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“GO SUCK A WHO TOUCHED MY GUN?!?!”
“I'm tired of these "expletives" on this "expletive" article!!”
The very concept of expletives is not something for the weak-minded. We advise you FUCK yourselves and proceed if your SMEG is very stable and emotionally mature. If you can't handle this, Wikipedia will gladly MOLEST your apple.
edit Complete Unabridged history of CARPET MUNCHER use
edit First usage
Since the dawn of time, man has wanted to vent his righteous frustration using non-violent means. For most of the BORING, REDUNDANT, UNINTERESTING, DULL, REPETITIVE, REDUNDANT, and UNEXCITING human history, this was never realized as man learned to use rocks and weapons for this purpose way before language was invented.
A breakthrough came when an unspecified caveman during the Neolithic Age blaringly touched his TONY LA RUSSA philosopher and was so dissatisfied by the results that he proved a JACKASS and screamed REALLY FUCKING loudly, and out of the belittling scream came the first swear word:
His fellow nomads who were busy redecorating their caves with fresh animal skins came out and stared in surprise. Such a display of guttural fury had never before been witnessed. Not even on their FUCKING mammoth hunts.The very next day, the caveman and his drinking buddies were sitting around a bonfire when a pack of ASSHAT-toothed tigers attacked the group. All his friends were killed, but when a tiger bit him in the leg, he screamed out:
This FUCKING tiger just bit me in my FUCKING leg!!!
Swearing had just been taken to a whole new level. The tiger quite literally SHIT itself and ran away.
The caveman was referred to as a ASSCRACK for the rest of his life. And the poor bastard had to use crutches. But from that point on, swear words continued to develop rapidly, and were widely used until the Expletive Burnings in the Middle Ages.
edit Use of expletives in the Middle Ages
The Catholic Church frowned upon expletive use, as it seemed associated with Satan worship and disrespect of Jesus. In 1513, the Pope passed a decree ordering the burning of all users of vulgarity, especially those that dared say SPIC. This resulted in a sharp decline of swear word usage in public, but rebel factions began meeting in secret and plotting to overthrow the Pope.
In March of 1515, after two years of oppression, the factions organized a 100,000-man march upon the Vatican. Armed with nothing but loudspeakers, they shouted NICARAGUA until the Pope dropped dead, not being able to handle such an amount of simultaneous profanity. Expletive use skyrocketed once again.
edit Swearing in Victorian times
Vulgarity was embraced in Victorian times by all the economic classes. It was customary for high society of Victorian England to swear without restrain. King George himself is known to have once said, "This bloody JACKASS tea is so FUCKING cold my balls are about to fall the HELL off!!!"Pirates were another group that exercised profanity all the time. Captain Jack Sparrow himself is known for his rude, offensive catchphrase of "Let's go pillage and plunder some INCEST, do you savvy, you AY-AY-AYS?"
edit Modern ProfanityThough the use of expletives has declined since its peak during the Victorian Era due to New Age hippie CARPET MUNCHERS, it still remains widespread today. New swear words are being invented every single day, and profanity has even made its way into popular literature, such as Fisher Price.
Recently the emergence of a phenomenon called GOATSE-Syndrome has puzzled scientists and psychologists worldwide. The affected persons yell expletives for no apparent reason whatsoever, often resulting in embarrassment and awkwardness. A typical sentence by a sufferer may sound like, Hey ARSE, wanna go to the FUCKING mall today at 3 in the afternoon?
edit Advice from real PUSSY FAT, STINKING BELGIAN BASTARD peacocks on proper use of expletives
If you really need a SHITTY guide on how to swear properly, then you really FUCKING suck. However, we recognize the importance of proper expletive use and have combined the advice of many experts in the field to present this highly comprehensive guide.
edit The simple expletive
Often times, an expletive said out of sheer frustration is enough to convey your message of an action or object's existential futility. Make sure to follow the caveman's example and scream it as loudly as possible.
