Exploding whales

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called specialists at Wikipedia have an article about exploding whales. No, seriously. They really do.

Exploding. It's the number one cause of whale death in the universe. It's because...? Thinking about it. Want an example, tough guy? Okay, here goes. Don't think of an exploding whale. Whelp, there ya go buddy, you just killed one. Nice job. I bet that whale had a family, a wife, some kids, and a nice little house on down by the coral reef but NOOOOO. You had to go and mess it all up. But... we must put the past aside and grimly continue...

edit Why Does This Happen?

We don't know. Some scientists think the cause of this is Ishmael, a gland in the brain that telepathically kills whales on thought. Others believe that whales don't believe we know that they exist. Therefore, every time we think of a whale, it explodes to keep its identity secret. Others believe that whales just like to blow up for any given reason. In fact, these men and women believe that any thing you do triggers a whale detonation. Take a shower? Boom. Eat a banana, Boom. Whales may just like to die due to the fact they serve no purpose and they cannot find a private place to practice sexual intercourse because they are so godamn huge. Others think they are emo's, and just prefer this to cutting themselves. It is also proven that while on Mars, whales cannot explode, whether this is because they're already dead or another reason is unknown.

edit Where Does This Happen?

Mostly in the Arctic. Here is a map if you want
Arctic map

Modern day world

It also happens in Aquariums. You think they have had the same Shamoo for 50 years? Dream on. Since whales are plants, you can harvest them and mass-produce them like grain. That is how we keep getting so many Shamoo's in the fish tank.

edit On the other hand....

There are many ways to explode a whale, shoot it with a cannon, plug up the hole it shoots shit through, throw a bottle of exlax in it's mouth, or show it a picture of Madonna, shaking her 50 year old coochie in the camera. It also helps to kill the whale’s children first, because that's what makes em "extra juicy". Filling a whale’s tank with piranhas or hot sauce also helps for a slow, painful death. A certain Dave Johnson has on many occasions stuck his weiner in a whales blow hole.

edit High School Survey

We took a survey in a local high school about how students feel about exploding whales. The results are as followed:

  • Don't Care 20%
  • Is that a new band? 23%
  • Stupid 7%
  • Didn't bring a pencil 32%
  • Huh? 31%
  • Asleep 2%

So there you uh... have it. Yea.

edit Disclaimer



I plagiarized this article from myself and I would just like to let myself know I am not fooling anyone.

Whales are creatures and should be treated with respect, unlike Native Americans and people in wheelchairs who try to get in front of you in line for the roller coaster ride. Remember that playing around whales is dangerous, and if a whale ever asks you to get in his van kids, remember, we just say NO. Many people, like Helen Keller has been killed by whales, and whale diving should only be left to professionals like Terri Shiavo . In fact, Chris Reeves was almost killed by an exploding whale. He was riding one up and down the artic when suddenly, he saw and Eskimo, harpooned him, and the Eskimo put the sheeny curse on him. So sad, but he is dead anyway so who cares.

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