Exploding Eye Syndrome

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“Owie.”
~ Chuck Norris on EES
“Your eyes explode.”
“Exploded eyes can still see how fine I look.”
~ Oscar Wilde on EES
“WTF mate?”
~ An Australian guy on watching someones eyes explode

Exploding Eye Syndrome, more easily abbreviated as EES, is a severe, unexpected, and often life-threatening disease that is most commonly inflicted upon humans which possess parasitic eyebrows. It usually consists of the eyeballs swelling at a rapid rate to the point of explosion, when the cornea can no longer withhold the pressure within. The entire process on average takes seven seconds.

Side-eye
Chuck Norris, the only man ever to survive the terrible effects of EES. It is obvious that he is awesome.

edit Causes

EES is distinct from and should not be confused with sex, which is a much more severe and damaging. Though statistics collected from the general population show that the occurrence of this disease is rare, several factors contribute it.

Parasitic Eyebrows

Again, the frequency of this disorder occurring is rare, but when a human is exposed to certain environments while possessing parasitic eyebrows, the rate rises. If one were to wish to experience EES, there are a few acts that one could commit with his/her parasitic eyebrows to up the chances:

  • Sexual relations with pine nuts
  • The act of inserting a pie into an unusual orifice
  • Drawing a large, red "L" onto one's forehead
  • Eating quiche
  • Reciting the Preamble to the Constitution in under seven seconds

Symptoms of eye explosion:

  • Itchy Dick/Pussy (Generally the pubic region)
  • If you are a man, erect dick when you look at other men
  • Ejaculate in your pants frequently when other me look at you
  • Dick falls off
  • The constant feeling of wanting to suck your own cock/man tits
  • Looking at Michelle Pang
Pie2
A young man of 4, attempting to insert a fabric pie into his right ear to obtain symptoms of EES

edit Recreation and Abuse

Abuse of this disorder his frequent among teenagers, as all drugs are. Although the side effects are horrific, the high acheived during the explosion of the eyes is well worth the pain and suffering. Sadly enough, one can only acheive this high once, as normal humans only have one pair of eyes. Spiders, however, are able to explode themselves multiple times, and therefore can get high more often, as long as they are able to obtain enough pie.

edit Symptoms

A variety of symptoms occur within 1 - 2 seconds after accumulating the disease. Please contact your doctor if at least two of the following symptoms are present:

  • breathing
  • pulse
  • the swelling of the eyes 4 - 5 times their normal size
  • the urge to consume unlimited amounts of ducks

More serious symptoms include:

  • shriveled eyelids
  • a mutual attraction to deceased dogs
  • bubbling skin

edit Treatment

There is no treatment for Exploding Eye Syndrome. Those who have acquired the disease are doomed for eternity and are destined to experience everlasting pain and asparagus. There are no hopes of recovering either. Sucks for you.

edit History

The earliest cases of EES began to appear around the year 1992. Due to the fact of many grunge bands making music at the time, the increment of stress has increased, causing teenagers to mosh and go insane.


edit Victims of EES

edit See Also

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