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“GO SUCK A LAKE TITICACA!”
“I'm tired of these "expletives" on this "expletive" article!!”
The very concept of expletives is not something for the weak-minded. We advise you FUCK yourselves and proceed if your GRINGO is very stable and emotionally mature. If you can't handle this, Wikipedia will gladly MOLEST your airplane.
edit Complete Unabridged history of PORCH MONKEY use
edit First usage
Since the dawn of time, man has wanted to vent his righteous frustration using non-violent means. For most of the BORING, REDUNDANT, UNINTERESTING, DULL, REPETITIVE, REDUNDANT, and UNEXCITING human history, this was never realized as man learned to use rocks and weapons for this purpose way before language was invented.
A breakthrough came when an unspecified caveman during the Neolithic Age bitterly touched his FUCKTARD blow-up doll and was so dissatisfied by the results that he litigated a DUMBASS and screamed REALLY FUCKING loudly, and out of the sumptuous scream came the first swear word:
His fellow nomads who were busy redecorating their caves with fresh animal skins came out and stared in surprise. Such a display of guttural fury had never before been witnessed. Not even on their HEIL HITLER! mammoth hunts.The very next day, the caveman and his drinking buddies were sitting around a bonfire when a pack of ASSWIPE-toothed tigers attacked the group. All his friends were killed, but when a tiger bit him in the leg, he screamed out:
This FUCKING tiger just bit me in my FUCKING leg!!!
Swearing had just been taken to a whole new level. The tiger quite literally SHIT itself and ran away.
The caveman was referred to as a SPANK THE MONKEY for the rest of his life. And the poor bastard had to use crutches. But from that point on, swear words continued to develop rapidly, and were widely used until the Expletive Burnings in the Middle Ages.
edit Use of expletives in the Middle Ages
The Catholic Church frowned upon expletive use, as it seemed associated with Satan worship and disrespect of Jesus. In 1513, the Pope passed a decree ordering the burning of all users of vulgarity, especially those that dared say JOHN ELWAY. This resulted in a sharp decline of swear word usage in public, but rebel factions began meeting in secret and plotting to overthrow the Pope.
In March of 1515, after two years of oppression, the factions organized a 100,000-man march upon the Vatican. Armed with nothing but loudspeakers, they shouted SWINES IN YOUR KITTEN'S ASS until the Pope dropped dead, not being able to handle such an amount of simultaneous profanity. Expletive use skyrocketed once again.
edit Swearing in Victorian times
Vulgarity was embraced in Victorian times by all the economic classes. It was customary for high society of Victorian England to swear without restrain. King George himself is known to have once said, "This bloody BIG HAIRY CRUSTY HORSE VAGINA tea is so FUCKING cold my balls are about to fall the HELL off!!!"Pirates were another group that exercised profanity all the time. Captain Jack Sparrow himself is known for his rude, offensive catchphrase of "Let's go pillage and plunder some JACKASS, do you savvy, you MOTHERFUCKERS?"
edit Modern ProfanityThough the use of expletives has declined since its peak during the Victorian Era due to New Age hippie SHITSKINS, it still remains widespread today. New swear words are being invented every single day, and profanity has even made its way into popular literature, such as Fisher Price.
Recently the emergence of a phenomenon called CLUSTER FUCK-Syndrome has puzzled scientists and psychologists worldwide. The affected persons yell expletives for no apparent reason whatsoever, often resulting in embarrassment and awkwardness. A typical sentence by a sufferer may sound like, Hey JOHN SMILEY FACE, wanna go to the FUCKING mall today at 3 in the afternoon?
edit Advice from real PIECE OF CHICKEN SHIT WANK dollys on proper use of expletives
If you really need a SHITTY guide on how to swear properly, then you really FUCKING suck. However, we recognize the importance of proper expletive use and have combined the advice of many experts in the field to present this highly comprehensive guide.
edit The simple expletive
Often times, an expletive said out of sheer frustration is enough to convey your message of an action or object's existential futility. Make sure to follow the caveman's example and scream it as loudly as possible.
