From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Exercise (latin ex- no more and ercise- size) is the act of participating in activities known to cause premature aging and early death. Frequent and regular physical exercise is an important component in the cause of some of the diseases of overachievers such as heart disease and OCD. The demands of exercise cause such a strain on the human heart that autopsies performed on exercisers in their twenties have shown that the average exerciser’s heart looks exactly like one from a 65 year old who smoked 4 packs of unfiltered Camels every day for 40 years and drank Jose Cuervo straight from morning till night.
edit Exercise benefits
edit Reasons To Exercise
Exercise is a popular hobby among the poor people who can't afford video games and prefer such ridiculous ideals as "health" and "long life" over eating cheese puffs on the couch for hours straight. Exercise is also a way for people to momentarily forget about their inability to fit in with other people.
Since physical activity is thought to support the survival and growth of a number of brain cells, people who refuse to stop engaging in these dangerous acts risk developing mental disorders such as bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. After all, the brain can only contain so many brain cells before the pressure causes the skull to develop hairline fractures or worse.
edit Common myths
Many myths have arisen surrounding exercise, some of which have no basis in reality, and some which are completely false. Myths include:
- That exercise can cause weight loss. This is simply ridiculous as exercise makes you hungry 24/7 which creates a vicious cycle of eating and exercising which can only be broken by death.
- Death by exercise has some small basis in fact. Water intoxication can result from the consumption of large amounts of plain water following exercise and indirectly cause death by drowning.
- That weightlifting makes you short or stops growth. Obviously true.
edit Activities That Are Considered Excessive exercise
- Preparing and eating fruits and vegetables
- Doing laundry
- Sweeping the floor
- Oral sex
- Pushing a shopping cart
- Downloading computer programs
These exercises are very hard on the body and are known to cause premature death. Have you ever seen a fit 80 year-old? The reason you haven’t is that exercise killed off all the fit people by the time they reached the age of 60. There are no old fit people, none. Studies have shown that even minor exercises have a catastrophic effect on the body. Because they cause loss of carbohydrates and fats, the body goes into panic mode as soon as it senses a calorie draining activity is in progress. As a result it releases adrenaline and other stress hormones adding to the wear and tear caused by the exercise. All these repeated stresses and micro-tears on the muscles, bones, and connective tissues are irreversible and accumulate with deadly results.
Those who insist on exercising anyway risk the almost certain chance of stroke or other premature aging problems associated with exercise. People who exercise also look 10 to 15 years older than other people their age because of all the damage it does to the body.
Exercise almost without exception does more harm than good, with the definition of "good" varying according to the individual. For many activities, especially climbing stairs, there are significant injuries that occur from constantly ignoring the elevator. This overexertion of muscles leads to the kind of muscle damage usually seen only in new army recruits.
edit Nutrition and recovery
Following an ill advised episode of exercise, replenishing the body with potato chips, soda, and cookies is crucial and can sometimes alleviate the damage, much like the fairy godmother in Sleeping Beauty was able to counteract the evil curse but not reverse it. Also, one should avoid eating fruits and vegetables since these are considered nature’s candy and everyone knows that eating too much candy kills.
edit Exercise and Dental Caries
That's right. Exercise causes CaVitiEs. According to world reknowned scientific publication, Wikipedia, exercise causes the body to ooze various acids which affect the ph balance of your teeth. Evidently, sudden bouts of exercise have been proven to produce various toxins such as lactide, lactate, and [H plus]. Sounds pretty bad. These toxins will eventually dissolve your teeth, leak into your bloodstream, and according to your dentist, fund his trip to Barbados next year. One more reason to ignore the exerphiles and enjoy a pleasant evening on the couch watching repeats of Hawaii 5-0, House, Mike and Molly, and Rules of Engagement from 3 weeks ago.
Active exhalation during physical exercise causes the body to exceed its maximum lung capacity, and oxygen uptake. This results in stretched out veins and saggy lungs, hallmarks of premature aging. Since the heart and lungs have to do twice as much work to fill up the stretched out lungs and veins, the person ages three times faster. Also, if you smack the person, they may age faster. (Nobody knows why, they all exercised to much.)