Death penalty
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“Bring it on.”
~ Oscar Wilde on the death penalty
First conceived in Adam Glynn's anus during a game of 'suck the arsecorn out of the anus', the death penalty's popularity soon grew and caught on world wide.
Contents |
[edit] Opinions
[edit] Hairy Fairys
- "The death penalty only creates more death when the aim is to have less"
- ’”I need weed ”
- "They could be making wallets "
- "Its a waste of money. If we put them all in jail the citizens will probably kill each other any way."
- "If we outlawed the Death Penalty we'd have to do it in back alleys with coat hangers."
[edit] The Right People
- "The death penalty only create more death WOOT!"
- "Look citizens kill other citizens everyday. So the government should show citizens that killing is wrong by killing the citizens that kill other citizens. Only then will the citizens learn”
- "We shouldn’t kill the citizens that kill the citizens that kill citizens"
- ”Anyone who doesn’t think the system works should try it out for themselves”
- "Why do you love rapists so much? Are you a registered sex offender or an unregistered one?"
- "Great show. I wish they'd bring back the stake though."
- "Kill the fuckers"
- i think we should shoot the fuckers in the back of the head with a .45!
[edit] Individual Countries
[edit] United States
The United States continues to carry out electrocutions, in comparison the the more developed parts of the developed world, who have moved up to stoning and forced suicide. Candidates for the Death Penalty must first prove why they deserve to receive this treatment. Firstly they must commit a serious crime such as murder or rape, and then survive on a televised trial of mirth called Death Row. The latter involves working as a local bum in a cell for an arbitrary length of time. The severance package is what is said to be the main attraction of applying for the Death Penalty. Successful candidates receive a delicious gourmet meal of their specification before they leave this earth in an adequately well-publicized fashion.
In an effort to root out poverty, George W. Bush signed a federal law banning souls with an annual income of less than $9.500 in three consecutive years. Violating the law triggers an immediately executed death penalty. "We close unprofitable businesses, why not close unprofitable individuals?" Bush argued.
[edit] Australia
The death penalty in Australia is reserved for local flora and fauna who walk on the holy black ice. This is a crime punishable by death, Australians regularly patrol the ice (You might have us confused with Canadians. They have a much more annoying accent. Very similar to the American accent) and are encouraged to hit the animals for walking across their magic ice. Signage advising of species with a history of offending is provided for people who take up the cause. The animals that should go back to their own country deserve nothing less .
[edit] China
Being a social egalitarian society the death penalty is distributed fairly among society to anyone who lives in Tibet or has heard of Buddhism.
[edit] Iraq
The recently liberated country has a flourishing grass-roots death penalty movement. Several organizations of various sizes are experimenting with the application of the death penalty. While many details remain to be worked out, activists are confident that a solution will be found. Said one member of the Mahdi Army "The death penalty movement is bound to overcome any internal disagrements because the death penalty itself can be used to resolve any disputes."[1]
[edit] Sweden
If you don´t buy a volvo/saab and go to IKEA at least every month, you get arested and get the death penalty. But you can get away with the death penalty if you kill a polar bear.
[edit] Saudi Arabia
The saudi's are so against christmas, even mentioning figgy pudding can get you beheaded.
[edit] Methods of Execution
[edit] United States
- Death by Chuck Norris:
Only the most hardened criminals are sentenced to this controversial, but effective means. Widely used because judges enjoy the opportunity in court to speak the phrase: "Chuck Norris is going to fucking kill you, bastard!"
- Death by Injection:
Only the most hardened criminals are sentenced to this controversial, but effective means. First the criminal is injected with the horrible disease touch-man-itis or more commonly known as "gayness" they are then stripped naked and paddled until there bodies are supple then they are taken to Texas and we let the townspeople decide their fate. if they survive they are paddled, raped, paddled some more and then killed by Chuck Norris and his band of unholy movie-star Martial Artists.
- Death by Emoness:
You are injected with Emonide which turns you into an emo. You then are locked away in a solitary cell with nothing but razors and a webcam.
[edit] Canada
Death by Captain Falcon: Only the most hardened criminals are sentenced to this form of execution. First, the criminal is catapulted several hundred feet into the air. Afterward, in a blazing light of glory, Captain Falcon appears from above, his helmet falling off and, in one merciless action, cries out "Falcon...PUNCH!!!" The resulting explosion not only obliterates the criminal, but it has also been recorded to be seen from the far reaches of space. An example of such an execution can be seen here.
[edit] China
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