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“GO SUCK A PEARL NECKLACE!”
“I'm tired of these "expletives" on this "expletive" article!!”
The very concept of expletives is not something for the weak-minded. We advise you FUCK yourselves and proceed if your SPUNK is very stable and emotionally mature. If you can't handle this, Wikipedia will gladly MOLEST your cauldron.
edit Complete Unabridged history of DICK CHICKEN use
edit First usage
Since the dawn of time, man has wanted to vent his righteous frustration using non-violent means. For most of the BORING, REDUNDANT, UNINTERESTING, DULL, REPETITIVE, REDUNDANT, and UNEXCITING human history, this was never realized as man learned to use rocks and weapons for this purpose way before language was invented.
A breakthrough came when an unspecified caveman during the Neolithic Age eloquently touched his FOREIGN CURRENCY paper and was so dissatisfied by the results that he absorbed a CUNTRAG and screamed REALLY FUCKING loudly, and out of the spine-chilling scream came the first swear word:
His fellow nomads who were busy redecorating their caves with fresh animal skins came out and stared in surprise. Such a display of guttural fury had never before been witnessed. Not even on their I WILL KILL YOU! mammoth hunts.The very next day, the caveman and his drinking buddies were sitting around a bonfire when a pack of RAT'S ASS-toothed tigers attacked the group. All his friends were killed, but when a tiger bit him in the leg, he screamed out:
This FUCKING tiger just bit me in my FUCKING leg!!!
Swearing had just been taken to a whole new level. The tiger quite literally SHIT itself and ran away.
The caveman was referred to as a ASS for the rest of his life. And the poor bastard had to use crutches. But from that point on, swear words continued to develop rapidly, and were widely used until the Expletive Burnings in the Middle Ages.
edit Use of expletives in the Middle Ages
The Catholic Church frowned upon expletive use, as it seemed associated with Satan worship and disrespect of Jesus. In 1513, the Pope passed a decree ordering the burning of all users of vulgarity, especially those that dared say BASTARD. This resulted in a sharp decline of swear word usage in public, but rebel factions began meeting in secret and plotting to overthrow the Pope.
In March of 1515, after two years of oppression, the factions organized a 100,000-man march upon the Vatican. Armed with nothing but loudspeakers, they shouted SHITE until the Pope dropped dead, not being able to handle such an amount of simultaneous profanity. Expletive use skyrocketed once again.
edit Swearing in Victorian times
Vulgarity was embraced in Victorian times by all the economic classes. It was customary for high society of Victorian England to swear without restrain. King George himself is known to have once said, "This bloody FIRECROTCH tea is so FUCKING cold my balls are about to fall the HELL off!!!"Pirates were another group that exercised profanity all the time. Captain Jack Sparrow himself is known for his rude, offensive catchphrase of "Let's go pillage and plunder some DAMN IT, do you savvy, you WIENERS?"
edit Modern ProfanityThough the use of expletives has declined since its peak during the Victorian Era due to New Age hippie ASSTARD THUNDERCUNTS, it still remains widespread today. New swear words are being invented every single day, and profanity has even made its way into popular literature, such as Fisher Price.
Recently the emergence of a phenomenon called PUSSY-Syndrome has puzzled scientists and psychologists worldwide. The affected persons yell expletives for no apparent reason whatsoever, often resulting in embarrassment and awkwardness. A typical sentence by a sufferer may sound like, Hey ART METAL PRODUCTS, wanna go to the FUCKING mall today at 3 in the afternoon?
edit Advice from real YOU WANKER FUCKHEAD paychecks on proper use of expletives
If you really need a SHITTY guide on how to swear properly, then you really FUCKING suck. However, we recognize the importance of proper expletive use and have combined the advice of many experts in the field to present this highly comprehensive guide.
edit The simple expletive
Often times, an expletive said out of sheer frustration is enough to convey your message of an action or object's existential futility. Make sure to follow the caveman's example and scream it as loudly as possible.
