So your wife got some unpleasant red blotches on her new dress? Your girlfriend didn't wear enough sanitary napkin protection leaving her expensive underwear blemished? Is your loved one too emotionally drained to clean those spots she left on the toilet seat? Don't forget, it's just bodily fluid, it won't hurt you.
So, you ended up somehow with that gross stuff on your hands and are frantically trying to get the filthy dark stuff out from under your fingernails? Don't panic! We have all been there. This guide contains all the information you need to get both clothing and bathroom surfaces spotless while making it seem effortless. Help your lady get through those trying three or four days, and as an extra bonus you get some cosmic brownie points in the process. Cosmic!
What's the secret? Do it, and you'll get brownie points. Do it more, and you'll start to enjoy doing it, and you'll still get brownie points. Eventually, you'll get brownie points for doing something you enjoy doing. That, is the cosmic secret, that most men never discover.
Just how much brownie points?
Your wife will be talking about how amazing you are. All her friends will know you are the kind of man who cleans up after her monthly mess. Her friends will be understandably jealous. She will fall in love with you all over again. And then you'll get those special rewards you've always wanted but were in no position to ask for.
It's not as bad as it sounds
Remember, its just coagulated fluid, nothing more. Once you brush off the crusty parts, it's easy to get natures little joke out of the fabric.
- Blot the stain immediately with paper towels
- Combine 1 teaspoon of dish soap (uncyclopedia endorses Dawn™ America's leading brand in do it yourself domestic hygene solutions) and 1 cup hydrogen peroxide in a small bowl and a pinch of sugar. Soak a clean sponge in the mixture, squeeze it halfway dry, then gently blot the stain.
- Wash in cool water.
- Air dry. Do not use your dryer as the stain may set in leaving a lunar spot on her undies. Hang it up to dry so all your neighbours can see what a special husband you are.
- Fold it and put it in her panties drawer with a few rose petals to make it smell garden-fresh (instead of oily and ranuchy).
For stains beyond low and medium flow periods (i.e. the so called "water fall" effect) stains seem to never go away. If she wears the same undergarments for three straight days, you'll have to get caustic on them:
- Sponge the stain lightly with a solution of equal parts ammonia and chlorine.
- Apply a laundry pre-treatment, such as stain remover or detergent.
- Launder as usual.
- Steam over a vat of heated sulphuric acid (in a ventilated room away from young children)
- Air dry.
Repeat this process until her underwear is as pure and white as you are. You already have so many brownie points you'll get your poker nights back.
What To Do If Your Wife Wears Expensive Dry-Clean Only Undergarments
If they are dry-clean-only it may not be possible for you to remove the stain yourself. If this is the case, wipe away the worst of the discharge with a paper towel and get it to a dry-cleaners' as soon as possible. It may be advisable to go to a cleaners' where as many people as you know can see you. That's just in case her friends are also there, if so, you will be the talk of the town, you will be the husband of the year. You are in for so many brownie points you may never recover from the sweet bliss just around the corner.
By now your special ones clothes and your bathroom surfaces should be completely free of PMS reminders. However, you may want to ensure that next time this happens the stain comes away more easily. Use a scoop of high intensity "Stain-Insure" on her robes and next time you take care of her skanky laundry you'll get it over with quickly but still get the same brownie points.
What to cash in your brownie points for?
Getting your poker nights back as already mentioned should be the minimal reward for scrubbing the shower of shedded bodily fluids. You should also expect to be able to buy that boat you have always wanted. And that trip with your old high school friends to Las Vegas, how could she say no now? What about turning her art studio into a billiards room, I think she might be willing to compromise more and more with each seasonal cleansing.
As long as you wash away the hemoglobin and blood-plasma you can even get her to wear a cat suit or take it up the other shoot. It's all because you are the kind of husband that gives to his wife, the gift of removing those rouge reminders of her monthly cramps and pain, from her underwear. You give and give and give and she graciously takes and says thanks, thank you, in ways you will only begin to understand.