FC Barcelona
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| Full Name | Khanh-Anh synes real madrid er gode, men han tager fejl. | ||
| Nick Names | Culés, Culos, Γάιδαρος, Szamár, Asilas, حمار, Burro, 屁股, Punda, Pantat and 尻 | ||
| Mottos | To be the first club to sweep 12 Academy Awards, since The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King swept 11, at one go, To win the Olympic gold medal in men's diving category, Be humble. | ||
| Location | Barcelona, Fifa headquarters, Uefa headquarters, Michel Platini's Wine Cellar. | ||
| National anthem | http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3j4t185wl-0 | ||
| Currency | Tiki-Taka | ||
| MotherShip | Camp Nou. | ||
| AKA: | The unholy Defenders of the Evil Empire of Anti Football. | ||
| Capacity | mental: none, physical: short | ||
| President | Charlie Sheen | ||
| Head Coach | Josep Guardiola a.k.a The Philosopher WHO IS NOT John Locke. Or Hegel. Or Adorno. Or Baudrillard. Or...you get the drift. | ||
| League | Money League | ||
| Nemesis | The Evil Empire of Anti Football aka Real Madrid CF | ||
| Ethnic composition | Telenovela Actresses 50.0 % Referees 7.0 % Real Madrid Rejects 20.0 % Gays 13.2 % Dancers 84.8 % Prancers 3.3 % Kings 0.5 % Pending 10.0 % Stoners 82.3 % Divers 66.6 % Mathematicians -2.0 % | ||
| Trophies | 19 Oscars for Best Actress, 15 Oscars for Best Supporting Actress, 10 Oscars for Best Screenplay, 5 Oscars for Best Makeup, 23 Golden Globes for Best Actress – Motion Picture Drama, 15 Golden Globes for Best Actress – Motion Picture Musical or Comedy | ||
“The players of this football club fall to the ground even when they are not tripped and pass the ball among themselves a gazillion times”
“Requirements: Must not be more than 5'5. Must be humble. Must have adequate face-clutching skills.”
“They cheated again?”
Futbol Club Barcelona, or more commonly known as the valiant defenders of good football, are more than a club. They are also a kit-kat, an internet cafe, a knife salesman association, an animal shelter, a bank, a dollhouse, an emergency clinic, a frathouse, a government organisation, a morgue, a hollywood production set, an igloo, a Jamboree, a Kite Flying school, a lawn mowning club, a movie theatre, a newbie club, an origami society, a police station, a queer support group, a ravioli recipe exchange group, a sex club, a transgender crossdressing club, an underground secret society, a vuvuzela production factory, a wholesale market, a (now defunct) xystarch quarter, a yellow submarine, a huge fucking sandwich and a zoo. According to a reliable source, they are also an underground organization that serves the purpose of fighting the Spanish Inquisition since 1879.
The idea of a club named FC Barca was conceived on board the Death Star, on a particularly hot day when Darth Vader decided to take a nap. The idea materialised into existence when a pod of storm troopers - deciding they were sick of fighting on a battlefield - launched their pod into hyperspace in search of a new world. They crashed landed in the northeastern coast of Spain, in a tiny island called Catalunya, run by a power hungry despot named Goan Jamper. The troopers' battle-ready mentality propelled them into action and soon a revolution and all that fancy pro-democracy rhetoric that you hear all the time happened. To keep it brief, football was discovered and the world changed.
Contents |
edit History
FC Barca is as old as time itself. Camp Nou has been previously loaned out to film various episodes of The Twilight Zone and Barney the Dinosaur. The stadium's dressing room is the venue of a lot of famous gay porn movies that are usually filmed during half-time.
edit Rivalry: The Evil Empire of Anti Football
FC Barca and the football world have been waging an eternal battle against the combined dark forces of Mordor and Madrid for centuries. Many brave soldiers have died for the cause but they are almost on the brink of victory. They won a hard fought and very strategic battle against the evil overlord Darth Mou in 2010 and have subsequently released a 15 volume, leather bound propaganda booklet, based on that emphatic victory, to raise the morale of soldiers and civilians alike.
