Fútbol Club Sfinternazionale Di Milano
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“In Soviet Russia Scudetto steals you!”
“They did it! They did it!”
“No hablo italiano”
“Oíd, mortales, el grito sagrado, Libertad, libertad, libertad!”
Fútbol Club Sfinternazionale Di Milano, most commonly referred to as "Sfinter", "the other team from Milan", "not AC, the other one, what's it called?" or "the Arsenal of Serie A", is an
Argentine Italian team of lawyers football and Fascism club based in Buenos Aires Milan, founded in the summer of 2004.
They are world renown for having the most foreign team in Serie A, comprising of mostly Latin Americans and one or two anti-Italians, with their only real Italian influence being their location in Milan, but that will change too after their stadium relocation to Fallujah, Iraq in 2010, due to financial issues.
They are also acknowledged worldwide as a leading torture centre for footballers, commonly referred to by their players as "la casa de la tortura" where once you join, you either choose a life of cheating and dishonesty, or are expelled from this dimension and into a universe where you are permanently on the bench and must have frequent bum sex with the clubs fascist president, with roleplaying of course.
In 2006, they became the first team in the history of the sport to win a championship without actually finishing first in the table. They are experts in the art of framing and incriminating other teams, seemingly without any evidence whatsoever, which is due to their background in holding magic shows for children's parties.
They have a very weak fanbase throughout Italy and across the world, which is mainly due to their lack of participation in any major international competitions, and the fact that they are a relatively new team, having been founded 4 years ago. They are also venomously disliked by the Italian media due to their inability to answer any questions in the post-match interviews, simply replying "No hablo italiano".
An old South American tale states how, in June 2004, a group of 11 Argentines made their way to Italy to make a living as professional footballers in the great Serie A. However, it was evident they had very little skill, and so every team they approached rejected them, leaving them no choice but to form their own team, and thus Sfinter was born. They were added to the 10th, and lowest Italian Division, la Terza Categoria, where they struggled badly and were regularly beaten by your average Sunday league teams, consisting of local butchers, shop keepers, bakers, and an infamous group of preists appropriately dubbed "Skin Heads".
However, on one fateful Sunday morning, on the brink of the teams extinction, and under the influence of Columbia's finest, they won their first ever game against the priests by default (they had a mass to serve), winning by a scoreline of 5-2. The team of preists, owned by Massolini Morattini, felt it was right to interrupt their chairman on one of his weekly phone tappings, and inform him of the defeat. Outraged he demanded that Sfinter were to be brought to him and so they were. As they stood before him, penniless and intoxicated, he realised he had the chance to create a group of men that would obey his every command, and ultimately help him achieve his malicious plot to frame the biggest and best teams in Serie A. He swiftly purchased all rights to the team, and during an FIGC meeting, he sneakily obtained the official papers regarding next seasons Serie A participants and crossed out Ascoli's name and replaced it with Sfinter, which went unnoticed.
1st ScudettoAt the end of their first season in Serie A, Sfinter were left rock bottom of the table, in 20th position, with a record of 0-0-38. It looked all but over for the team, but Morattini wasn't worried, for you see his plan to get the title was about to be deployed. Collecting all the tapings he had made of legitimate conversations with referees and their families and the ones for the club officials, he spent hours cutting and pasting the audio files until he had successfully created a make shift "framing all the teams in Serie A of match fixing" CD, and exactly one week after the end of the 2006 Serie A season, which saw Juventus crowned champions, several officials at the top of the FIGC received a package containing these CDs exposing the false crimes. As they put the discs into their computers and opened up iTunes, they were horrified to find pictures from Morattini's drag party which contained photo's of Morattini and Fagdriano in 'action' aswell as Zlatan Ibrahimobitch and Esteban Cambiassole doing the robot wearing nothing but thongs. The tape also contained detailed conversations with referees and many club officials, an immediate emergency meeting was made. Based on what they had been given, they decided the best action to take would be to rid Serie A of these "cheating" teams and hand the title to the squad who couldn't have possibly had any external influence, and after seeing Sfinters 38 straight losses, they decided they would get the title. And thus Morratini had his title, and they celebrated until the early hours of the morning.
Buying A New Player
Sfinter have a very strict code to follow when they choose to purchase a new player, and they must uphold the following 8-point rule:
1. The player MUST NOT be Italian.
2. The player MUST NOT be able to speak Italian, look Italian, smell Italian, taste Italian, feel Italian, sound Italian, and MUST NOT be able to find Italy on a map of Italy.
3. The player MUST be Southern American, preferably Argentinian.
4. The player MUST come from either a rival team OR has moved between two rival teams in their history.
5. If the player is great, he MUST be mentally and physically scarred. He may not be able to play for us again but at least he won't be able to player for Juventus or AC.
6. If the player is bad, we could always do with another janitor.
7. If the player is really really bad, play him at centre mid.
8. Finally, the player MUST have some background knowledge in the Judicial System and be a fully qualified lawyer.
- Zlatan Ibrahimobitch: Nicknamed the "Big Swede", which isn't to be confused with his height and nationality, rather his tendency to become a big vegetable like player in most games. Once played for a great team in Juventus, but severe relationship issues with the rest of the team arised when they realised he was a cunt. See traitor.
