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“GO SUCK A TITTIES!”
“I'm tired of these "expletives" on this "expletive" article!!”
The very concept of expletives is not something for the weak-minded. We advise you FUCK yourselves and proceed if your BASTARD is very stable and emotionally mature. If you can't handle this, Wikipedia will gladly MOLEST your air conditioner.
edit Complete Unabridged history of WANKER use
edit First usage
Since the dawn of time, man has wanted to vent his righteous frustration using non-violent means. For most of the BORING, REDUNDANT, UNINTERESTING, DULL, REPETITIVE, REDUNDANT, and UNEXCITING human history, this was never realized as man learned to use rocks and weapons for this purpose way before language was invented.
A breakthrough came when an unspecified caveman during the Neolithic Age abrasively touched his WANKER lumber and was so dissatisfied by the results that he proved a FUCKSTAIN and screamed REALLY FUCKING loudly, and out of the smug scream came the first swear word:
His fellow nomads who were busy redecorating their caves with fresh animal skins came out and stared in surprise. Such a display of guttural fury had never before been witnessed. Not even on their BEAVER mammoth hunts.The very next day, the caveman and his drinking buddies were sitting around a bonfire when a pack of 60 MINUTES IS A PIECE OF SHIT-toothed tigers attacked the group. All his friends were killed, but when a tiger bit him in the leg, he screamed out:
This FUCKING tiger just bit me in my FUCKING leg!!!
Swearing had just been taken to a whole new level. The tiger quite literally SHIT itself and ran away.
The caveman was referred to as a DOT HEAD for the rest of his life. And the poor bastard had to use crutches. But from that point on, swear words continued to develop rapidly, and were widely used until the Expletive Burnings in the Middle Ages.
edit Use of expletives in the Middle Ages
The Catholic Church frowned upon expletive use, as it seemed associated with Satan worship and disrespect of Jesus. In 1513, the Pope passed a decree ordering the burning of all users of vulgarity, especially those that dared say BITCH. This resulted in a sharp decline of swear word usage in public, but rebel factions began meeting in secret and plotting to overthrow the Pope.
In March of 1515, after two years of oppression, the factions organized a 100,000-man march upon the Vatican. Armed with nothing but loudspeakers, they shouted RECTUM RAIDER until the Pope dropped dead, not being able to handle such an amount of simultaneous profanity. Expletive use skyrocketed once again.
edit Swearing in Victorian times
Vulgarity was embraced in Victorian times by all the economic classes. It was customary for high society of Victorian England to swear without restrain. King George himself is known to have once said, "This bloody FUCK tea is so FUCKING cold my balls are about to fall the HELL off!!!"Pirates were another group that exercised profanity all the time. Captain Jack Sparrow himself is known for his rude, offensive catchphrase of "Let's go pillage and plunder some CRAP ON A STICK, do you savvy, you BELLENDS?"
edit Modern ProfanityThough the use of expletives has declined since its peak during the Victorian Era due to New Age hippie ASSS, it still remains widespread today. New swear words are being invented every single day, and profanity has even made its way into popular literature, such as Fisher Price.
Recently the emergence of a phenomenon called JERRY-Syndrome has puzzled scientists and psychologists worldwide. The affected persons yell expletives for no apparent reason whatsoever, often resulting in embarrassment and awkwardness. A typical sentence by a sufferer may sound like, Hey DICK CHICKEN, wanna go to the FUCKING mall today at 3 in the afternoon?
edit Advice from real POOPY D'OH communists on proper use of expletives
If you really need a SHITTY guide on how to swear properly, then you really FUCKING suck. However, we recognize the importance of proper expletive use and have combined the advice of many experts in the field to present this highly comprehensive guide.
edit The simple expletive
Often times, an expletive said out of sheer frustration is enough to convey your message of an action or object's existential futility. Make sure to follow the caveman's example and scream it as loudly as possible.
- NINE-AND-A-HALF INCHES!!!
edit The Direct Insult
Begin with you. Follow with an expletive.
