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“GO SUCK A ORGASM!”
“I'm tired of these "expletives" on this "expletive" article!!”
The very concept of expletives is not something for the weak-minded. We advise you FUCK yourselves and proceed if your FUCK is very stable and emotionally mature. If you can't handle this, Wikipedia will gladly MOLEST your anchovies.
edit Complete Unabridged history of TOSSER use
edit First usage
Since the dawn of time, man has wanted to vent his righteous frustration using non-violent means. For most of the BORING, REDUNDANT, UNINTERESTING, DULL, REPETITIVE, REDUNDANT, and UNEXCITING human history, this was never realized as man learned to use rocks and weapons for this purpose way before language was invented.
A breakthrough came when an unspecified caveman during the Neolithic Age oddly touched his BOOBS cob and was so dissatisfied by the results that he programmed a GIVING HEAD and screamed REALLY FUCKING loudly, and out of the yellow-bellied scream came the first swear word:
His fellow nomads who were busy redecorating their caves with fresh animal skins came out and stared in surprise. Such a display of guttural fury had never before been witnessed. Not even on their FUCKSTAIN mammoth hunts.fire when a pack of GO COUNT YOUR DICK-toothed tigers attacked the group. All his friends were killed, but when a tiger bit him in the leg, he screamed out:
This FUCKING tiger just bit me in my FUCKING leg!!!
Swearing had just been taken to a whole new level. The tiger quite literally SHIT itself and ran away.
The caveman was referred to as a DILDO for the rest of his life. And the poor bastard had to use crutches. But from that point on, swear words continued to develop rapidly, and were widely used until the Expletive Burnings in the Middle Ages.
edit Use of expletives in the Middle Ages
The Catholic Church frowned upon expletive use, as it seemed associated with Satan worship and disrespect of Jesus. In 1513, the Pope passed a decree ordering the burning of all users of vulgarity, especially those that dared say TAMPON IN MY ASS. This resulted in a sharp decline of swear word usage in public, but rebel factions began meeting in secret and plotting to overthrow the Pope.
In March of 1515, after two years of oppression, the factions organized a 100,000-man march upon the Vatican. Armed with nothing but loudspeakers, they shouted SHITCOCK until the Pope dropped dead, not being able to handle such an amount of simultaneous profanity. Expletive use skyrocketed once again.
edit Swearing in Victorian times
Vulgarity was embraced in Victorian times by all the economic classes. It was customary for high society of Victorian England to swear without restrain. King George himself is known to have once said, "This bloody JACKASS tea is so FUCKING cold my balls are about to fall the HELL off!!!"Pirates were another group that exercised profanity all the time. Captain Jack Sparrow himself is known for his rude, offensive catchphrase of "Let's go pillage and plunder some BUTT PIRATE, do you savvy, you MOTHERFUCKERS?"
edit Modern ProfanityFisher Price.
Recently the emergence of a phenomenon called SHITFUCKER-Syndrome has puzzled scientists and psychologists worldwide. The affected persons yell expletives for no apparent reason whatsoever, often resulting in embarrassment and awkwardness. A typical sentence by a sufferer may sound like, Hey SHIT, wanna go to the FUCKING mall today at 3 in the afternoon?
edit Advice from real HELL MOTHERFUCKER VCRs on proper use of expletives
If you really need a SHITTY guide on how to swear properly, then you really FUCKING suck. However, we recognize the importance of proper expletive use and have combined the advice of many experts in the field to present this highly comprehensive guide.
edit The simple expletive
Often times, an expletive said out of sheer frustration is enough to convey your message of an action or object's existential futility. Make sure to follow the caveman's example and scream it as loudly as possible.
edit The Direct Insult
Begin with you. Follow with an expletive.
- You DOODIE HEAD!!!
- You SHITFACE!!!!
edit Unpleasant Actions in Undesirable Conditions
- graphitize in SON OF A BITCH, you BUDDHISM!
- I hope you hump in PEARL NECKLACE, you GOD DAMMIT!!
- Because I'm FAT fucknuts! Fooz you pimpdaddy! Momma I missed You'now Clean the shit offa my ASS
edit The Extremely Unpleasant Bodily Modification Method, Third Party Threat
- This SEX INJUN will swim a kitten piccata up your PISS UP MY ARSE!!!
- This SHITE PISS will problematize a zipper up your TWAT!!!
As you can see, a verb follows a specific explicit object. This object is used to somehow modify, presumably painfully, a body part of the receiver.
edit First Person Bodily Modification Threat
Extremely similar to the previous method, except in this case you grow some RAT'S COCK and threaten the receiver yourself.
- I will FUCKING hack a vomit up your BULLCRAP!!!!
edit The Barrage of Vulgarity
Exactly what it sounds like. This is often heralded as one of the most lethal forms of expletive use, as the anger that causes them is usually unparalleled. You are advised to stay away from all Vulgar Barragers until they calm down.
- GOOD MORNING MR. PHELPS CRACKER GIVING HEAD GO COUNT YOUR DICK KAFFIR SHITE FU SPANG!!
- CLEMEN TITTIES TITTIES SECOND BALLS!!!
edit A bunch of CRAP ON A STICK
RUSKIE BITCH GIVING HEAD LET'S SHIT PISS ARTIST BUTT-FOR-BRAINS BUKKAKE CHICKEN SHIT PEARL NECKLACE 666 SHITLICKING MONKEY SCROTUM TACO FELLATIO RICK MORANIS WANK FUCKTARD GOLLY GEE WILLIKERS BITCH NEGRO PUPPIES FAT, STINKING BELGIAN BASTARD MR. DRESSUP CAN KISS MY ASS! MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON A MOTHERFUCKING PLANE DICKLICK ROSIE O'DONNELL LAKE TITICACA RAGHEAD MONKEY SHIT PISSHOLE GREASER HONKY CUNTRAG HEIL HITLER! RAGHEAD FUCK FUCKHEAD FUCKBAG ASS ASSBANDIT SHITSLINGING FUCKING A BUTTFUCKER TOWELHEAD JAP CLEVELAND STEAMER MASTURBATION ANAL DIABETES BITCH ASSCRACK MONKEY BALLS DICKHEAD DILDO PIECE OF CHICKEN SHIT STUB JENKEM ASSRAPING NECROPHILIA JIZZ DICKFACE JOHN SMILEY FACE ASSHAT SCUMBAG SAGGY TITS SPICY CUNT FUCK DUNE COON SHIT LIKE A HORSE BONER MOTHERFUCKER FUCKWIT MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON A MOTHERFUCKING PLANE BALLS HIV NEGATIVE suck my mothers NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! FUCK AY-AY-AY FUCKER HORSE PENIS CLEVELAND STEAMER DOUCHING NECROPHILIA GOD DAMN JACKASS FUCK OFF FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK DARTH VADER I DID IT FOR THE LULZ DAMN THIS IS GOOD SHIT! FUCK!!!! SHITTY FUCK YO COUCH, NIGGA D'OH BASTARD DOUCHEBAG PISS OFF AMERICA ONLINE BUGFUCK DILDO SHITSLINGING PECKERHEAD PRICK FLYING RAT'S ASS POMMIE HAIL SATAN! STUB FUCKING BEAVERS
edit In Conclusion
The profound use of expletives has greatly enriched the English language. Had it not been for them, we still might be killing each other with blunt objects. So tonight, when you feel FUCKING PISSED OFF, thank expletives for allowing you to vent your anger, you WIGGER.