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“GO SUCK A HELL!”
“I'm tired of these "expletives" on this "expletive" article!!”
The very concept of expletives is not something for the weak-minded. We advise you FUCK yourselves and proceed if your HELL is very stable and emotionally mature. If you can't handle this, Wikipedia will gladly MOLEST your tong.
edit Complete Unabridged history of SHIT use
edit First usage
Since the dawn of time, man has wanted to vent his righteous frustration using non-violent means. For most of the BORING, REDUNDANT, UNINTERESTING, DULL, REPETITIVE, REDUNDANT, and UNEXCITING human history, this was never realized as man learned to use rocks and weapons for this purpose way before language was invented.
A breakthrough came when an unspecified caveman during the Neolithic Age sometimes touched his CUNT holster and was so dissatisfied by the results that he cogitated a BRUSH MA TEETH and screamed REALLY FUCKING loudly, and out of the colossal scream came the first swear word:
His fellow nomads who were busy redecorating their caves with fresh animal skins came out and stared in surprise. Such a display of guttural fury had never before been witnessed. Not even on their ENCYCLOPÆDIA DRAMATICA mammoth hunts.The very next day, the caveman and his drinking buddies were sitting around a bonfire when a pack of SON OF AN ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH-toothed tigers attacked the group. All his friends were killed, but when a tiger bit him in the leg, he screamed out:
This FUCKING tiger just bit me in my FUCKING leg!!!
Swearing had just been taken to a whole new level. The tiger quite literally SHIT itself and ran away.
The caveman was referred to as a FUCK YOU for the rest of his life. And the poor bastard had to use crutches. But from that point on, swear words continued to develop rapidly, and were widely used until the Expletive Burnings in the Middle Ages.
edit Use of expletives in the Middle Ages
The Catholic Church frowned upon expletive use, as it seemed associated with Satan worship and disrespect of Jesus. In 1513, the Pope passed a decree ordering the burning of all users of vulgarity, especially those that dared say POMMIE. This resulted in a sharp decline of swear word usage in public, but rebel factions began meeting in secret and plotting to overthrow the Pope.
In March of 1515, after two years of oppression, the factions organized a 100,000-man march upon the Vatican. Armed with nothing but loudspeakers, they shouted SCROTUM until the Pope dropped dead, not being able to handle such an amount of simultaneous profanity. Expletive use skyrocketed once again.
edit Swearing in Victorian times
Vulgarity was embraced in Victorian times by all the economic classes. It was customary for high society of Victorian England to swear without restrain. King George himself is known to have once said, "This bloody CRAPMUNCHER tea is so FUCKING cold my balls are about to fall the HELL off!!!"Pirates were another group that exercised profanity all the time. Captain Jack Sparrow himself is known for his rude, offensive catchphrase of "Let's go pillage and plunder some DAMN, do you savvy, you CUNT LAPPERS?"
edit Modern ProfanityThough the use of expletives has declined since its peak during the Victorian Era due to New Age hippie DOUCHES, it still remains widespread today. New swear words are being invented every single day, and profanity has even made its way into popular literature, such as Fisher Price.
Recently the emergence of a phenomenon called FUCKFACE-Syndrome has puzzled scientists and psychologists worldwide. The affected persons yell expletives for no apparent reason whatsoever, often resulting in embarrassment and awkwardness. A typical sentence by a sufferer may sound like, Hey WARNER MUSIC GROUP, wanna go to the FUCKING mall today at 3 in the afternoon?
edit Advice from real DOUCHEBAG ALF antidisestablishmentarianists on proper use of expletives
If you really need a SHITTY guide on how to swear properly, then you really FUCKING suck. However, we recognize the importance of proper expletive use and have combined the advice of many experts in the field to present this highly comprehensive guide.
edit The simple expletive
Often times, an expletive said out of sheer frustration is enough to convey your message of an action or object's existential futility. Make sure to follow the caveman's example and scream it as loudly as possible.
edit The Direct Insult
Begin with you. Follow with an expletive.
- You MACACA!!!
- You FUCK A DUCK!!!!
edit Unpleasant Actions in Undesirable ConditionsBegin by ordering receiver to do something vulgar somewhere offensive. Finish off with a direct insult. You may begin with an aspiration if you desire.
- hurt in COCK, you BALL SACK!
- I hope you discalceate in SCUMBAG, you BOLLOCKS!!
- Because I'm FAT fucknuts! Fooz you pimpdaddy! Momma I missed You'now Clean the shit offa my ASS
edit The Extremely Unpleasant Bodily Modification Method, Third Party Threat
- This BIRD SHIT NIPPLES will vomit a Toyota up your NINE-AND-A-HALF INCHES!!!
- This BORDER HOPPER FUCKER will give a wall up your FAT, STINKING BELGIAN BASTARD!!!
As you can see, a verb follows a specific explicit object. This object is used to somehow modify, presumably painfully, a body part of the receiver.
edit First Person Bodily Modification Threat
Extremely similar to the previous method, except in this case you grow some MICK and threaten the receiver yourself.
- I will FUCKING shit a boar up your LIKE FATHER LIKE SON!!!!
edit The Barrage of Vulgarity
Exactly what it sounds like. This is often heralded as one of the most lethal forms of expletive use, as the anger that causes them is usually unparalleled. You are advised to stay away from all Vulgar Barragers until they calm down.
- CUNT HOSER CAPTAIN CRUNCH NECROPHILIA FROG'S FAT ASS CUNT SIGMUND FREUD!!
- AUTOFELLATIO DAMN SHIT BUGFUCK!!!
edit A bunch of CUNTYMINTS
FUCKING A FUCKWIT DICKFACE FUCKWIT BULLCRAP URINE-GARGLING BRITNEY FUCKSTAIN KIKE BOB SAGET PEARL NECKLACE CHOAD BLOWJOB DOT HEAD SAND NIGGER DICKHEAD SHITFACE DILDO MILF BUTTFUCKER DAMN ASSHOLE PENISBIRD CUNTING ASSCRACK BASTARD CUM CUNTSWILLING SHITFACE FUCK A DUCK SOD LIKE FATHER LIKE SON TITWANK JACKASS JAP ARSE NICARAGUA SHITHEAD CTHULHU FHTAGN DOG FUCKER FUCK P'KANG TITMOUSE STUDENT RIOTS BALL SACK DAMMIT TITTIES FUCK OFF CUNT SOAPY TITWANK [expletive deleted] DUMBASS CLUSTER FUCK GOD DAMMIT SHIT DAMN PRIME MINISTER OF THE UNITED KINGDOM PISS ART METAL PRODUCTS PISS BALLS ASSFACE REDNECK FUCK OFF MOCKIE KAFFIR BOB SAGET ASS DONKEY DICK BOOBIES I'LL RAPE YOU HOMO SHITTING DICK NIPPLES INCEST ASS FASCIST TITWANK WIKIPEDIA ASSHAT DONKEY PUNCHER SHIT LIKE A HORSE TURD BLISTERING BARNACLES FUCKER SUCK MY DICK GENITALIA CHUFF DICKHEAD GANGBANG STEVE BALLMER WANK WALRUS SHIT FUCKFACE HOMO DICKLICK WINDOWS VISTA BUKKAKE INCEST HELL SHITE PIECE OF CHICKEN SHIT CLIT CUM STUDENT RIOTS FUCKSTAIN INCEST SHITFACE BEAVERS
edit In Conclusion
The profound use of expletives has greatly enriched the English language. Had it not been for them, we still might be killing each other with blunt objects. So tonight, when you feel FUCKING PISSED OFF, thank expletives for allowing you to vent your anger, you HOLY DUMB FUCK.