- You OLD CHRIST OF A!!!
- You TODD LYONS IS BIGGER THAN JESUS!!!!
edit Unpleasant Actions in Undesirable ConditionsBegin by ordering receiver to do something vulgar somewhere offensive. Finish off with a direct insult. You may begin with an aspiration if you desire.
- complement in HONKY, you TRANNY!
- I hope you ASPLODE in CUNTRAG, you BLUMPKIN!!
- Because I'm FAT fucknuts! Fooz you pimpdaddy! Momma I missed You'now Clean the shit offa my ASS
edit The Extremely Unpleasant Bodily Modification Method, Third Party Threat
- This SHITE MOLDY TITS will remix a peanut up your FUCK!!!
- This FUCK YOU CHING CHONG CHINK will cure a high-powered laser rifle up your BIGNOSE!!!
As you can see, a verb follows a specific explicit object. This object is used to somehow modify, presumably painfully, a body part of the receiver.
edit First Person Bodily Modification Threat
Extremely similar to the previous method, except in this case you grow some QUEEF and threaten the receiver yourself.
- I will FUCKING insult a tyrant up your JOHNNY!!!!
edit The Barrage of Vulgarity
Exactly what it sounds like. This is often heralded as one of the most lethal forms of expletive use, as the anger that causes them is usually unparalleled. You are advised to stay away from all Vulgar Barragers until they calm down.
- SMEG BUTT-HEAD DAMMIT TIT SPRINKLES BULLSHIT SHITBALLS BIRD SHIT!!
- I'M FULL OF BATSHIT! ASS LICKER ASSWIPE RIVER CRABS SUCK!!!
edit A bunch of TENTACLE RAPE
HELL WANK KIKE SHITFUCKER DAMN COCKSMOKER HORSE SHIT WANK JUNGLE BUNNY RAT'S COCK TITMOUSE JERK OFF GOD DAMMIT KAFFIR RAGHEAD NEGRO ARFENHOUSE FUCK YOU NIGNOG JOHNNY SHIT HORSE SHIT SHITCOCK SHITE FUCKHEAD SHIT BOB SAGET CHIGGER SONNY BILL WILLIAMS SACRAMENTO ASSTARD THUNDERCUNT JELLY BEANS REDNECK GANGBANG SHITE DICKHEAD BALL SACK CLUSTER FUCK COCKSHITTER RAT'S COCK MALARKY ORGASM ASS AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE OI OI OI GOOD MORNING MR. PHELPS PORCH MONKEY BLOWJOB FENCE JUMPER DAMN TOWELHEAD LARRY MOTHERFUCKING MOFFETT FUCK YOU ASSHAT BUTTFUCKER COCK NIPPLES ASS GOD DAMN WALRUS SHIT SHITE ASSWIPE DICKFACE HELL RIVER CRABS SUCK COCKSMOKER CHINK BATHING SUIT AREA NIPPLES WOMEN'S RIGHTS SHITFACE CUM DAMMIT SHITHEAD NIGGER FUCKING A CRAP ON A STICK ASS SHIT PISS CUNT JESUS FETUS FUCKHEAD PISS ARTIST DICKHEAD GIVING HEAD MOZILLA FIREFOX SEMPRINI CRAPMUNCHER DIPSHIT ANAL FENCE JUMPER FUCKFACE LOOTERS AND POLLUTERS FUCKING HOT GRITS JAP FAT, STINKING BELGIAN BASTARD ASSRAMMER JACKASS SHIT MR. DRESSUP CAN KISS MY ASS! DAMMIT SPIC URINE-GARGLING BULLSHIT HELL YOUR MOM RAPE BEAVERS
edit In Conclusion
The profound use of expletives has greatly enriched the English language. Had it not been for them, we still might be killing each other with blunt objects. So tonight, when you feel FUCKING PISSED OFF, thank expletives for allowing you to vent your anger, you FUCKSTAIN.