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“GO SUCK A FENCE JUMPER!”
“I'm tired of these "expletives" on this "expletive" article!!”
The very concept of expletives is not something for the weak-minded. We advise you FUCK yourselves and proceed if your MOCKIE is very stable and emotionally mature. If you can't handle this, Wikipedia will gladly MOLEST your peanut.
edit Complete Unabridged history of WIGGER use
edit First usage
Since the dawn of time, man has wanted to vent his righteous frustration using non-violent means. For most of the BORING, REDUNDANT, UNINTERESTING, DULL, REPETITIVE, REDUNDANT, and UNEXCITING human history, this was never realized as man learned to use rocks and weapons for this purpose way before language was invented.
A breakthrough came when an unspecified caveman during the Neolithic Age fretfully touched his PISSHOLE codpeice and was so dissatisfied by the results that he litigated a URINE-GARGLING and screamed REALLY FUCKING loudly, and out of the remarkable scream came the first swear word:
His fellow nomads who were busy redecorating their caves with fresh animal skins came out and stared in surprise. Such a display of guttural fury had never before been witnessed. Not even on their I FUCKED KIM JONG-IL mammoth hunts.The very next day, the caveman and his drinking buddies were sitting around a bonfire when a pack of BANGKOK-toothed tigers attacked the group. All his friends were killed, but when a tiger bit him in the leg, he screamed out:
This FUCKING tiger just bit me in my FUCKING leg!!!
Swearing had just been taken to a whole new level. The tiger quite literally SHIT itself and ran away.
The caveman was referred to as a TRAITOR TO THE POLISH CAUSE! for the rest of his life. And the poor bastard had to use crutches. But from that point on, swear words continued to develop rapidly, and were widely used until the Expletive Burnings in the Middle Ages.
edit Use of expletives in the Middle Ages
The Catholic Church frowned upon expletive use, as it seemed associated with Satan worship and disrespect of Jesus. In 1513, the Pope passed a decree ordering the burning of all users of vulgarity, especially those that dared say CRAPMUNCHER. This resulted in a sharp decline of swear word usage in public, but rebel factions began meeting in secret and plotting to overthrow the Pope.
In March of 1515, after two years of oppression, the factions organized a 100,000-man march upon the Vatican. Armed with nothing but loudspeakers, they shouted BUTTFUCKER until the Pope dropped dead, not being able to handle such an amount of simultaneous profanity. Expletive use skyrocketed once again.
edit Swearing in Victorian times
Vulgarity was embraced in Victorian times by all the economic classes. It was customary for high society of Victorian England to swear without restrain. King George himself is known to have once said, "This bloody REBECCA BLACK tea is so FUCKING cold my balls are about to fall the HELL off!!!"Pirates were another group that exercised profanity all the time. Captain Jack Sparrow himself is known for his rude, offensive catchphrase of "Let's go pillage and plunder some MOTHERFUCKER, do you savvy, you SODS?"
edit Modern ProfanityThough the use of expletives has declined since its peak during the Victorian Era due to New Age hippie GO HOME AND DIES, it still remains widespread today. New swear words are being invented every single day, and profanity has even made its way into popular literature, such as Fisher Price.
Recently the emergence of a phenomenon called FALSE BENSON-Syndrome has puzzled scientists and psychologists worldwide. The affected persons yell expletives for no apparent reason whatsoever, often resulting in embarrassment and awkwardness. A typical sentence by a sufferer may sound like, Hey MOLDY TITS, wanna go to the FUCKING mall today at 3 in the afternoon?
edit Advice from real HITLER TIT SPRINKLES microscopes on proper use of expletives
If you really need a SHITTY guide on how to swear properly, then you really FUCKING suck. However, we recognize the importance of proper expletive use and have combined the advice of many experts in the field to present this highly comprehensive guide.
edit The simple expletive
Often times, an expletive said out of sheer frustration is enough to convey your message of an action or object's existential futility. Make sure to follow the caveman's example and scream it as loudly as possible.
edit The Direct Insult
Begin with you. Follow with an expletive.
- You FUCK YO COUCH, NIGGA!!!
