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“GO SUCK A FUCKSTAIN!”
“I'm tired of these "expletives" on this "expletive" article!!”
The very concept of expletives is not something for the weak-minded. We advise you FUCK yourselves and proceed if your SHITTY is very stable and emotionally mature. If you can't handle this, Wikipedia will gladly MOLEST your hitman.
edit Complete Unabridged history of SHITTY use
edit First usage
Since the dawn of time, man has wanted to vent his righteous frustration using non-violent means. For most of the BORING, REDUNDANT, UNINTERESTING, DULL, REPETITIVE, REDUNDANT, and UNEXCITING human history, this was never realized as man learned to use rocks and weapons for this purpose way before language was invented.
A breakthrough came when an unspecified caveman during the Neolithic Age completely touched his ASSHAT lowbrow and was so dissatisfied by the results that he earned a 30 CASES OF PICKLES and screamed REALLY FUCKING loudly, and out of the megalomaniacal scream came the first swear word:
His fellow nomads who were busy redecorating their caves with fresh animal skins came out and stared in surprise. Such a display of guttural fury had never before been witnessed. Not even on their RAT'S ASS mammoth hunts.The very next day, the caveman and his drinking buddies were sitting around a bonfire when a pack of SCROTUM-toothed tigers attacked the group. All his friends were killed, but when a tiger bit him in the leg, he screamed out:
This FUCKING tiger just bit me in my FUCKING leg!!!
Swearing had just been taken to a whole new level. The tiger quite literally SHIT itself and ran away.
The caveman was referred to as a FRIG for the rest of his life. And the poor bastard had to use crutches. But from that point on, swear words continued to develop rapidly, and were widely used until the Expletive Burnings in the Middle Ages.
edit Use of expletives in the Middle Ages
The Catholic Church frowned upon expletive use, as it seemed associated with Satan worship and disrespect of Jesus. In 1513, the Pope passed a decree ordering the burning of all users of vulgarity, especially those that dared say SHIT. This resulted in a sharp decline of swear word usage in public, but rebel factions began meeting in secret and plotting to overthrow the Pope.
In March of 1515, after two years of oppression, the factions organized a 100,000-man march upon the Vatican. Armed with nothing but loudspeakers, they shouted HORSE SHIT until the Pope dropped dead, not being able to handle such an amount of simultaneous profanity. Expletive use skyrocketed once again.
edit Swearing in Victorian times
Vulgarity was embraced in Victorian times by all the economic classes. It was customary for high society of Victorian England to swear without restrain. King George himself is known to have once said, "This bloody IN SACREMENT tea is so FUCKING cold my balls are about to fall the HELL off!!!"Pirates were another group that exercised profanity all the time. Captain Jack Sparrow himself is known for his rude, offensive catchphrase of "Let's go pillage and plunder some RAT'S ASS, do you savvy, you PECKERHEADS?"
edit Modern ProfanityThough the use of expletives has declined since its peak during the Victorian Era due to New Age hippie DYKES, it still remains widespread today. New swear words are being invented every single day, and profanity has even made its way into popular literature, such as Fisher Price.
Recently the emergence of a phenomenon called DARTH VADER-Syndrome has puzzled scientists and psychologists worldwide. The affected persons yell expletives for no apparent reason whatsoever, often resulting in embarrassment and awkwardness. A typical sentence by a sufferer may sound like, Hey MONKEY SHIT, wanna go to the FUCKING mall today at 3 in the afternoon?
edit Advice from real BOLLOCKS GIVING HEAD clocks on proper use of expletives
If you really need a SHITTY guide on how to swear properly, then you really FUCKING suck. However, we recognize the importance of proper expletive use and have combined the advice of many experts in the field to present this highly comprehensive guide.
edit The simple expletive
Often times, an expletive said out of sheer frustration is enough to convey your message of an action or object's existential futility. Make sure to follow the caveman's example and scream it as loudly as possible.
edit The Direct Insult
Begin with you. Follow with an expletive.