- CC PLZ!!!!!
edit The Direct Insult
Begin with you. Follow with an expletive.
- You RAT'S COCK!!!
- You DICKHEAD!!!!
edit Unpleasant Actions in Undesirable ConditionsBegin by ordering receiver to do something vulgar somewhere offensive. Finish off with a direct insult. You may begin with an aspiration if you desire.
- stir in ASS, you FUCK!
- I hope you ruffle in CUNT, you THONG TASTER!!
- Because I'm FAT fucknuts! Fooz you pimpdaddy! Momma I missed You'now Clean the shit offa my ASS
edit The Extremely Unpleasant Bodily Modification Method, Third Party Threat
- This FUCKWIT TITS will cruise a cob up your FIST FUCK!!!
- This TOSSER SHITSLINGING will recollect a dishrag up your JACKASS!!!
As you can see, a verb follows a specific explicit object. This object is used to somehow modify, presumably painfully, a body part of the receiver.
edit First Person Bodily Modification Threat
Extremely similar to the previous method, except in this case you grow some DAMN IT and threaten the receiver yourself.
- I will FUCKING reward a hybrid engine up your POTTYMOUTH!!!!
edit The Barrage of Vulgarity
Exactly what it sounds like. This is often heralded as one of the most lethal forms of expletive use, as the anger that causes them is usually unparalleled. You are advised to stay away from all Vulgar Barragers until they calm down.
- FUCKING A FUCK YOU FUCK NUGGET PUNANI FUCK YOU WANKER KRAUT!!
- CUNT [Insert dumb, possibly made up racial slur you've never heard before here] BOOBS 30 CASES OF PICKLES!!!
edit A bunch of ASSHAT
RAT'S COCK SHIT FAGGOT CLUSTER FUCK PISS OFF TOSSER POOPY DAMN SEMEN SHITHEAD DICK BITCH NIGGER SHITSLINGING DAMN GOD DAMN GOD DAMN ABO BIGNOSE FOREIGN CURRENCY I WILL KILL YOU! CRIMETHINK CHOAD KISSER GOD BLESS AMERICA DOG SHIT NEGRO MASTURBATION COCK NICARAGUA FOUR-EYES KNOBJOCKEY FOREIGN CURRENCY MOZILLA FIREFOX SOD IS AMATA ALMODOVAR VOLUPTUOUS?! CUNNILINGUS CONDOMS BOOBIES JERK OFF ASSHOLE ASS PISS CUNT JESUS FETUS SHITFACE SHIT COCK WHERE? IS? MY? MOTHER? SUCK A BIG DICK DYKE AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE OI OI OI CLUSTER FUCK CUNT SEX CROTCH PRICK DUMBASS FRAK FLAMING ASS BADGER ALEX TREBEK FUCKSTAIN YID PICKANINNY ASSFACE BASTARD I'LL RAPE YOU RUSTY TROMBONE MOTHERFUCKER PENIS FUCKER BALLS COCKSUCKER YID SPICY CUNT FUCK O CANADA DAMN THIS IS GOOD SHIT! FUCK!!!! TODD LYONS IS BIGGER THAN JESUS BIRD SHIT INCEST HORSE SHIT FUCK YOU LOOTERS AND POLLUTERS MASTURBATION FUCKSTAIN HELL ASS JOHN ELWAY SUITCASE PENIS ARSE HELL KRAUT DUMBASS DONKEY PUNCHER SHITTY BALL SACK SAND NIGGER DIPSHIT CAN'T TAKE HIM ANYWHERE CLIT PUSSY NIGGER PISS [expletive deleted] BULLSHIT FUCKWIT BIRD SHIT SPUNK BEAVERS
edit In Conclusion
The profound use of expletives has greatly enriched the English language. Had it not been for them, we still might be killing each other with blunt objects. So tonight, when you feel FUCKING PISSED OFF, thank expletives for allowing you to vent your anger, you BENCH PRESS.