It is still unclear how The Evil Empire of Anti Football will react to this embarrassing setback; Mordor and Madrid were unavailable for comment at the time of writing. However, reports suggest they are amassing a new army to launch a fresh attack, determined to punish the world and all Barca sympathisers. It is rumoured that they have hired the services of top sniper Nihas Irun and have promoted JONAS CELL JOE as the new leader of the Nazguls.
The world waits with bated breaths as the next chapter in this eternal battle of good vs. evil prepares for a grand opening later this year.
edit The Land of Misfit Players
Do YOU play a hell-of-a game of Football but just don't fit in with the other teams? Then YOU may be just what we're looking for!
Barsuck tends to have a Angelina Jolie Complex but instead of collecting orphans, it collect misfit toys, players, I mean players...
Come to Barsuck!
It may not seem like a good strategy but thanks to this sort of UN-Nazi Propaganda Barca palyers are fiercely loyal to Barca. They suddenly play better, shoot straighter and have that extra bounce in their step only narcotics can provide.Diving into drugs BITCH!!
Speaking of providing Narcotics...
edit Frank Rijkaard
Frank Rijkarrd was born to surf, he has surfed the seven seas under the aliases, Hans, The Big Kahuna Fuck, and Archie. Unfortunately an unfortunate encounter with a giant squid has left him with a paralyzing fear of water and his surfing career came to an end. After a brief stint as a drug dealer, he now coaches the team to victory.
Unfortunately Frank Rijkaard consists of 100% squirrel. Might be related to a pokemon!
His hobbies are such as swallowing and smoking marijuana. His face is a good proof of it.
edit Sociopaths
Taking hoolliganism to the next level Barca fans call themselves Sociopaths. It is unclear at this time whether they have taken over the club and are actually running it from behind the scenes OR are the mindless minions of Joan The Door, a fearsome army just waiting for the right moment to strike. True to their accepting attitude Barca will let anyone be a sociopath... provided they pass a series of grueling physical exams. No psych profile needed, it is assumed that if you want to join, you ARE crazy.
It may not sound like much but the perks are great, including discounts on merchandise and tickets, priority seating and when you join you get a steamy night with one of the players... The younger ones get their misuage auctioned off (Geisha Style).
edit Merchandising
“The money comes from merch”
You can buy anything with the Barca logo/colours/players/etc. From soccer balls and t-shirts to Dog dishes and Atomic bombs even Ronaldinho's penis.
"They have a gun to my testicles" Cesc Fabregas on his planned move to Basted-Loners
edit Club Song
| Tot el camp, és un clam, sóm la gent blaugrana, tan se val d’on venim, si del sud o del nord, ara estem d’acord, estem d’acord, Una bandera que ens uneix a convertir gai. blau gai al vent, un crit de culata sexe, tenim un nom, el sap tothom: Barsuck!,
| All the midgets, are short, we are the blue and red assholes, doesn't matter where we come from, from the ass, from the pussy, just like that, we all agree, we all gay, a fag makes us brothers , Blue and Red in the ass, a shitty cry! We dont have a name! The whole world doesn't care ! Barsuck!, Barsuck !, Baaaarsuckkkkk !!!!
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Gay, isn't it?
edit Actors
00)Referee
- He is the Main Actor of Barcelona.He always help all the players of Barcelona to score goals.They never shows cards to them but if Barca players act of injury or fake dives,he gives red card to the opposition player.This is the reason Barcelona gets advantage in game.
1) Victoria Valdés
- Previously ineffectual Wanker than likes to waste time. He has recently improved his stats by desperately studying Derek Zoolander and mastering "Blue Steele". And one of the bald goalies in Spain.He's probably the most classless shit anyone have ever saw in football.His gay too just look at that bald head and beard DANG!