- You DIRTY AARDVARK'S LAST GOOD SHIT!!!!
edit Unpleasant Actions in Undesirable ConditionsBegin by ordering receiver to do something vulgar somewhere offensive. Finish off with a direct insult. You may begin with an aspiration if you desire.
- hack, slash, & burn in FROG'S FAT ASS, you CHOAD!
- I hope you crinkle in INBRED, you PIECE OF CHICKEN SHIT!!
- Because I'm FAT fucknuts! Fooz you pimpdaddy! Momma I missed You'now Clean the shit offa my ASS
edit The Extremely Unpleasant Bodily Modification Method, Third Party Threat
- This WHO GIVES A FUCKING SHIT?! BLOWJOB will untie a factory up your KRAUT!!!
- This CLIT SHITSLINGING will widen a engraving up your HELLFUCKER!!!
As you can see, a verb follows a specific explicit object. This object is used to somehow modify, presumably painfully, a body part of the receiver.
edit First Person Bodily Modification Threat
Extremely similar to the previous method, except in this case you grow some GOD DAMN and threaten the receiver yourself.
- I will FUCKING seizurize a flightdeck up your MOSES!!!!
edit The Barrage of Vulgarity
Exactly what it sounds like. This is often heralded as one of the most lethal forms of expletive use, as the anger that causes them is usually unparalleled. You are advised to stay away from all Vulgar Barragers until they calm down.
- DOWN WITH THIS SORT OF THING! PIG SHITTY MARGARET THATCHER PIECE OF CHICKEN SHIT DICK IN A BOX LET'S SHIT!!
- AUTOFELLATIO FUCKHEAD BONER PISS ARTIST!!!
edit A bunch of FUCKING
ANAL TITTYWANK PENIS JUSTIN BIEBER AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE OI OI OI GO HOME AND DIE BOOBIES JOHN ELWAY NIGGER NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE OI OI OI EPIDIDYMIS DUMBASS INBRED FUCKING JUMP! I'M FULL OF BATSHIT! PISS OFF CUNT DAMMIT BIRD IN THE HOUSE GOD DAMMIT BLISTERING BARNACLES PUSSY WOODPECKERSHIT SHUT UP, MEG! HELL AAAAAAAAA! TITS I FUCKED KIM JONG-IL NOW, I AIN'T SAYIN' SHE A GOLD DIGGER! PISS ARTIST SHITLICKING MONKEY SCROTUM SEX KIKE CAPTAIN CRUNCH DAMN PEDOPHILIA RANDY TRAVIS FUCKFUCKFUCK PENISFUCK PISS ARTIST ARSEBADGERS DONKEY DICK FROG FRITZ NIGGER BUGFUCK MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON A MOTHERFUCKING PLANE BUTT PIRATE HONKY YOU WANKER FELCHING FUCKWIT MALARKY YOGHURT CANNON FUCKER BULLSHIT FUCK NUGGET AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE OI OI OI SHITBALLS COCKLOVING SEATTLE MONGERS WANK JESUS H. CHRIST ON A POPSICLE STICK ASS MASTURBATION ASSHAT EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA ASSHOLE TAMPONS URINE-GARGLING FUCKTARD COON ASS [Insert dumb, possibly made up racial slur you've never heard before here] BOYCOTT VIACOM! RAPE FUCK POMMIE CUNT ASSCRACK CUNT SOD OFF POLACK FUCKWIT GOATSE FUCK TITS & DICKS TITTY RAPED WITH A PINEAPPLE MALARKY BORDER HOPPER ASS CONDOMS FEWMETS DICKWAD COWA-FUCKING PIECE OF DOGSHIT BUTT-HOLE DUNE COON IT SUCKS MONKEYFUCK PUSSY CHOAD BASTARD SEMEN TESTICLE CHOKE BARBRA STREISAND BORDER HOPPER BEAVERS
edit In Conclusion
The profound use of expletives has greatly enriched the English language. Had it not been for them, we still might be killing each other with blunt objects. So tonight, when you feel FUCKING PISSED OFF, thank expletives for allowing you to vent your anger, you GOD DAMN.