- COCKJUGGLING THUNDERCUNT!!!!!
edit The Direct Insult
Begin with you. Follow with an expletive.
- You ASSBANDIT!!!
- You SHITE!!!!
edit Unpleasant Actions in Undesirable ConditionsBegin by ordering receiver to do something vulgar somewhere offensive. Finish off with a direct insult. You may begin with an aspiration if you desire.
- smash in CRAP, you PENIS!
- I hope you deceive in DILDO, you JESSE McCARTNEY!!
- Because I'm FAT fucknuts! Fooz you pimpdaddy! Momma I missed You'now Clean the shit offa my ASS
edit The Extremely Unpleasant Bodily Modification Method, Third Party Threat
- This GOD DAMN SHITTY will feast a LSD up your SONNY BILL WILLIAMS!!!
- This FUCK OFF NIGGER will exercise a Ford Pinto up your BASTARD!!!
As you can see, a verb follows a specific explicit object. This object is used to somehow modify, presumably painfully, a body part of the receiver.
edit First Person Bodily Modification Threat
- I will FUCKING erect a Cadillac up your BOOBIES!!!!
edit The Barrage of Vulgarity
Exactly what it sounds like. This is often heralded as one of the most lethal forms of expletive use, as the anger that causes them is usually unparalleled. You are advised to stay away from all Vulgar Barragers until they calm down.
- EPIDIDYMIS BULLSHIT INBRED HELL MOLDY TITS HELL LOLCAT!!
- FELCHMONKEY HELL SHIT NORTH KOREA!!!
edit A bunch of COCKJUGGLING THUNDERCUNT
ASSCRACK SIGMUND FREUD DAMN FUCKSTAIN FUCKING FUCKFUCKER EXTRA LONG PENIS HOLY FUCKING ASS BANANAS COCK PISS CUNT JESUS FETUS CLEVELAND STEAMER CRAPMUNCHER DOUCHING JIGGABOO URINE-GARGLING FUCKHEAD SHIT DAMN PULL THE STRING! PULL THE STRING!! ALF HELL DAMN BALL SACK IS AMATA ALMODOVAR VOLUPTUOUS?! DAMMIT FUCKING SHITSLIDE 30 CASES OF PICKLES JIGGABOO SHITTY BIRD SHIT ORGASM BELLEND HELL TITTIES PEARL NECKLACE GANGBANG MOTHERFUCKER DYKE STEVE BALLMER SHITFACE FUCK OFF FAGGOT JELLY BEANS FUCKHEAD SHITHEAD COCK LAKE TITICACA SPUNK CLEMEN ENCYCLOPÆDIA DRAMATICA VAGINA QUEEF FUCKHEAD PRICK FELCHMONKEY JOHNNY DONKEY PUNCHER BOOBS FUCKTARD BUTTFUCKER DOODIE HEAD PISS ARTIST ASSRAPING CHOAD KISSER MOZILLA FIREFOX SHIT NECROPHILIA GOATSE CRAPMUNCHER I'LL RAPE YOU EMO NECROPHILIA SHITCUNTING CAMEL FUCKER LIMEY DICKFACE SHITLICKING MONKEY SCROTUM TITS & DICKS TWISTY VAGINA INJUN PISS ARTIST CUM CAMEL FUCKER ANAL CLIT I FUCKED KIM JONG-IL FUCKER BALL SACK CRAPPY HER MAJESTY'S ROYAL FLYING RAT'S ASS BASTARD NIGNOG DIPSHIT FUCKSTAIN CUNTING ASSCRACK FUCKBAG JAP GARBAGE DAY! NIGGER [Insert swear here] NIGGER TITS PISS OFF MY ASS FUCKSTAIN SHITSLIDE CHICKEN SHIT BEAVERS
edit In Conclusion
The profound use of expletives has greatly enriched the English language. Had it not been for them, we still might be killing each other with blunt objects. So tonight, when you feel FUCKING PISSED OFF, thank expletives for allowing you to vent your anger, you CRAPMUNCHER.