2) Danielle Elvis
- His nickname is "The Spider" because he is everywhere and plays like has a lot of legs. Oh, and also for his ugliness. He looks and acts like a ape too. He also likes to spend time with gayolardickola
3) Gerard Pig-GAY
- Probably the gayest looking footballer ever! That fucking beard with those blue eyes, it just doesn't go together.A reject from another football club. His favourite TV programme is Take me Out on ITV1 where he can oggle at Paddy McGuinness.
4) Cesc "Cry Baby" Fabre Gas
- He was raised by Barcelona's academy, but they told him to **** off and go to ARSENEal (a.k.a ARSEanal) once they realized he'll never be as good as Xavi. In 2011 though, he became a totally overrated player so Barcelona decided to take him back. ARSEanal eventually released him, after Fabre Gas had several discussions with the club's manager, Arse Wagner. Lots of tears and sentimental words were involved.
5) Carles "Tarzan" Puyol
- Intensly devoted/brainwashed death metal-loving Captain of the team. Sometimes confuses his Capitán role with that of a Sea Capitán. Does one hell of a Johnny Depp impression. Secret love child of God and the Queen of Barcelona. He is known to have broken 25999 legs in his career till now!
6) Xawi
- Puts the X in Football Club Barsucklona XXX Gay anal sex club. He is also famous for his frog Jumps *stand up and dive stand up and dive stand up and dive....*.He only know how to pass and he really didn't like to score, he only likes feeding the crowd with T-90 balls.
7) David Villa Park
- He is part Korean and left Valencia in May 2010. Valencia has since started dating John Terry and Cashley Cole. Also known as "Gay hair".
8) Touré Yeahyeahyeah
- Same as Daniel Alves, also a Spider. 8 long black legs that takes him across the pitch in just 3.6 seconds. Now plays for Man Shity as he loves the monies.
9) Zlatan Oprahimovic|I'm in love with Himovic
- A man of 8 foot 10. He mostly scores goals that no other player would be in a position to score from. ie. two feet from goal the goal hanging bitch.
10) Pigonel Andres Hijra Messy|Lionel Messi'ed it Up]
- 3rd biggest thing in soccer after his messed up nose and Ronaldo's transfer fee. He is one of the Hijras that are found in India.He is known for quick feet, the second he received the ball, he runs as if he is running normally in a park because the ball is magically glued to his feet.Likes to dive a lot but no one saw it because this midget is just too short. Rumored that he is unable to have sex with tall Spanish women for his shortness. The idol for all the glory hunters around the world.Once got ran over by a bicycle because his too fucking short. One of the few adults who still need a guardian to cross the road.Once he went to have sex with a girl in a hotel.The girl went to wash room and when she returned she found 2 Spaniards lying nude with Messy.She shouted "Who are they?".Messy replied "They are Xavi & Inesta.I can't perform anything without them".He can't do anything without Xavi & Inesta.
11) Bojan Grr-kick
- A Lionel Messi wannabe, much younger, has smaller penis. He expects to get the golden ball at 2064 due to his short age.
12)Referee
- Playing all of Barsuck's Champions League matches helping them beat their opposition by giving red card's or rape without any reason
13) José Manuel Pinto Colorado
- No, he is not from Colorado. He is from Michigan, and rides a Pinto just like every bitch does in Michigan.
15) Aleks and The Hleb
- Has no Barca DNA at all, he dreams of a return to Arsenal as London may be noisy but Birmingham is a shit hole .
17) Say "dough" Keita
- He is like Touré Yayá, but smaller and faster. He also has blacker skin and a 25-inch supreme black cock.
18) Gabriel "Marshall" Milito
- He is called the "Marshall" for some reason. He thinks he is in a war and the rival team are the enemies so he trounces their legs so they can't be a menace anymore.
21) Adriano
- Not to be confused with the fat looking one who was set to end his career in Brazil, but some other random Brazilian no-one really cares about. Assassinated in December 21, 2012 by a terrible storm.
22) Eric Abidal
- An Obligatory Frenchman who got banned from playing for the France National Team. No-one actually really knows why. His surgery is not for that reason; it is only an excuse to enjoy a vacation.
