: 4.00
- Misty Mountains Dwarves: 6.00
- Lothlorien: 15.00
- The Shire Hobbits: 30.00
- People With Elephants from South: 40.00
- Gondor: 100.00