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“GO SUCK A JOHN ELWAY!”
“I'm tired of these "expletives" on this "expletive" article!!”
The very concept of expletives is not something for the weak-minded. We advise you FUCK yourselves and proceed if your SWINES IN YOUR KITTEN'S ASS is very stable and emotionally mature. If you can't handle this, Wikipedia will gladly MOLEST your brickbat.
edit Complete Unabridged history of DICKFACE use
edit First usage
Since the dawn of time, man has wanted to vent his righteous frustration using non-violent means. For most of the BORING, REDUNDANT, UNINTERESTING, DULL, REPETITIVE, REDUNDANT, and UNEXCITING human history, this was never realized as man learned to use rocks and weapons for this purpose way before language was invented.
A breakthrough came when an unspecified caveman during the Neolithic Age neurotically touched his FUCK OFF minecart and was so dissatisfied by the results that he matured a DOUCHEBAG and screamed REALLY FUCKING loudly, and out of the erect scream came the first swear word:
His fellow nomads who were busy redecorating their caves with fresh animal skins came out and stared in surprise. Such a display of guttural fury had never before been witnessed. Not even on their JOHNNY mammoth hunts.The very next day, the caveman and his drinking buddies were sitting around a bonfire when a pack of DIPSHIT-toothed tigers attacked the group. All his friends were killed, but when a tiger bit him in the leg, he screamed out:
This FUCKING tiger just bit me in my FUCKING leg!!!
Swearing had just been taken to a whole new level. The tiger quite literally SHIT itself and ran away.
The caveman was referred to as a WILLY WONKA for the rest of his life. And the poor bastard had to use crutches. But from that point on, swear words continued to develop rapidly, and were widely used until the Expletive Burnings in the Middle Ages.
edit Use of expletives in the Middle Ages
The Catholic Church frowned upon expletive use, as it seemed associated with Satan worship and disrespect of Jesus. In 1513, the Pope passed a decree ordering the burning of all users of vulgarity, especially those that dared say ORGASM. This resulted in a sharp decline of swear word usage in public, but rebel factions began meeting in secret and plotting to overthrow the Pope.
In March of 1515, after two years of oppression, the factions organized a 100,000-man march upon the Vatican. Armed with nothing but loudspeakers, they shouted FUCKTARD until the Pope dropped dead, not being able to handle such an amount of simultaneous profanity. Expletive use skyrocketed once again.
edit Swearing in Victorian times
Vulgarity was embraced in Victorian times by all the economic classes. It was customary for high society of Victorian England to swear without restrain. King George himself is known to have once said, "This bloody FUCKHEAD tea is so FUCKING cold my balls are about to fall the HELL off!!!"Pirates were another group that exercised profanity all the time. Captain Jack Sparrow himself is known for his rude, offensive catchphrase of "Let's go pillage and plunder some DICK IN A BOX, do you savvy, you PIGFUCKERS?"
edit Modern ProfanityThough the use of expletives has declined since its peak during the Victorian Era due to New Age hippie FIRECROTCHS, it still remains widespread today. New swear words are being invented every single day, and profanity has even made its way into popular literature, such as Fisher Price.
Recently the emergence of a phenomenon called FUCKHEAD-Syndrome has puzzled scientists and psychologists worldwide. The affected persons yell expletives for no apparent reason whatsoever, often resulting in embarrassment and awkwardness. A typical sentence by a sufferer may sound like, Hey SHITE, wanna go to the FUCKING mall today at 3 in the afternoon?
edit Advice from real I'LL RAPE YOU ASSHOLE Oldsmobiles on proper use of expletives
If you really need a SHITTY guide on how to swear properly, then you really FUCKING suck. However, we recognize the importance of proper expletive use and have combined the advice of many experts in the field to present this highly comprehensive guide.
edit The simple expletive
Often times, an expletive said out of sheer frustration is enough to convey your message of an action or object's existential futility. Make sure to follow the caveman's example and scream it as loudly as possible.
- EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA!!!!!
edit The Direct Insult
Begin with you. Follow with an expletive.
- You JERRY!!!
- You CAPITALISM!!!!
edit Unpleasant Actions in Undesirable ConditionsBegin by ordering receiver to do something vulgar somewhere offensive. Finish off with a direct insult. You may begin with an aspiration if you desire.
- program in SHITTY, you ART METAL PRODUCTS!
- I hope you fuck in COON, you JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!
- Because I'm FAT fucknuts! Fooz you pimpdaddy! Momma I missed You'now Clean the shit offa my ASS
edit The Extremely Unpleasant Bodily Modification Method, Third Party Threat
- This BUTTFUCKER BASTARD will agree a Volkswagen up your FUCKSTAIN!!!
- This TITTY RAPED WITH A PINEAPPLE FAGGOT will zap a feng shui up your FUCKER!!!
As you can see, a verb follows a specific explicit object. This object is used to somehow modify, presumably painfully, a body part of the receiver.
edit First Person Bodily Modification Threat
Extremely similar to the previous method, except in this case you grow some SHIT and threaten the receiver yourself.
- I will FUCKING rebel a aerodynamics up your KRAUT!!!!
edit The Barrage of Vulgarity
Exactly what it sounds like. This is often heralded as one of the most lethal forms of expletive use, as the anger that causes them is usually unparalleled. You are advised to stay away from all Vulgar Barragers until they calm down.
- BARBRA STREISAND SLOPE CLIT POMMIE COON CUNTBUCKET YID!!
- PENISFUCK SPUNK JACKASS TITWANK!!!
edit A bunch of IS AMATA ALMODOVAR VOLUPTUOUS?!
HOLY FUCKING ASS BANANAS ASSFACE ASSFACE CLUSTER FUCK WANKSPLAT PORCH MONKEY FUCKSTAIN SOD OFF FUCKSTAIN FUCKWIT WIENER FLYING RAT'S ASS BALLS JAP LENS CRAFTERS WANK ZOMBIE DIAPER POOP BRITNEY JOHN ELWAY MALL SANTA COCK CRACKER CLUSTER FUCK WHORE FRIG JERK OFF JACK OFF ASS GOD DAMN SHITHEAD FROG'S FAT ASS YOU WANKER I'LL RAPE YOU TURD HEIL HITLER! CHAV SHITSLINGING I WILL CHRIST YOU A HIT OF FIST DUMBASS DOWN WITH THIS SORT OF THING! NI AMERICA ONLINE MOCKIE TACO DUMBASS PISSHOLE CUNTING ASSCRACK DONKEY PUNCHER BLUMPKIN FUCKTARD PIGFUCKER SHITCOCK BLISTERING BARNACLES SPICY CUNT FUCK 60 MINUTES IS A PIECE OF SHIT JACKASS SHIT HELL SON OF A BITCH DICKHEAD CUNTRAG TITWANK FELLATIO WOMEN'S RIGHTS RAGHEAD ASSFACE TITS YOU WANKER PENIS BITCH QUEEF CAMEL JOCKEY ASSHAT ARSE FUCK PRIME MINISTER OF THE UNITED KINGDOM FUCKER FUCK MILF COON ART METAL PRODUCTS ALF PISSHOLE IRATEGAMER LOVIN' SHITHEAD CRAPPY [EXPLETIVE] CLUSTER FUCK HOLY FUCKING ASS BANANAS ASSHAT RAINBOWS TIT SPRINKLES SHITHEAD BUTTFUCKER SHITSLINGING JESUS H. CHRIST ON A POPSICLE STICK NIPPLES CLUSTER FUCK BASTARD PEARL NECKLACE CUNT CRAPPER SON OF A BITCH SUCK MY DICK NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! DILDO SHITE DAMN BEAVERS
edit In Conclusion
The profound use of expletives has greatly enriched the English language. Had it not been for them, we still might be killing each other with blunt objects. So tonight, when you feel FUCKING PISSED OFF, thank expletives for allowing you to vent your anger, you FUCK.