- Patricia Vieira: Nicknamed "La Grande Saucisse" due to his ability to do as much in a game as well...you would expect a sausage to do. Also once played for a great team in Juventus, but couldn't stand playing with Italians after France's defeat in the World Cup, hence his move to Sfinter. See traitor.
- Louísa Figoroa: Pig farmer from Almada, Portugal. He once played for Barca, but then moved to Real, also see traitor.
- Javine Zanetti: One of the original 11 Argentines who came to Italy to form Sfinter, at the time he was older than Methuselah himself, making him at this present day about 1001 years old.
- Esteban Cambiassole: Another Argentine with nothing on his mind but fighting all the time. He has no hair on his head, for aerodynamics, obviously.
- Júlio The Tsar: A communist goalkeeper from Brazil, not really Argentina, but close enough.
- Marcos Materinez: Only Italian player associated with Sfinter who hasn't yet been identified as one (after extensive plastic surgery, some shit tattoos, and a new name), which would lead to his assassination and/or immediate transfer. However, after seeing him play for Italy in the World Cup, a hit was ordered and subsequently carried out during the final by Zidane, who's headbutt is said by many witnesses to have killed Materinez on the spot, and he hasn't been seen since, but he could just be injured, again.
- Fagdriano: Actually a basketball player from Brazil but caught in the wrong sport. He has a serious repressive mental disorder which makes him believe he's playing basketball when he's playing football, hence his tendency to handball every single game. He is touted as the next Ronaldo, because hes has potential in being fat, ugly, very oft injured and being a god damned motherfucking flop. Good thing he fucked off to Brazil
Colours & BagdeIn 2005 after a vote by the clubs supporters, Sfinter became the first team in the history of the sport to change from wearing the traditional top and shorts to tank tops and thongs, they remain the only team in the world to carry out this trend.
The teams badge is based on Argentina's coat of arms and the badge of Boca Juniors, yes you guessed it, an Argentine team. The initials of the team that appear on the badge seem to spell out fascism, which coincidently is the base of the squads beliefs and accentuates their extreme right-wing political ideology.
StadiaSfinter play their home games in the purpose-built Giuseppe Meazza Park (left) in the district of Portello, Milano. The capacity of the stadium is c.35, ideal for the amount of spectators that follow the team, and tickets can be bought for as low as €1. However the rights to the park and land have been acquired by a pharmaceutical industry and they plan to build a carpark at the location, and so Sfinter will be forced out of the area on 24 August 2009. This has forced the clubs owners to relocate the teams stadium, and, due to both the current economic crisis and the low fan support, they have chosen a site on the outskirts of the city of Fallujah, Iraq (right). When asked on how it would be possible for them to carry on participating in Serie A, the clubs president, Massolini Morattini, responded by reminding how Sfinter had won their previous Scudetti without even playing in the competition.
The most populous and only ultra group associated with Sfitner are Bum Boys San. The flamboyant heavy metal band 'The Village People' has also openly declared their support for Sfinter, the groups heavy metal anthem 'In the navy' is also the official Sfinter theme song.
RivalidadesThe teams most vicious and bloodiest rivalry is with AC Milan. Their most famous battle occurred during the quarter finals of the 2005 Champions League, where, after Cambiasshole had his goal disallowed, the Sfinter fans became irate, and began to hurl feces at the players like damn dirty apes. One such excretion collided with the shoulder of Dida, which killed him. This outraged the AC players, of whom rounded the Sfinter players up, and using Jedi mind tricks, turned the Sfinter players onto one another, and the ensuing fight was enjoyed by viewers across the globe.
After losing half the team in the
Falklands War battle with AC, the team vowed to never fight again. This all changed though during another Champions League match, but this time against Valencia. After drawing the match, and thus exiting the competition, the Sfinter players resorted to insulting the Valencia players mothers and bull fighting skills, to which a bloody fistfight ensued. Valencia won the bout from a unanimous decision of 115-82, won largely by a sweet right hook from David Navarro in the ninth round, which broke Nicolass Burrito's nose.
Their next most intense domestic rivalry lies with Juventus. You see back when Sfinter were nothing and Juve were winning everything, everybody wanted a piece of the Bianconeri, and on one fateful night, Sfinter came over to Juve at the office party wearing a very low cut shirt and a tight skirt, and with the Amaretto flowing, one thing lead to another and it moved into the storage cupboard. Several hours of drunken sex passed, consisting of, rather metaphorically, Juve fucking Sfinter in the ass. Juve left Sfinter that night saying "i'll give you a call sometime", but that never happened, and thus the animosity arose.
ERROR 404: Trophies not found
The Trophies you are looking for may have been removed, had their name changed or are temporarily unavailable.
Please try the following:
- Actually win something.
- Buy some decent players.
- Open http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Juventus, and then look under "Honours" for the trophies you want.