Congratulations on acquiring my ex/your new/wife, please take the time to get well acquainted with your spouse, by reading this handbook. The more you know and understand about her, the greater the safety and pleasure you will derive from her. The logbook you are reading is missing the person before me so I hope you appreciate the tips I share so that you may succeed where I failed. All the best, the Ex.
This Owner’s Guide describes every situation you may encounter, however, some of the items covered may not apply to your particular personality. Furthermore, I cannot be held liable to blame should you discover faults not stated in this manual. Remember to pass on the Owner’s Guide when divorcing your wife. It is an integral part of getting at least a few good years.
edit Shut her up switch
In the event of an argument the safety switch will automatically cut her off in mid-flow. The safety switch is located in the kitchen. The kitchen cupboard third from the left has a secret supply of chocolate bars in the wall, this will stop your wife from exploding. Failing this, the neighbor next door, Ted, grows flowers. Go there and steal some. WARNING! Ted lives one side and a Rottweiler is on the other side, I will allow you to find out which is which. This is a guide between brothers but I can't do everything for you.
edit Breaking-in your new wife
There are no particular guidelines for breaking-in your wife. During the first year of sex, vary speeds frequently this is recommended to give you an understanding of what works and what doesn't. You and I may adjust our seat differently and therefore the ride may be different, however, you must maintain her first BEFORE you set off!
edit Her face and warning signs
You must pay attention to this warning as a breakdown is imminent!: Hazard light
edit Entertainment System
Your wife has a few switches and buttons you must become familiar with without looking. This is useful in the dark, being able to adjust her entertainment system without bending down to look is vital for your safety. Keeping your eyes on her face is important EVEN when eating. You may be tempted to look down to enjoy the site of what you are eating but you mustn't lose site of her face. Once you have found the correct buttons be aware of how loud she is and adjust accordingly. Do not plug in any outside device until the buttons are set correctly. Once your device is plugged in, do not unplug it unnecessarily or skip to another beat as this may cause a loud pop when she hits you for doing it wrong. Use your device safely! Your device may only have enough memory for one "file" at a time but BE AWARE her entertainment device will require a concerto of she is set to "classical" so you must first set her device to the correct format. The owner before me set her to "funk". I didn't bother to ask. "Pop" is the best configuration.
Your wife has two large airbags which are placed left and right for your convenience. The airbags will not deploy by themselves as BRA (Breast Restriction App) technology is used to keep them withheld until the required time. To deploy the airbags you must use your facial lips in a head on collision with her facial lips. She has a side boob protection system also, this will NOT deploy the main airbags, it is vital you kiss head on.
edit Climate Controls
The mood and temperament of your wife will vary depending on what time of the month it is. The controls to turn down the heat are located on her back and feet. These usually work well but if she is particularly over heating it is best to leave her in her garage to cool down naturally. Never pour cold water on her in the heat of the moment as this will make her crack.
edit Locks and Security
These features MUST be set correctly or she will be stolen. Though there are younger examples around, my ex/your new/ wife can still turn heads. She was unique when I owned her and although she is older, there aren't many like her around so follow these simple instructions to ensure she isn't taken by some younger man who will only wear out her turbo and leave her to rust.
Where to keep her
Keep her in bed with you each night and lock the doors in your home securely. Should you suspect she may disappear during the night, keep your arm over her, this will stop her turning. You may, if needed, use her entertainment system to the best of your ability and immobilize her from being turned on by anyone else.
When going out
If you are taking her out for the evening, don't let her look inviting to another man. You may trust your friends to be around her and admire her, but you can't trust men you don't know as they will want a go in her. If you must go to the toilet and you HONESTLY trust your friend with her, then ask him to stay with her. Of course, he will have a good look at her when you are gone and may even touch her bodywork gently or use his sleeve to correct a smudge on her glasses. This is better than her being left alone. Your friend and wife will still be there when you get back and your friend will say "you are so lucky" and show that he enjoyed standing with her. You will know he touched her in some way to make passers by think he owns her but that's okay, your friend hasn't got a wife and you must maintain his fantasy or he won't help you protect her when you go to the toilet.
edit Positions and safety during sex
If you are going to be doing a cross-country session of sex, make sure you are fit and alert. Falling asleep is not an option as she may roll and then you are stuck in that position until paramedics arrive. She has a large consumption so you must pace the journey and even take rest breaks to survey how YOU are doing. Never to get too clever as she has the ability to reach speeds you won't be familiar with. If she requires reversing make sure you adjust nightstand mirror so you can see her face clearly and make the maneuver smooth. Lastly, do not leave her idling for too long or she will stop altogether. Her volume, again, is the indication as to how she's running.
Changing her shoes regularly
She likes to walk all over you, and to do this she requires new shoes every week. Do not grumble at the expense you may incur, this is a vital aspect of maintaining her normal facial display so that no warning signs appear. You must be patient while she chooses her shoes. You must feign interest and become border-line shoe salesman to keep her happy. You will become an expert on women's shoes and DO NOT succumb to the temptation to try them on! She will know and you will become a joke at her family gatherings.
It will pay great dividends to go to a beauty salon at closing time and ask/beg someone there to teach you to wax-on wax-off. The girls and gay men in there will laugh so much that you may need to go back the next day at closing time and they will say, "You're serious?!" Your wife hates her bumpers getting too clogged with weeds so she will think you are a stallion if you show your hidden gift for waxing her nicely. CAUTION: The wax is very good quality and you don't want to scratch your forehead or scratch ANY part of yourself during the procedure as going to work with no eyebrows is noticeable. Plus, don't drop any on the carpet and try to clean it off, you will be missing that part of the carpet.
When she is ALREADY taking a bath, offer to scrub her back. This is linked to the temperature control aspect above. NEVER ask to do it when she isn't having a bath as this will wet her clothes. Make the bath bubbly and it will make her bubbly. She may invite you into the bath but she will first ask if you had a bath that day. If you are lucky and you get in with her, don't get a hard-on. To her, a bath is a bath and not a Roman romp.
Model Not really but not bad
Engine Not professor level exactly
Cubic Capacity Well, I'm 6 inches so a bit more I suppose, however big a "funk" is?
Bore She's frequently being one
Modifications Brazilian but can be changed
Exterior color Black roof, white body
Interior color Pinkish
Date purchased April 2002
Date sold Soon after
Look after her as best you can and she will provide some years of happiness at least. Never stop reading classified ads for other examples to consider purchasing in the meantime. She won't hold well if you drink first and you'll wake up wondering where you parked her so get her parked FIRST. The last thing is to never hit her with a branch like John Cleese, he's been married thrice. Best wishes, X