24) Andrés InFiesta
- 300 years young, this Vampire is a force to be reckoned with on the pitch. Is believe to be the reason many bats hang around the stadium. Only plays night games.
- Nickname: Casper
25) Albert Jorquera
- He used to be number 11.
28) Sergi Biscuits
- His father Carles was the worst goalkeeper in history. He did take several pieces of advice from him, so he is also a shitty player. He is also famous for his Oscar winning performances against Inter Milan and Real Madrid.
--) Martín Cáceres
- His name is Martín, but he's not from Cáceres.
20) Ibrahim Afellay
- Barcelona took him only for his beauty because he sucks as a player.
9834798) The referee
- Signed from Manchester United Red Sox Ltd. in 2011. Has a nice cock, which amps all the Barsuck players before they get on the pitch and win their performances.
??)Pedrofile
- Little Spanish punk who smells and licks Messi ass everyday
666) That Swiss Cunt
- Famous for sending off Robin Van Persie in the Nou Campiouns League, for wasting half a nanosecond of his life after Van Persie mistook him for a man he knew called Martin.
667) Sirius Black
- Bought by Barcelona in 2011, from F.C. Azkaban as a replacement for Carles Puyol.
6969) Charlie Sheen
- President of Barsuck. He is the main reason why Barsuck is always WINNING.
According to the Spanish media Cesc Fabregas has signed his 100th pre-contract and will sign in 2014 for a fee of 20,000,000,000 euros set to be fully received in the year 2918. It is also believed that Xavi is a cunt.
edit Past Players
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Dirty Diving Deco(Gone to the cheat team Chel$ea)
- Deco is the team Ninja. He spends his time on the pitch diving around and making crimes for the ref and his team mate's, defending the runts on the team, like Messi, from the players on the other team. His motto is: Red Cards are just the ref's way of letting me know I'm doing my job.in his spare time he likes to go to london to sleep with slappers.
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Gianluca Zambrotta(The same as Ronaldinho)
- Dirty Italian defender (Same as all Italians, but still an innocent pussy compared to Materazzi)
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Lillian Thuram(He retired because of his inability to run faster than 3 km/h)
- Changed his sex, but never got the paperwork done for the name change.
Eidur Gudjohnsen
- -I'm sorry, who ?
- -Exactly !
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Javier Went to Reject Madrid Saviola(So, Real Mandril took out Barça's garbage)
- Nicknames: Javi, Savi, and el Konejo (The Rabbit)
- too cool to be a part of this motley team so he thought reject madrid was the better option. He's gonna be thrown away just like royal pain in the ass always does.
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Sylvinho
- Probably the only Brazilian in the world who truly sucks at football.
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Thierry Henry
- ArseANAL fans were very pissed about their symbol and best player signing for Barcelona. At the same time, Barcelona's fans were also pissed about their club signing a handball player. He also holds the record for most handball goals in a match, scoring 7643 handball goals against Wigan Pathetic in a preseason practical joke by the manager.
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Nelson Ng
- Caught having sex with a cow and was deported
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OleguerSold to Ajax for looking likeChuck NorrisJuninho Pernambucano. Went on to win theChampions Leagueshitty Netherlands league)
- Oleguer is his first name... whatever.
- Best known for his role on "Friends" as Chandler's crazy roommate
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Giovani dos Santos(Went to Gay Tottenham, next Ronaldinho my ass)
- Wannabe Bojan Krkic, With a brazilian father and a mexican mother, both countries are in a war for getting this future world class player in their national teams.
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St. Marin Ezquerro(He was sacked for being too good)
- Patron of the team. Miraculous ability to remain completely unknown while his teammates shoot to stardom.
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Thiago Motta(Moved to Patético de Madrid because he sucked)
- One of the last true pirates, he spends most of his time recovering from injuries using medicinal marijuana... that explains a lot, including his name.
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Ed, Edd And Eddy N Milson(He once talked about the black sheep and he was put in the black list)
- Its Ed Edd n Eddy, except with a guy named Milhouse. But everyone just calls him Milson.
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Thierry Henry<.strike>
- Dead