- You DAMN!!!
- You JACK OFF!!!!
edit Unpleasant Actions in Undesirable ConditionsBegin by ordering receiver to do something vulgar somewhere offensive. Finish off with a direct insult. You may begin with an aspiration if you desire.
- pass in FELCHMONKEY, you GIVING HEAD!
- I hope you negate in IT SUCKS MONKEYFUCK, you SHITFUCKER!!
- Because I'm FAT fucknuts! Fooz you pimpdaddy! Momma I missed You'now Clean the shit offa my ASS
edit The Extremely Unpleasant Bodily Modification Method, Third Party Threat
- This HELL HADJI will hack a imitation fake vomit up your HELL!!!
- This HI, BILLY MAYS HERE DONKEY PUNCHER will obliterate a monoclonal antibody up your PENIS!!!
As you can see, a verb follows a specific explicit object. This object is used to somehow modify, presumably painfully, a body part of the receiver.
edit First Person Bodily Modification Threat
Extremely similar to the previous method, except in this case you grow some MONKEY'S UNCLE and threaten the receiver yourself.
- I will FUCKING clapperclaw a cliff up your DYKE!!!!
edit The Barrage of Vulgarity
Exactly what it sounds like. This is often heralded as one of the most lethal forms of expletive use, as the anger that causes them is usually unparalleled. You are advised to stay away from all Vulgar Barragers until they calm down.
- TWISTY VAGINA BLUMPKIN PISS DAMN ASSCRACK TITWANK PIGFUCKER!!
- DOUCHING ANAL CLUSTER FUCK SHITBALLS!!!
edit A bunch of NIGGER
DOUCHETITS BOOBS RAT'S COCK SOD OFF GOLLY GEE WILLIKERS FLYING FUCK INBRED CUNT PISSHOLE I FUCKED KIM JONG-IL JERK OFF BASTARD DAGO GOD DAMMIT POMMIE FUCKBAG DOUCHING HELL POTTYMOUTH DOG SHIT DAMMIT MICK TESTICLE CHOKE CLAY AIKEN'S DICK WANK EPIDIDYMIS SHITFACE BULLCRAP YUKKY DOODY CHOAD MALARKY WANK ASS BITCH WANK SHITFACE WANKSPLAT CHUFF BOOBS BORDER HOPPER LET'S SHIT YOU WANKER RAT'S ASS PISS ARTIST FUCK ASS CRAPFUCKER RAPE AAAAAAAAA! SAGGY TITS AND KETCHUP!!!!!!! PENIS AND BALLSMASHERS FUCK SPIC ARSEBADGERS BASTARD FUCKWIT SHITHEAD ASSHOLE MONKEY'S UNCLE DUMBASS JACK ABRAMOFF WIENER MOZILLA FIREFOX PISS UP MY ARSE DIPSHIT BALLS PEDOPHILIA FUCKING FUCKFUCKER DICKWAD BASTARD POO POO BLOWJOB NIGGER GOD DAMN Expletive ON WHEELS!! DICKWAD BULLSHIT TITS BUTT-FOR-BRAINS CUNTING ASSCRACK NOW, I AIN'T SAYIN' SHE A GOLD DIGGER! BITCH FRIG NIGGER BUTT-HOLE FUCKSTAIN GOD BLESS AMERICA POMMIE BOB SAGET ALEX TREBEK PISS FROG'S FAT ASS BITCH PENIS BULLCRAP SHITHEAD BASTARD GOBSHITE SHITCUNTING BOB SAGET GOBSHITE DAMN IT ASSWIPE DICKHEAD TACO HELL ASS FUCKER I DIDN'T VOTE MUGABE BEAVERS
edit In Conclusion
The profound use of expletives has greatly enriched the English language. Had it not been for them, we still might be killing each other with blunt objects. So tonight, when you feel FUCKING PISSED OFF, thank expletives for allowing you to vent your anger, you REDSKIN.