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“GO SUCK A RAT'S COCK!”
“I'm tired of these "expletives" on this "expletive" article!!”
The very concept of expletives is not something for the weak-minded. We advise you FUCK yourselves and proceed if your DAMN THIS IS GOOD SHIT! FUCK!!!! is very stable and emotionally mature. If you can't handle this, Wikipedia will gladly MOLEST your brisket.
edit Complete Unabridged history of ASSCRACK use
edit First usage
Since the dawn of time, man has wanted to vent his righteous frustration using non-violent means. For most of the BORING, REDUNDANT, UNINTERESTING, DULL, REPETITIVE, REDUNDANT, and UNEXCITING human history, this was never realized as man learned to use rocks and weapons for this purpose way before language was invented.
A breakthrough came when an unspecified caveman during the Neolithic Age easily touched his WIGGER Utility Muffin Research Kitchen and was so dissatisfied by the results that he lolled a RAT'S COCK and screamed REALLY FUCKING loudly, and out of the ambiguous scream came the first swear word:
His fellow nomads who were busy redecorating their caves with fresh animal skins came out and stared in surprise. Such a display of guttural fury had never before been witnessed. Not even on their DICK CHICKEN mammoth hunts.The very next day, the caveman and his drinking buddies were sitting around a bonfire when a pack of SAND NIGGER-toothed tigers attacked the group. All his friends were killed, but when a tiger bit him in the leg, he screamed out:
This FUCKING tiger just bit me in my FUCKING leg!!!
Swearing had just been taken to a whole new level. The tiger quite literally SHIT itself and ran away.
The caveman was referred to as a MOZILLA FIREFOX for the rest of his life. And the poor bastard had to use crutches. But from that point on, swear words continued to develop rapidly, and were widely used until the Expletive Burnings in the Middle Ages.
edit Use of expletives in the Middle Ages
The Catholic Church frowned upon expletive use, as it seemed associated with Satan worship and disrespect of Jesus. In 1513, the Pope passed a decree ordering the burning of all users of vulgarity, especially those that dared say LIKE FATHER LIKE SON. This resulted in a sharp decline of swear word usage in public, but rebel factions began meeting in secret and plotting to overthrow the Pope.
In March of 1515, after two years of oppression, the factions organized a 100,000-man march upon the Vatican. Armed with nothing but loudspeakers, they shouted CUNTBUCKET until the Pope dropped dead, not being able to handle such an amount of simultaneous profanity. Expletive use skyrocketed once again.
edit Swearing in Victorian times
Vulgarity was embraced in Victorian times by all the economic classes. It was customary for high society of Victorian England to swear without restrain. King George himself is known to have once said, "This bloody LARRY MOTHERFUCKING MOFFETT tea is so FUCKING cold my balls are about to fall the HELL off!!!"Pirates were another group that exercised profanity all the time. Captain Jack Sparrow himself is known for his rude, offensive catchphrase of "Let's go pillage and plunder some SON OF A BITCH, do you savvy, you FUCKING FUCKFUCKERS?"
edit Modern ProfanityThough the use of expletives has declined since its peak during the Victorian Era due to New Age hippie FUCKS, it still remains widespread today. New swear words are being invented every single day, and profanity has even made its way into popular literature, such as Fisher Price.
Recently the emergence of a phenomenon called RUSKIE-Syndrome has puzzled scientists and psychologists worldwide. The affected persons yell expletives for no apparent reason whatsoever, often resulting in embarrassment and awkwardness. A typical sentence by a sufferer may sound like, Hey BEANER, wanna go to the FUCKING mall today at 3 in the afternoon?
edit Advice from real NICARAGUA BLOWJOB jungles on proper use of expletives
If you really need a SHITTY guide on how to swear properly, then you really FUCKING suck. However, we recognize the importance of proper expletive use and have combined the advice of many experts in the field to present this highly comprehensive guide.
edit The simple expletive
Often times, an expletive said out of sheer frustration is enough to convey your message of an action or object's existential futility. Make sure to follow the caveman's example and scream it as loudly as possible.
- PISS CUNT JESUS FETUS!!!
- I WILL KILL YOU!!!!!!
edit The Direct Insult
Begin with you. Follow with an expletive.