- JACKASS SHIT!!!!!
edit The Direct Insult
Begin with you. Follow with an expletive.
- You GYPSY!!!
- You MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON A MOTHERFUCKING PLANE!!!!
edit Unpleasant Actions in Undesirable ConditionsBegin by ordering receiver to do something vulgar somewhere offensive. Finish off with a direct insult. You may begin with an aspiration if you desire.
- rinse in DOUCHING, you CUNT!
- I hope you receive in DICK, you SHITFACE!!
- Because I'm FAT fucknuts! Fooz you pimpdaddy! Momma I missed You'now Clean the shit offa my ASS
edit The Extremely Unpleasant Bodily Modification Method, Third Party Threat
- This PORCH MONKEY CRAP will taste a ad up your FUCKWIT!!!
- This SPIC FUCKTARD will neuter a operating system up your NEGRO!!!
As you can see, a verb follows a specific explicit object. This object is used to somehow modify, presumably painfully, a body part of the receiver.
edit First Person Bodily Modification Threat
Extremely similar to the previous method, except in this case you grow some INBRED and threaten the receiver yourself.
- I will FUCKING explicate a stamp up your SHITSLINGING!!!!
edit The Barrage of Vulgarity
Exactly what it sounds like. This is often heralded as one of the most lethal forms of expletive use, as the anger that causes them is usually unparalleled. You are advised to stay away from all Vulgar Barragers until they calm down.
- JACKASS SHIT PEEPEE FAG WANKER COCK NIPPLES SHITCUNTING!!
- UNCYCLOPEDIA IS THE WORST!! JACKASS SHIT LAKE TITICACA ASSHOLE!!!
edit A bunch of SEMEN
DARTH VADER DICKFACE SHITFACE YOU WANKER WANK ARSEBADGERS NOW, I AIN'T SAYIN' SHE A GOLD DIGGER! TITTYWANK SCROTUM BUGGER GOLLY GEE WILLIKERS ASSCRACK BUKKAKE WHO TOUCHED MY GUN?!? BRUSH MA TEETH ASSHAT PISS ARTIST NIGGER TITS ASSHOLE DUMBASS PRICK CUNT CRAPPER CUNT CRAPPER TITTY RAPED WITH A PINEAPPLE VAGINA FUCK OFF SHITTY PISS OFF MY ASS PUSSY POLESMOKER CC PLZ DAMN IT BUKKAKE HOT GRITS DOUGHNUT PUNCHER FUCK YOU FAGGOT FUCK OFF ALF COON HORSE SHIT BITCH FELLATIO FUCKING TITS & DICKS SHITE HOLY FUCKING ASS BANANAS KRAUT DAGO YOU CAN'T DO SHIT WITHOUT YOUR BALLS SOD WINDOWS VISTA SHITSLINGING BULLSHIT PISS UP MY ARSE TITS ASSFACE D'OH SEMEN CROTCH JESSE McCARTNEY TOWELHEAD SUCK A BIG DICK BITCH FUCK DIPSHIT TAFFY ASSHAT TIMBER NIGGER SAND NIGGER RUSKIE SPICY CUNT FUCK BORDER HOPPER TITS I'LL RAPE YOU CUNT BASTARD SHITE SUCK COCKS IN HELL! MOCKIE FUCK YOU EMO CUNT BUGFUCK DOWN WITH THIS SORT OF THING! WIKIPEDIA MONTEZUMA'S REVENGE FUCKBAG DRAMA PRICK SHITE DOUCHE FUDGEPACKER MARY WHITEHOUSE WINDOWS VISTA PISS ARTIST REDSKIN YID CRAPFUCKER DICKHEAD ASS GENITALIA GOOK FUCKHEAD VENEREAL DISEASE BEAVERS
edit In Conclusion
The profound use of expletives has greatly enriched the English language. Had it not been for them, we still might be killing each other with blunt objects. So tonight, when you feel FUCKING PISSED OFF, thank expletives for allowing you to vent your anger, you DAMMIT.