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“Exeter, you are dead to me now.”
“Whence thou wast in Exeter, mine grift in Hades layeth.”
Excreta, or Utinam Barbari Spatium Proprium Tuum Invadant as it was then known is a large collection of car parks, grass and failed suicide bombers invented by the Minoan civilisation as a place to wash their genitalia on the way home from the beaches of Devon so that they could put on their boogie trousers and jive. During the middle ages (about 1922) the jive became outlawed in 52 home counties and Devon, leaving Exeter in an economic shit pot and general social decline. In comparison with Manningtree, modern Exeter is a sorry excuse for a city. It consists of four shops (Poundland, Tesco, Next to Nothing, Gap) and two restaurants (McDonalds and the really cheap and cheerful Chinese refugee centre in South Street). Exeter is often said to resemble a giant concrete cess pit.
There are rumours that there is a secret underground city which is actually quite nice below the 15 mile deep layer of concrete; however in reality these have little foundation and are believed to have been started by drunk students (of which there are many on a Wednesday night in central Exeter). What does lie underneath the concrete according to the famous archaeologist Baldrick are 15,342,877 corpses from the cholera epidemic of the 17th Century. This gives a certain edge to horror films at the Exeter Picturehouse, built over the burial site. It is possible that the next person to spit blood might well be you, or the poor farm girl from Whimple you had conned to come and see the film, and cop a feel off if you're lucky.
Exeter was once the most lovely town in Ye Olde Englande. However, once the jive economy had collapsed Exeter council ordered for the entire city to be razed to the ground and replaced with a large concrete car park. After the completion of the rebuilding in 1959, Exeter was known as 'grey old humpty', 'Ex-exeter', and 'Milton Keynes on Estuary'. More recently the rebuild of Princesshay has seen Exeter become a popular location for distopian movies produced by obscure Eastern European filmmakers.
In 1934 work began on a cathedral for Exeter, as a tourist attraction for 20th Century atheists. The idea being that a giant sandstone building might be seen from a distance and people might go ands have a look to "see what all that religious fuss is about". The local rival city of Plymouth, which being further to the west and with more grey skies, was without a cathedral, heard of Exeter's plans to build a cathedral and started their own, creating the infamous Cathedral Race of the mid-1930s (which has resulted in similar triennial events every decade, most recently Plymouth winning the Urban Shopping Area Race).
Exeter Cathedral was completed on April 31st 1938, finishing nearly a year before Plymouth's. It was opened by a Mr. A. Hitler, (he subsequently closed it down again in 1942). The cathedral was originally made out of wee but was later changed to bricks and mortar as the urine had a tendency to smell in the summer turning the pilgrims from Tiverton away. In 1943, when Exeter City Council made the shock decision to raze the city, the Cathderal survived for the most part, by being disguised as a hen, with only some slight damage to the internal one-way system.
There is no culture to speak of in Exeter itself. There is a university on the outskirts of town which holds regular 80s revival nights and tympany recitals; however, this is a gated University and locals are under no circumstance allowed to enter the university site and upset the home counties born, horsey faced, Oxbridge overspill students within.
Unlike the university, Exeter College is the best of the whole of the West Country condensed into one little nine storey building. Its students are known to be terribly loyal and worship at the golden statue outside the main site, which is believed to be a representation of the founder of the college in 1173 who was disabled and had to use a pig for transport. A common fashion accessory worn by Exeter College students is a traffic cone. Many of the
cunts students greatly improve their academic ability by paying £30,000 for a Jack Wills top and drinking some putrid shite resembling coffee in Starbucks.
An initiative was launched by the city council to bring culture to Exeter in 1985, however culture was mistaken for "one of them there Londoners" and driven out with flaming pasty-sticks along the A303, which was quite an achievement, considering the distance involved. The local football team, Excreta Shitty, has lost all games in the last 254 years. Some people think this is because the city's fathers outlawed the football in the 17th century and replaced it with a large, white stuffed glove.
Places to Go
Exeter has a large amount of places to go like "fuck yourself" which is often recommended by locals if asked. A favourite among locals is a nightclub called Ringpiece which is in fact the physiological arsehole of Devon. It is customary for locals in Ringpiece to distribute STDs on the 5th day of the week (Thursday), and to comment how Ringpiece was better in the late nineties. This has become known as the Ringpiece's golden age because STDs were freely available and golden showers were a quid a bottle.
For those looking for a more cultural experience there is a museum that was recently closed due to engineering anomalies until they discovered they could hold up the ceiling with a giant stuffed giraffe. In the nearby distant future there will be 1.34 art galleries, when the economic recession stops biting and there is a cat on the throne of England. In the meantime the must see piece of artwork is in the toilets of Belmont Park, where there is an abstract interpretation of the male phallus by local artist Steve who also leaves a number for Reiki - only £15 per hour.
Exeter residents are a sad and depressed people who only live from one day to the next by desperately repeating to themselves that at least Exeter is better than Plymouth. This is true as Plymouth is a petri-dish for all manner of "socially contracted diseases", brought from the four corners of the globe (round is a concept beyond most Plymothians, both in spatial presence, and down the pub) by the local 17th century venture capitalist Sir Franny Drake and distributed by Mate-a-lots, Her Majesty's Royal Navy, at bargain prices in Union Street.
Social life in Exeter centres around a collection of local eccentrics: Will Ravings; his sister (she's cute, and out of your league); Dick_N_Larger; The Geeky; and a sheep docker known as Pastieboy. Another famous local is Brave Nixon who attends Exeter University, reading flower arranging and jumping out planes.
There are also some lovely housing estates in the area, it is understood that it is easy to be accepted in these areas as long as you have the acceptable dress code; for men this may be the stolen superdry jackets, animal hoody or similar which readily available at discount prices from the local drug addict. Females should ensure that their bleached hair is left at least a month to allow lots of lovely looking dark roots and the essential accessory of course is the handful of 'chav tastic' children, at least three is favourable.
The town is home to a combined railway and canal system of transportation, which means the rail lines are underwater and you'll need to take a bus. Exeter railway stations attract tourists. Exeter St. Thomas station is centered in a small shanty town near Exe-bridges, a district that has a Pizza Hut and nothing. Along the line is the larger Exeter St.Davids, which prides itself on a small toilet and dead animals on the tracks. Finally there is Exeter Central, named by the former mayor of Devon Zara Phillips who probably through inbreeding couldn't remember any more saints. Closer to town and housed in a former Carry On film set is Exeter Bus Station. The homeless are often invited to come to the station and urinate against the walls to preserve the character and essence the station has kept for years.
Exeter, like other centres of global commerce such as London and New York, has recently experienced an increased threat from fundamentalist islamic terrorism. In the most recent terrorist attack on Exeter streets, infamous Plymouth shoe bomber Richard Reid attempted to detonate an explosive device in Princesshay's Giraffe Cafe. Being of above average IQ for someone from Plymouth, the attempt was ultimately a failure with only the bomber receiving minor burns. Nearby witnesses reported hearing a loud 'plopping' sound from the toilets of the cafe, and the police quickly shut down the city centre resulting in estimated commercial losses of between £7.10 and £7.80. Many Exeter residents would not have minded the destruction of the stupidly named Giraffe Cafe, were it not for the proximity of the cafe to Exeter's premier restaurant, Nandos.
Recently people within Exeter have been plagued by a number of Amish tourists posing as crusaders from the middle ages. The leader of this group, Amish Amish, has predicted the fearsome end of the world and the coming of the Jedi knights (not to be confused with the Barron Knights who have a key to the city and are welcome to come any time they like).