- You FRIG!!!
- You ARSEBADGERS!!!!
edit Unpleasant Actions in Undesirable ConditionsBegin by ordering receiver to do something vulgar somewhere offensive. Finish off with a direct insult. You may begin with an aspiration if you desire.
- burn in DAMN, you YID!
- I hope you geld in AUTOFELLATIO, you BALL SACK!!
- Because I'm FAT fucknuts! Fooz you pimpdaddy! Momma I missed You'now Clean the shit offa my ASS
edit The Extremely Unpleasant Bodily Modification Method, Third Party Threat
- This FAG MOTHERFUCKER will cruise a tractor up your EXPLETIVE!!!
- This TOTAL FAG will crystallize a PINGA up your VENEREAL DISEASE!!!
As you can see, a verb follows a specific explicit object. This object is used to somehow modify, presumably painfully, a body part of the receiver.
edit First Person Bodily Modification Threat
Extremely similar to the previous method, except in this case you grow some WETBACK and threaten the receiver yourself.
- I will FUCKING navigate a pile of flaming horse feces up your HADJI!!!!
edit The Barrage of Vulgarity
Exactly what it sounds like. This is often heralded as one of the most lethal forms of expletive use, as the anger that causes them is usually unparalleled. You are advised to stay away from all Vulgar Barragers until they calm down.
- BOOBS NIPPLES JIZZ HOMO VAGINA PEARL NECKLACE DAMN!!
- QUEEF BIGNOSE SPUNK FUCKING!!!
edit A bunch of CUM
ABO SWINES IN YOUR KITTEN'S ASS SHITCOCK BALLS SAMUEL L. JACKSON FUCKING FUCKSTAIN IS AMATA ALMODOVAR VOLUPTUOUS?! PUSSY DIRTY AARDVARK'S LAST GOOD SHIT INBRED POLAK CUNNILINGUS DAMMIT BENSON IS BETTER THAN YOU EPIDIDYMIS DAMN REBECCA BLACK CRAPMUNCHER SHITSLINGING BITCH CLUSTER FUCK DICKWAD ASSHAT GOD DAMN MARCH OF FLAMES FAG FUCK HI, BILLY MAYS HERE ASSBANDIT COCK SCROTUM VENEREAL DISEASE MOTHERFUCKER EPIDIDYMIS BUGGER OFF SHITHEAD NIGGER SHITE SHITTY SHITSLINGING FUCKSTAIN FUCK SHITE COCKING FUCKBOROUGH PIG MOTHERFUCKER DAMN THIS IS GOOD SHIT! FUCK!!!! EXTRA LONG PENIS ARSE WANK DUMBASS TODD LYONS IS BIGGER THAN JESUS SCUMBAG MARGARET THATCHER CUNT NECROPHILIA GENITALIA FUCK YOU PAKI ASSWIPE DIPSHIT IRATEGAMER LOVIN' SHITHEAD WALRUS SHIT TODD LYONS IS BIGGER THAN JESUS GARBAGE DAY! BULLSHIT ROSIE O'DONNELL SHITBALLS FUCK YOU TITTY-SUCKING TWO-BALLED BITCH FLAMING ASS BADGER CRAP FUCKWIT FUCKFACE GIVING HEAD DAMN HELL FUCK DONGSHOVER BENSON IS BETTER THAN YOU FUCK FROG FUCK JACK ABRAMOFF HONKY I FUCKED KIM JONG-IL DIRTY SANCHEZ DICKFACE ASS FELLATIO FAGGOT DIRTY AARDVARK'S LAST GOOD SHIT OSTRICH MY ASS SHIT TWISTY VAGINA FELCHING CHOAD BALLS BUTTFUCKER COWA-FUCKING PIECE OF DOGSHIT I'M FULL OF BATSHIT! MACACA CUNT POLAK HELLFIRE BEAVERS
edit In Conclusion
The profound use of expletives has greatly enriched the English language. Had it not been for them, we still might be killing each other with blunt objects. So tonight, when you feel FUCKING PISSED OFF, thank expletives for allowing you to vent your anger, you GOOD MORNING MR. PHELPS.