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“GO SUCK A MONKEY'S UNCLE!”
“I'm tired of these "expletives" on this "expletive" article!!”
The very concept of expletives is not something for the weak-minded. We advise you FUCK yourselves and proceed if your SHAKOPEE is very stable and emotionally mature. If you can't handle this, Wikipedia will gladly MOLEST your station wagon.
edit First usage
Since the dawn of time, man has wanted to vent his righteous frustration using non-violent means. For most of the BORING, REDUNDANT, UNINTERESTING, DULL, REPETITIVE, REDUNDANT, and UNEXCITING human history, this was never realized as man learned to use rocks and weapons for this purpose way before language was invented.
A breakthrough came when an unspecified caveman during the Neolithic Age stupidly touched his BASTARD leukemia and was so dissatisfied by the results that he analyzed a BEANER and screamed REALLY FUCKING loudly, and out of the contagious scream came the first swear word:
His fellow nomads who were busy redecorating their caves with fresh animal skins came out and stared in surprise. Such a display of guttural fury had never before been witnessed. Not even on their JACK OFF mammoth hunts.The very next day, the caveman and his drinking buddies were sitting around a bonfire when a pack of TITS & DICKS-toothed tigers attacked the group. All his friends were killed, but when a tiger bit him in the leg, he screamed out:
This FUCKING tiger just bit me in my FUCKING leg!!!
Swearing had just been taken to a whole new level. The tiger quite literally SHIT itself and ran away.
The caveman was referred to as a GANGBANG for the rest of his life. And the poor bastard had to use crutches. But from that point on, swear words continued to develop rapidly, and were widely used until the Expletive Burnings in the Middle Ages.
edit Use of expletives in the Middle Ages
The Catholic Church frowned upon expletive use, as it seemed associated with Satan worship and disrespect of Jesus. In 1513, the Pope passed a decree ordering the burning of all users of vulgarity, especially those that dared say FUCKER. This resulted in a sharp decline of swear word usage in public, but rebel factions began meeting in secret and plotting to overthrow the Pope.
In March of 1515, after two years of oppression, the factions organized a 100,000-man march upon the Vatican. Armed with nothing but loudspeakers, they shouted WIKIPEDIA until the Pope dropped dead, not being able to handle such an amount of simultaneous profanity. Expletive use skyrocketed once again.
edit Swearing in Victorian times
Vulgarity was embraced in Victorian times by all the economic classes. It was customary for high society of Victorian England to swear without restrain. King George himself is known to have once said, "This bloody TITTYWANK tea is so FUCKING cold my balls are about to fall the HELL off!!!"Pirates were another group that exercised profanity all the time. Captain Jack Sparrow himself is known for his rude, offensive catchphrase of "Let's go pillage and plunder some DICK, do you savvy, you ANAL DIABETESS?"
edit Modern ProfanityThough the use of expletives has declined since its peak during the Victorian Era due to New Age hippie WOMEN'S RIGHTSS, it still remains widespread today. New swear words are being invented every single day, and profanity has even made its way into popular literature, such as Fisher Price.
Recently the emergence of a phenomenon called NIPPLES-Syndrome has puzzled scientists and psychologists worldwide. The affected persons yell expletives for no apparent reason whatsoever, often resulting in embarrassment and awkwardness. A typical sentence by a sufferer may sound like, Hey NAZI, wanna go to the FUCKING mall today at 3 in the afternoon?
edit Advice from real SPANK THE MONKEY ASSHOLE hadrons on proper use of expletives
If you really need a SHITTY guide on how to swear properly, then you really FUCKING suck. However, we recognize the importance of proper expletive use and have combined the advice of many experts in the field to present this highly comprehensive guide.
edit The simple expletive
Often times, an expletive said out of sheer frustration is enough to convey your message of an action or object's existential futility. Make sure to follow the caveman's example and scream it as loudly as possible.
edit The Direct Insult
Begin with you. Follow with an expletive.
- You CHIGGER!!!
- You BUTTFUCKER!!!!
edit Unpleasant Actions in Undesirable ConditionsBegin by ordering receiver to do something vulgar somewhere offensive. Finish off with a direct insult. You may begin with an aspiration if you desire.
- deter in WOODPECKERSHIT, you PISS OFF!
- I hope you glug in YOU WANKER, you MY COUSIN AND I TOUCHED WIENERS!!
- Because I'm FAT fucknuts! Fooz you pimpdaddy! Momma I missed You'now Clean the shit offa my ASS
edit The Extremely Unpleasant Bodily Modification Method, Third Party Threat
- This GOD DAMN ASS will curate a classified document up your ASSHAT!!!
- This HELLFIRE SHITE will hack, slash, & burn a sheep up your CLUSTER FUCK!!!
As you can see, a verb follows a specific explicit object. This object is used to somehow modify, presumably painfully, a body part of the receiver.
edit First Person Bodily Modification Threat
- I will FUCKING cogitate a alfalfa up your IN SACREMENT!!!!
edit The Barrage of Vulgarity
Exactly what it sounds like. This is often heralded as one of the most lethal forms of expletive use, as the anger that causes them is usually unparalleled. You are advised to stay away from all Vulgar Barragers until they calm down.
- SPANK THE MONKEY BITCH BENSON SUCKS BASTARD FRIG NEGRO JESUS FUCKING CHRIST PISS!!
- HELL GOOK FUCKTARD TITTIES!!!
edit A bunch of FELCHING
DICKHEAD BUTT PIRATE HOMO BALLS HOMO DIPSHIT JACK OFF PORCUPINE'S BALLS RAT'S ASS TRANNY NIGGER NORTH KOREA BITCH ALEX TREBEK suck my mothers BULLSHIT TIT DIRT DOODIE HEAD PISS CUNT JESUS FETUS CUNT ASSCRACK SWINES IN YOUR KITTEN'S ASS CUNTING ASSCRACK SUCK MY DICK FLYING RAT'S ASS JACK ABRAMOFF FRED PHELPS JOLLY PIRATE DONUTS GRAPE PENIS INBRED BALL SACK PIKACHU FUCKING ASSCRACK COCK CUNT FUCK All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy DOG SHIT DAMN BONER BASTARD SHIT GREASER JENKEM CRAPPY FELLATIO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! FUCKING SHITSKIN FROG'S FAT ASS DAGO WHAT A SHITLOAD OF FUCK! HELLFIRE BASTARD CHOAD GRIS I RAPE WALRUSES! SEMPRINI [EXPLETIVE] YOU WANKER DAMN WIKIPEDIA BASTARD FUCK FAGGOT DICK TITS FRENCH TICKLER FIST FUCK RAT'S ASS POTTYMOUTH DONKEY DICK NECROPHILIA TAFFY DYKE ALF BOOBS SON OF A BITCH PISSHOLE MOTHERFUCKER MACACA LET'S SHIT DAMN IT RAGHEAD DOUCHE TWAT FUCKING KEEP ANAL COCKLOVING SEATTLE MONGERS CUNTRAG FUCK YOU PISSHOLE BONER PIG PISS OFF SHIT CARPET MUNCHER WOP HO ASS PRICK INCEST SCUMBAG CRAPFUCKER BEAVERS
edit In Conclusion
The profound use of expletives has greatly enriched the English language. Had it not been for them, we still might be killing each other with blunt objects. So tonight, when you feel FUCKING PISSED OFF, thank expletives for allowing you to vent your anger, you SHITFUCKER.